to have just sent DD to school in tears?

[lucyloveslemonade]

DD (8) has form for wanting anything her little sister has got and claiming everything is hers and not to be touched - even if she isn't using it and has no plans to. This morning, she noticed her 4 yo sister had some small toy figures to play with. They received a pack of 20 each at Christmas and they are stored together because they have universal accessories also in the box. 8 yo hasn't played with these figures since Christmas day despite them being stored in plain sight in her room.

When she saw 4 yo had them, she demanded the entire box so she could remove her ones. The box was out of reach because their baby sister was in the room too. This was about 5 mins before we needed to leave for school so I said that she can't take them to school but could play with them when she comes home. She said she didn't want to take them to school, just store them in her room [unspoken: so her sister can't play with them after nursery] and I said they're fine when they are.

She continued to try and sneak and reach the box and so I said if she ignored me, she wouldn't be able to play with them after school either. She still tried to get it when my back was turned, then was unkind to her sister. She ignored me the entire way to taking 4 yo to nursery and I then asked why she was grumpy and if she wanted to talk and sort it out rather than just ignore me. She just shrugged repeatedly to anything else I said during the 20 min walk to school.

When we arrived at school I passed her her bags and said 'bye then, have a good day' and she burst into tears. Her teacher came over to see what was wrong and I explained DD had decided to ignore me and was possibly regretting it now it was time to leave. She took a tear strewn DD in, obviously leaving me feeling guilty, but I don't think I treated her badly? DH would've pandered to her on the way to end the ignoring but she needs to learn that isn't the way to treat people, IMO.

[Oreocrumbs]

You handled it well. I had similar with my dd this morning. Threw a right hissy fit on the way to school. ('Cos she wanted to go in the car, we live 4 mins walk from school).

Get to school and she seems to realise that we are parting on 'bad terms', holds on to me giving me a teary cuddle - turning me from annoyed to worried.

She slowly and forlornly walked into school. I felt awful. 'Till I stuck my head round the corner and actually witnessed the moment she literally unhunched herself and started running in happy as Larry.

Little girls are hard work!

[lucyloveslemonade]

They're not the same figures though Barbarian, they complement each other. Removing something she has no interest in is just spiteful imo.

[SoupDragon]

And it is OK to want to keep ones own things increasingly to oneself as one gets older, it's part of growing up.

Except in this case, The only reason she wanted to keep them to herself was to spite her sister. She has ignored the items since Christmas and they have been in plain sight in her room.

[BarbarianMum]

Honestly, I'm not disagreeing with you. Just suggesting that she might feel less need to jealously guard her things if she's officially allowed to do so. Speaking as the owner of one very possessive child, I've found he shares more readily when he's in control. Anyway, I totally agree that before school wasn't the time to be changing anything.

[MattDillonsPants]

Oooh yanbu! My 11 year old (11!) is the same with her 8 year old sister. "That's mine!" Even if it's not...or if it's meant to be shared.

I do agree to some extent with Barbarian that she should have her own figures because they are hers...she may have forgotten they were there.

[MattDillonsPants]

Ah just seen your update...but she DOES have an interest in them now OP. She might not have when they arrived....she may genuinely have decided they're cool now...and if you don't allow her what's rightfully hers, then she will resent you and it's not fair.

[Katenka]

Well done op.

Dd went through this stage as well. I think you handled it great.

It does needs to be followed up with praise when she is kind. Which I am sure you do.

And possibly a chat when she comes home about her behaviour

[SoupDragon]

I think the OP knows her child best. she says her DD has form for this kind of behaviour.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Matt so with 5 minutes to go till school time you'd have let her take them just so that she could play dog in the manger?

Plastic figures that aren't going to get broken?

Okaaaay.

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Gosh. I have this with my 3 yr old! I was banking on her growing out of it cries quietly at the thought of 5 more years

You did fine. That is what I would have done possibly with added shouting

One thought though, and this is from my experience, you say dh would have pandered to her and given in to smooth things over - this is 100% what my dh does. He undermines my rules and my parenting constantly and I really feel it is leading to more problems as Dd is becoming confused about which rule with who and who will give in and cos daddy always gives in she thinks if she pushes me hard enough then I will too.
Which is just heart ache for me and her and everyone really!

So, I'm thinking, not only have a chat with Dd tonight but speak to dh and bring him on board so that she knows your a united front. That way maybe she will begin to see this behaviour as pointless

[backinschool]

I think you handled it fantastically and I am really impressed you managed to keep that calm when you were doing the nursery and school run with 3DC. I would have yelled .

I'm probably going to be told that this is mean, but in our house all toys have to be shared except for a couple of favourite teddies (unless the bits are too small for DD2 - she isn't allowed to take the aquabeads out by herself). It helps that most of the toys live in the playroom rather than in bedrooms so they don't usually have to go into each others room to take toys out. I can't be bothered listening to 'but that's my doll' so the rule is they share/take turns nicely or it goes on top of the fridge until they stop fighting. I wouldn't let one of them put their toys away so the other one can't play with it. I'm probably lucky that they like similar toys and everything ends up being 'our' lego or 'our new Elsa doll'. It helps at birthdays too because they think they are both getting new toys to play with.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

I've quite often sent the DC to school in tears, I'm sure it's quickly forgotten.

[MattDillonsPants]

Anna no...where did I say that? I wouldn't make her keep them with her sister's all the time though.

[GruntledOne]

Do you think there's an element of her being unhappy that she has to go off to school leaving the other two having your full attention?

[BarbarianMum]

backinschool how old are your children? Whilst it's very common for young children to basically share everything, it does tend to change as they get older and value their independence and own identity more.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Lucy I would have felt rotten for a split second but sounds like she had ample time to talk on the walk to school. The tears came frustrated and a wee bit sorry for herself she had sussed you wouldn't budge. I expect you have a 'clean slate' approach when picking her up at home time so see how she behaves and whether the fuss over figures continues.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Matt my reading of the situation is that she isn't being made to keep them with her sister's toys just that she isn't allowed to change the status quo (which has been in place for 10 weeks) 5 minutes before school.

[Heavens2Betsy]

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of sharing you told her not to do something and she tried to do it anyway.
That is the bad behaviour.
YANBU - I would have done the same.

[Farandole]

OP YANBU. I agree with all other posters (this nearly never happens :o).

One thing I would add is that it's okay for your DD to feel negative emotions. This morning maybe she cried because she felt envious, guilty, sad, misunderstood, forlorn when you dropped her off. I often instinctively feel that one of my key roles as a mother is to shield my kids from these feelings. But on balance, I think it is good for them to experience them. Life is not always a bed of roses, and it is probably better to discover this in childhood, in relation to small things, than it would be to be constantly pandered after until adulthood and not build resilience.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

As far as sharing goes I think if it's been a problem for a long time it's tied in with the arrival first of DD2 and more recently, DD3.

I wonder if you could try asking DD1 for advice in her capacity as Big Sister. Your DD2 might already be a generous little soul but she's had a sibling from day one. DD1 had you and her dad all to herself for four years. She could have felt a need to hang onto possessions because she had no choice but to share you. Maybe consult her on protecting DD2's belongings when your youngest starts crawling and showing interest in her surrounding area. You could make the point that sharing appropriate toys or other items is actually a nice thing to do and it builds bonds. (Well, couching it in a way your 8 year old will get).

Definitely talk to her dad and agree on how to handle the ructions.

She sees you and DH as a team, maybe you and he can make a show of sharing and asking first before using something one of you owns? From a child's perspective it's not always obvious it's give and take for adults in a household.

[TooMuchOfEverything]

You did very well OP.

It is hard to teach children to share and be generous.

I am FOREVER telling my children 'we don't count who has what, we are generous, it all evens out but its no fun if we are always counting'. They can be so fecking petty over ownership, I dread them being old enough to go for group meals. They will be the ones with the calculator muttering that they only drank coke.

[MangoBiscuit]

I have a 6yo and 2yo, and the 6yo is like this at times. She doesn't want to play with it, but she doesn't want her sister to get a turn. She still expects the 2yo to share everything with her though.

OP, I think you handled it really well, and echo the suggestion of a clean slate after school.

backin we're quite similar here. Special toys (teddies, DD1s tablet, new presents etc) don't have to be shared, but then they're also not allowed to bring them out of their rooms to play with, so no teasing. Squabbles results in the toy going on top of our fridge (after a warning), regardless of who started it. If it's mean, so be it. It works, and both DDs seem happier for it.

[TooMuchOfEverything]

backinschool Sorry to sound preachy but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be really really careful about putting confiscated toys up high! Its really tempting for a child to try and climb up and the consequences of something toppling over don't bear thinking about.

[backinschool]

BarbarianMum - mine are only 7 and 4 just now so still at the happily sharing stage thank goodness. Plus lots of DD1s things are still handed down to DD2 too so it's not always clear what belongs to which child. I'm sure it will change as they get older and their things are more personal rather than just having toys. It's really interesting to read this thread - I'll have to work out how to change my rules as they get older so its good to see what other people do. I'm a very impatient mum (I try my best not to be) and I worry sometimes that I'm a bit mean.

[DisappointedOne]

I hope you lead by example, backinschool and let your kids share everything of yours without argument too.