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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the same pre school rules should apply to all parents.

80 replies

TeaBreak01 · 08/12/2015 16:25

I really hate that my dd preschool seem to operate different rules for different parents attending the same event. Today was dd nativity show, the rules were no younger sibblings allowed to attend and no photography. Dd's older sister has been in hospital unexpectedly for the last few days and was discharged just after lunch today, so I asked the lady in the office if dd could attend as was collecting her from hospital then going straight to nativity. Office lady said no and that they'd said no younger sibblings, pointed out dd was 9 and was capable of sitting nicely for half hour but they wouldn't budge. So i couldn't attend as had no where for dd1 to go on such short notice. When I collect younger dd the parents were leaving and one of the other mums that happens to be on the preschool committee was leaving with both a younger and older sibling. Oviously my dd was very upset that I didn't attend and came out in tears understandably. So I asked the office lady why the other parent was allowed to bring other children and she said Mrs so and so is on the parents committee so the sibling rule doesn't apply to her and maybe next time I should arrange appropriate child care. I found her attitude to be very unreasonable usually dd2 would of been at school so no child care needed her hospital stay was completely unplanned.

OP posts:
Witchend · 08/12/2015 17:15

It tends to be the nice parents ask (and get told no) and the pushy entitled ones just turn up and aren't challenged.
But if the try and do something (crack down/tickets etc) people are up in arms... Look on here. So really they can't win.

howabout · 08/12/2015 17:16

YANBU

But then I think it is nuts that parents and teachers are so precious about a preschool performance and / or so lacking in accommodative strategies that they exclude siblings.

Notso · 08/12/2015 17:16

Is this a playgroup?
I don't understand why your daughter wasn't allowed if the rules were no younger siblings.
Maybe join the committee?

BrokenVag · 08/12/2015 17:19

it depends how much you want to rock the boat with the parent committee/the office person etc. ..but next time there are rules announced for a show or party etc, ask in writing for confirmation it applies to all parents...

Why shouldn't the parents that break their backs keep the place open/running get a bit more than those that sit back and watch them?

DoJo · 08/12/2015 17:21

One rule for the brown nosers and one for everyone else.

Whilst I agree that there should be one rule for everyone involved, I think calling parents who serve on the committee of a pre-school 'brown nosers' is really inappropriate. Without people who volunteer their time and energy, pre-schools cannot open and it is a largely thankless and frustrating task. A role gives most committee members precisely NO benefits, just a lot of paperwork, stress and ultimately responsibility for all the staff of the pre-school and therefore the children who attend it.

It sounds as though the committee member in question was completely unaware of the situation you were in OP, and the jobsworthy-ness of the office lady cannot be attributed to anyone on the committee unless you can be sure that they actually made the rules. It might just be that the mum in question simply turned up with her other children and nobody felt able to turn her away because of her committee role, but that is the problem of the staff who made that decision and not her fault.

Hurr1cane · 08/12/2015 17:23

I am on the 'parents comittee' in DSs school. The only rules that don't apply to me is hat I can go through school unattended and help out because I'm DBS checked by the school. That's it. OP YANBU. That's terrible

Hurr1cane · 08/12/2015 17:24

And I joined the comittee to help the school not for 'perks'

BrokenVag · 08/12/2015 17:42

Of course i'm not doing it for the perks alone. But the rare glint of one after months of being taken for granted and dealing with all the shit is appreciated.

TheTigerIsOut · 08/12/2015 17:42

I'm pretty sure that if the headteacher heard of what that person mentioned about the rules not applying to parents in the committee, he or she would hit the roof.

If someone tells you you cannot bring your children because you are not in the committee, just repeat that Mrs X told you that it was ok for committee parents to bring theirs so you just thought it would be fair to bring your own.

DS' old school had a PTA clique with distinctive privileges:

  • They were the only ones who would hear about school clubs with limited places.
  • Their children's bullying was ignored and even defended.
  • They were the only ones asked to fill questionnaires for OFSTED

I really didn't see the point in going against the current, but took advantage of my lesser privileges:

The PTA need volunteers for the School Fair... Though, can't make it.
The PTA asks for donations for the fair prizes... Sorry, stuff sent to charity shop... tomorrow.
The PTA needs cupcakes... Ha, ha, ha... they can go and stuff themselves.
Singers required to sing Christmas Carols around the neighbourhood?... Why on Earth would DS and I want spend time with those bullies?

It made life much easier. Honest.

TheTigerIsOut · 08/12/2015 17:44

By the way, I may not be participating in money raising activities, but I sent a £50 donation to the school a year instead, which I am sure was about 40% of the intake for a meaningless cupcake sale.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2015 17:47

"DS' old school had a PTA clique with distinctive privileges:

  • They were the only ones who would hear about school clubs with limited places.
  • Their children's bullying was ignored and even defended.
  • They were the only ones asked to fill questionnaires for OFSTED"

I bet they didn't, you know. Well, the last one is definitely not true- so I see no reason why the others are any more than rumours too.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2015 17:50

"By the way, I may not be participating in money raising activities, but I sent a £50 donation to the school a year instead, which I am sure was about 40% of the intake for a meaningless cupcake sale."

That's good to hear. You are, in my experience, bordering on the unique. One of the things people always say is "I'd rather just send a cheque" but I have lost count of the times I have said "That would be fantastic, yes please" for no cheque to be forthcoming!

chillycurtains · 08/12/2015 17:54

No, there must be someone higher than the office lady that you can ask to see and explain that this is not acceptable. Outrageous to treat your DD like that.

BrokenVag · 08/12/2015 17:55

Same here Bertrand.

Original poster
TeaBreak01 · 08/12/2015 18:01

No wasn't me that posted about mil and preschool. Preschool in a charity and is not situated in an actual school so there is no head teacher as such. It was a ticket only event so yes dd didn't have a ticket that's why i was polite and asked uf she could attend, I thought given thr circumstances they may let her sit on my lap or on the floor at the front. I've told dd1 we will have our own family nativity at the weekend to make up for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaBreak01 · 08/12/2015 18:02

And I don't want to join the committee for perks just want everbody to be treated fairly and common sense to be used where necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaBreak01 · 08/12/2015 18:06

Sorry missed an answer off my last post. I think the letter only stated younger sibblings as they assumed older sibblings would be in school as it was during school hours, therefore wouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 08/12/2015 18:13

I can see why you are upset op, and originally I was going to say how unfair it is and yanbu.

But...dh is a coach for the one of the ds's schools football team. All the dc (about 20 in every age group) get to play one match every fortnight/three weeks. Except for ds2 and a couple of the others coaches kids, who get to play a match every week.

A couple of the parents complained. Demanded that the coaches kids only attend the same number of matches as the others, as it was unfair and that the coaches were 'taking perks' at the detriment of other kids and abusing their positions and all sorts. Nasty.

Dh gives up every Thursday night (3ish hours) and every Saturday morning to take these kids training and to matches. Plus had to give up three full weekends in a row (8 hour days) when he first applied to do all the necessary training. Full enhanced CRB check. Extra First Aid training. Regular coaches meetings to plan events and matches and awards throughout the season.

It's voluntary. If it wasn't for him and the other coaches committing to the club and volunteering, it wouldn't exist at all. So yes, the rule about the number of matches each dc gets is bent for the coaches.

The other parents can either suck it up or they could, of course, always volunteer their own time and spend approximately 8 hours out of their own week doing so - then they could get the same wonderful perks as the others Hmm

I don't think yabu op. But I do think it's 'reasonable' that volunteers get perks or rules bent for them, within reason, that the school or organisation couldn't do for everyone.

SouthWestmom · 08/12/2015 18:22

Wow, dh is a rugby coach and absolutely there is no favouritism amongst the coaches' boys. Just to set that one straight.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 08/12/2015 18:26

OP that stinks

Regardless of the PTA's "good works" rules should apply to everyone.And this is a particularly stupid rule, why not just let all the siblings come - it's hardly a serious performance - and it makes it likely that many parents won't be able to attend.

Office lady is probably between rock and hard place but possibly should have been allowed to used her discretion - most 9 year olds hardly going to be bunking off to see a nativity after all, no dangerous precedent set.

I think this is vastly different to the Rugby scenario, where a parent is unlikely to be able to give up a Saturday or Sunday morning to attend a match their kid isn't playing in - or on the bench for at least.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 08/12/2015 19:37

BIL is a cricket coach, zero favouritism for his DCs, despite him giving up his time. He would never have it any different.

RaspberryOverload · 08/12/2015 19:38

I'm also a chair for a PTA. I don't get any perks, neither would I expect any.

In the OP's case, she had a specific set of circumstances and some discretion should have been applied, especially as she explained these circumstances.

I think OP should take it further and complain.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 08/12/2015 19:43

Op, forget forget FORGET, F,O,R,G,E,T, the "committee", its a red herring here.

The point is, even without committee lady - you had an unusual situation, you were in a bind, with a dd just out of hospital.

who in their right mind would deny you the chance to see your younger dc in the bloody show!

This is the crux of your complaint, no matter what the usual rules or whatever are/were.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 08/12/2015 19:45

Op when you take this further, just mention your circumstances and add - as insult to injury you can imagine how upset I was when saw younger dc in there, but really your complaint was the in human bitter response from the lady who banned you.

Domino777 · 08/12/2015 19:47

Don't ask next time. Just take her.

Also write a formal complaint. What a ridiculous rule

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