Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To LTB over this?

78 replies

thisisjustgreat · 21/03/2016 09:04

DP is a SAHD. Well sort of SAHD, but I am also at home juggling running my business and looking after the children. He doesn't do all that much and struggles getting much done in the day. I have asked him if he wants to return to work many a time and he always says no. I am the sole breadwinner and have been really stressed about it, especially as we have been saving for a house deposit and running my own business comes with it's own stresses - We have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, the 6 month old so life isn't that easy.

I have been transferring money to DP every month for groceries and general spending, and the amount has not been stingy by any means - but whatever I transferred would get spent. I asked him what the money was going on several times and he said just day to day living. There was only so much I could push it as he said my questioning him made him feel small.

He always makes out he is a very stand up genuine and trustworthy guy. Well I found out this weekend (I had reason to be suspicious and made out I knew until he confessed) - he's been gambling away any 'excess' money every month, amounting to (he says) £1500 in the last 6 months, but I think it's more like £3500. He said he didn't tell me because of how I'd react which is bullshit isn't it.

One of his most redeeming qualities was I thought he was trustworthy, now he has proved that he isn't. I really don't like him much at the moment. Is it a big deal? My boundaries are blurred from past shitty relationships so I'm not sure what's OK and what isn't anymore.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 21/03/2016 10:35

I wonder if part of your depression is due to his actions.

Fyaral · 21/03/2016 10:35

Yes. Get a credit check on you and him to be safe. I would throw him out. No way could I tolerate this from someone I was supposed to love and trust.

cozietoesie · 21/03/2016 10:38

I'm just wondering how it would be possible to save a relationship with someone who you can never again trust? You could probably work out an 'accommodation' but is it worth it?

HazelBite · 21/03/2016 10:38

This is beyond unreasonable, I think you need to give him an ultimatum about job etc. You do the grocery shopping online and until he gets a job "pocket" money only.

As you are feeling fragile still I can understand how you do not want to rock the boat but the current state of affairs is only going to make you feel worse so you are going to gather your wits about you and lay down the law. Have you got someone IRL that you can confide in over this that can give you some support, because this is a dreadful problem that you are having to deal with. Even if he stops gambling now it will be with you for the whole of your relationship and you will always be "checking " to make sure.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 10:38

One can only conclude that your mental health would improve in bounds if you got rid of the waste of space

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/03/2016 10:40

There is a great phrase OP: "before you are diagnosed with depression or anxiety, make sure you are not surrounded by complete dicks" or something. I feel this is very appropriate in your case.

Superwitchy · 21/03/2016 10:41

Your 2yo will get over it. He's completely betrayed your trust, lied and used you. I'd struggle from now on if I were you. Sorry you're going through this.

yorkshapudding · 21/03/2016 10:44

The fact that he thinks this can be fixed with chocolates (bought with your money no doubt) suggests he isn't taking it seriously at all. If he was deeply remorseful, ashamed of his actions and demonstrating commitment to change (by announcing his intention to look for a job, for example or seeking support for his gambling habit) then that would be reason to hope the relationship might be salvagable. As it stands though he seems to think that he can fob you off with a box of chocolates and everything will go back to normal. He clearly thinks you're a pushover and I know I couldn't live with anyone who had so little respect for me.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/03/2016 10:51

XH used to do that - buy chocolate for me on my credit card, regardless of whether I was on a diet at the time - but at least he didn't bloody gamble.

Original poster

thisisjustgreat · 21/03/2016 11:04

I'm reading all the replies so thank you. I will reply properly later on as I have more juggling of work and childcare to do this morning.

Yes he really must think I'm a pushover. My mum came round earlier and I told her and she was horrified. I have been taken for a mug before by a man who compulsvely lied and cheated for years. DP knows anout this and always gave it the big speech about how he'd never lie blah blah blah. Tha's what I hate, he pretended he was this decent reliable guy but really he was taking me for a mug all along.

OP posts:

TwentyCupsOfTea · 21/03/2016 11:08

He has stolen your hard earned money and gambled with it, when it was supposed to be spent on your children.

When you look at it like that, how can you not LTB?

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 11:14

why isn't he caring for the children this morning ?

cozietoesie · 21/03/2016 11:17

He gave the box of chocolates, AF. Probably thinks he has a hall-pass now.

ohtheholidays · 21/03/2016 11:18

Yes I'd say LTB OP.

My ex husband was doing the same,I found out.He told me he'd stopped and I believed him and we went onto have 2DC.

He hadn't stopped and it and his behaviour became worse so I ended the relationship and filed for divorce.

Don't make the same mistake as me and let it drag on I divorced my ex 13 years ago and I'm only just finishing paying off all the problems he caused!

You called him a stand up guy but you've said he won't work,he doesn't do much at home so it's all left to you on top of that fact that you work and are running your own business and he's being throwing the money away that your working hard to earn and has been lying to you about it.
He's not a stand up guy he's a cocklodger and you and your children deserve better!

Sallyingforth · 21/03/2016 11:20

OP I think you have been given the answer that you wanted and needed. Get rid of him. Get yourself a proper child minder, who will not be gambling away your hard-earned money.
As for your daughter, she's learning all the wrong things. It's important that she is not brought up to think that this man is the proper sort of partner for a woman.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 21/03/2016 11:24

You would be far better off financially, emotionally, everythingly if you kicked him out and got yourself a lovely mothers help/au pair/nanny. Pick carefully and they can be a total lifeline.

I'm not at all minimising PND/depression/anxiety etc but as UnderTheGreenwod has already said, sometimes it's situational, not clinical, depression & removing the cause of it goes a long way towards getting through it.

Superwitchy · 21/03/2016 12:56

OP maybe your mum can help you a bit if you find it difficult to cope with everything and split up with him at the same time?

icanteven · 21/03/2016 13:07

Normally I'm very much on the side of outrage/LTB etc. but... I don't know. Do you actually love him? If this could be fixed, meaningfully and permanently, would you stay with him? Does he have redeeming qualities?

Obviously yes, HUGE breach of trust.

To fix it, he has to go back to work immediately, with stage one being replacing the cash he has gambled within 2 months. You need to find out exactly what he has shat away - £3500, you reckon? How long will it take him to earn that back? After that has been replaced, the lion's share of his salary has to go into a joint account for the household. He has to become a seriously contributing member of the household, and his SAHD duties, such as they were, can be taken up by a mother's help/au pair.

He also needs to seek addiction treatment, and stick to it.

If he does LEAP to do all of that (fucking chocolates - seriously) then you can get rid, by all means.

But I would be inclined to give him one chance to fix it COMPLETELY in a tight time frame.

icanteven · 21/03/2016 13:08

(if he DOESN'T leap, I mean)

Inertia · 21/03/2016 13:13

£3500 in 6 months would buy a considerable amount of childcare.

I wouldn't be inclined to give him any chance to fix it at all- he' s proven that he's a gambling addict, he'll just gamble away whatever he can.

I'd be inclined to kick him out, use paid childcare and try to get as much help as you can from family, and claim maintenance for the children.

8angle · 21/03/2016 13:29

Hi OP, really sorry this is happening to you. I think you probably could do with some space - both physically and mentally to work out what you want to do. I would look into some possible short term child care options in your home and then ask the idiot gambling away your money to leave your home and give you some space to think things through.

If he is unwilling or resistant to this then it will be pretty obvious to you it is his best interest he is concerned with not yours or your families.

Could you mum help you?

P.S. my inclination would be to dump the twat but I think you need to make that decision with a clear head. hope it works out for you.

BigHairySpider · 21/03/2016 13:46

Well, that explains why he did little around the house. Too busy gambling to pull his weight.
Was he working when you met him? I would LTB on the basis of the lying to you, let alone frittering your hard earned cash away. It's good that you have your mum for support.

whois · 21/03/2016 13:48

So, he doesn't work. He doesn't even look after kids. He doesn't do the house work. He gambled away money when he knows it's tight?

He's a total fucking dick head

IAmNotAMindReader · 21/03/2016 14:55

With the amount he's stolen from family finances you could have had childcare to replace his childcare input and then some. You can survive without him.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2016 15:05

He's a cocklodger, he is no stay at home dad. Doing the break minimum, whilst you run your business and look after him, and keep,him in money. No wonder he does not want to work. Stop paying him and see how fast he gets a job.

Flip

1 2 3 4