To make an excuse and cancel on long planned girly weekend...

[SugarDoh]

This is going to sound a really silly post and I'll try to put it as succinctly as possible but I really struggle to fit in with people. I like my own company, when I have free time I just want to be with my husband and children, I don't crave lots of friends and have a few very close friends but that is it. I am socially awkward, I don't like small talk and am really bad at it, I struggle not to think about the complexities of things. For example if you talk to me about a nice bag in a shop, my mind will start thinking about the consumerist culture, materialism, the impact that has on society the planet etc - I know I am too serious in thought for most people. I'm also not great at knowing when I've upset someone or what the right thing to say when etc. I've learnt to hide all of this, that it isn't socially acceptable to debate the political, social or environmental factors of every thing and it bores most people (probably rightly so) but I do think deeply about everything. This isn't to say I don't have fun and laugh and play about but my form of relaxing in my children, playing with leaves, enjoying nature, being outside, walking my dog, talking to my husband (who is a lot like me in this respect!) etc.
I'm not a fun party person. I don't like confined spaces and feel trapped, and I don't like going to new places that much and I don't like being touched by people I don't have an intimate relationship with. I feel very unconfident in large groups etc.
Quite a few months ago I was invited on a girly spa-type weekend with a nice bunch of women I know. I said yes in a moment of madness as actually I actively wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try to be more social and was genuinely touched to be invited along. Now this spa weekend thing is coming up I am dreading it - I think I'll bore everyone if I do try to join in and look boring and quiet if I don't. I think I have different values and views to this group and just think I'll end up irritated or irritating. I don't want to have any treatments and the idea of a sauna sends me spinning. I don't want to be away in a strange place for a night and think it'll be a waste of my time when I could be with my children. I'm happy to pay my share and not go. I know I shouldn't have said yes in a moment of madness, I do like them all but I'm getting increasingly anxious about it...
I don't think I'm (or at least hope I'm not) an awful person, I just don't think I fit in or am the type of person they will like but I really don't want to offend them either. Should I get out of this and if so how can I do it politely (most of them are school mums or associated with husbands work)

[Headofthehive55]

Never really sure why stepping out of your comfort zone is good.

You gravitate to what you like, well, because you like it?

My comfort zone is things I like or would be interested in trying.

Doing something you aren't interested in - if you don't want to do it then it's good for you, what's all that about!

[RedMapleLeaf]

Never really sure why stepping out of your comfort zone is good.

Really?

[RedMapleLeaf]

My comfort zone is things I like or would be interested in trying.

Doing something you aren't interested in - if you don't want to do it then it's good for you, what's all that about!

Ah, I read the rest of your post Your "comfort zone" is doing the things you already feel comfortable with, things that don't challenge you or aren't familiar. "Things that interest you" but aren't familiar are not in your comfort zone.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

OP hasn't accepted an invitation to a tree-felling weekend though Doreen, she's accepted an invitation to a spa. It's not 'the' answer to everything, but it's what's on the table.

I like spa days, appreciate they're not for everyone, but they don't have to involve being cooped up in a sauna. There's usually a pool, somewhere to have a walk, a hotel room to relax in, open space to read in...

[LockTheTaskBar]

"I said yes in a moment of madness as actually I actively wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try to be more social and was genuinely touched to be invited along"

these are really good reasons for going.

I think you should, because of these reasons, and also because it's really disappointing when people flake. These people want to get to know you better and have invited you for a reason. Also, aside from the you-you-you for a moment, occasions like this are dependent on a critical mass of people agreeing to show up and then... showing up.

Smart phones etc are making it easier and easier to accept invitations on spec and it's harder and harder to know who will actually show up to anything. It's basically bordering on a social problem.


I know you probably put yourself in a slightly different category from someone who just had a better offer and didn't fancy it. I know you are genuinely worried about it. But honestly, I think we all need to woman up and take responsibility for invitations we accept and bloody well show up.

I'm like you, I will agree to things that are a bit different and then be struck by horror when the thing approaches. But it is rude not to show up for a whole load of reasons that might not be true ("they might not like me" - but they might! - "I might not like them" - but you might!). It's hard to do things you have committed to sometimes, but you have to do them.

Bear in mind that it is in groups that you are likely to find individuals you connect with. this might not be your ideal social occasion but it might be something that will result in one or two (or more) real friendships.

Or not. And then you can tell your DH how awful it was and roll about laughing and be flooded with relief to be home. It's win-win.

[specialsubject]

I also would hate being stuck indoors in a stinky spa all weekend when I could be outside. I hate shopping. I hate jabber about trivia - although of course you don't know that this last would be the case. But you do think you've very little in common with this group.

I don't think I have Aspergers, I just hate girly frilly pink stuff. There's nothing wrong with that.

how you get out of this ultra-dull weekend when you have already accepted is another issue...perhaps a well-timed illness?

[Headofthehive55]

Trying new things are absolutely in my comfort zone - I'm the one that wakes up with a new thing to try or mad idea, but it has to be of interest. Some things I just wouldn't be comfortable in doing either I know I wouldn't or have no interest in finding out!

[Polysyndeton]

You sound like a really interesting person OP. That's no doubt why you've been invited.

[Vagabond]

I think you agreed to go and people are counting on you to be there. You will disappoint people if you cancel. You were invited because you are wanted there. ironically, it's only people who are insecure who think they won't be missed if they cancel - you will surely be missed!

Try it. If it's awful, you can always extricate yourself at time and you won't say yes next time.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Go for it

[RedMapleLeaf]

First definition I get for comfort zone is, a settled method of working that requires little effort and yields only barely acceptable results. (I'm not sure about the last part). Can "trying new things" be, by definition, within one's comfort zone?

[PeasinPod1]

Think you should totally go. I've dreaded every hen weekend I've ever been on but they are always so much better/easier than Id thought, go past so quickly, have lots of fun and meet new people. The ones I've been most anxious about/knew the fewest people etc. were the best and I've made new and firm friends out of it.

I'm always happy I pushed myself to go as have also been close to coping out last minute. I think life is about occasionally pushing yourself into situations you wouldn't normally experience, what is the point of just plodding on only ever interacting with the few, same things/people that make you feel "safe" day after day? New experiences and people bring out different sides of your own personality and add other dimensions to your life. I bet you'd have a great time and feel chuffed you plunged ahead and went through with it afterwards.

[Headofthehive55]

I generally don't feel nervous or alarmed by trying something new, quite excited perhaps..but I feel quite comfortable doing it, as long as it's something I want to do. so I've always presumed that trying new things is part of my personality. I wouldn't be interested in trying anything though, I wouldn't waste time on it.

Is it a contradiction in terms?

[batshitlady]

you sound like my kind of person OP. I reckon the world could do with more people like you.. Go though, is my advice. Relax and try not to over think it. You deserve a little treat.

[Headofthehive55]

Go with a potential back out clause? Secret text to DH to ring saying child been sick?

So you can try for a while to see if it pans out?

[BIWI]

I find it interesting that so many of you equate spa weekends with girly, pink, fluffy things!

Why should that be?

Nothing wrong with going for a massage, jacuzzi, etc - and it doesn't have to be girly at all.

And, I should point out, just because you're going to a spa, it doesn't mean that you have to have any of these treatments at all! You can just as easily go for a swim, go for a walk, stay in your room, go to the bar ...

[specialsubject]

...or go somewhere much cheaper where you aren't paying for facilities that you have no interest in using.

massage? Ew.
jacuzzi? I'm with Eddie Murphy on that one...

[WineSpider]

Haven't you got an AIBU on the go about being really fucked off with your husband after a difficult day? Sounds like this would do you some good.

[theycallmemellojello]

Gosh I agree about it being weird associating spas with 'girly' stuff. I go to a Turkish bath near me in east london semi regularly and it's definitely not on the least bit skewed to women in its clientele. I don't get why relaxing in hot water/hot steam should be gender specific. Also not sure why there should be such disapproval of stuff that is women-specific - it's 2015 and hopefully were all on board with the idea that women have just as interesting ideas about society, culture, politics and whatnot, regardless of whether or not their nails or painted or whether they carry an expensive handbag. Honestly, some women's attitude to girly stuff is bordering on self-hating.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"Honestly, some women's attitude to girly stuff is bordering on self-hating."

Well no, it isn't, because those of us who hate "girly stuff" don't hate ourselves, we hate the idea that just because we're female, we should like "girly stuff". Which we don't. We don't hate other women who like it either - we (or at least, I) hate the concept that we must enjoy girly stuff too.

Other women who like girly stuff - fine, go for it, I don't have any problem at all with YOU doing it because you like it. But I DO have a problem with you insisting that I will like it too, just because I'm also female.

[Only1scoop]

I would go for it Op.

Sounds like you need a break.

[CorydonFrills]

"Stepping out of your comfort zone" is for kids and young adults. You're now a grown up, you know what you like and don't like. In your position, I would not go. I know from experience that when I do things I haven't enjoyed in the past, I don't suddenly enjoy them the next time.

[specialsubject]

self-hating because I don't like girly stuff? Wow, sweetybumps, check that mirror...

I love relaxing in hot water. I have the facilities to do that in my own home, it's great. I don't really consider it a social occasion.

[JohnCusacksWife]

I would feel exactly the same in your position. I'm happiest with my own family or a handful of close friends so the thought of a weekend away with people I only know vaguely would be hellish. I'd find it draining and exhausting. Having said that if I'd committed to going I'd have to see it through as I'd feel too guilty not to but I know I'd spend the whole weekend just wanting to be home sharing a bottle of wine in front of the tv with my DH!

[momb]

I don't like being touched but I do like a spa. A proper one, not just the pool at a hotel with a couple of palms next to it.
A proper spa has a pool big enough to swim in, a gym, lounge areas to read quietly in, gardens to wander in. You say that you accepted because you think it would be good for you to try new things and increase your social circle. The weekend could do that without you having a treatment, having a sauna or being stuck to the group all the time: everyone will split up for treatments/different classes anyway, and just meet for drinks/meals.
If you agreed to it because you want to push yourself, then don't use 'not liking spas' as an excuse not to follow through. It sounds like a great oppoprtunity to have some quiet reading time, a long contemplative walk, and lots of fresh air..