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AIBU?

To stop making an effort - DB and SIL

96 replies

Imchangingmyname · 27/12/2015 19:24

Every year I buy my DB and SILs DC age-appropriate, thoughtful gifts. Sometimes asking SIL for ideas or what they are into at that time etc.
Each year without fail they give my DC awful, age-inappropriate, bargain bin toys or clothes in the wrong size.
I'm talking a two quid baby puzzle for a 3 year old for example. Or 1-2 pj's for 3yo.

I love my DNieces and want to treat them, however I feel this year the problem has come to a head because my DD (4) is old enough to understand.

My DNieces are very present-oriented as are BIL and SIL so it was all 'when are we doing presents?' on Christmas day. When we finally opened them DNieces have Frozen dolls and lovely dressing up things from us. DD has a jigsaw puzzle of Minions (which she has never seen) from them.
She was looking at her cousins toys and said she would like one of those.

I can't understand why they can't make an effort. I know SIL spends a lot on her own brothers kids but feels like she doesn't care when it comes to mine.

WIBU to stop making an effort with their presents? It's mainly now because my DD is upset and too little to understand why she doesn't get something nice too. Our incomes are both comfortable, if anything they are wealthier.

OP posts:

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HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum · 29/12/2015 13:36

Op I know where your coming from and income does play a big deal.

All I can say is, put less effort into their gifts.

Children love money in a card!! £5 each from you - job done. the DC will love it and you will the be aunty who gave them cash and you have no gripes then.

MY dc have three aunts.

The most generous one, who DID NOT spend a fortune on them, but sent little hair bands, gave nice little bits and bobs was by FAR THE POOREST and I mean by a long long shot.

The other two are very very well off, no dc, in mid forties and the tightest stingiest people EVER MET. They give re gifted un suitable crap or the crappiest crap ever.

One cant help but feel hurt they feel no compulsion to make more effort.

HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum · 29/12/2015 13:39

step I agree money is actually a great gift....

daisychain01 · 29/12/2015 13:53

FWIW I think that it is the parents responsibility to make sure their DC receive the age appropriate gifts they long for. They live with them day in day out and know their DCs likes and dislikes, fads and fashions.

For anyone else, family friends etc their presents should be received as token gifts ie lower any expectations that those people will be as motivated as the parents to buy something "thoughtful and appropriate". They just won't! If they do, that's lucky!

HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum · 29/12/2015 14:11

daisy I disagree I know a few old crusty bachelors who live alone and have no DC and have done for years, they still manage to get themselves to a toy shop and ASK THE ASSISTANT for age appropriate toys...

baublesbells · 29/12/2015 17:46

In their family my SIL does all the shopping

So that absolves your B of any responsibility?

BackforGood · 29/12/2015 21:12

I don't know why so many people are getting their knickers in a twist about the fact it's the OP's SiL who does the shopping in that family.
That's nothing to do with what te OP is asking about
It's nothing that the OP has any control over
and
I dare say it's very, very, normal in real life, where, in most families, it makes sense for one person to do the gift shopping. Fair division of work load is not the same thing as splitting every job in half

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 21:47

But why should one person shoulder all the extra effort? It should be divided which is is why it makes sense for the DH to do his side and the DW to do her side.

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 21:48

If one side chooses not to bother the other side should not feel responsible. I buy for my side, I don't expect my DH to, equally if he wants to buy for his side he can. If he doesn't it's nowt to do with me.

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 21:51

It doesn't make sense for one person to do the gift shopping. Gifts are about choices and effort. No one is too busy to make an Amazon order if they care about buying a gift.

Imchangingmyname · 29/12/2015 21:54

i'm beginning to see why there are so many IL issues on MN, with attitudes like yours al. You're not my SIL are you?

OP posts:

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 23:04

If I am it's your brother you need to get sniffy with, not me

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 23:07

I think the overwhelming ratio of sils to bils being moaned about is an illustration the inherent sexism that many women buy into, but we've been over that already.

TheFutureMrsB · 29/12/2015 23:35

I know how you feel, I am absolutely fed up of putting effort into buying nice things for people when we get utter shit back so I stopped! And you know what it worked.

My BIL & SIL buy my kids crap, and I used to go and spend a fortune on nice things, thought out presents of things the kids like but not anymore, I spent roughly a fiver each on them this year and to be honest I felt that was too much, I've always hated the giving to receive thing, and had never bothered before but when I see the £40-£50 worth of presents they were opening compared to the £2 shite my kids were getting I just had enough and the same goes for my family too, a pair of £2.50 Primark bottoms does not make a brilliant gift for a 13 year old boy, so I stopped the effort with those too.

Imchangingmyname · 30/12/2015 09:40

al well if you are, your present was shit!

In this case I don't think ive laid the blame squarely with SIL. I do think that she does the present buying and treats us as an afterthought. Equally, yes, I think my DB probably doesn't give a shit.

It's also indicative of how women can treat each other in families. You see ten times the amount of posts complaining about MIL's than you do about FIL's for example.

OP posts:

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 10:10

It's also indicative of how women can treat each other in families.

Absolutely. That's the problem with it all, women buy into it to. Women generally judge other women more harshly because we have fallen foul of the double standard that runs through our lives. One oft used example being the sexualised insults for women that there are no equivalent terms for wrt to men. And women use them just as often to label other women. A single man with a messy home? Just a man. A women? She's a slattern, and lazy and deviant. I could go on but I think you get the point I'm making about the undercurrent of a lot of these threads.

baublesbells · 30/12/2015 10:30

Equally, yes, I think my DB probably doesn't give a shit

Now you are getting there!

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 11:07

al well if you are, your present was shit!

Well I'm not your sil then because DH didn't bother to do any presents for his side.

pictish · 30/12/2015 11:11

It's also indicative of how women can treat each other in families.

Is it? Your sil is your brother's choice and from her perspective, you are her husband's sibling. You're not friends or a priority to one another. Yes, you're an afterthought, but I doubt it's in a pointed way.
This doesn't indicate anything about women in families, it's simply two people that don't read from the same page.

The culprit here is still your brother.

Imchangingmyname · 30/12/2015 12:09

Pictish nowhere have I indicated that DB isn't the 'culprit', I don't think there is a 'culprit' persay! It's a problem with both and indeed the whole family. Their kids being so present-orientated, us making effort and them not.

I've explained so many times that SIL does the shopping but I do not blame her entirely. Have you read the FT? Also you seem to have assumed so much about my friendship with SIL etc, I guess you are projecting your own experiences.

OP posts:

pictish · 30/12/2015 12:26

Ok then. If it were me I'd just stop buying their present-orientated kids markedly more expensive gifts than they buy for yours. Problem solved.

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 12:49

sil does the shopping

If this is a pattern and your brother has seen this before, where your kids are getting less we have to assume your brother is fine about this. Just don't get them so much.

If someone said to me 'you haven't spent as much on my dc's as I have on yours and I would like you to spend more next year' I'd just say 'sorry, what you spend is up to you, why don't you spend less, no offence was meant' while secretly thinking they were a bit shallow. I would never say that though.

This goes for my family. If DH's said it to me I'd say 'your brother is over there' and be thankful that DH wasn't so concerned as they where. Look, don't see it as an insult to you and your family, they just have a different take on it, and may be hoping that you'll take the cue from the disparity of the value of the gifts. The bottom line is not taking personal offence when there's a difference in how people do things.

Undoubtedly there have been times when your inbuilt values have caused offence to someone who failed to appreciate that you meant none. it would be a shame but you can't shape you values to what won't potentially offend. You decided for yourself what you feel is appropriate and go from there. And if people get offended it's a shame but you know none was intended so your conscience is clear.

Personally I save my offended-ness for times it is clear that a personal offence was meant, and I can count those instances in one hand.

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