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AIBU?

Sleepover with new friend

102 replies

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 08/01/2016 10:07

My 11 year old DD has been at secondary school since September and has made some new friends, she has been to their houses after school a couple fo times but now one of the girls has invited her and 2 others for a sleepover.

I initially said yes, she could go but after speaking to my husband he is unsure whether to let her go or not. He says we don't know the family, whcih is true, I have only met her mum once and has never seen any of them. So he says it effectively letting her go to stay with strangers.

the thing is that DD has already told her friend she is going so will be devasted if we say no now.

I am torn, I can see both sides and I am not really sure what to do.

Should I say she can't go or try to talk DH round. It took him ages to let her sleep over at her old friends house so I'm not sure whether he will agree or not.

Any advice please?

OP posts:

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TamaraLamara · 08/01/2016 13:07

He isn't controlling, he is just a bit overprotective of his little girl. He isn't over ruling me, we had a talk and didn't quite agree. We haven't made a decision yet but whatever we decide we need to agree

It's a shame that you felt that you had to spell this out, OP. I'll never understand why some posters cannot allude to their differing opinion without being insulting or judgemental.

HermioneJeanGranger · 08/01/2016 13:18

You've already told her she can go - you can't change your minds now, it's not fair on your DD. Just ring the mum and double check the details and arrange a time to drop her off :)

Hihohoho1 · 08/01/2016 15:36

Sorry if I came across as rude op.

Of course it's quite right to be mindful but honestly the thought of your dd telling her friends she could go and then being stopped will honestly cause her all sorts of problems.

Firstly she will be seen as having the strictest parents 'in the world' and potentially you could alienate other parents who see their dd as not good enough to be friends with your dd. it happens honestly.

You are potentially setting her up for being seperate from the pack just when it's vital to her to be accepted and befriended.

If I was rude it's because I really don't want your dd to go through what I have seen so many other kids go through. I have had 4 teens and kids are labelled early on at secondary school.

She may be seen as a snob/mummies girl etc. I tell you it happens.

And please please don't anybody ask about smoke alarms on a sleepover. Just don't.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 09/01/2016 05:48

Well "his little girl" is also yours so you're doing the right thing in ensuring she is armed by experience.

dogvcatcat · 09/01/2016 06:09

Would he feel the same way if you had a DS then?

duckduckquack · 09/01/2016 06:29

You're all mental!! Do you really just let your kids go stay with people you don't know? I'd want to be on cup of tea terms with the mother before I'd let my DD stay there. 11 is still a child and not fair to rely on her to spot potential dangerous.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 09/01/2016 07:59

Duck how old are your children?

HermioneJeanGranger · 09/01/2016 08:04

Duck, I take it you don't have secondary age children?

Narp · 09/01/2016 08:07

If you've spoken to the mother, and your DD has a phone, then you have to (should) let her go. Your DH is over-protective but I appreciate it's new territory

Narp · 09/01/2016 08:10

If I thought my DSs wren't capable of making judgments about their own safety and contact me then I wouldn't let them go. But then I would think I hadn't done my job correctly in preparing home for independence.

Narp · 09/01/2016 08:10

.. preparing them for independence (not 'home')

Lurkedforever1 · 09/01/2016 08:12

Got it in one duck, and because I parent in an age appropriate way, I have a dd who is sensible and can make sensible judgments. And because she knows I only say no to things for a good reason, there's not any resentment, nor am I laying the groundwork for an older teen who'll want to go behind my back to have a social life.

What do you suggest, waiting till 18 and suddenly expecting them to be a responsible adult?

SevenOfNineTrue · 09/01/2016 08:24

We haven't made a decision yet

Yes you have, you've told her she can go. You should not back out now as there will be repercussions on your DD from the friend and possibly her family.

BertrandRussell · 09/01/2016 09:17

"He isn't controlling, he is just a bit overprotective of his little girl. He isn't over ruling me, we had a talk and didn't quite agree. We haven't made a decision yet but whatever we decide we need to agree."

Well, he sort of is overruling you- you said she could go and are now saying that you haven't decided. That sounds a bit like over ruling to me- particularly as he is, in your words "over protective"

What happens if you can't agree? It sounds as if he gets to decide......

YellowBellyBear · 09/01/2016 09:25

You're all mental!! Do you really just let your kids go stay with people you don't know? I'd want to be on cup of tea terms with the mother before I'd let my DD stay there.

I've had 11 year olds sleepover at mine. I didn't know some of the parents at all, now probably know most to say "Hi" to (post sleepover). However, I've never had coffee with any of them. Don't want to, don't have time to. So, I guess if your DC was a friend of my DC, they would never be allowed to sleepover!

PUGaLUGS · 09/01/2016 09:30

Wait till they go to uni and live away from home...now that is a different ball game

Let her go OP. She will have a whale of a time.

ChubbyPolecat · 09/01/2016 09:31

My parents were never on cup of tea terms with my friends parents I still went on sleepovers and nothing ever happened. You got to loosen the apron strings at some point

mommy2ash · 09/01/2016 09:35

As they get older you will have less and less to do with their friends parents. I would need to speak to the mum to confirm but I would let her go

BertrandRussell · 09/01/2016 09:49

How on earth do you get on "cup of tea" terms with parents at Secondary school that you weren't at Primary school?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 09/01/2016 09:49

By the time your DC get to secondary age, it's a good idea to have armed them with the confidence to recognise and get out of any situation which might be uncomfortable or dangerous.

At 11 they SHOULD be going to school under their own steam, visiting shops alone and so forth.

On trips like those they're meeting the general public! They're far scarier than most parents of their mates!

gabsdot45 · 09/01/2016 10:20

I'm with your husband on this one. I would never let my kids sleep over in a house with adults I don't know.
Your options are
A say no
B get to know the parents

dogvcatcat · 09/01/2016 10:35

Surely even if you get to know the parents there's no guarantee they aren't alcoholics or child molesters or whatever

We mollycoddle our children to a ridiculous degree now.

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BertrandRussell · 09/01/2016 10:37

"I'm with your husband on this one. I would never let my kids sleep over in a house with adults I don't know. "

How will you manage in secondary school?

chrome100 · 09/01/2016 10:49

Even if someone was a raging paedo, they are hardly going to reveal it over a cup of tea. You do have to take risks sometimes, and the chance of your children's friends' parents being harmful is minimal. 11 is not a baby.

dogvcatcat · 09/01/2016 10:51

Filled with horror tbh at the idea of having to have tea with a load of random friend's parents

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