To LTB over this?

[thisisjustgreat]

DP is a SAHD. Well sort of SAHD, but I am also at home juggling running my business and looking after the children. He doesn't do all that much and struggles getting much done in the day. I have asked him if he wants to return to work many a time and he always says no. I am the sole breadwinner and have been really stressed about it, especially as we have been saving for a house deposit and running my own business comes with it's own stresses - We have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, the 6 month old so life isn't that easy.

I have been transferring money to DP every month for groceries and general spending, and the amount has not been stingy by any means - but whatever I transferred would get spent. I asked him what the money was going on several times and he said just day to day living. There was only so much I could push it as he said my questioning him made him feel small.

He always makes out he is a very stand up genuine and trustworthy guy. Well I found out this weekend (I had reason to be suspicious and made out I knew until he confessed) - he's been gambling away any 'excess' money every month, amounting to (he says) £1500 in the last 6 months, but I think it's more like £3500. He said he didn't tell me because of how I'd react which is bullshit isn't it.

One of his most redeeming qualities was I thought he was trustworthy, now he has proved that he isn't. I really don't like him much at the moment. Is it a big deal? My boundaries are blurred from past shitty relationships so I'm not sure what's OK and what isn't anymore.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

The 2 year old might miss him at first, but she'll soon get used to Daddy living elsewhere, she won't even remember him living with you after a while.

Yes it's horrible to upset a toddler, but it's FAR worse for a child to grow up in this (continually worsening) environment with a shit excuse for a father.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Wow that's over £100 a week gambled away

What did he said he's going to do about it OP? After you confronted him.

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, I think I'd split with him. He doesn't seem inclined to change at all.

[AnyFucker]

You haven't married him which was a very wise move. Now use your head again and get shut.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

As soon as you said he was a SAHD but doesn't do much so you end up still looking after the children I thought he needs a boot up the arse. But when you added that you're saving for a house yet he's gambled the "excess" money I honestly thought LTB. Seriously, what's the point of him being there, especially as he's now a liability. You've got 2 big issues to sort out in this relationship. I'm not surprised you're disappointed in him!

[leelu66]

What an arsehole. I usually hesitate to say LTB, but as your OP title asks if you should, then yes, I say you should LTB.

I would not be able to spend another night under the same roof as this kind of entitled, lazy, irresponsible, lying arse.

[expatinscotland]

And you don't own a home together, this makes splitting even easier. Now's the time.

[OzzieFem]

Give him a pencil and paper and ask him to write down exactly what he contributes to the marriage, besides the use of his penis.

[thisisjustgreat]

I don't know where I'll find the strength. I'm so tired and have post natal anxiety and depression. That's been the main benefit of him being at home, when I'm having a bad day or a panic attack he is there to pick up the slack / take DD1 out or whatever. He has been supportive in that sense and the thought of not having that support makes me feel sick. But on there other hand I just can't bare to look at him anymore.

He bought me a box of chocolates which he presented me with - they were an expensive box. Not only that, I am on a diet. He's such a thoughtless arrogant prat, but the saddest thing is I don't know if I can cope without him.

[thisisjustgreat]

The chocolates were his way of 'making it up to me'.

[OohMavis]

What's a 'sort of SAHD'? Could you expand on that? Is he just sitting on his arse all day and sharing childcare with you, who is supposed to be working?

[OohMavis]

In answer to your question, all things considered, yes I think I would at the very least separate for a while. The lying is unacceptable, the minimising is unacceptable.

And using his 'fragile masculinity' as a way to stop you questioning him over missing family money? Fucking hell. He's having a lovely old time courtesy of you, OP. He has it cushty.

[Purplepicnic]

I'd give him two conditions to save the marriage.

Stop gambling (getting professional help if necessary)

Get a job (presuming that will work with regard to childcare) or be a proper SAHP which means running the house, doing the chores, doing all childcare.

Three months to do both of those or he's out.

[Roseberrry]

What exactly does he do during the day? Imo there's no point in being a sahp parent unless you are doing the majority of childcare and housework.

A separation could be a good idea as it gives you both a taste of what it's like not to be together. It takes away the unknown.

[Goingtobeawesome]

He has added to the disrespect he has shown you and the children by splitting hairs about the fact you asked him if he was playing poker.....he didn't strictly lie but everyone knows what you were asking.

I'm afraid it is tough for your DD in a way and I don't mean that awfully. You can't let him stay because of a toddler who doesn't understand. You are with someone who thinks you are their to service his desires in all ways. Thinks chocolates paid for with your money means all is equal and is a waste of space.

Get yourself a mother's help. They are there to help you when you need it. Get emotional support from family, friends and mumsnet.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

So, you have anxiety and PND, you're the breadwinner, and he's sat at home not actually doing much of the sahd stuff - and you've just found out he's gambling away the money? You questioning this had to stop because it makes him feel 'small'? WTF.

A box of chocs is then supposed to make up for this? This is madness - he's taking you for a ride.

If you really, really can't leave him - then at the very least he should get a job. But if it was me, I don't think I could trust him again. He's not bringing anything to the family or relationship - just not getting anything done and gambling away the money.

[RhombusRiley]

I'd do what Purplepicnic said - I'd predict he won't change. Then you both have a little while to get your heads around separating.

He said he didn't tell me because of how I'd react that is such a shit line. "I didn't tell you" - about my appalling unacceptable behaviour –"because I knew how you'd react" - i.e. be rightfully furious. Trying to make out that poor ole little him is scared because you're such a dragon - rather than that you'd be perfectly reasonably cross because he is out of order.

That tells me he's probably the type who will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for his own life and his own actions.

I have a friend whose H frittered away a lot of their savings - it wasn't clear what on. Although he does work, she is the main breadwinner and he does more SAH duties. It was very clear to me that he felt emasculated and did this as a crappy passive-aggressive way to get back at her and feel in control.

I'm not saying "so don't make him feel emasculated" - I'm saying if you have a man who feels threatened by you earning money and being a grown-up, it probably won't work out. As you've said it really makes you lose respect for them.

for you.

[ouryve]

Wow. Chocolates! Bought with money you've earned, presumably?

Does that make everything OK in his world?

Did he stock up on groceries and other useful stuff whole he was out?

[Queenie73]

How much damage can he do to your finances? Does he have access to credit cards for example, or savings accounts? Compulsive gamblers can and will work their way through any source of cash they can get their hands on, at the very least you need to limit his access to your money.
With the £100 a week you could get a cleaner for the housework. Childcare arrangements can be worked out, honestly. While you are struggling you need to surround yourself with supportive, helpful people and this man is dragging you down.

[cozietoesie]

I would immediately be checking all possible sources of funds which he might have been able to access - including doing a (free) credit check on yourself.

[OnlyLovers]

I agree with Purple's two conditions.

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Well, if you want to stay with him he has to understand he no longer has control over the finances. You will need to take back control, even if that means you have to do the online shop yourself etc. You can do click and collect too for free, or delivery slots are as low as £1, and he has to be in to sign for it etc, but if he can't be trusted with the household finances then he either needs to prove he is getting help and/or get a job so he can waste his own money.

[cozietoesie]

That's no life though, is it?

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Oh God, yes, as the other posters have said, bloody quickly check to see if he's not taken cards out in your name!!! I've had a couple of male family members do that to their partners - my uncle took out cards in my aunty's name (unbeknownst to her), and my arsehole step-grandfather not only sold my family heirlooms to feed his habit, but also took out cards in my grandmothers name AND forged her signature to get the house remortaged. She only found all this out AFTER the SOB had died.

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Depends how much she wants to save the relationship I guess cozie :( Or him. If he's just making noise but no moves then yeah, dump the deadweight because otherwise he'll cripple you and your child with his addiction.