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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to loathe the phrase "You have too much time on your hands."?

104 replies

CherryBlossom321 · 08/01/2016 18:21

I've been on the receiving end of this insult a few times recently and I find it really rude.

I have the same 24 hours of time on my hands as everybody else. If I happen to manage it well, enjoy being creative, and prioritize what is best for my family and myself, it doesn't mean I somehow managed to pluck more hours out of thin air than anybody else. I'm organised, not privileged with extra time.

Like many other parents, I have 2 energetic children (1 not yet at school), run the household (all house work, budget, anything organisational) due to DH's long hours and erratic shifts (he's great when he's home), and volunteer for several organisations. And yet, if I share with people anything I've enjoyed on the creative or self care front, I'm told I "have too much time on my hands".

My feeling is that it's a statement designed to shame and ridicule people but I cannot fathom the motive. It's on a similar level to the old classic, "I'm not being funny/racist/mean but..." and proceed to be just that. Just without the disclaimer. It's usually excused with "I'm only teasing/ winky face/ I didn't mean anything by it." Erm, well, perhaps say what you mean and mean what you say then.

Does anyone else have experience of this and how do you respond? In reply to the most recent, I just said, "I was probably working on that whilst you were doing your [insert crafting hobby]."

AIBU?

OP posts:
Boutonneux · 08/01/2016 21:37

I think it can depend on who is saying it too.

If a good friend said it after I had shown her my newly organised colour co-ordinated nail polish collection I would know she was only teasing.

However, I have a family member who says this to me regularly over all sorts of stupid things and I know with him it's a definite dig, as in he works SO much harder and longer hours than me so has much less time for such silly activities. But then he does have other hobbies which I know take up a lot of his time so clearly he does have some spare time after all.

m0therofdragons · 08/01/2016 21:39

I assumed everyone did their budgets on a spreadsheet Blush [misses point completely] I don't think I've ever discussed it but just thought that's what we all did. Baking is my relaxation - love it. I've never had that comment but I was told I made another mum feel crap because I'd baked for school cake sale when I had 4 yo dd and 1 yo dtds. I like baking but ended up feeling guilty Confused

Ellybellyboo · 08/01/2016 21:44

Yes, definitely depends who is saying it.

I have 4 light switches in my hall and hate it if they don't all line up properly when I go to bed so will fart about flicking switches until they're all facing the same way. Yes, I clearly do have too much time on my hands Grin and I get a lot of ribbing over it, but it's only teasing.

But sometimes, it's clearly a put down. It's a sneery dig.

I don't bang on about it, people ask me, or come round and see stuff I've made/am making

Polyannatunnel · 08/01/2016 21:44

I always get 'it's ok for you, you don't have children'. I suppose they're right but I can't have children Sad

perrita · 08/01/2016 21:47

I think there are two distinct types of people on this thread - people who get things like this said to them and people who don't. YANBU, OP. I get it fairly often and I hate it. Think it's really rude and said by people who are envious or self conscious of what they don't do.

Original poster
CherryBlossom321 · 08/01/2016 21:47

Funny you should say that m0ther, when the conversation was had that involved the spreadsheet, a number of people said they didn't have a budget! Which made me twitch a little.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 08/01/2016 22:05

I'll admit that my budget is set for main stuff but then there's an element of fluidity. 2 years ago dc were younger and money was less available and the budget was fairly strict but now it is less so. Luckily I can afford to run things like this but I'm in a position that I can get stricter in an instant if needed. I'm always puzzled when people say they have no savings. I don't think I truly believed them until a df needed a new boiler and said she didn't have 4k so was borrowing from her dm. This woman goes on 3 holidays a year and saves to spend as soon as she can. Made me realise people are very different.

Boutonneux · 08/01/2016 22:05

Polyannatunnel that's horrible Sad

fiverabbits · 08/01/2016 22:22

When my second DC started school another mother said to me What are you going to do all day now the children are in school. Quite a lot actually including the 3 hours it took to walk to the school and back. Housework, cooking, shopping, gardening, decorating and part time jobs filled the rest of the day. Fast forward 30 years and 2 grown up children at home I am now officially retired. The other day when I wasn't doing anything my DH thought I had had a stroke ( I hadn't ) as he said he had never seen me doing nothing in the 46 years we have known each other. I have never ever said I am bored I have nothing to do. Some people spend all day doing nothing, each to their own I say.

tootsietoo · 08/01/2016 22:28

I tend to think this about people who stir or who make a big faff about small things. Eg a couple of mums at school a few years ago who caused lots of bitchiness. I just thought they had too much time on their hands and needed a job to occupy their brains! Or someone who sends 5 texts and a few calls to organise an after school play. Doesn't sound like these apply to your situation but that what I apply the phrase to ( although wouldn't say it to people's faces in these circs!)

futureme · 08/01/2016 22:30

fiverabbits - I'm curious what people with kids at school do all day - simply as that might be me in september. I'm sure I can find things to do but I don't think that I need to be home - plenty of mums work after all. I suspect people are just curious how you are spending your new childfree leisure time!

m0therofdragons · 08/01/2016 22:56

Everyone is different futureme. My dc all went to school in September and I had every Wednesday at home. Felt a bit lost. Did a bit of house work type stuff and met friends for coffee but I can't imagine that every day. I don't think I'm disciplined enough.I'm upping my hours to fill every school day. But that is just me.

FlatOnTheHill · 08/01/2016 23:17

Agree with Hedgehog and Woollytights
And yes you do have more hours than anyone else to pluck out of thin air by the sound of it.
I work full time and have to fit in what you do all day into a couple of hours in my evenings.

Not craft though....more cooking, housework, general clearing up etc etc

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/01/2016 23:17

They are just jealous

FlatOnTheHill · 08/01/2016 23:25

They are jealous. Ignore them.

knobblyknee · 08/01/2016 23:29

I make my own wine. I happen to be very good at it. I also knit, crochet, sew, make my own bread, cook from scratch, garden and read. So yes I hear that a lot.

*slurps Wine

FlatOnTheHill · 08/01/2016 23:31

Knobbly
I thought you said make your own bed Grin then Re-read and you make your own bread. WineGrin

HoneyDragon · 08/01/2016 23:40

I get those comments from a couple of people because I volunteer at school .... Without committed volunteers than their precious little darlings wouldn't go to swimming lessons, out on trips, do their reading or have project days.

I never justify myself.I don't need to, I also don't give a shit which helps Grin

knobblyknee · 08/01/2016 23:47

FlatOnTheHill

Itsh eashily done. Wine

I just made Lychee and Lemon wine and honestly, you'd think I killed a puppy. Some people think its a waste of lychee juice.
I pointed out, the supermarket does have more. I didnt buy the last ever carton.

chrome100 · 09/01/2016 07:06

Well, to be fair you don't have the obligation of a job so to do have more time to spend as you choose. It's a fact, not a criticism.

DyslexicScientist · 09/01/2016 07:30

Yanbu but my parents have too much time on their hands and go on about insignificant shit like its important.

EstrellaCircusGirl · 09/01/2016 07:31

It's a phrase I've found myself both giving and receiving, and agree, it tends to be used when you can't see the point of that use of that particular use of time. 9 times out of 10 it's used in a jocular way, but all comes down to personal preferences.

I have an ironing pile the size of a small island. I iron things when they need wearing, if they need ironing. Ironing in advance is a waste of time as they only get creased again when put away. So I'm certainly not going to be found ironing my undies!

However, this lack of ironing buys me time to complete a degree part time on top of work and family. I've received comments in return that I must have "too much time in my hands" to do that. No, I've just got different priorities to that person.

The world's not going to end whichever way we choose to go about things. As long as you're happy that you're making time for the right things in your life, ignore, ignore and ignore again.

Bellyrub1980 · 09/01/2016 07:46

They're jealous.

I wish I was more organised. I know I have time to do nice things (only work 3 days a week and only have 1 child) but my daughter doesn't allow me to do anything that doesn't involve being with her.

Genuinely, how do you get your children to allow you to do things?? I've tried occupying her with various toys and activities which she loves, but only if im there with her!!!

I tried colouring with her recently, me doing an 'adult' colouring book (as in intricate, not porn) (not sure porn colouring books exist, if not, there's a niche market to be cashed in on) but she started screaming and swallowed a rather large chunk of crayon.

SitsOnFence · 09/01/2016 08:43

I agree that it's all in the context.

However, those saying it's a simple statment of fact are a little off the mark. "You have a lot of time on your hands" is factual, "you have too much time on your hands" is a negative statement implying that whatever you've spent that time on is either pointless or wasted.

OP, I think, like you, I might be over sensitive to the phrase as it's been used as an insult in the past and now I find it hard to take it in the lighthearted way it's probably intended.

Original poster
CherryBlossom321 · 09/01/2016 08:52

Glad it's not just me Sits Smile

OP posts:
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