To stop making an effort - DB and SIL

[Imchangingmyname]

Every year I buy my DB and SILs DC age-appropriate, thoughtful gifts. Sometimes asking SIL for ideas or what they are into at that time etc.
Each year without fail they give my DC awful, age-inappropriate, bargain bin toys or clothes in the wrong size.
I'm talking a two quid baby puzzle for a 3 year old for example. Or 1-2 pj's for 3yo.

I love my DNieces and want to treat them, however I feel this year the problem has come to a head because my DD (4) is old enough to understand.

My DNieces are very present-oriented as are BIL and SIL so it was all 'when are we doing presents?' on Christmas day. When we finally opened them DNieces have Frozen dolls and lovely dressing up things from us. DD has a jigsaw puzzle of Minions (which she has never seen) from them.
She was looking at her cousins toys and said she would like one of those.

I can't understand why they can't make an effort. I know SIL spends a lot on her own brothers kids but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine.

WIBU to stop making an effort with their presents? It's mainly now because my DD is upset and too little to understand why she doesn't get something nice too. Our incomes are both comfortable, if anything they are wealthier.

[FlatOnTheHill]

ChipsNGuac. Is the only one speaking sense on here.

[G1veMeStrength]

If my DC got crap toys and at the same time their cousins got good toys, of course they would be about it.

My DB & SIL are kind of hit and miss with stuff - sometimes thoughtful and sometimes totally odd. We have taught our kids to accept all presents with politeness and that we can sort out duplicates/unwanted stuff in private.

Eg I've often swapped them a not their thing kind of toy, which can go in the present drawer, for a book that they've chosen online.

[G1veMeStrength]

PS I suspect the lack of thought from certain people in my family is related to mental health highs and lows so I've never taken it personally. Sometimes their hearts not in it but not because they are horrible or selfish iyswim.

[BackforGood]

What vocationalgoat said.

[Imchangingmyname]

I'm going to be honest, if my 4 yo got upset as they 'only' got a Minions puzzle, I'd be telling them to get over themselves.

chips ironically it's my DD who isn't bothered about presents. As I said in OP, my DN's are the ones talking all the time about 'when are we opening presents' etc.
DD is 4, of course she is going to react when they have lovely presents and she has a puzzle. We are all together opening them, just us and DB's family. This isn't Christmas morning.

[llhj]

God people are so pious on these threads. Children must be grateful for any gift at all, comparison is not allowed, etc etc. What a load of shit. Of course your sil is beng tight and you're being taken for a ride. Just don't do it in future. Buy two cheap jigsaws next year and they can be suitably grateful as your dd should be. Angst over.

[eurochick]

I can see why too small pjs is a crap present but the rest of them sound like perfectly fine gifts to me. What on earth is wrong with a minions puzzle?

[SolsburyHell]

I get your overall point but don't think you've given a good example as a Minions jigsaw is a decent present for a 4 year old, maybe not your 4 year old but they weren't to know that.

[NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding]

I would just spend less

[Imchangingmyname]

solsbury it depends surely on the situation and other presents involved though, does it not? So without outing myself here, if DN opens a singing Elsa doll, say and DD opens a small minions puzzle, can you see why a 4 year old may be disappointed at the disparity?

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Why would you spend so much on other people's DCs? The dolls and dressing up things are more than I would spend on DNs, if I had them.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

What I'm saying is that knowing they wouldn't have spent as much as you did, you rather set your DD up for this one.

[slithytove]

I got my sister a £30 coffee table book she has wanted for ages.

She got me a reusable baking liner.

I'm nearly 30 and I'm still annoyed!

[ChipsandGuac]

FlatontheHill I'm going to keep your comment close to my heart for prosperity. I may even show DH next time he's annoying

[ChipsandGuac]

Prosperity?!! POSTERITY!

[Duckdeamon]

Fair enough of be pissed off if there's a general lack of effort / reciprocity from your DB, but a minions puzzle (unless age inappropriate, eg 6 or 500 pieces or of poor quality) is not a shit present for a 4yo!

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

Next year do the same. Just buy them something to the value of £5. PuzZles or books are lovely gifts.

[lighteningirl]

I'm with Flat and Chips you are spending way to much next year spend less.

[SweepTheHalls]

With you entirely. DSIL puts no thought or care into her gifts for my children. I ask what hers would like and always buy from the list to ensure that they receive something that they will love, and she's wraps up tat for my children. I need to downgrade our expectations and just keep recycling the tat.

[Imchangingmyname]

Obviously I am spending too much and putting too much thought. Maybe it's because I know DN's are very present-oriented and I've wanted to make sure they have something they will love. Made me feel a bit of an idiot this year.

The fact that my own DC can now see the difference means it will be the pound shop next year.

[Imchangingmyname]

Thanks for the advice

And just to clarify again a bargain bin minion puzzle is a shit present to a 4 year old who has just watched her cousin open an Elsa doll!

[lighteningirl]

Yes it is she's tight and inconsiderate

[Blueturquoise]

I m with you too - wouldn't kill them to enquire what dd likes even. slightly similar here too
Dh s family would meet up after Christmas and all cousins exchange gifts.
Dd - known in the family for being a tomboy - (so much so it d a running' joke 'amongst il s about how non girly she is) would get pound land sparkly shit or a Dora shopping bag from BIL and SIL of course she was disappointed as she watched her brother open a cool car or whatever. We too had primed dc to say thank you, and explained how sometimes people don't always get gifts you would like but that they had gone to he effort of getting them something, along the lines of the thought that counts, however last year was final straw when dd s gifts were terrible rubbish and she thanked everyone but later said to me 'they mustn't like me much as they know I hate Barbies and Dora is only for babies and they still give me stuff they know I don't like mum'
The start contrast of her brother opening stuff he loved made it a bit worse.
I ended up swapping dd s f
Gifts for something she preferred (Lego)

[mamadoc]

I feel a bit sorry for SIL tbh. As others have pointed out the minion puzzle was not a shit gift just not enough/ the right thing in your eyes.

How well does she know you and DD? Why is it up to her and not your own brother to get the gifts?
It's just the kind of faux pas you could make if you don't know the DC in question very well or the family gift giving culture.
Blame your brother who is the one who should know this stuff.

I get nice thoughtful presents for my 2 nieces who I know very well and love to pieces.
DH is responsible for buying for the 6 nephews and nieces including step children on his side as I find it a nightmare. We don't see them as much, I don't know them or what they like and it is just a chore to me to try to get things.
His family are big on gifts and often get bags and bags of stuff for our DC whereas I would prefer one meaningful gift. I often feel we have got it wrong and not bought enough in comparison but it's hard for me to change the way I've always done things.

Lay off SIL and have words with your own brother

[QuiteLikely5]

Surely your sil and brother feel embarrassed when they are opening the presents?

Anyway I have been in your shoes and one year I finally snapped when one of the dc got a recycled toy with a part missing rendering the whole thing useless, there was also a used book and an opened dvd.

Those were just some of the things. Consequently, I dropped my budget and only buy things under a certain amount.

Do I give to receive? I suppose we do. I give to sils dc on the expectation she will give to mine.

Please buy them a jigsaw next year!