To have been angry when in labour?

[Bearsinmotion]

Because apparently DP was "embarrassed"...

DS is nearly 1 now, and the whole birth experience still bothers me. DD is 4. I have a medical condition that is rare in women of child bearing age, so my first pregnancy was heavily monitored. In the end she was induced, ended up with an epidural, drip and then helped out by the consultant I'd seen throughout pregnancy. It was well managed and not in the least traumatic.

I was booked for an induction on my due date for DS. Plan was the same as DD. But, I went in to labour the night before. Went to hospital, hung about for an hour then moved to delivery suite. My notes had a big sticker on to say high priority for anaesthetist, so he was alerted, but midwives checked and he was dealing with an emergency.

I found labour incredibly intense, and frankly terrifying. I blame myself in part - I was fixated on him being induced, like DD, and hadn't looked at anything about spontaneous labour. I think the midwife figured I had had one baby, so knew what was happening. But I felt completely lost and powerless. And in so, so much pain, with very short breaks between contractions.

After three hours I felt I was going mad. I begged DP and the midwife to help, but they just told me I was "doing well". The midwife made no suggestions at all, not to get off the bed, change position, anything like that. I was frightened, and yes, angry. I didn't shout at anyone, I do remember the midwife stepping out for some reason and saying to DP it wouldn't make much difference as she wasn't helping much anyway.

But the "coping" comments were what upset me. It trivialised how I felt. I wasn't coping. I really wasn't. i had no control, I couldn't do anything. And I pretty much would have done anything to make it stop. I felt like their comments refused to recognise that I wasn't coping. I wasn't ok.

In the end I had an epidural. As soon as the man arrived I felt I could cope, I knew what was happening, and the pain would be over soon. And it was. After that, I was calm, I was happy. DS arrived a few hours later, there was a minor tear (midwife did tell me if I had "pushed properly" I wouldn't have torn ).

So, I recently said to DP that if I had that experience with DC1, she would have been an only child. He was shocked, said it "wasn't that bad", that I should have "just got on with it", and that I was really angry, which was embarrassing.

This has really upset me. It's shown that I was right that he didn't understand what I was going through. Or that, actually, a lot of women do get angry in labour, it's a way of coping with the pain. So, was I unreasonable to be angry in labour? Or should I have just got on with it and not embarressed him?

[Bearsinmotion]

Thanks to everyone, by the way. Several of you are saying I think what DP would say / think, and it helps to articulate how I feel.

[Finola1step]

Bears I hear what you're saying. From what you have said, you were angry and frightened. In a state of high anxiety and you just wanted to run. As soon as you knew an epidural was on its way, you felt safer. Everything you have described is completely understandable.

And you want your dp to recognise that physically you coped, but emotionally you were battered. The birth was not what you had planned and this would be very scary.

You are entitled to feel how you like about your birth experience. Many dps feel scared and out of control watching their partner give birth. But to be told that he was embarrassed is unacceptable.

He needs to take a good, hard look at why he felt "embarrassed". Scared, confused, out of his depth, exhausted..all of those I can understand. But embarrassed? No.

I apparently mooed like a cow while crowning with DD. I'm sure dh would have wanted to wet himself laughing. But he had the good grace not to. I only know because he mentioned it once when we were talking about dd's homebirth. And then he changed the subject vv quickly.

So I think you do need to ask you dp, when you have a quiet moment together, to explain what the Jeff he means by embarrassed.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

rickety not sure if that was for me or the OP but the reason for no pain relief was that the MWs didn't believe that the labour was as far along as it was. When I went in I was 3cm and then they did a sweep and left me alone in the room. Within minutes labour properly started, but they refused to check for 45 mins ( its your first labour it will be hours, theres no way you'll be more than 4/5cm etc ) and when they finally agreed ( after I projectile.vomited across the room ) to check I was 8cm gone. By the time we went to a different ward and they got the IV in I was 10cm and ready to go. I had been given pethadine while I was asking them to check how far gone I was but because they assumed it was going to be a long labour they would only me a half dose as it "was too early on".

And Bears I'm the same, as much as I've moved on I don't think I could ever do it again.

[nutellacrumpet]

YABU. I think I would have been embarrassed if my partner was being rude to a nurse or medical professional that was trying to help him. Regardless of pain there was no need to be such a diva and be so rude. Also, you probably should get over it or go talk to a counselor. You had a relatively straight forward birth. Happy, healthy baby, no real trauma or drama (except what you caused). Some women die in childbirth, or have serious complications or have still births or emergency c-sections.

[Veritat]

I suppose the problem is that a really intense labour like that is far beyond most men's experience and of course they have no idea what we are going through, and some have difficulty in realising that when you're in intense, overwhelming pain societal norms simply don't apply.

My experience is on a whole different level, but I was induced for DC1 and went into labour naturally for DC2 and DH drove me to the hospital. The maternity hospital was on a street corner with no on-site parking, so we had to park on the street and I got another contraction just as I was getting out. I leaned on the car and tried to breathe my way through it and thought I was doing really rather well not to groan, but DH was clearly mortified and muttering at me that people could see me. When the contraction stopped I told him to fuck off and pointed out that women in labour were certainly a pretty routine sight for people in that area, and indeed they were probably quite used to people actually giving birth. It's worth noting that DH generally worries much, much more what people are thinking than I do - my view is that, given that I will probably never see them again, I don't give a damn. Ultimately after it was all over I took the piss out of him and he did have the grace to apologise.

In your case, I think you need to point out that the midwives will have seen it all before and will certainly have seen behaviour that is much, much worse. And that it would probably have been a lot less embarrassing if he had been supporting you rather than sitting there mentally tutting.

[BeaufortBelle]

I agree with ridemesideways. I think the midwife provided sub optimal care and lacked empathy taking into account your medical history. She should have been a lot more supportive and should have empowered you and your husband to believe you had made a huge achievement against what you were expecting. She was unkind. I think you should contact the head of midwifery and ask for a maternity debriefing and get some counselling arranged. You DH has been insensitive but isn't a professional. The midwife should have known better.

DS arrived naturally just, got an epidural eventually, had a small tear. On paper seems ok. The reality didn't seem ok and I couldn't articulate it until dd's much better and mire cathartic birth took place. That's how much I wanted more children.

I feel for you OP.

[AliceScarlett]

Nutella, what a horrible thing to say.

[ridemesideways]

Unacceptable and ignorant Nutella. Do you not believe in mental heath? Suggest you educate yourself by reading some of the experiences on the birth trauma website.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

nutella have a watermelon love - tis on me

[imwithspud]

Oh be quiet nutella. So just because other women 'have it worse' op is not allowed to feel how she does about her own experience? It doesn't work like that.

YANBU. Labour can do funny things to people. Apparently I called my dp a 'fucking bastard' in labour with dd2 - I have absolutely no recollection of it at all! I also shouted, screamed, said I was dying, nearly fell off the bed a few times. Dd1 was worse, it was like something from the exorcist until the epidural kicked in. Not pretty, but the midwives have seen it all before.

Sounds like you could do with a bit of support to help come to terms with your experience. Your dp claiming to be 'embarrassed' is very selfish and insensitive of him, having a baby is scary, painful and sometimes traumatic.

[Narp]

nutella

Calling someone a diva suggests you are immature

[5608Carrie]

OP I think you should seek counselling. Only you know how you felt at the time and you need help to process those feelings. Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently to pain, stress, worry, anxiety and it sounds like you went through all that and more.

I think a safe place to explore those thoughts and feeling would be if great benefit.

Some of the comments on this thread and are insensitive only you know what you went through.

[Bearsinmotion]

Thanks nutella. There's always one.

Incidentally, I don't think I was ever rude to any HCPs. I remember saying to her, "Please, please help me, I can't do this" and she said I was ok. Then she said she had to step out for five minutes and I said "Fine." Then when she'd gone I said to DP, "She was hardly fucking helping anyway!" Which yes, is a bit rude, but no less than DP would say to another driver cutting him up

[ridemesideways]

If you wanted to debrief with someone outside of the NHS Bears, independent midwives will usually come out to you for a chat. If you feel that having your feelings validated by a midwife would be useful. Most would charge just a small fee for this.

[Bearsinmotion]

Those suggesting counselling, I was in touch with a local charity about CBT. They gave me an assessment but as I wasn't at risk or putting anyone else at risk I didn't meet their criteria. Despite that, they were very nice and said I could go back if I felt I needed to. May take them up on that.

[ridemesideways]

Sounds like your midwife was perhaps inexperienced, or burnt out, or too busy. None of which are acceptable excuses for providing poor care.

[FaceTheFace]

"If you were making a huge fuss then I can see why your DH was embarrassed.
Either way .. You've got your beautiful baby .... What does it matter!!!! Don't stress the small stuff xx"

That infuriated me to read ...so incredibly dismissive. But then I read Nutella's comment, and just gave up in despair.

[VagueIdeas]

FWIW OP, I think some posters on here are confusing "coping" with "getting through it". Not the same thing. You got through it because you had no choice and it happened despite you

It sounds as if your midwife was spectacularly unsympathetic and could have done a whole lot more to support you and help you feel calmer. Not walking out of the room declaring that she needn't be there because you were beyond help (or words to that effect). Blaming you for the tear is just cruel.

As for your husband, he's being an unsympathetic dick also. He was embarrassed? Diddums. What was HE doing to support and calm you down?

[TheCatsMeow]

nutella is a goady fucker I've come across a few of her posts before. One of the sanctimommy martyrs.

[ghostyslovesheep]

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I think a few people could do with looking at this organisation - and maybe educating themselves or - if they can't try and empathise just shut up

Birth trauma is a really thing - it is often the result of having a birth where you are ignored, unsupported, verbally attacked, dismissed, talked down to and treated like a 'diva'. My second child almost died and has long term effects as a result of a midwife who treated me like that

the OP has every right to be angry - and she didn't 'cope' - who ever said it happened despite her not coping is spot on

[BillBrysonsBeard]

I felt like this OP, so out of control and like no-one was listening. It was happening so fast. "You're doing so well" and just staring at me. I felt so alone and scared. The only time they listened was when I was crying and shitting myself and demanding a C-section.
I wish it had been more like Call The Midwife where you have these loving nurses surrounding you and supporting. I would have felt strong enough to give birth.

[Bearsinmotion]

Dixie, I do agree with you to an extent, that perhaps she felt as she couldn't give me an epidural she couldn't help. But I was surprised she offered nothing at all. With DD, it wasn't a smooth birth, it lasted a long time, I lost a lot of blood, had a ridiculous number of stitches and they brought in the resus trolley for DD just in case. But it never felt frightening, the midwives (there were 3 from start to finish, just one for DS) were all lovely, calm and reassuring. Just how I'd hoped a midwife would be!

[ridemesideways]

I will never forget when, as a trainee midwife, a senior midwife was making fun of a mum in the staffroom. She was doing an impression of the poor mum, mocking her for being out of control. This midwife was lauded by others (who were frightened of her really) for being 'no nonsense', but really she was burnt out and cruel. And it rubbed off.

Unfortunately, there can sometimes be an element of 'get on with it dear', especially where areas are overstretched.

Not acceptable.

[BeaufortBelle]

Gah, epidurals and not having anaesthetists to provide them. Some procedures where local anaesthetic is never witheld:

Dentistry
Minor surgery to remove moles, ingriwing toenail, etc. I had a local when a breast abscess was drained.

No comparison really.

Why is an epidural not provided when required? When I had dd I refused to contemplate a vaginal birth unless I was guaranteed an epidural and,an experienced midwife. It is one if the few occasions when I have written "litigation lawyer" on a form.