to think that Facebook really hurts?

[DorothyL]

Two friends having a "long overdue" catch up, while their boys played...

I used to be included in that when the children were smaller... Now I think I don't get asked because ds has sn and can be a bit difficult

I gave up Facebook almost 2 years ago because I got sick of seeing-isn't-my- life-wonderful-I'm -such-a-smug-&-spectacularly-annoying-dick updates.
Now I just communicate with real friends and spend too much time on Mumsnet

I had a big bust up with a friend which kind of divided my friendship group, and I found it painful to keep seeing pictures of my ex friend and some good friends having lots of fun. So in a drastic but ultimately successful measure, I deactivated that account and started using a new facebook profile that I had been using just for my hobby. Gradually I re added a lot of friends on the new profile, but I'm still only friends with about a third as many people, as I was previously which means a) that I see more of their news and less new of people I barely know or don't really like and b) they are people I am genuinely really happy to hear about. I'm less addicted to FB and less panicky about it and it's a lot better.

However, I don't think this post is just about FB is it? I think that the picture of the two friends made you feel lonely. Could you use FB for good and find a group of local mums with SN kids that you could meet up with? Facebook can be very useful for ending isolation. I hope you can find some more supportive friends to send time with.

Scuse all the typos, oh dear me.

Facebook used to be great when I was at university and I could use it to look at photos from mad student nights out or organise drunken parties. As a proper grown up, it's less fun because it's all about other people's kids/marriages or people posting passive aggressive things about others.

It's not nice to feel left out though and unfortunately Facebook makes it so obvious when you'd be otherwise blissfully unaware. Think about whether they might have intended for you to see it - are they that sort? If so, maybe try and find new friends who include you and your DS or even better, support you with his SN.

I deleted FB about 5 years ago and have never missed it for a moment. It was making me feel so insecure.
Now real friends call me! And i call them obvs. And there's WhatsApp and Mumsnet which are still fun & interactive :) Try life without it - so much better.

I just feel so upset for ds that he hasn't really got anybody who wants to see him

We have groups near us that do activities in the holidays specifically for children with SN. Its a great meeting place for parents to relax and gain support and for the children to play without the judgeneyness of your average softplay. Google it for your area. Ours is called the Island or Snappy but think there are national schemes.

As for the FB thing as people have said, its not FB that's the problem, it's people. Just unfollow anyone who's making you feel crap if you don't want the drama of 'unfriending'. I did this with my ILs as was tired of their constant excuses of not visiting DS only to see them on days out with other GCs all over FB. It is hurtful but but only if you let it be, ignore, move on and find those who will treat you better.

FB is insidious. When you 1st start out its all fun, you add loads of people, do the forums. After a while its horrid tho - people split off into groups, there are loads of "look at me me me and my life" photos, I've known people to start up affairs on there, seen friends fall out etc.

My friends list is minimal now, mostly people I also know in real life, and I won't have anyone on there who posts negative and unpleasant stuff, no-one over-boastful, no religious nuts etc. Im in 2 music-related forums, and thats it. Anything more would crowd my head too much and I don't want to see and know what people are up to on FB. People pretend its good for a catch up - but generally, it isn't. Its people sitting on their backside in their own homes "communicating" via a computer and pretending thats friendship, and only showing the parts of their life that look glam for FB. I prefer to pick up the phone, or text, and I see friends even if its once every 3 months for a few hours.

No, its not nice being excluded OP. & at least you know this "friend" isn't a friend. Not aiming to sound patronising but she shouldn't be so responsible for your happiness and good feelings anyway. If its mostly about your son well then you will have to get up and go out there look at other leads and options, with him in mind

meetup.com is good for mums with children who want to get out, aside from that there must be organisations who run groups that would be suitable for you and your boy. Use your laptop to get looking. SN doesn't have to be a barrier at all but if thats making you cautious then find a group you know will suit his needs. Just try it and see.

What hurts is that they included me when ds was younger but now they don't... I know I need to go out there and find new friends but I wish I didn't have to!!

But, you do OP - for yours & DS' sake. Make a new life for yourselves and forget about shallow people who mean you no good. Its not easy but it can be done there are good people out there..maybe part of it is use your laptop not to look at FB, but to do some research into venues/avenues/groups who would be welcoming to you, individuals perhaps in same situation who are looking to meet up.

Combine has made a suggestion on this thread. Would be good to look into that. OK you know how your friends are so focus on letting go..they used to include you now they don't, so find your own path towards people who are more accepting of you, that could lead to new friendships and at the very least, activities/outlets for your DS. He is more important than your silly, shallow so-called friends

I found Facebook problematic.

I'm quite an anxious person naturally, and I found myself getting caught up in loads of stuff that upset me, or I found myself increasingly paranoid that my life was more boring than everyone else, or that everyone else was amazing friends and I was missing out on loads of stuff.

I deleted my profile and it was the best thing I've ever done! It took a while, but the friends who are my real friends text or call me now, as they know I won't see groups and events (although there were a few occasions when I missed stuff but they got the hang of it in the end :))

Seeing that friends had met up without me would have really upset me before, but two years Facebook free has made me a happier, less anxious person. If I meet someone I like, I stay in touch via text and pursue that friendship. A lot of PPs seem to say the same thing. For certain people Facebook just makes you feel inadequate.

Totally second DeeCee, meetup is a fantastic way to meet new people, there are absolutely loads of choose from, and if you can't see anything that works for you then you can set up your own! When I moved to a new city, I met tons of new people that way, you do sometimes have to filter out the weirdos but it's definitely been worth it for some fantastic new friends.

Best thing I ever did was delete Facebook.

Is there a venue which could work for all the children?
I say that as one of the school run group has a spirited child, we probably differ over approach but I do know I won't be volunteering another playtime after last time, however also realising how tough it can be for her happily meet at a park or country park where he can effectively free reign without so much destruction physically and emotionally

So sorry op. I've got children with sn too, I understand. Are there any sn groups near you? I go to a couple and find them really good. Lots of nice non judgy people. My boys love them too, my 9 year old says it makes him feel less alone knowing there are other children like him. Not that he's spoken to any of them mind you . He's happy knowing they exist though.

well looking at the bright side....without fb you wouldnt know your frineds were total pricks. now you do!

You say these friends included you when your DS was younger. Maybe you just drifted apart and it's unrelated to your DS? I know it feels hurtful for you but try to put it behind you.

I think you're far more likely to meet likeminded people away from FB.

Away from FB you can easily phone your friends, email them a couple of photos etc. FB is only good for the "round robin" approach where everyone on a list sees the same things about you, and you about them.

OP this is shitty. My friend's son has Autism and she found she had to fight tooth and nail to get included in stuff once he hit 5 and wasn't as biddable as he had been.

she then gave up on 90% of her mates and instead she started a special needs meet and play group. She has it on during the hols and it's a pound a family...coffee and cheap biccies on offer and loads of lovely people who understand that all kids are different.

Her NT child has also made new friends through the group.

I could have thought of something that might have worked for al the children if they had asked me in the first place! Saying "Dorothy, we'd love to see you and ds but know it's not easy, any ideas how we could make it work?" would have been fine!

Dorothy I really feel for you. I am not on FB. I think it can only enhance any anxiety, insecurity, feelings of isolation or resentment that you project onto the screen. I hate that it is such a facade. I have seen 2 posts on DH's FB that sickened me, one from a friend saying she was having the best mat leave ever when she had texted me that morning saying she was going to be admitted for induction due to complications, one showing my severely anorexic sister in a bridesmaid's dress with comments underneath complimenting her skeletal figure when I knew she had not eaten at all on the day of the wedding. Shudder.
That said, it may well be useful for finding like-minded people or tracking down local SN meet-ups as others have suggested.
If you could have suggested an alternative meet-up that would have been ok for your DS, I would just bite the bullet, reach out to them, suggest it and see what they say. If you meet up and you are chatting face to face you could always say that you'd love to be included from now on. My youngest sis has SN but a lot of people are quite oblivious as to what is/not suitable for SN children so it's a pain but in a sense you can act as your DS's advocate by meeting up with them and showing them that he can easily be included. Good luck with it all.

Dorothy, have you found the MNlocal meet-up site?

I'm really bad at saying things to people as I get over emotional.

Norks, will have a look!

I agree with WorraLiberty

I have a love, hate relationship with FB. I love seeing the interesting careers, arty photos of friends and funny quips. Am bored by selfies and yukky quotes.

I only post happy stuff but hope I don't come across as an idiot!

I use it as a photo diary of interesting days out as I don't print off photos!

Try life without it - so much better

For you. Lots people enjoy having FB and dont have any issues or angst like you read on threads here. I couldnt care less who has/doesnt have FB but there is definitely an element from some on these type of threads of superiority because they dont use it.