To have been angry when in labour?

[Bearsinmotion]

Because apparently DP was "embarrassed"...

DS is nearly 1 now, and the whole birth experience still bothers me. DD is 4. I have a medical condition that is rare in women of child bearing age, so my first pregnancy was heavily monitored. In the end she was induced, ended up with an epidural, drip and then helped out by the consultant I'd seen throughout pregnancy. It was well managed and not in the least traumatic.

I was booked for an induction on my due date for DS. Plan was the same as DD. But, I went in to labour the night before. Went to hospital, hung about for an hour then moved to delivery suite. My notes had a big sticker on to say high priority for anaesthetist, so he was alerted, but midwives checked and he was dealing with an emergency.

I found labour incredibly intense, and frankly terrifying. I blame myself in part - I was fixated on him being induced, like DD, and hadn't looked at anything about spontaneous labour. I think the midwife figured I had had one baby, so knew what was happening. But I felt completely lost and powerless. And in so, so much pain, with very short breaks between contractions.

After three hours I felt I was going mad. I begged DP and the midwife to help, but they just told me I was "doing well". The midwife made no suggestions at all, not to get off the bed, change position, anything like that. I was frightened, and yes, angry. I didn't shout at anyone, I do remember the midwife stepping out for some reason and saying to DP it wouldn't make much difference as she wasn't helping much anyway.

But the "coping" comments were what upset me. It trivialised how I felt. I wasn't coping. I really wasn't. i had no control, I couldn't do anything. And I pretty much would have done anything to make it stop. I felt like their comments refused to recognise that I wasn't coping. I wasn't ok.

In the end I had an epidural. As soon as the man arrived I felt I could cope, I knew what was happening, and the pain would be over soon. And it was. After that, I was calm, I was happy. DS arrived a few hours later, there was a minor tear (midwife did tell me if I had "pushed properly" I wouldn't have torn ).

So, I recently said to DP that if I had that experience with DC1, she would have been an only child. He was shocked, said it "wasn't that bad", that I should have "just got on with it", and that I was really angry, which was embarrassing.

This has really upset me. It's shown that I was right that he didn't understand what I was going through. Or that, actually, a lot of women do get angry in labour, it's a way of coping with the pain. So, was I unreasonable to be angry in labour? Or should I have just got on with it and not embarressed him?

[Bearsinmotion]

BillBryson, yes, that is exactly what the midwives were like for DD! The last one insisted on staying until DD arrived, even though her shift should have finished an hour before!

[ridemesideways]

Shortages and not enough resources Beau. Some reduce that risk by booking private care...

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP this may sound weird but have you looked at hypnobirthing?

Might sound like that horse has bolted but I suggest it because I was VERY anxious before DD birth. I too had a fast, furious labour but I did cope well with it and in retrospect that was down to the fact that I'd used HB to cope with my anxiety beforehand .

I wonder if listening to a HB cd or recording might act like a debrief? The one I used, Maggie Howell? Howells? basically talked you through a birth and said how well you were doing. I wonder if revisiting it in your head like that might help, along the lines of "I was very scared and the care was shit but I birthed my baby anyhow" iyswim.

[Bearsinmotion]

Beaufort, I had a similar discussion with DP (who really isn't a twat normally!), that while i understand that the anaesthetist was dealing with an emergency, how come that happens on maternity wards, but never in A&E?

"So, it looks like as a result of the accident you've got some serious injuries. But we've already got someone in, so no pain relief for a few hours. Sorry about that!?"

[TrinityForce]

It takes hours to get seen in A&E though, in a lot of pain or not.

It sounds like an awful experience, made all the worse by things not going the way you'd planned. You expected A, B, C and got Z, Z, Z. It sounds rotten and hopefully talking about it helps you deal with what happened

[herethereandeverywhere]

Bears YANBU.

There are 2 things going on in your OP, firstly the weird 'embarrassed' feelings of your DP and secondly the trivialising and minimising of your birth experience, both at the time when you weren't listened to and afterwards when you were palmed off with the usual 'nobody died or was maimed so there is no problem'.

My horrendous 1st birth experience led me to campaigning hard for an ELCS for DD2 (was eventually successful). I too did not cope with the pain of labour (esp with no gaps between contractions). My not coping led to my repeatedly smacking myself on the head in an attempt to knock myself out before I was permitted an epidural before hitting the 3-4cm 'established labour' threshold. Before my ELCS was granted, I had started to plan where I was going to smuggle the stanley knife so when they pain got like last time I could slash my wrists if refused pain relief. I'm sharing this because I know that the trauma of pain and the birth experience can profoundly affect your mind; regardless of whether the end result is a healthy baby and living mother.

Your husband needs to know his views are unacceptable. And I think your plan to pursue the CBT again is a good one.

[ToadsforJustice]

I sometimes think there is nothing worse than people minimising women's pain and experiences. "You are coping well", "stop making a fuss, women give birth all the time" and my particular favourite - " you should be grateful you've got a healthy baby" to a woman that has clearly suffered trauma and is hanging on to her sanity by a thread.

You have every right to be angry OP.

[m0therofdragons]

In labour I told dh to fuck off (I never swear) and when the mw asked if I wanted to push (10 minutes after she'd told me to toughen up as I was barely in labour blah blah blah and dh asked for a second opinion. Registra came in and it turned out I was 10cm having been refused any pain relief) and I told the mw that yes I did want to push. ... her out of the window! Doctor yelled at her and I got a new mw for the last bit.
The worst part for me was psychological -being told to toughen up and feeling like a failure when I wasn't at all.
Your experience and your dh's will be different but your dh is being a twunt. Mine sat with me before conceiving dc2 and we put my fears to a consultant who agreed to a cs on the nhs due to my poor care with dd1. I really didn't feel I could get pg unless I had that in writing. The key was that dh helped fight my corner. That's how it should be.
If your dh didn't think it was that bad, well good for him. But he wasn't the one in pain and your experience is just as valid.

[perfumedlife]

OP there is nothing worse than having your reality denied and that's what this midwife did by dismissing your fear as 'coping'. So you were definitely let down there and the double whammy is your DH expressing his opinion that you were embarrassing. I'd be livid. It's your feelings and opinions on the whole birth experience that count, no one else can feel what you feel and to disregard it is beyond rude and hurtful. YADNBU

[BeaufortBelle]

ridemesifewsys perhaps I can complete the sentence for you. Shortages, resources and ONLY WOMEN give birth.

[BillSykesDog]

Hmm. I'm kind of on the fence with this one. The anesthetist was with an emergency. I had an emergency c section and I was the anesthetist' priority as without fast action both of us would have died. As unpleasant as not coping and pain are, they MUST take second place to life threatening emergencies.

I'm really sorry you had a bad experience. But it sounds like the only thing you wanted and the only thing that could have helped you was the anesthetist and not much anybody else did could have helped you. And upsetting though your experience was it's better that someone went through that than a mother/baby died. Although I can understand in the middle of labour it wouldn't be easy to rationalise that I think now you should bear that in mind.

That said, your husband should understand that they were extreme circumstances and not something anybody should be embarrassed about. I doubt the midwives were bothered, I'm sure they've seen it all before.

[slithytove]

I got to a point in my third labour where I couldn't cope any more and it was unbearable and I thought I was losing myself, my mind, my baby.

When the midwife insisted that yes I was coping, in fact I was doing great, I just had to keep going - it helped me go through it. Realising that it was normal even though it felt so abnormal.

So maybe that's all she was trying to do? Rather than not listen to you or not respecting you?

I agree it's worth a debrief, and your partner was definitely out of order.

[slithytove]

And from what I've been told, when someone has a very fixed idea of how a birth will go and then it doesn't - this can trigger pnd and ptsd. So some postnatal support and counselling could also help.

[shinynewusername]

I think it's hard to know in retrospect what the mw meant. She may have been trying to reassure you or she may have been being dismissive. What I do know is that absolutely nothing you said or did will have surprised the delivery team. I used to attend a lot of deliveries as an intensive care doctor. We lurk at the back, waiting for the baby to appear, but even so, I've been sworn at, (accidentally) punched & kicked and had women say bizarre, hilarious or abusive things. It's all part of being in labour and no one takes it personally. Your DH is arse for making you feel embarrassed

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I totally understand Op, and I know how hard it is to get over too.
DC3 was induced, my first was a botched induction which took 4 days so I was dreading it already, but DC2 was a totally 'normal' delivery so I knew what labour a couple of labours felt like. DC3 took 40 minutes start to finish and it was hell, I honestly thought I was going to die. It didn't feel like labour - I felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach, it was awful.

Pathetic midwives stood around chatting and telling me to calm down whilst I was insisting something was wrong and that baby was about to be born. Mt ranting and raving as they called it alerted a passing consultant who came in, check me, (none of the midwives had bothered, just kept glancing over telling me I had hours to go yet and to calm down!) realised DS's head was about to be born and delivered him straight away.... followed by buckets of blood and my heart stopping and needing resus for me! apparently the that was the stabbing plain I had been ranting and raving about! Useless fuckers could have killed me and I just needed to calm down!

Luckily DH was totally on my side throughout and its been hard for him to get over too. If he had said what yours did I would be reconsidering my marriage tbh.

[Pythonesque]

I agree about you needing a proper debrief. I think many (? most? some? don't know!) hospitals have a "Birth Afterthoughts" service or something similar that is designed exactly for your type of situation. You should be able to phone the hospital and find out how to get an appointment with it. Up to you if you think it is something you need to do on your own or better to take your husband too; perhaps check if you can have more than one session and you could then bring him along for one.

Hope you can get something to help work through all the unresolved emotions that are understandably tied up with your memories of what has happened.

[Bearsinmotion]

But it sounds like the only thing you wanted and the only thing that could have helped you was the anesthetist and not much anybody else did could have helped you.

Just had another thought on this. I do understand there was another higher priority than me (although do wonder why there is only one person available in hospital that size!).

But re "the only thing that would have helped you was the anaesthetist", I actually don't know if this is true. What else could I have done, that was the only thing I knew? That's what I meant about changing position. Would that have helped? I don't know. Fuck, it was 4 years since NCT, I had no idea how I was supposed to breathe. Didn't need it in labour with DD, just when she crowned and the midwives told me what to do. What other pain relief options are there? I don't know. Had gas and air, made me sick. Nothing else was offered.