Sleepover with new friend

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

My 11 year old DD has been at secondary school since September and has made some new friends, she has been to their houses after school a couple fo times but now one of the girls has invited her and 2 others for a sleepover.

I initially said yes, she could go but after speaking to my husband he is unsure whether to let her go or not. He says we don't know the family, whcih is true, I have only met her mum once and has never seen any of them. So he says it effectively letting her go to stay with strangers.

the thing is that DD has already told her friend she is going so will be devasted if we say no now.

I am torn, I can see both sides and I am not really sure what to do.

Should I say she can't go or try to talk DH round. It took him ages to let her sleep over at her old friends house so I'm not sure whether he will agree or not.

Any advice please?

[gabsdot45]

Bertandrussell, what do you mean, kids don't sleep at secondary school?

[LilaTheTiger]

My oldest DD is 14, she still has the rule that she doesn't sleep over unless I have the name, address and phone no of the parent, and I've spoken to them.

The one time I had to call out of the blue the mum was really pleased and relieved I had, as she often felt embarrassed to, and later commented to DD how lucky she was to have a sensible caring mum.

So I don't care about it any more, no matter what DD say (Oh god mum, you're so embarrassing, usually), that's my job

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Chrome exactly. I think some people think weirdos have some kind of "giveaway" personality or something. Plenty of pedophiles and nasty people come across as perfectly lovely in general.

[BertrandRussell]

"
Bertandrussell, what do you mean, kids don't sleep at secondary school?"

How are you going to get to know the parents?

[bigbadbarry]

We've just been through the same with DD in Y7. I went in with her when I dropped her off, just to introduce myself and make sure we had swapped numbers even though DD had her phone with her. I think you just have to go along with it - there isn't suddenly going to be an age where you think yeah sod it she can sleep anywhere, is there? Presumably she's getting herself to and from school, interacting with strangers in shops and what have you. I just made sure she knew that she could ring me at any time if she wanted to leave.

[wickedwaterwitch]

It isn't impossible to get to know parents at secondary school - I know quite a lot of them for my children.

Various reasons: when they've have invited someone here or been invited to someone's house the other parents and I have texted each other or phoned to confirm arrangements and often ended up chatting.

Also, parties - I've had some nice conversations at the beginning and end of children's parties and have got to know parents that way and I generally ask parents if they'd like a cup of tea or glass of wine when they're picking up at ours. Ditto when they've come round for tea or I've collected after a rugby match. Facebook is good for this too.

Our school also does coffee mornings sometimes so parents meet each other, although I haven't been to one yet this term.

Op I agree that she should go! But I do understand why you'd question it, that's fair enough. Good luck, I hope she has a lovely time.

[ClashCityRocker]

What are you expecting these parents to confess to over a cup of tea?

'Oh yes, we're looking forward to your dd staying...it'll occupy our dc whilst we get on with our cocaine-fuelled orgy.'

I mean, a phonecall to check the arrangements, introduce yourself etc and knowing the address is good common sense, but beyond that just seems a bit ott.

[MyballsareSandy2015]

As I said earlier in the thread, this is difficult but you must let her do it. My DDs are 14 and the only time I've refused to let them stay somewhere new was when we turned up outside this house with boarded up windows, a massive Rottweiler in the filthy front garden, and a couple of older teens having a screaming sweaty row on the doorstep. It was like something out of shameless. thankfully DD was equally horrified and we drove off. She said the girl was lovely though so I did feel sorry for her, as most parents wouldn't be happy and it must really affect her.

[MyballsareSandy2015]

Sweary rather than sweaty but they may have been!

[Valmur]

The level of hostility that has been directed to the OP's DH on this thread is breathtaking. He has raised a concern (albeit that probably reflects inexperience) not tried to 'over rule' others or act as a control freak.

I agree (with the benefit of no experience whatsoever!) that his concerns are probably wrong but there's no need to flame him for them.

[Havingafieldday]

At secondary you have to go with it. If I've no reason to think the child is anything other than perfectly nice then I raise no objections. As it happens I have actually got to know a few of the parents but generally I Facebook to check it's ok with them, make sure the parents will actually be home or that there will be a babysitter / aupair and I go to the door when dropping and picking up. That's all I can do at secondary

[scarlets]

The leap fromY6 to Y7 is massive, isn't it.

I get the number and email address of one of the parents and confirm that DC has indeed been invited (!) and then I let them get on with it.

I'd be wary of mentioning smoke detectors etc because your daughter will be ridiculed if it gets around the school. I know what you mean though, you're not a loon. You've just gotta trust folk. The vast majority of them are decent and careful.

[Narp]

I sent mine to Secondary so I don't have to get to know any other parents

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

A quick phone call to mum to check if any bedding or pillows are needed, hello on drop off pausing to check what time to pick up and Bob's your uncle. You can get a feel for where she's staying without being embarrassing.

But B race yourself, they grow up very quickly in secondary - she'll be going to town with friends on public transport soon and before you know it to parties without parental supervision. Unless there's a specific reason not to you need to let your DD start to make judgements for herself, hard as it may be.

[Sparklingbrook]

I usually get the number of the parent and send a text to check they are really invited and ask what to bring.
I don't hang about while dropping off unless parent comes out to the car, maybe text when i get home saying let me know when to pick him up.

The great thing about High School is not having to get all involved with your DCs friends' parents.

[duckduckquack]

I'm obviously in a different country to all of you because 11 is not secondary school age where I live. What you're all suggesting is that you would let your 11 year old DD come and stay at my house once we had exchanged a text back and forth. None of you know me, you dont know what my home is like, who lives here etc.. And 11 is not old enough to judge a weird vibe from a visiting uncle or note that the grandad who lives there is drunk and smoking inside etc. of course 99.9% of people are totally normal and I'm thinking worst case scenario. So go, anyone want their kid to come to my house for a sleepover? I'll text you!

[BertrandRussell]

"So go, anyone want their kid to come to my house for a sleepover? I'll text you!"

If my dc liked your dc then yes, of course I would.

[bigbadbarry]

So, duckduckquack, at what age are your children magically old enough to go to sleepovers? And let's not all pretend that dodgy uncles and grandads are only active overnight - does that mean no unsupervised play dates until this special age also?

[Lurkedforever1]

duckduck same as bertram. I'd be more concerned if age 11 dd couldn't spot grandad was smoking inside and too drunk to be around kids. As for uncle weirdo, because my childs safety is important we discuss these things. As it's not just uncle weirdo that might be a potential threat, it could be best mate of a decades dad, pervert high school teacher etc. And getting to know you over however many years doesn't guarantee any safety, rather the opposite, a false sense of security.

[duckduckquack]

There is no magic age and you know, sleepovers are not an essential part of growing up! Five is old enough for a sleepover if you know the family, 15 is still not old enough if you don't know them. Why force your kid into a situation that may turn out scary and shit for them, as a parent it's your job to keep them safe and in my opinion packing your 11 year old off to a strangers house who you have 'texted' lest she be embarrassed is not keeping them safe. And I'm not just taking about physical safety, emotional safety too. Fair enough I made myself sound like a Victorian lady with the 'cup of tea' terms but you know what I mean, the mum should be my pal in so far as I know her last name, how many other kids she has, whether or not the kids will be up till 3am watching stuff they shouldn't be etc etc. also fair enough that weirdos don't make themselves known over a cup of tea but if you've been into the house, chatted to the mum etc surely you get a vibe of whether or not that's somewhere you're happy to leave your child. That shouldn't be an 11 year olds responsibility.

[duckduckquack]

Send your DD off with strangers so lurked, good idea to use her as a guinea pig to test your hypothesis.

[Sparklingbrook]

Sleepovers are not essential, but so much fun. I don't feel the need to do a home visit prior to my DCs arrival.

They can text me any time they want if they want to come home and I'll pick them up.

[maybebabybee]

You are way OTT duck. My best friend's parents were a bit like you when we were growing up and she just used to do everything behind their back. She got up to way worse stuff than I did actually!

My mum was protective but not over protective. Statistically your child is most likely to be abused by their father or another member of their family.

[Lurkedforever1]

duckduck have thanks, it's not a hypothesis. You carry on with the ott protection and lack of life skills.

[hookiewookie29]

I hate sleepovers-I'll only let DD go to stay at houses of friends that she's known for a while, and who's parents I know. In my opinion, you are essentially letting your kids stay with stranger but that's just how I feel (although I'm sure I'll get slated for it).
Due to her lack of attendance at sleepovers, DD has NOT lost any friends, been alienated by the other girls that did go, or been mentally scarred.She still spends plenty of time with her friends and she's not the only one who doesn't go. I am also NOT a wicked mother who won't cut the apron strings-DD has lots of independance and is very sociable and really isn't bothered if she doesn't go to a sleepover.