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AIBU?

...to want to go away overnight without dh or kids

99 replies

belwiz · 19/02/2016 16:10

Background is: long term friend since uni days having weekend away (posh hotel, spa etc) to celebrate her 40th. Thought it a bit much to leave dh with 3 DCs (8,6 and nearly 2yo) all weekend so said I'd try to go just sat late avo and be back sun lunchtime. DH utterly doesn't get why I 'need' to go, essentially vetoing it ('well, obvs I can't stop you but....and then lists all reasons I shouldn't go.) He thinks I'm being selfish and unreasonable. I think it's not a major ask, given that I've never done this Before in our 8 yrs as parents. Money not an issue. Sadly, he rarely socialises so, unlike lots of couples, there's no scope for repaying the favour. Would really appreciate your thoughts as have lost sight of what's reasonable anymore. Most others going all weekend also have young kids. Apols for ramble.

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belwiz · 19/02/2016 16:34

Thanks all. Cansu, reassuring to know I'm not alone in dealing with that attitude. What reasons does your partner give for not wanting you to go? Have made effort to ignore huffiness in regard to nights out, book club etc but there is sulking ALOT and it takes the shine off going out. But I won't give up otherwise I'd lose all sense of myself

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Goingtobeawesome · 19/02/2016 16:38

Say to him - why do you not want your wife to have a lovely break? Make the fucker justify it. He'll never admit he just doesn't want to look after his own kids alone for more than a minute. AND THEN GO FOR THE WHOLE TIME.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2016 16:39

Well his selfish and unreasonable response would mean that I would go for the whole time, not just a night.

You'll cope better with the childish tantrumming (from him) after a couple of nights away.

WipsGlitter · 19/02/2016 16:39

He sounds a right barrel of laughs. DP mutters about my nights out but I laugh at him! Off away overnight for work next week which I also love - wee bit off room service, glass of wine, book and huge bed to myself!!!!

cansu · 19/02/2016 16:39

Basically my partner has aspergers. He struggles with seeing other peoples point of view and as he doesn't need friends himself he can't seem to understand the enjoyment I get from socialising. The main reason is I think that he prefers me to be there in case the children are difficult or so that I will be the one on duty, listening for kids in am etc etc. it suits him that I am there. He also doesn't like eating alone. I don't often stay overnight at all and tend to go out for a drink with a friend maybe once a fortnight. He copes with that much better now. I have also maybe once a year gone on a weekend away without him. He particularly dislikes that, but he has to get over it because I am not locking myself away just because he would prefer me to.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/02/2016 16:40

Having read so many threads lately about arse hole, twatty, controlling, abusive pathetic men I wonder how they ever got perfectly lovely women to marry them and have kids with them.

uhoh1973 · 19/02/2016 16:41

Go! run like the wind! DH always complains but its good for them to cope on their own ;-)

belwiz · 19/02/2016 16:42

GTB awesome, I asked more or less that c question earlier I.e does there have to be sthg in it for you or kids? Can't it just be a break for me? He just doesn't get it. This has been the sticky issue of our relationship for years. He is In all other respects kind, considerate, pulls weight with kids and housework, and yes, I concede, I reap the benefits of his lack of social life insofar as it leaves him free to

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belwiz · 19/02/2016 16:44

Posted too soon.... Anyway, it's all part of a 'not understanding the need to see friends that much' attitude, ingrained, I suspect, since early years via parents' attitudes. Doesn't chime with rest of his personality at all. Ho hum. Will talk about it later when he gets back from work but your perspectives have galvanised me a lot so many thanks xx

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Gatehouse77 · 19/02/2016 16:46

I'd be going for all of it if I wanted to. DH would never put an argument for me not to go. In fact, I went to Egypt for a week when ours were 3, 5 and 6. It was term time so he had to do school runs, lunch boxes, wishing, ironing, the lot!

And I have/would do the same for him.

Yes, I have a family.
Yes, I have responsibilities.
Yes, I am a mother.
Yes, I am a wife.

But, I am also ME! I have times when I need/want to be an individual. I have friends, family, obligations, etc. as that individual as well as part of my nuclear family.

Thelwell · 19/02/2016 16:47

Go. It would be nice to have his support, but his permission is certainly not required. Seriously, make it the whole weekend....if he wants to go the same, no worries...if he doesn't want to do the same, also no worries

Have a great time!

eddielizzard · 19/02/2016 16:52

you tell him it's really important to you. you have to go otherwise you'll lose yourself.

EllieJayJay · 19/02/2016 16:55

Please go for it OP

gatehouse says it wonderfully

I actually love it when DP goes out for a night he comes back refreshed he is him he loves it when I go out because I come back me... We also enjoy nights out together and well... Keeps the love alive

We are all the things gatehouse says

belwiz · 19/02/2016 16:57

Cansu, what you say about your husband not understanding the enjoyment you get from socialising rings v familiar. It's so hard to explain to someone why something so fundamental and basic as having friends is important to you....emotionally taxing, to say the least

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mybabywakesupsinging · 19/02/2016 16:57

I struggle to see why it is difficult for a parent to look after their kids for tweny-four hours to be honest.
I tend not to go away for weekend things often because my work includes a weekend rota and I feel I spend enough time away from my family already.
DH doesn't have that issue, so if he wants to go to something of that type (unlikely to be a spa weekend!) that's fine by me.
We do try to make sure we have weekend time together as a family but once in a while is no big deal.
Can you try to find something your DH wants to do - doesn't have to be social - that you could support in terms of time / money / childcare to make things feel even? Would that help?

thebestfurchinchilla · 19/02/2016 17:01

YANBU. Go.

green18 · 19/02/2016 17:05

My Dh has a weekend away once a year and I know I can. I don't often but that's just my choice. When I do spend a night away I feel glad to be home and appreciate all I have. If you feel trapped at home then that is not good for your future together.
What does he enjoy? A hobby? Perhaps talk him into a night away even if it's a night away pursuing a hobby rather than socialising.

CiderwithBuda · 19/02/2016 17:15

Please go. Do not fall for the sulking.

I would just tell him you have thought about it and whilst you understand he doesn't feel the need the to go out socially very often that you do. You enjoy your friends' company. You enjoy being YOU. It doesn't mean you don't love him and love being a mother and enjoy doing things as a couple and as a family but it is good and healthy to have some separate things.

I left DS over night for the first time when he was 20 months - went away over night with some friends leaving DS with DH. I have done it regularly ever since. Last year I went to Australia and was away almost four weeks! DS is now 14 so wasn't missing me!

MistressMerryWeather · 19/02/2016 17:19

So because he doesn't like going out/away you will never be able too?

Sorry no, it doesn't work like that. I would be furious at his attitude.

You need to tell him that life isn't only about doing what's essential and looking after his own children for one weekend isn't a big hardship.

If he sulks, confront him and let him know you won't put up with that nonsense anymore. He's a grown man not a stroppy teen.

belwiz · 19/02/2016 17:29

This is all so true. His favourite term when i go out is 'I am facilitating you' even though he's sitting in front of television and hasn't had to do anything extra. I've managed to sustain book club, weekly run and maybe monthly night out so haven't given up on outside life altogether. I accused him of being controlling and he's accusing me of taking advantage of him just because he's not into going out. Good points re finding other means of reciprocation. Will mull that one over and throw it in to next
'Discussion'

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MistressMerryWeather · 19/02/2016 17:33

'I am facilitating you'

This is how he speaks to you?

He sounds like a bond villain.

belwiz · 19/02/2016 17:35

Love it, mistress- that has cheered me up no end!

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Goingtobeawesome · 19/02/2016 17:37

Bond villain sounds to good.

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 17:38

Hmm, difficult really if he doesn't socialise.

DH is away atm skiing for four days, I'm home alone with DS.

In April I'm away for four nights on a city break, he's home alone with DS.

Swings and roundabouts.

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 17:38

Is English his second language, OP?

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