To have been angry when in labour?

[Bearsinmotion]

Because apparently DP was "embarrassed"...

DS is nearly 1 now, and the whole birth experience still bothers me. DD is 4. I have a medical condition that is rare in women of child bearing age, so my first pregnancy was heavily monitored. In the end she was induced, ended up with an epidural, drip and then helped out by the consultant I'd seen throughout pregnancy. It was well managed and not in the least traumatic.

I was booked for an induction on my due date for DS. Plan was the same as DD. But, I went in to labour the night before. Went to hospital, hung about for an hour then moved to delivery suite. My notes had a big sticker on to say high priority for anaesthetist, so he was alerted, but midwives checked and he was dealing with an emergency.

I found labour incredibly intense, and frankly terrifying. I blame myself in part - I was fixated on him being induced, like DD, and hadn't looked at anything about spontaneous labour. I think the midwife figured I had had one baby, so knew what was happening. But I felt completely lost and powerless. And in so, so much pain, with very short breaks between contractions.

After three hours I felt I was going mad. I begged DP and the midwife to help, but they just told me I was "doing well". The midwife made no suggestions at all, not to get off the bed, change position, anything like that. I was frightened, and yes, angry. I didn't shout at anyone, I do remember the midwife stepping out for some reason and saying to DP it wouldn't make much difference as she wasn't helping much anyway.

But the "coping" comments were what upset me. It trivialised how I felt. I wasn't coping. I really wasn't. i had no control, I couldn't do anything. And I pretty much would have done anything to make it stop. I felt like their comments refused to recognise that I wasn't coping. I wasn't ok.

In the end I had an epidural. As soon as the man arrived I felt I could cope, I knew what was happening, and the pain would be over soon. And it was. After that, I was calm, I was happy. DS arrived a few hours later, there was a minor tear (midwife did tell me if I had "pushed properly" I wouldn't have torn ).

So, I recently said to DP that if I had that experience with DC1, she would have been an only child. He was shocked, said it "wasn't that bad", that I should have "just got on with it", and that I was really angry, which was embarrassing.

This has really upset me. It's shown that I was right that he didn't understand what I was going through. Or that, actually, a lot of women do get angry in labour, it's a way of coping with the pain. So, was I unreasonable to be angry in labour? Or should I have just got on with it and not embarressed him?

[TheMouseThatRoared]

She didnt cope with it though, she sounds like it has traumatised her- that is not a sign of someone who 'coped'.

[ridemesideways]

Maybe check out the Birth Trauma Association OP, as many don't understand how you can feel traumatised even if 'on paper' your birth seemed fine and nobody died.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP YANBU. What output said.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

As a midwife ive seen women have all sorts of emotions in labour including anger. You can't help how it affects you. But it's silly and unsupportive of your Dh to say he was embarrassed, etc. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

As a midwife we do our best to be supportive and encouraging. So telling women how well they're doing, etc. Most women I think appreciate hearing this and find it reassuring. But yes some women may not be reassured and just feel that the midwife isn't acknowledging how it feels, what they're Going through. I'm sorry you didn't feel better supported in labour.

[VaticanAssassin]

You gave birth, and your baby was born safely. So despite all the pain, anger and feeling out of control, you did cope.

[RubbleBubble00]

ok you physically coped but we're completely mentally unprepared for natural labour, that's ok. Your partner probably doesn't get the pain you were in and the state of mental panic you were suffering. It didn't go to plan and it wasn't what you were expecting.

It is blooming scary. It makes me a little cross that we as women dont get proper preparation for labour. You pretty much described my first labour. The anger, the fear and panic.

Second was better for me as I had a lovely mw during pregnancy who brought me in and mentally prepared me fo labour in two hour sessions - Mml unit. She talked me through labour stages, how long pains would last, how I could mentally cope with the waves of pain ect, using imagery and stuff. Sounds pretty yogurt knitter but it really made a huge difference

[ridemesideways]

Your feelings are valid OP. Don't let anyone minimise them.

[NNalreadyinuse]

You were not coping - you were suffering until someone came along who could help you. I would be raging with dh if he told me he was embarrassed. I think you have to get to the bottom of this with him or it will eat at you forevever. Maybe you can review your labour with the hospital (with dh present so he hears how things were for you) or in counselling (agaon woth dh). Possibly he is minimising your experience out of fear - the 2nd labour was not what he had been expecting either, based on the first. Maybe it is easier to feel embarrassed about you being angry than acknowledging to himself that he failed you in labour. I don't know, but it needs to be talked about.

[Bearsinmotion]

You gave birth, and your baby was born safely. So despite all the pain, anger and feeling out of control, you did cope.

Right. I gave birth and nobody died. Must have coped then.

Like I said, this is what I really find hard to understand. Is that the bar? Did I have to self harm, or try and hurt the baby? Then that would show I wasn't coping?

[ricketytickety]

In that case I would say you were very frightened. Do you think you might need to get a debrief from the midwives/obstetrician? They could go over the midwife notes. I had one with the obstretrician and they went over everything the midwives recorded and their actions, but then we had problems with the birth and the baby's health was affected.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

I know how you feel, I had a pretty quick ( 3 hours total, 4 mins of pushing ), but incredibly intense labour. I just wasn't prepared for how painful it was and did not react well .

I was thrashing and kicking like a wild animal, I nearly fell off the bed several times, accidentally ripped the iv from my hand ( no time for the epidural anyway ) and had to be put in stirrups and the end - and I was screaming the whole time.

It was awful, and then made all the worse by my bf (now ex!) telling me immediately afterwards that I'd embarrassed myself, he'd never been so ashamed, other women don't carry on like that etc etc. And the midwives tutting and huffing at me ( at one point got told I was being "really silly" ) didn't help either.

For a long time after I had really negative feelings about my labour, and then one day I looked at my DS and realised that it was ME who had brought him into this world not my ex. It was my body doing the work and it really didn't matter if I wasn't calm and serene while doing it - I still did it. And so did you. If your reaction was anger - who cares? If your DH thinks giving birth is a walk in the park then shove a watermelon up his arse and see if he gets a bit angry trying to push it back out.

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

i think the issue here is that yes, the OP coped physically with labour, its what our bodies are designed to do... but she didn't cope mentally, and feels her DP and the midwife failed to acknowledge that.

[ricketytickety]

When I said you 'coped brilliantly' I was trying to reassure you that you did a grand job giving birth because it is bloody hard. Not trying to minimise your distress. Trying to make you feel better about your achievement. However, you clearly didn't get the support you needed in labour. Do you still have flashbacks about it all?

[Bearsinmotion]

ok you physically coped but we're completely mentally unprepared for natural labour, that's ok. Your partner probably doesn't get the pain you were in and the state of mental panic you were suffering.

This! Totally this!

I think it hit me extra hard because I'm used to medical procedures. I've had unpleasant and painful procedures, general anaesthetics, local anaesthetics, sedation, and it's all been unpleasant, but ok. But I have never been as scared and in pain as I was in those few hours, and (it seemed to me) nobody cared, or believed me.

[ridemesideways]

Sometimes, support in labour is shit. I would say that the MW was more to blame than your DP, as he would have probably followed her lead as the professional.

We're so used to seeing shit care, we don't have any clue what good care looks like any more.

The difference a kind word makes, talking though your fears, doubts, breathing with you, holding your hand, suggesting position changes or a bath, showing your partner how to support and calm you, so you don't feel frightened and lost. This is what makes all the difference.

[ricketytickety]

I would say that someone thrashing about and pulling lines out needs a different level of care, yes. But I have no medical training. It's hard because the aneathitist was detained in an emergency c section. You might need to ring the hospital and see who you can ask about it. Could be they need to debrief and work out how to help women in a similar situation. Did they offer you any sedation? Would that have bee dangerous if you were then going to have an epidural when the anaethitist became free?

[ricketytickety]

Here's the NHS complaints proceedure

www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Rightsandpledges/complaints/Pages/NHScomplaints.aspx

worth a look - you can make an informal complaint. They need to know if things weren't right so they can improve for other people.

[Bearsinmotion]

weebaby yes, that sounds very familiar! Sorry to hear your experience, but it sounds like you've moved on. I know I will one day. Just not there yet :(

rickety, I do understand that. But I didn't cope brilliantly. I just didn't. I am just so glad DD's birth was first, because there is no fucking way I would go through DS's birth again.

[Narp]

This sounds like my experience of my first labour. i was unprepared for the intensity of the pain (from the beginning, with closely-spaced contractions - not at all what I had been expecting). I could not have moved, but regardless of that no-one suggested it, and then I had to be monitored as the baby had passed Meconium.

I shouted very loudly and I swore - not at anyone.. I got really angry when the anaesthetist who came to administer (finally) the epidural hit his head and everyone seemed more worried about him that me . I felt powerless, and my response was anger - not aggression, anger.

I agree with what TheWeeBabySeamus says.

For a long time I felt guilt about the labour resulting in a EMCS and me not breastfeeding. I now feel proud that I endured it.

If anyone dared to say anything to me about being embarrassing, I would tell them how disappointed I was in them


OP, my question is - do you feel you aren't coping now?

If so, I'd advise a birth debrief, and an appointment with your GP - because it is possible that you are depressed and/or traumatised right now

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

It does sound like you were physically coping with a birth that was progressing and therefore your midwives felt things were normal.
They hadn't understood that you were failing to cope with a situation that you hadn't expected to be in and was frightening you. Most women worry about the pain in the week's leading up to birth but you were suddenly placed in the middle of it.

[ricketytickety]

It is entirely possible that as you have different needs you may well have been in an abnormal amount of pain and that they did not realise this.

[moopymoodle]

It sounds like you had a great first labour and expected them to be the same with 2nd. I was refused any pain review at a with my 2nd, wasn't even allowed gas and air. The nhs Is shit, however your experience isn't put of thr ordinary!

Your DH sounds nasty, most people freak out in labour and feel out of control. He needs to stop minimising your pain.

[moopymoodle]

Christ my typos. Apologies!!

[Penfold007]

Have you asked for a debrief with the maternity unit? I get that you were angry but the anaesthetist was already dealing with an emergency so the options were limited.

To still be angry suggests you might benefit from talking it through with the maternity unit and maybe a counsellor.

[alltouchedout]

I was vile during my third birth. I shouted, I swore, I threatened, I sobbed, I totally lost the plot. My dh held my hands when I wanted it and sat back when I didn't and later on laughed with me over it all. And he's proud of me for going through it and would look on anyone whose response was that of your DH'S with absolute scorn.

I've done calm and possessed birth, I'm no prouder of that one than the third. I'm proud that I gave birth to my babies, but as for how I acted during those births? Totally immaterial.