Sleepover with new friend

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

My 11 year old DD has been at secondary school since September and has made some new friends, she has been to their houses after school a couple fo times but now one of the girls has invited her and 2 others for a sleepover.

I initially said yes, she could go but after speaking to my husband he is unsure whether to let her go or not. He says we don't know the family, whcih is true, I have only met her mum once and has never seen any of them. So he says it effectively letting her go to stay with strangers.

the thing is that DD has already told her friend she is going so will be devasted if we say no now.

I am torn, I can see both sides and I am not really sure what to do.

Should I say she can't go or try to talk DH round. It took him ages to let her sleep over at her old friends house so I'm not sure whether he will agree or not.

Any advice please?

[Eastpoint]

I think I probably checked more when DD was 14-16, I wanted to make sure she was where she said she was going to be. I know that dcs with strict parents say they are going to a strict family overnight & then go to someone else's if they want to get drunk.

[witsender]

I would want to know where my kids were staying overnight and who with, not to do so would be wierd to me.

[GruntledOne]

Why do so many people seem to think OP wants to check for smoke detectors? She never mentioned it.

[Mumfortoddler]

Checking for smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors? Yes you do sound like a loon! Ha ha. Relax. Your child has more chance of a plane crashing into the house then getting carbon monoxide poisoning. Will you check flight paths too?

[timelytess]

My mother's rule was 'no sleepovers'. She'd been abused as a child.

[Baconyum]

3rd sentence should read she never HAS been to a sleepover where I don't know the family.

[Baconyum]

My dd has been going to and having sleepovers since age of 8 when she also had her own mobile phone (cheap old one of mine for when she was at her dads).

I'm a survivor of CSA and have worked in cp. But she had never been to a sleepover where I don't know the family (well enough to feel comgortable to ask about the arrangements, know if theres addiction or dv issues but must admit im fairly confident i could spot such issues) including the child she's friends with. There's never been a problem, she's never lost friends as a result and in my experience other parents have taken the same approach. I've raised dd with knowledge of bodily autonomy and a sense that if she felt at all uncomfortable or unsafe she would contact me immediately.

She's a confident, well liked girl with a number of good friends. There's now at 15 a crowd she hangs out with and they regularly sleep over at each others houses.

I've occasionally said no when I have known there is an issue at the home she wants to sleepover at. We live in a small town and its generally a case of everyone knows everyone business - pros and cons to that. Eg one mum I knew had a serious drug habit and it was an absolute no.

She is very independant and has all the life skills a child her age should have and then some. Our private joke is I could leave her in the house alone for a week with housekeeping money and not only would she cope I'd come home to a sparkling house, she'd have eaten well all week and she'd have improved my budget!

I absolutely would not have her go on a sleepover at a home I've never visited with parents I've never met and frankly think that would be irresponsible.

[Rusty06]

Sorry I think it's a totally reasonable issue to consider carefully I work in child protection services and unfortunately children being exposed to inappropriateness isn't as rare as people think. I think as some have suggested its a must to meet chat to the parent. I would want to know who else would be in the house etc older siblings other relatives but main thing is ensuring your child knows what to do or how to contact you if they dont feel comfortable.

[BertrandRussell]

"If she knew he was overprotective then yes! If your OH made a decision where your child was away for the night and you didn't agree would you expect him to just ignore it and have you anxiously sitting there on it?!

Let me guess... Yes?! You keep telling yourself that."

If my oh made a decision like that I would trust him to have thought about it and decided on what he thought the best thing to do was. I would not over rule him. And yes, I might sit there anxiously- but I would not expect hi to pander to my over protectiveness.

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

And I didn't say every single decision, it's not like deciding on dinner!

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

If she knew he was overprotective then yes! If your OH made a decision where your child was away for the night and you didn't agree would you expect him to just ignore it and have you anxiously sitting there on it?!

Let me guess... Yes?! You keep telling yourself that.

[BertrandRussell]

"Yes but she should have discussed it wih her partner first before the decision was made"

Really? Every single decision? How does that work? I think that partners should trust each other to make decisions on their own.

[Marty85]

I've just gone through this and it is really difficult. My DD would come home with invites for tea and sleepovers but half the time couldn't even tell me where they lived and none of them could organise anything to save their lives. In the end I insisted on parents contact details and texted to confirm everything. Her new friends have all turned out to be lovely and their parents just as keen as me to be able to text each other. You do need to let them go but they are only 11. When she was 10 she was invited to sleepover by a girl I didnt know and I rang to 'interview' them, including checking what kind of dog they had. Still cringe thinking about it, thankfully the mum did understand!

[gotthearse]

"Knowing" them won't stop them being a nonce if that is your greatest fear. Statistically children are at greatest risk from the people closest to them. Fact.

[jollyfrenchy]

dogvcatcat and chrome100 got it in one. The tiny proportion of the general public who are child abusers or similar don't wear a badge saying so, they look like normal people. It's just as likely that the mum you've had coffee with a few times , or even your best friend is married to a psychopath/paedophile as the new parent you haven't met yet.

I can appreciate it's a bit scary letting them go with people they don't know but I think it's definitely true that you have to do it, but talk to them about what to do if something's not right. This should be true even with sleepovers at primary level with school friends. You don't know everything about anyone, especially not friends you've just made in the school playground.

[chelseabuns2013]

You are the adult she is the child, consider the long term welfare of your child.

I understand the world is a big, scary place full of bad things that could happen and you cannot protect them forever but I'm also prepared to be the bad guy in a situation I don't feel is right for my girls. Your question tells you everything you need to know about your instincts and this situation.

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

Yes but she should have discussed it wih her partner first before the decision was made. She hasn't told her daughter no yet so the decision has not been over-ruled but reconsidered.

If my OH made a decision that I didn't agree with I would expect for my views to at least be thought about especially over a matter such as safety.

[BertrandRussell]

" I don't think OP has been 'over-ruled', I think she has just taken her OH's concerns into consideration"

She made a decision. She has now gone back on that decision because someone else told her to. That sounds like over ruling to me!

[GruntledOne]

Filled with horror tbh at the idea of having to have tea with a load of random friends' parents

Me too!

When DS was at secondary we became something of a waifs and strays' shelter as various friends of his descended on us because their parents were arguing so much that they couldn't bear to stay at home, or because they'd had massive arguments with their parents - I got quite used to having to pick my way over a number of snoring bodies on the living room floor in the morning. Initially I used to be conscientious about phoning the parents to make sure they were OK with it but ultimately I gave up as, sadly, they tended to be pretty uninterested. I certainly wouldn't have been too keen on having them round for tea.

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

I don't think OP has been 'over-ruled', I think she has just taken her OH's concerns into consideration. What would have been better would be discussing things with him first before you give your answer.

My children are still toddlers but I will tell you that as a teenager I would have resented being told I could go and then that I couldnt. In the words of Kev the teenage it would have been so unfair!!

I think you should go with the flow this time and then in the future think of a strategy you are both comfortable with when it comes to these things.

The first time will always be hardest, your little girl is growing up but this kind of thing is normal and part of the transition. Maybe ask OH to drop her off so he can meet them himself?

X

[PuntCuffin]

Is this just a girl thing? And if so, why? Boys get abused too.

My DS is 10. I have both had his friends for sleepovers and sent him happily to his friends only meeting parents for the first time on the doorstep at drop and pick up for the last 18 months or so. I have never asked or been asked about CO detectors or smoke alarms, it never occurred to me to be so paranoid.

Maybe I am a slack parent. It's never concerned me.

[JustDanceAddict]

Of course she should go! I would probably text the parent to check all ok & see what she should take. I'd also take her to the door and 'check out' the parent. make sure she has a phone with her as well.

[FireCrotch]

I would never stop dd going. It hasn't come up yet as I know her friends parents. I was never allowed to sleep overs as a child (except the odd time they were pissing off on a boozy all nighter and needed shut of us) and I missed out on a lot.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

My DD also started secondary in September, and has new friends from all over. She has been to a sleepover with a new freind (and whats more with a friend who lives with her lone parent dad, shock horror) but I had met the dad twice - bumped into him at parents evening by chance and also sat in a cafe with him for 2 hours while the two girls ice skated (we live very rurally and its not worth going home and back, and nothing else open on a Sunday, so it just ended up we both sat and waited). I took DD to the sleepover (again due to where we live there wasn't really any way for her to get there herself anyway, school has massive rural catchment) and I went in with her - luckily the dad seemed to be expecting me to want to check the place out and spontaneously showed me around, she had her phone.

I wouldn't be that happy with her going to a sleepover if I'd never met the parents at all and never seen the house, at 11 I'd say yes but not accept any kind of lift sharing or her going straight there from school, I'd need to take her there and at least chat on the doorstep, and let her take her phone - or your phone if she doesn't have her own, and be sure she can use it if its yours).