To get frustrated that my friend doesn't seem to get that not everyone is well off like she is?

[MagazineAddict39]

I have known my friend since secondary school. She is fundamentally a nice person but, having married a rich man several years ago, she has become very judgemental about others and doesn't seem to get that not everyone is rich! She wasn't brought up in a poor household but they weren't wealthy either, just standard for the area in which we lived.

Obviously as she is married to a wealthy man she has a huge house with a pool, lots of luxurious holidays, a full time nanny, a personal trainer, lots of gorgeous clothes etc.

Which is great, but she is then very judgemental about those who don't have those things. For example the other day her Facebook status was along the lines of "Having children doesn't hold me back, I still travel, dress up, and do things that I want to do. No excuses for not doing these things". Well 1) she has the money for travel, and by travel she means 5 star hotels round the world, she can dress up and look great as she has posh clothes and expensive shoes and goes to a top hairdresser, plus she has the nanny full time so of course she can go off and do as she pleases.

She is also always doing statuses about how she would not wear cheap shoes, that kind of thing.

And now she is pregnant with baby #4, which as with her other 3 she is having at a private hospital. Brilliant, I don't blame her. However she is being extremely snooty about NHS hospitals saying she is glad she is having her baby at a nice place and that she would hate to be in an NHS hospital as they are full of germs and she'd have to share a bathroom with others. Which are fair points but it's not nice of her to repeatedly point these things out as obviously private antenatal and birth care is not accessible to many.

Like I said, she is a nice person, and I think she just lives in her own bubble, but I really do get frustrated about how she does not seems to think that everyone has the same circumstances as her.

[Nabootique]

Urgh. Money can't buy class. So tacky to go on bragging like she does. I'm reminded of the J Lo number "Jenny from the Block". Your friend should take heed!

[Badders123]

Ah, yes.
I've been called a prostitute on this forum for being a sahm.
Meh.
Says more about them than me tbh.
Tbh neither Dh or I get a good deal out of it....he isn't a super high earner so I don't get money and I'm so knackered he doesn't get sex :)

[MitzyLeFrouf]

I don't think old J-Lo gave the people on her block so much as the time of day once she'd made it!

[Badders123]

And, also, op, it must be clear to you by now that your friend is NOT "fundamentally nice"

[Nabootique]

I agree Mitzy, but the song is a lyrical lesson in how she should behave

[hmcReborn]

"Says more about them than me tbh" - absolutely Bladders!

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Ah yes I see Nabootique. J-Lo should be locked in a room with that song playing on loop!

[Nabootique]

Along with OP's friend.

[JoMackl]

OK - one last time then I'm out of this thread. Only ever intended to be a lurker at mumsnet in any case.

I don't think SAHMs are prostitutes. I'm really sorry I need to state that.

I do think heterosexual marriage is, from a feminist POV, problematic. However, of course, I have many heterosexual married friends and colleagues whom I respect. (Life and politics are complicated/ nuanced like that. One can critique an institution without disrespecting individual women who make what, in a patriarchy, are always limited/ imperfect/ constrained choices.)

When women are bragging about wealth they haven't personally earned either in order to make other, less economically fortunate, women feel bad about themselves or without realising that this is likely to be the effect, I think it's justified to be a bit harsh in addressing them.

[TeddTess]

if you like her, tell her

if you don't, block her

simple.

[reni2]

Oh, she does get that not everyone is rich. She wants you to seethe in resentment and jealousy. Drop her like a hot potato.

[TreesInSpace]

Lady doth protest too much. For a reason.


From what I've recently learnt on Facebook, it's the ones who shout loudest about how amazing their life is that are actually the most insecure about their life.
Perhaps she's having marriage problems and is terrified he'll leave her and she could 'end up' living a standard life like everyone else again, as she hasn't show ability to create this wealthy life for herself, she was bought and paid for by a man through marriage.

If she was once nice, take her along to some humbling circumstances. Walk her round an NHS cancer ward or take her to a soup kitchen. She can flinch all she likes, but if she was once nice, deep down she'll appreciate she should be more grateful.

Or just remind her that people spot new money fakers a mile off. If she wants to cultivate class and poise along with her money, tell her to keep it to herself.

[Badders123]

My sisters life must seem enviable to others.
Big house, new car, many holidays.
Sadly she is married to a pig and she is now realising it.
Please don't assume Facebook is in any way a real snapshot of someone's life.

[Badders123]

Jo...I agree.

[hmcReborn]

Thanks for that explanation JoMacki - I appreciate the clarification

[irretating]

Any TED talk fans here? Anyone see the one about the effect of wealth on behaviour? It was a while since I saw it but I recall one experiment involving the game Monopoly. One player was given twice as much money to start with, twice as much when they passed go and possibly had some other advantages that I can't remember. What the observers noted was that the person who had all the advantages almost always won and not just that but they felt entitled to win, they behaved in a more brash and arrogant way, and in some cases they actually believed they won through superior skill and not because the game was rigged in their favour.

There were other experiments which looked at the differences in social interactions between people with advantages compared to those who did not and a conclusion was arrived at that wealth makes people more entitled and less capable of compassion and empathy.

The Ted Talk is by Paul Piff - Does money make you mean?

[Postchildrenpregranny]

Have a friend-well the spouse of a long standing friend-whose father was a millionaire .Tbf they have also worked hard and made their own money . Generally they are nice and very generous people . But just occasionally one of them (in particular) will make a thoughtless comment , which shows a lack of self awareness that is breathtaking . I suspect most of their friends/social circle have much more money than we do, though we aren't poor .

[Want2bSupermum]

OP - I would ask your friend which charity she supports and ask her what she is organizing event wise to support this charity. That is what most people with a bit of money behind them do. We are unusual because we support without doing events. DH has secured free food for the kids afterschool program for 2016 in a very poor area by making calls to his contacts (he is in the food industry). It is a great way of networking and it has helped DH grow his business, further increasing his income.

Also, you might find your friend is lonely. Having a nanny sounds great but it means you have someone in your home all day long. She also has an expectation on her to keep her figure and always look good. That is an awful pressure to have when you are popping out babies. I am almost 7 months pregnant with baby #3 and there are only so many maxi dresses one can wear! My hair is dreadful right now as I don't want to dye it while pregnant and I don't have the patience to go to the hairdresser each week to get it blown out. 3 weeks after the due date for baby #3 DH has a spouse event in the Caribbean. I am expected to attend and it has been a huge challenge to organize it. My Dad is going to stay with the elder 2 DC and we are taking the baby with us. Baby needs their US passport which means I have to do the one week turn around service so I have already booked an appointment at the post office for the 5th day after my CS (if I have not delivered naturally before). I am planning to work until I am 39 weeks pregnant. High income can sound glamorous but the reality is often quite different. There is a lot of pressure on me as DH just doesn't have the time to get these things organized and sadly his assistant isn't able to do things like book passport appointments at the post office (although she does loads of other personal stuff for us which I am extremely thankful for).

Obviously none of the above paragraph gets posted on FB!

[Glitterbug25]

My ex best friend who I've known wince we were babies is also like this, except that she didn't marry into money, her parents are well off so she's grown up like this but seems to be getting worse!

She doesn't post things on Facebook but if I tell her that a mutual friend is going on holiday to Cornwall, she'll sneer and say that doesn't count as a holiday as you're not getting on a plane She doesn't shut up about money and how much she earns compared to other people. She even asked me outright how much my boyfriend earns and said she was hurt when I refused to tell her!

She had a hissy fit when I told her that I could no longer afford more than one holiday a year as I was moving in with my boyfriend and told me that I was a bad friend because she never stopped going on holiday with me when she got a boyfriend. Err maybe because you can afford 4/5 holidays a year and I can't??

Anyway, we don't speak half as much as used to and I can't say I'm that bothered.

[Glitterbug25]

Since not wince

[TrueBlueYorkshire]

How about judging her by what she posts on facebook you meet up for coffee and see what she is actually like.

[80schild]

Since when did being a SAH equate to being a prostitute? It finalises my theory that a woman's own worst enemy is another woman.

In relation to OP it sounds like what your friend needs is to be brought down a couple of pegs and I think there is no-one like a good friend to help do this.

Just to let you all know that DH and I are wealthy and neither of us would ever treat another person like this. It is vile.

[Badders123]

Weird.
I would never in a billion years ask anyone about how much they earned.
Firstly because I don't care amd secondly because it's vulgar and crass.

[Badders123]

80schild.
Yep :(
The wohm vs sahp threads on here are deeply sad and depressing reading.
Ditto ff vs bf.
whislt women tear into each other for their lifestyle choices the men are just...getting on with it and not giving a shit.

[SouthWestmom]

'Walk her round an NHS cancer ward' what weird parallel universe do you lot live in?

Are you actually saying she posts this or does she just share those stupid memes?