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AIBU?

Children (not) saying thankyou.

64 replies

ItIsHowItIsx · 31/12/2015 14:41

Yesterday we took ds's 10 y.o. friend with us swimming (spa pool so not cheap), we had dinner in the restaurant and he stayed the night. After breakfast this morning ds walked home with him. If I hadn't stopped him at the door he wouldn't even have said goodbye and I didn't once hear a thank you from him. Is this normal for 10 y.o. or bad manners? I make a point of talking to my kids about pleases and thankyous. Would be mortified if I found out they don't say thank you when they spend time with another family.

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usual · 31/12/2015 15:58

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TwentyOneGuns · 31/12/2015 16:02

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I'd say it was awkwardness rather than bad manners. DD had a friend over the other day and apparently I made him uncomfortable by calling out 'Bye X, see you again some time' when he left but if I hadn't I think he'd have just left without acknowledging that he'd been here all day and been fed and watered.

On the other hand most of her mates are much more polite but in a friendly, relaxed way and I trust that DD is the same. I do think it can be awkwardness in front of adults but also depends on what you've been taught - DD is quite shy and like a PP I've seen her say thank you to an adults do hardly be heard, even so I've always encouraged her to do so because it's just basic manners.

deadwitchproject · 31/12/2015 16:03

My nephew (15) and niece (12) have never said thank you for any gift I've ever bought them. When I finally raised it with their mum - not even waiting for a thank you, just an acknowledgement that the gift was received - she explained that children shouldn't be made to feel beholden to anyone

So maybe your DS's friend was raised in a similar way by my batshit crazy SIL

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2015 16:04

That behaviour from a toddler or very young child fine, but from a 10 year old, noway. Even my 3 year old says thank you.

Krampus · 31/12/2015 16:07

I have to prompt my 10 year old to say thankyou in many situations, he gets anxious and would be too shy to say it by himself. He is always desperate to do the right thing which oddly makes him less likely to say it around people he doesn't know well. H is probably more thankful than the kids who get a thanks to roll out with ease.

His definition of knowing someone well would be having spent lots of regular time with them over years.

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2015 16:08

As far as I can observe, my 10yo did is pretty good on the whole. I do think it's really important and of course she has been taught to say thank you. But can I be 100% sure that she manages to say thank you every single time, even when I'm not there? I don't think I can.

What I do know is that dd's lovely, polite, well-mannered friends tend to forget from time to time if their parents aren't there to remind them. Most of the time, they're charming and very grateful, but sometimes they are too excited or absorbed in other things. They're kids, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. They would thank me if they remembered to do it! :)

QuinionsRainbow · 31/12/2015 16:10

First time I went on an overnighter, a couple of years older than OP's guest, not only did I have it dinned into me that thanks on leaving were essential, but I was also given a small thank-you gift to hand over at an appropriate moment.

Ah, those were the days!

meiisme · 31/12/2015 16:10

Are you in the Netherlands, itis? I'm from there and songs with 'fuck' in it do get played during the daytime, I'm pretty sure. It just doesn't have the same shocking effect that it has in the UK, a least partly because it's a forrin word. Also, pleases and thankyous are not a big priority there. For many Dutch people the English emphasis on formal politeness is quite alien, and and it as somewhat fake. I live in the UK, and was very amused when my kids started coming home with pleases and thankyous from the child minder. I do remind them of using their polite words now, mostly to make sure parents of friends won't be offended.

mudandmayhem01 · 31/12/2015 16:12

My Spanish speaking friend found it took a while to adapt to the number of times you are expected to say thank you in English. She said if you did it that much in Spanish you would appear odd or even surprised at the generosity of the person to be thanked, which is itself rude!

MistressMerryWeather · 31/12/2015 16:12

If he was an otherwise well behaved kid it wouldn't bother me.

Much more preferable to a well mannered pain in the arse.

Some children just find it hard to speak up.

Zhabr · 31/12/2015 16:15

Ages ago my DS1 had a friend over and the boy was very polite. Always said please and thank you etc. Turned out later he was very rude to DS and said some really nasty things about our house, food and me in particular. So he was two faced little brat but very polite when the adults were present.

mudandmayhem01 · 31/12/2015 16:17

Gosh I know a little madam like that, unbelievably good manners to the point of being over the top and then bullied and undermined dd for two years on the sly.

Katiepoes · 31/12/2015 16:18

Melisme not sure where you are from in NL but I live there and a child (or adult) would most definitely be expected to say thank you - whether a treat as here or being handed a piece of sausage at the butcher. Also how is saying thank you 'false'?

OP I'd put that one down to him being a ten yearold, I don't think it occurs to them they should say thanks. It's more important he's pleasant to have around in general.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 31/12/2015 16:21

How often did your DS say thank you to you? When he said it, did his friend not also say it? Or did you simply not expect him too, and if so - why did you expect his friend to?

budgiegirl · 31/12/2015 16:24

I think that some children just forget, no matter how they have been brought up. As long as they are polite and respectful when they are visiting, I don't have too much of a problem if they forget to say goodbye or thank you.

I've taught my children to say 'thank you' after visiting a friend, or being given a lift. But at 10, I'm sure there were occasions when they forgot. Now they are teens, I'm fairly confident that they remember every time.

Sallyingforth · 31/12/2015 16:26

I wouldn't want them to say Thankyou.
But I'd like them to say Thank You.

OK, I'll piss off.

Joolsy · 31/12/2015 16:30

I don't like it when kids don't have manners - I've noticed alot with DD2's friends - there's alot of "I want....". I always say, would you like to ask properly please? And they know exactly what I mean! It tends to be the ones that I know well, their manners tend to slip as they get more comfortable.

However, you said in your OP that the spa day was expensive - that's pretty irrelevant. The child in question wouldn't know whether it cost alot or not.

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/12/2015 16:30

I'm frustrated that my ds does the same thing. I say thank you a lot so it's not him going by example. I'm not sure why he doesn't, and he's ten too. I guess I haven't reinforced it enough. I'm not good at "preparing" him beforehand, maybe that's it, i.e. reminding him beforehand to say thank you to the neighbor whose house he is about to visit, etc. He does say thank you, especially for gifts, just not all the time, at appropriate times...I would like suggestions on how to fix this myself. There are a couple of children we know who have impeccable manners and I so admire that. I think maybe they were reinforced a lot when they were young, perhaps.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 16:31

I did ban one of DDs friends when she was about 13, as she never said Thank You. I would overlook a single instance, but if it's all the time it would really annoy me.

Luckily for me it's only ever been the one friend that has been like that.

KERALA1 · 31/12/2015 16:35

Help in my dds class of 6 year olds and really noticeable the ones that say thank you. And often it isn't the ones you would expect either. Definitely worse manners from the middle class boden contingent's kids -

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/12/2015 16:39

Is he shy? I was v painfully shy as a child and it would take me ages to work up the courage/find a quiet moment to say thank you to my friend's mum when I went to play/dinner.

anotherbusymum14 · 31/12/2015 16:48

I'm not surprised. The kid could've been tired from sleepover or shy and just ready to get home. Sounds like a busy 12 hours or so. I agree that although Id like a thanks, I'm not going to expect it.
Some kids say thanks and just say the words (as they've been taught or made to say it). I'd rather hear a genuine thanks from the heart of the individual than a practiced half-hearted thanks. Just my opinion :)

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aoife24 · 31/12/2015 16:49

My 18-year-old nephew didn't acknowledge £350 I gave him for his birthday. At that age he should know better and there will be no more of that from me.

Georgeofthejungle · 31/12/2015 16:53

My OH's family never see please and thank you to each other - including his 3 and 5 yo nephews. Really grinds me! I will be enduring my little one is well mannered when the time comes.

AndNowItsSeven · 31/12/2015 16:55

My children's friends regularly come on days out and sleepover. They are just treated as one of the family I wouldn't expect thanks.

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