To stop making an effort - DB and SIL

[Imchangingmyname]

Every year I buy my DB and SILs DC age-appropriate, thoughtful gifts. Sometimes asking SIL for ideas or what they are into at that time etc.
Each year without fail they give my DC awful, age-inappropriate, bargain bin toys or clothes in the wrong size.
I'm talking a two quid baby puzzle for a 3 year old for example. Or 1-2 pj's for 3yo.

I love my DNieces and want to treat them, however I feel this year the problem has come to a head because my DD (4) is old enough to understand.

My DNieces are very present-oriented as are BIL and SIL so it was all 'when are we doing presents?' on Christmas day. When we finally opened them DNieces have Frozen dolls and lovely dressing up things from us. DD has a jigsaw puzzle of Minions (which she has never seen) from them.
She was looking at her cousins toys and said she would like one of those.

I can't understand why they can't make an effort. I know SIL spends a lot on her own brothers kids but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine.

WIBU to stop making an effort with their presents? It's mainly now because my DD is upset and too little to understand why she doesn't get something nice too. Our incomes are both comfortable, if anything they are wealthier.

[Duckdeamon]

What do you mean "bargain bin"? How do you know - bad quality?

You could have got her a similar doll yourself, when you bought for the DNs.

I have a 4yo who likes frozen, and dolls, but a decent puzzle is just not a shitty gift! it's also normal for DC to desire things others have. So you're being PFB about that.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I wouldn't be spending so much on a niece or nephew either.

[thecatsarecrazy]

Don't bother any more op. My bil and sil don't have children but they never send my ds a birthday card, one year asked what they would like for Christmas and sent them a Poundland selection box and a bag of chocolate coins each. I now give the same value items. Haven't seen them this year but they will be getting poundland body spray and poundland biscuits I don't have a lot of time for them though so no guilt.

[baublesbells]

I can't understand why they can't make an effort. I know SIL spends a lot on her own brothers kids but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine

It is your DB that doesn't care

[Caprinihahahaha]

You say in your op that this happens every year.
Why do you think your DB and SIL are suddenly going to do a complete about turn and produce a bag full of gorgeous thoughtful gifts next time?
They've shown you repeatedly that they are going to give you crappy gifts. Stop spending huge amounts on their children.

Apart from anything else you say that both they and your DNs are very present orientated. I genuinely don't understand why you would make more of a fuss and spend more when you think they don't care about the thought, just how big the gift is.

Stop it. It's odd to keep doing the same thing and expecting them to have some kind of epiphany. They won't.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

It does also depend on how much money they have. I can't afford to buy anything for anyone except my DC, but if my relatives decided not to buy for them for that reason they'd have 3 presents each in total and no big/expensive presents. I'm eternally grateful that relatives buy them lovely presents.

[Caprinihahahaha]

Bathsheba
It doesn't seem to be a money issue as the op says in the opening posts, that they spend a lot on the SILs brothers DC.

[lilydaisyrose]

SweepTheHalls

With you entirely. DSIL puts no thought or care into her gifts for my children. I ask what hers would like and always buy from the list to ensure that they receive something that they will love, and she's wraps up tat for my children. I need to downgrade our expectations and just keep recycling the tat.

Same issue here. I can't decide whether to keep doing as I do and hold my head up high or to stoop to their level and just buy tat with no thought as to their personalities or likes/dislikes. We don't get to see DNephew & DNiece as often as we'd like (despite trying) and my children only have 2 cousins with the very slim liklihood of anymore, so I tend to buy lots of thoughtful gifts for DNephew & DNiece. This is not reciprocated for my 2 children. It makes me sad and a bit resentful (sadly).

[NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding]

At least if you spend less next year, they can't complain without looking like twats

[pictish]

I know SIL spends a lot on her own brothers kids but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine.

Why is it sil's responsibility? It's your db's job to buy for his niece. There's nothing wrong with your sil spending on her own family....that your brother doesn't follow suit is his lookout surely?

Might be a lot to do with the disparity in the gifts. Maybe he bought them? If that's the case, bitch about him not her.

[Caprinihahahaha]

I had a relative who used to be like this.
I bought lovely gifts for him and his wife and children. He'd buy things like soap for my 2 year old DS. Seriously, soap for a toddler.

One year they all turned up Boxing Day, picked up all the presents and left. I said to my mother 'that's it, I'm not buying for them anymore' at which point my mum roared and said 'really? You have just figured that out now?'

[Licketysplit9]

I would treat this as your cue to downscale. They obviously don't feel it is a priority. Outwardly my family would look like we have enough money to be generous at Christmas and in reality we struggle a bit to keep in the black and I wish we felt we could have that discussion with certain family members or do a secret santa of sorts. They might be deciding to budget quite heavily and be a bit embarrassed at their children receiving such generous gifts. Or, yes they could just be tight-wads!

[LagunaBubbles]

And just to clarify again a bargain bin minion puzzle is a shit present to a 4 year old who has just watched her cousin open an Elsa doll!

But thats partly because you, despite previous years are still buying gifts like the Elsa doll that clearly are too much if you want to compare them to what they give your DD. If you had given a smaller value present to your nieces then your DD wouldn't have had to "watch her cousin open an Elsa doll".

[AlanPacino]

Appalled with the sexism on here in terms of the resentment levelled at the female and not the male. I do presents for my family, he does for his (or rather doesn't but that's his lookout). If one of his female relatives got pissy with me about the lack of presents I'd be putting them straight.

Having a penis doesn't render you incapable of choosing and giving presents. And neither does having a vagina bestow you with the desire and energy to buy presents. Geez Mumsnet it's 2015 ffs

[AlanPacino]

Sometimes asking SIL for ideas or what they are into

Can't your DB think and speak?

[AlanPacino]

but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine.

What about your DB? You know, your own brother, that man she's married to. The one with the arms and legs and brain.

[daisychain01]

I would not bother next year, it's just too much hassle and someone always ends up feeling hard done by.

Why not make a reasoned agreement with your DBro and SIL that it's getting too stressful trying to buy gifts for each other so agree to buy a family box of luxury chocolate biscuits. If it doesn't go down well with them, I'm sure they'll get over it.

[daisychain01]

Realistically, men are generally unmotivated by Christmas, don't see the point and wouldn't be seen dead in a toyshop.

Trying to change reality in suggestions that just because the DBro has a brain etc he will be motivated to trapse round looking for a thoughtful gift for a 5 yo is like farting against thunder.

Why bother it isn't worth the stress hoping for things to change, if they haven't done so by now!

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

DHs family are like this. I spent a few years seething about it but now he just doubles up the clubcard points and buys whatever he can in Tesco at the end of November with whatever doubled up points we have. I feel much better about receiving pound shop face cream and a B and M candle from my PILs now they're getting a £2 DVD and a 3 for £7 novel in exchange.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

OP ignore the idiots who will argue black is white in order to somehow make you out to be unreasonable (and your daughter ungrateful/bratty etc) 🙄

If this happens consistently then either it's on purpose or they just don't give a toss.

I don't give to receive and I truly do believe that it's the thought that counts. However at some point it becomes clear that there IS no thought going into the choice of present.

Seriously people - would you really, year on year, buy shit cheap presents even though it was obvious that you or your kids were getting far more back, either in terms of value, thought or both?

No. Didn't think so 🙄

[Imchangingmyname]

alan what makes you think I assume my DB doesn't do the shopping because he has a penis? Bizarre.
In their family my SIL does all the shopping. In other families I know, the DH does lots of the shopping. My own DH included.

Inverted sexism from you, methinks!

[AlanPacino]

You're levelling your irritation at her when she will have her own family to sort out. If your brother cared he would step up, if he doesn't it's him you should be pissy with if its that important. Saying 'oh men wouldn't be seen dead' etc is just propping up the crap expectations. So if a woman doesn't make the effort we judge her but a man, ah well, you know men, their precious egos can't cope with the rigours of shopping.

Take her out of the equation. How many posts do you see where people are pissed off with the BIL? No, generally and unfairly the woman is seen as responsible. And then the same women are getting fed up with feeling the pressure to do it all. Come on mumsnet stop buying into it and feeling aggrieved when you fall foul of the sexism you perpetuate.

[AlanPacino]

Is like farting against thunder.

Yeah, can't change anything, just put up with the inherent inequality and run yourself ragged doing it all and getting upset when others don't buy into it.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

I went to a lot of trouble buying gifts for my 3 nieces and nephew, they live a long way from me and in Nov we were seeing B and SIL for scattering mum's ashes. I took the wrapped presents for them to take back for xmas, they handed over envelopes with money for my DS's, xmas been and gone and I have not had a call or a text to say thanks. Feel like not bothering next year as I don't want to just send money up and down the country and them do the same, seems so silly. If we stop doing presents altogether it means their kids will miss out as they are younger than mine so mine will have had years more of presents than theirs, tis all so difficult. I hate them just getting money with not even a token present to open.

[AlanPacino]

I hate them just getting money with not even a token present to open.

I think they'd be okay with that. I'd just put it in their savings acc which over time will be fab for when they're older and want v expensive stuff.