...to want to go away overnight without dh or kids

[belwiz]

Background is: long term friend since uni days having weekend away (posh hotel, spa etc) to celebrate her 40th. Thought it a bit much to leave dh with 3 DCs (8,6 and nearly 2yo) all weekend so said I'd try to go just sat late avo and be back sun lunchtime. DH utterly doesn't get why I 'need' to go, essentially vetoing it ('well, obvs I can't stop you but....and then lists all reasons I shouldn't go.) He thinks I'm being selfish and unreasonable. I think it's not a major ask, given that I've never done this Before in our 8 yrs as parents. Money not an issue. Sadly, he rarely socialises so, unlike lots of couples, there's no scope for repaying the favour. Would really appreciate your thoughts as have lost sight of what's reasonable anymore. Most others going all weekend also have young kids. Apols for ramble.

[belwiz]

Me neither, come to that- but I get picture. He is in a league of his own when it comes to formalising normal conversations...

[Titsywoo]

My dh has aspergers but he would be encouraging me to go. I have been away several times with friends and there is no emotional blackmail or sulking involved. If there was I would be furious with him. Go and enjoy yourself. Parenting is not solely your job that you need permission to have a break from. You should have serious words with him about his attitude.

[BreakingDad77]

He should be able to cope, to me this is failure as a dad.

Before DS born after hearing a friends story of the mother having to come home from a night out, not because the kids were crazy sick or anything but because "he couldn't cope". I was like I NEVER want to be that dad.

DS is a toddler now, but DW has had holiday and breaks nights away.

[toffeeboffin]

Gatehouse is right.

I am me.
You are you.

[Lightbulbon]

If you feel you have to behave in a certain way to avoid huffy ness then that is abusive behaviour.

It is 100% not on.

[KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth]

With regards to reciprocation, can you take the kids away for a weekend or an overnight so he gets some time to himself ? This is how it works for us, I have friends who live far away and I love to go and visit them, DHs friends all live local so he doesn't have the same opportunities / reasons to go away. But in the holidays I take the kids away, DH gets very little time off work so it makes sense for me to take the kids on holiday, it means me and the kids get a holiday, and DH has some time to himself - he can go out and get drunk with friends, or stay up til 4am playing computer games lol

You should definitely go on the weekend away though, for both nights. Your DH needs to parent his children!

[belwiz]

Toffee boffin, English is his mother tongue. I think that when he's huffing he uses such ridiculous turns of phrase as a means of passive aggression. In general, I can see my fatal flaw has been to 'put it' to dh rather than just saying I'm going. Will know for next time

[Hurrayitsnotdark]

He's a big boy and he's their father. He needs to get over himself and you need to go and have a great time

[Nanny0gg]

He doesn't need to understand why you want to go. He just needs to know that you want to go.

And he should be happy to cope for two nights.

[MiniCooperLover]

I would just say 'I've booked my break' and leave it at that now. Don't learn any lessons for 'the next time'

[MistressMerryWeather]

You are a more restrained woman than me, because if DH every suggested he was facilitating me going to a book club by looking after his own children I would wet myself laughing.

Have you ever pointed out how ridiculous he sounds?

Personally I wouldn't get into any conversations about reciprocation right now, he sounds like the type of person who would make your life a misery playing tit for tat.

Use this particular strop he is attempting to throw to make some changes in the way he thinks he can treat you.

Make it clear that he is free to make plans of his own but you won't be putting yourself out any longer because he chooses not to.

If he pulls any of the 'you're taking advantage' crap just shut him down and remind him that millions of fathers all over the world look after their children alone without complaint.

And millions of mothers all over the world are able to have social lives without being guilt tripped and huffed at by their husbands.

He needs to grow up.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

For christs sake, my dh would be positively chucking me out the door!

[Mrsnoo72]

GO GO GO! And for the whole trip. I fell into this trap for years and let DH put me off a great number of social opportunities with various nefarious reasons, whilst he did what he liked (he controls the money too so not so much freedom for me...) Anyway, it all changed when I got the chance to go away to Turkey for a week with my family (eldest was 7, then a 4 and 1 year old) - and I saved up and went without a backward glance. WONDERFUL freedom, and frankly barely missed the lot of them. He managed beautifully - but I micro-planned everything before I went (don't fall into that from guilt - pack a bag and go). You deserve a break - especially after so many years - believe me, the atmosphere is worth it and will pass. And if you do it sort of regularly he may well give up moaning and sulking as he'll realise it's pointless as you'll do it anyway. Took me years to realise he couldn't stop me! It seems to me that some partners think they're doing you a favour by looking after their own children. Am off to Europe soon for a wee break with my daughter and thinking about my next solo trip too (been saving again!). His social life or otherwise is completely irrelevant. xx

[teacher54321]

ive been asked to go away next year on a residential school trip for 5 days as a member of staff. I accepted without hesitation, knowing that in my absence Dh wouldn't even blink at having to reorganise work schedules/rope in grandma to help/take leave in order to facilitate me going. I have evening rehearsals twice a week and often at weekends, he works shifts. We have a shared calendar and although life is chaotic (first night in together for a fortnight tonight!) we manage to sort stuff out. I couldn't cope with anything else, family comes first but you are still an individual within that unit.

[belwiz]

So, it looks like I'm in a small (v unlucky) minority of people with partners who strop at any attempts to socialise separately. My fury is gathering and I'm ready to just go. Thanks all!

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Definitely go!

[edwinbear]

Go! Of course you don't "need" to go, but you would very much like to go, and that's reason enough. Dh and I take a solo holiday each once a year to do things that aren't family friendly. I go diving, he climbs up mountains. I will spend 2 or 3 days completing a Channel swim in the summer and he is going off to Scotland to drink beer. So important to be able to spend time on your own hobbies and interests and its really selfish of your dh to try and guilt trip you into missing out.

[tealoveryum]

My uncle strops like that. My aunt now no longer invites him anywhere and says 'I am doing' rather than 'can I'.

[ZanyMobster]

Definitely go. I think you are really thoughtful just agreeing to the 1 night. Both DH and I go for 4 nights each separately with our friends plus the odd few weekends away. I guess it makes it easier as DH likes going away too so he never has an is if I want to.

[Eminado]

"I think he's terrified toddler won't sleep."

Can you talk to him about the unreasonableness of this?!
I mean honestly - it's ONE weekend? He wont dissolve! How does he think lone parents/parents of multiples/any parents really cope? Does he think they just dont go
anywhere?!

I cant get around a grown man using such a
lame excuse to stop his wife having a lovely and well deserved weekend away. I've been thinking about it all evening. Ridiculous.

[idareyou]

I could have written your post. Any attempt to go out or for a weekend away is met with a strop. My husband also doesn't socialise or go out much, but if I do then I am taking time away from what he wants to do . It does leave me feeling suffocated and I arrange nights out and away just to keep myself sane and ignore the sulking.

[EasilyDistracted77]

I see it as a choice between resentment or contentment :-)

A weekend away on my own literally saved my sanity. It's so important to have time to be you, just you with no expectations from anyone else.

[BettyBi0]

I think a lot of men have very limited social lives and don't really get the whole thing. It like some of them don't understand how to keep friendships going and the importance of joining in and having fun.

I think you should just go and have a lovely time.

[kitnkaboodle]

How awful to live like this - afraid of your partner's strops Isn't he supposed to love and support you??

[GinSolvesEverything]

Just go. I'm away for the weekend right now with a big bunch of girlfriends. DH didn't even question it - and I certainly didn't need to ask permission! He'll cope just fine.