To make an excuse and cancel on long planned girly weekend...

[SugarDoh]

This is going to sound a really silly post and I'll try to put it as succinctly as possible but I really struggle to fit in with people. I like my own company, when I have free time I just want to be with my husband and children, I don't crave lots of friends and have a few very close friends but that is it. I am socially awkward, I don't like small talk and am really bad at it, I struggle not to think about the complexities of things. For example if you talk to me about a nice bag in a shop, my mind will start thinking about the consumerist culture, materialism, the impact that has on society the planet etc - I know I am too serious in thought for most people. I'm also not great at knowing when I've upset someone or what the right thing to say when etc. I've learnt to hide all of this, that it isn't socially acceptable to debate the political, social or environmental factors of every thing and it bores most people (probably rightly so) but I do think deeply about everything. This isn't to say I don't have fun and laugh and play about but my form of relaxing in my children, playing with leaves, enjoying nature, being outside, walking my dog, talking to my husband (who is a lot like me in this respect!) etc.
I'm not a fun party person. I don't like confined spaces and feel trapped, and I don't like going to new places that much and I don't like being touched by people I don't have an intimate relationship with. I feel very unconfident in large groups etc.
Quite a few months ago I was invited on a girly spa-type weekend with a nice bunch of women I know. I said yes in a moment of madness as actually I actively wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try to be more social and was genuinely touched to be invited along. Now this spa weekend thing is coming up I am dreading it - I think I'll bore everyone if I do try to join in and look boring and quiet if I don't. I think I have different values and views to this group and just think I'll end up irritated or irritating. I don't want to have any treatments and the idea of a sauna sends me spinning. I don't want to be away in a strange place for a night and think it'll be a waste of my time when I could be with my children. I'm happy to pay my share and not go. I know I shouldn't have said yes in a moment of madness, I do like them all but I'm getting increasingly anxious about it...
I don't think I'm (or at least hope I'm not) an awful person, I just don't think I fit in or am the type of person they will like but I really don't want to offend them either. Should I get out of this and if so how can I do it politely (most of them are school mums or associated with husbands work)

[Judydreamsofhorses]

I wouldn't go - it sounds like my worst nightmare. I am not a particularly deep thinker or anything like that, but I am really uncomfortable in groups and would be very anxious before and during the event - I've even missed family weddings because of this. I'd cancel.

[beelights]

Hello.

I am very similar to you. I am an introvert who prefers her own company or that of my cats/hens, partner or kids. I avoid parties and the like. I can do social occasions but usually make an excuse to leave early. I worry that I bore others as I don't have small talk skills and tend to be over-serious. However, I realise that I do need to push myself to be social to keep some kind of contact with a wider social circle, and also to push myself to take part in new experiences. I generally am glad I have made myself do it, even if sometimes it takes a few days to 'decompress'. However, prior to going I always feel the urge to back out, which I now factor in.

I try to manage it by accepting the odd invitation, but not staying too long. Can you do just one day and phone ahead to see if there are treatment choices you would enjoy (like you, I find the idea of a sauna hellish - stuck in a small hot box with no clothes on chatting!) but I could happily enjoy an Indian head massage.

And if you can't make it fit for you in a way that pushes you a little out of your comfort zone, but feels at least partially do-able, then I would say cancel without guilt.

[Sunnyminimalist2]

I think you should give it a go anyway. I did and surprisingly enjoyed myself

[theycallmemellojello]

Not meaning to be horrible, but it's no good being so much deeper than everyone else and thinking hard about saving the planet if you're not going to treat those around you with courtesy. You've said you'd go to this event. It would be extremely disrespectful and unpleasant to pull out. It's not really relevant whether your want to go or not - the right thing to do is to go. I'd say that you might as well make an effort to enjoy it while you're there, but that's your business.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I'm pretty difficult to get on with to be honest. From your first post I would have said that you should go (you seemed to suggest you liked everyone in the group), but having read your second post where you say you find the 'leader' intimidating, I've changed my mind. I sometimes avoid this kind of thing unless I can hand pick the people I want.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"You've said you'd go to this event. It would be extremely disrespectful and unpleasant to pull out."

Not if she's paying her share anyway.

"It's not really relevant whether your want to go or not"

Of course it is. She shouldn't go under duress.

What I would suggest is that if she does go, she explains in advance that she needs to spend a large part of her days alone so won't be joining in everything, but will join in for lunch, dinner and socialising in the evening or a similar compromise.

[theycallmemellojello]

I think people dropping out (without a good reason) is disrespectful, I'm afraid. Haven't you ever had that feeling of disappointment when people start pulling out of an event? It's horrible. Not to mention the feeling that others will get if they realise that the person has pulled out just because she doesn't like them. Possibly I'm old fashioned, but I do think it's part of courtesy and respect to honour obligations.

[formerbabe]

I'm a deep thinker. I don't tend to display that thinking at the school gate though. Is it possible you may be underestimating this group of women, who all have their own thoughts and dreams and ideas and convictions?

Exactly what I was going to say! On the surface you'd probably think I'm quite shallow but I'm actually very analytical and a deep thinker also. I just don't show that side of myself to many people.

I think you should go...you may surprise yourself and enjoy it more than you think.

[Wtfmummy]

However, I think you can get into a negative cycle where the less you do the less you want to do.

^this^

Really rings true

[ICantSpellNoffink]

Some of my best friends are a bit boring but I like them anyway. I like people who are genuine, kind, considerate and who are loyal friends. I also,suspect I'm a bit boring too.

I'd probably give the spa thing a miss though. I'm not usually a fan of white lies but I think this might be a situation where I would mana fracture a reason not to go. As long as you pay for your spot and tell them as soon as possible them then I think that's ok.

[Crabbitface]

First of all your post DID NOT sound superior. Secondly, you do not have to force yourself to do anything. Those who are saying that you are being judgy whilst also telling you to loosen up and let your hair down are ...being judgy. You don't need to change who you are. It is also bloody nonsense that you would be being disrespectful and unpleasant to pull out. People have to pull out of things for all sorts of reasons.

[PurpleWithRed]

Why would it 'do you good' to spend time with people you don't especially like doing something you don't want to do? Stay at home and kick through leaves on a lovely walk with your dh and dc. You're great as you are.

[hefzi]

You need to go - you accepted the invitation, and said you did so because you thought you need to get out of your comfort zone: so do just that. You've said you don't know these women more than superficially, so you'll have a chance to get to know them, and maybe you'll have more in common than you think: and you don't need to have massages etc - take a book, have a nice swim, don't go in the sauna.

And if it bothers you that much, it will make you think harder before you accept an invite in the future. It's very aggravating when people start weaseling out of plans, and the fact that they still pay their share doesn't make it OK either. You're liked enough to be included, so I suspect they already know enough about you to know that they'd have a good time with you - you don't invite someone you know to be hard work on a spa weekend. And you do sound as though you need to get out of your comfort zone, and get more comfortable interacting with a wider range of people than your immediate family - who knows, it might even make you happier?!

[TopHat33]

There are two separate points here I think OP.

1. worry that you will 'bore everyone' and so don't want to go.
   
   
2. you'd rather not go and would like to spend time with your lovely family so don't want to go.
   
   if 1) is your main concern then please do go, I bet you will enjoy it and be glad you've gone and given it a go. You say the other women are lovely and after the first hour I'm sure you'll feel very comfortable. At the very least you will feel proud of doing something a little outside your comfort zone...and you'll know whether you'll want to accept similar invitations in the future. Noone will bite. Everyone will be friendly. Oh and you really won't bore people! They're lovely and you sound lovely, it sounds as if you'll have a nice time. Sometimes it is the easy option to just say no, but when you go along you end up being glad of it (I've told myself this and enjoyed things I was thinking of declining - I totally get the instinct to stay at home).
   
   But
   
   
3. if you really just don't want to go because you'd rather be doing something else then just make an excuse, pay what's owed and say you'd still love to be included on invitations for lunch or similar in the future. life's too short to do things you don't want to do.
   
   Whatever you decide...once youve decided don't dwell on it or worry you've made the wrong decision. Accept whatever you've decided is for the best and enjoy either weekend.

[ovenchips]

I think, given what you've written, you'd be better off not going. I think it's good to push yourself to try new things but I think a whole weekend with 'strangers' doing activities you're fairly sure you won't enjoy is just too much. Push yourself by going on a night out or something of that duration but not a whole weekend.

I do think it's important to cancel with a decent enough reason that won't make the others feel let down though or as if you're rejecting them. I'm struggling to think of best way to say it without unintentionally doing either of those things so it would need careful handling.

There isn't someone else who you could gallantly give your place to who would really like to go, is there? They'd get a treat, you'd look kind for thinking of them and the group wouldn't think you had rejected them.

[Chilledmonkeybrains]

My only advice is that if you have anxiety the worst thing you can do is avoid the cause. Feeding it makes it grow.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I think you're being unbelievably hard on yourself. Probably all of the women are feeling - even marginally - apprehensive about it, whilst also looking foward to it, as well. It's not like everyone else has it all sorted, and you're the only one bumbling your way through.

You can cancel, of course. And do what you do every weekend. But you have the rest of your life to do what you do every weekend. Is one measly night out of your life going to kill you? Especially when you consider that baling is almost certainly going to make people think twice about inviting you again.

You don't have to sit in the sauna, or do X, Y, Z if you don't want to. Just do what you do want to do. It's not a prison sentence - just make it work for you!

[DoreenLethal]

adult woman with aspergers becasue the thought of being in a spa is out of her comfort zone? Where the fuck do some of you get your ideas from?

OP - the thought of spending two days in a spa sounds quite frankly horrific. If you dont want to go just make an excuse and dont go. Dont spend too long agonising over it.

But also, there are lots of us who think this obsession with handbags and treatments is completely bonkers.

If it was say, tree felling, all these people saying it would do you good to get out of your comfort aone would be all 'oh no, i couldnt break a nail'...because it is a 'spa', the ultimate girlie retreat, you are looked on strangely if you dont want to go.

[SoupDragon]

People generally don't invite a person to these things if they think they are boring. :)

Book a back/shoulder massage and relax.

[SoupDragon]

If it was say, tree felling, all these people saying it would do you good to get out of your comfort aone would be all 'oh no, i couldnt break a nail'

Well, that's not at all sexist and stupid is it? To paraphrase yourself: Where the fuck do you get your ideas from?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I went on a spa with friends once. It was a weekend away, but the first day was not at the spa, we did other stuff then went to a nightclub. The spa/health resort was the next day.

I'm not into girly stuff. I don't like being touched. I don't wear make up and I don't have manicures/pedicures. I went because my friends were going (and these were all actual friends, not just people I know) and because I thought it would be ok for 1 day.

I hated it.

The best bit was that they had just employed an osteopath, and as a long term sufferer with backpain, it was a good opportunity to see if he thought there was anything actually wrong with it (there was). That was the best bit. The aquaerobics was all right, mostly because we were all attacked with assembly giggles and nearly got thrown out of the all-too-serious class.

The actual "treatments" - didn't enjoy those. Didn't enjoy the atmosphere, and the lunch sucked.

I'm often one of the "boring" ones in the group - in that I have Strong Views on certain things and tend to go on about them given half a chance. But my friends still like me and have me along to things because I do also have a lighter side, and I'm sure you do too.

So - my advice is this:
If you're only backing out because you think you'll be too boring, then you should go. They wouldn't have invited you if they didn't want you to come along.
BUT if you're backing out because you hate the thought of a spa weekend and the treatments and all the rest of it, then DON'T go, because it's likely to be every bit as bad as you fear it is!

ONLY make this choice on the grounds of what will make YOU the most happy/comfortable, not your friends. They asked you, they wanted you to come - they will be happy that you came, although they might be concerned if being there makes you miserable - but you need to worry about YOUR feelings, not theirs.

[DoreenLethal]

Well, that's not at all sexist and stupid is it? To paraphrase yourself: Where the fuck do you get your ideas from?

From all the nonsense spouted on here. A spa is not THE answer. Having your nails done - sheesh. The OP likes getting out and about, not being cooped up in a stuffy sweaty spa.

[Headofthehive55]

I think you are me!

I'm the one who sits reading heavy textbooks on holiday to learn something.

Do whatever makes you happy.

I too would find it a waste to stay away for a night from my family. I'm currently debating a wedding invite ( adults only) and it's a duty call (family wedding) and I'd much rather have the night in with my family.

[lighteningirl]

You agreed because you wanted to step out of your comfort zone, they invited you because they like you. Take a breath and go there will be parts you like and bits you don't but you will have followed your instincts and stepped out of your comfort zone and generally that's good.

[velourvoyageur]

aw, OP, you're great as you are and you don't need to do this if you don't want to. Is it likely you'll enjoy it? Doesn't sound like it. Maybe you need some low pressure one on one drinks with one or two of these people instead.

I used to push myself to do stuff and I'm still really terrible for cancelling on people, but I'm definitely much more happy with the fact I'm a loner now. There's been lots of nights out where I've come back and thought, well I wasn't bored exactly, but then I wouldn't have been bored sitting alone in my room drawing and in fact I'd have preferred that. Doesn't mean I don't like company but I just need very little of it if I don't actively like and enjoy the person. Whereas I think a lot of people need human contact and aren't as fussy as me.

By the way I didn't think you came across as someone who feels superior, more as someone who needs to work a bit on their self confidence if anything.