To dislike it when people take too much credit for their excellent life choices

[colourdilemma]

And are judgemental of those whose don't come up to scratch by their standards?

I don't think there are actually many of us who can claim huge credit for things that have gone well. More, I think those who are okay, settled, financially stable should be thanking their lucky stars that they had any of the flowing leg ups that made them able to make choices in life that worked out well:

1. parents who valued education
   
2. living in an area the had good schools
   
3. having parents who were emotionally stable enough to give them confidence and support
   
4. having a parentsl household income in childhood/early adulthood that let them take risks and or stay in education
   
5. having good enough physical and mental health to get through school/training/education
   
6. having academic/emotional ability and aptitudes for so called "good" jobs
   
7. meeting the right friends/partners
   
8. not having anything go disastrously wrong job wise/financially
   
9. having a crystal ball
   
10. a lot of luck
    
    I could go on. Personally, I have a degree, financial security, a stable family now and a job that I can earn well in. But if I track my "success" back I would be better to describe it as a very precariously balanced, sometimes nearly disastrous series of part chosen, part chose me events. Isn't everyone pretty much the same?
    
    This strikes me as why the tax credits debate is so horrible and why I dislike the phrase "hard working families" so very much.
    
    And please forgive me if describing my position in the way I have sounds smug in any way; I do not remotely feel like that. I have long term mental health issues, my parents are a mess and I struggle hugely with parenting my three kids. So how b**y unfair is it that I seem to get away with it scot free because of some earning potential and financial independence?
    
    Somebody famous like Newton once said "I am standing on the shoulders of giants" about the research and scientists that went before him and, even without getting into what a screwed up way this society chooses to judge success, I think anyone who has this "success" should think carefully about where it came from. Hard work, absolutely, but others work hard and don't enjoy the fruits so much.

[dodobookends]

YANBU. My parents early in their marriage had an unexpected opportunity to buy a large house (it was split into flats and they were living in one of them). They had enough for the deposit, but had been saving for a car and used the money for that instead.

If they'd bought that house I would now be a millionaire several times over.

[howabout]

Sarah does that make me just plain reckless in marrying a mate knowing he had a deteriorating health condition? Do I get demerits for my unwise choice or plus points for the fact that I can "afford" him and our 3 dc anyway?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

OP, do you not think there is any truth in the saying 'the harder you work, the luckier you get'?

This is what I think to that statement.

[Whatthefoxgoingon]

dodo but how do you know that they would've kept the house, then given it to you in its entirety? What about inheritance tax?

If my parents leave me all their assets, I will be wealthy (millions). But I cannot take any of it for granted, it's not my money and there is no guarantee of any of it!

I could also get hit by a truck tomorrow.

[colourdilemma]

I guess the difference for me in the reason for striving for things, which I have done and do, is that I know that hard work is required in all but a minute, irrelevant number of cases to get anywhere. It's just that I don't believe not working hard should be used as a reason why some are worse off. Without some advantages (not all ten of my op points for everyone, of course, and I certainly can't claim emotionally stable parents) and sheer bloody mindedness is a trait that some have and some don't, the hard work won't get you anywhere. And hard work that brings rewards is hugely satisfying; when it doesn't, not so much. I genuinely believe that being able to work hard is a quality that comes from somewhere, some are fighting to keep the advantages they have and some to get away from their background.

I guess humility is the key for me.

[DeoGratias]

Most of all I would not want any mumsnetters to give up. If you decide there in point in aiming for things because you are unlucky and risks are not worth taking and you will fail or "people like you" cannot achieve X or you believe only the people who say you don't have XYZ in your life because of circumstances then you do yourself a disservice. Look at the immigrants around you in particularly one or two of whom are posting on the thread. Yes they might have had stable families but they came from nothing and made things happen. Let women more often seek to be the master of their own fate.

Upbringing is a key aspect too as are your genes. However even a bad start can be the impetous to work hard and do well whereas a molly coddled start can lead to some (not all) children taking life for granted and not doing very well as they don't have the ever present fear of poverty to scare them into getting on with things.

Lucy Kellaway writing in today's FT writes about how divorce after 2 or 3 decades can make people do so much better - suddenly you have that obligation again to earn a lot, seize every opportunity etc.

[zeezeek]

I come from an immensely privileged background - think minor aristocracy and big draughty country estates. I grew up in an idyllic part of the world with none of the financial worries that children in my neighbourhood were suffering at that time. My brother and I were educated at prominent boarding schools alongside other members of minor (and not so minor) aristocracy.

My hobby was dinghy sailing and, as my parents were well off enough to pay for the best instructors, I was very successful and at 16 well on my way to being in the Olympic team. I was also a keen diver and, along with my equally privileged boyfriend planned we spent our gap year sailing and diving in the Caribbean.

I was also lucky enough to be academic and was accepted for a science degree at Oxford. I went there thinking that it would be a pleasant way of spending 3 years of my life before the hard slog towards the Olympic gold started in earnest.

My boyfriend proposed to me on my 19th birthday. 3 weeks later he had killed himself.

I dealt with it by working hard at my degree and training hard. I had no help or support from my family, who seemed to see his death as some kind of insult to them. I was banned from discussing or mentioning it at home and he was effectively wiped out of my life.

Due to me working hard I got a 1st and was offered a chance to continue studying for a PhD with a new academic who had just moved to the UK from Sweden. He was much older than me, divorced with children who all lived in Sweden and were not that much younger than me and in the middle of a messy break-up from a brief relationship he'd had when he first arrived. I didn't think I would love anyone again, so it was a surprise when I did, with him. And he with me.

I continued to sail and my ultimate goal in life was still the Olympic gold.

Then I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and ended up losing part of a leg. I carried on with my PhD, I accepted my boyfriend's marriage proposal and we ran away to Vegas to marry. But my dreams of OLympic gold were over. Suddenly, irreversibly, over. I know I could have continued, maybe paralympics, but for me - it was over the day I lost my leg.

Instead I concentrated on my academic career. I'd been warned that I would probably not be able to have children and that there was a high chance that I would have long lasting medical problems from the cancer treatment - possibly even another cancer.

Over 25 years on I am successful. I am happily married with 2 DD and a good career. I still sail, but not competitively, but don't dive anymore. I was lucky not to have long term health problems from my cancer, but the chances of developing a new primary remains higher than average.

We are financially stable - due to my Trust fund from my grandparents; academia is not well paid so our lifestyle is due to the luck of others. Not their hard work as my grandparents lived a fairly idle life.

My children are happy and intelligent. They have stable family life with 2 parents and an extended family who love them. They attend a good, local state school and we haven't yet decided whether we will send them to the local comp or private. Either way, they are in charge of their destiny the same way as we were and up to the same point as we were.

The life I am living is not the one I thought I would. I never got that Olympic gold and my first love killed himself.

I'm not lucky or unlucky - a mixture of both.

I've worked moderately hard - there is more that I could have achieved in my life, but I made the choice not to pursue them.

My family background has protected me from the dire financial circumstances that others find themselves in - but that does not make me better than them, only more privileged....but then, cancer is a great leveller.