Aibu to feel a bit resentful re their childhood?

[HamishMacTavish]

I was the only child of older parents (ivf baby) who were 45 and 47 when I was born - I'm 25 now.

They are good people and the benefit of their age was that I had a secure, comfortable childhood with nice things etc but was not spoilt... They are baby boomers and although pretty well-off due to some good decisions, were pretty traditional parents and v good bargain hunters! Charity shops all the way

Anyway, all good but I remember being jealous of my friends with their young, cool parents and fun days out during the holidays. My mum in particular was a big believer in kids having opportunities and signed me up for everything in sight: after school brass bands, karate, swimming practice, which was great in hindsight but there was pressure on me to agree to all of this and just do it; at 9, I would have loved a simple day out or a meal out with the family (waste of money!!) or eg a light-hearted friends day out.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I love them a lot but feel a bit jealous for the type of childhood I sometimes hear about on here or saw first hand with my school friends. Genuinely fun things to do, letting children be children.

My mum would lose her rag quite quickly when I was growing up and again was from a different era; when she got angry, she would lash out at me (not abusively but impulsively, so not ideal). There was pressure put on me when she was annoyed with my dad for some perceived slight to toe the party line and not "upset" either of them - I honestly think that that they had no idea kids could pick up on a bad atmosphere, but believe me I could!

Neither of them had close friends in our area due to moving around a lot for my dad's job in the early days, so weekends were spent inside the house reading with them doing odd jobs around me, taking me to activities that I secretly hated but my mum insisted I attend for confidence (!) or going on protracted family walks which were boring and a trial for everyone. Fun wasn't a thing!

I hope I'm not going to ge flamed for this. They were good parents and did their best but I hope I'm a bit less neurotic than my mum, a bit more calm and less inclined to taking my moods out on my children. Aib to think it's nice to plan things solely for the "fun" with your child, to relax before they grow up and life isn't as light-hearted anymore?!

[StarOnTheTree]

YANBU OP

I think this is what we really need to hear as parents raising children now. Often we think we're doing the right thing but it's not always the best way to do things. Society often has us feeling like we have to do things 'because otherwise our children will suffer' so we arrange endless stuff as that's what all the other parents are raving about or the media are saying that we need to do.

Then we lose sight of what children really need which IMO is a some of what the OP is saying that she missed out on. I love days out with the kids, even more so when we go with friends and their children. It also dilutes the tension that can build up when we're all cooped up at home.

[HPsauciness]

I think the thing is, none of the feelings you have are invalid, but I do also think having children yourself may moderate them slightly. It's not really about intention- your parents probably didn't set out to give you an un-fun time, or to smack when at the end of their tether, but that's what happened. Similarly, you will have ideals of how you will parent which involve you being calm, not smacking, being fun and so on, but the reality is that it is very very difficult to achieve this all the time, with life, stress, your own emotions and that's why people tend to fail, not because they have poor ideals.

Setting out to be different is a good thing, but it can also have unintended consequences. I think children now are really demanding in a way they weren't 40 years ago. I had a party the other day for one of mine and found the children, though all cute in their own ways, demanding and pushy as well as not a little rude in their demands (I don't like this, I want that). These are not young children.

Perhaps child-centric child rearing has its downsides as well.

There's nothing wrong in setting out to do things differently though, and calm and fun are good things to aim for as long as you don't beat yourself up if you end up shouty and not-fun sometimes.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

cantucci01 you've missed your calling with the Samaritans.

[cantucci01]

touche - sorry if you found it unkind. I was trying to say move on and be present, it was meant to be kind. Wasting your life mulling over the past isn't living your life. But yes, I'll sign myself up today!

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

God, I used to yearn for a childhood just like yours OP - safe, secure, loved. Mind you, I yearned for any childhood but mine, tbh. But yanbu, it is all relative and you're perfectly entitled to look back at the grass on the other side and wonder if it had been greener.

I know I've taken a lot of stuff from how my parents raised, or rather failed to raise us. They did very well in teaching us what not to do cheers mother.

[HamishMacTavish]

Aw how lovely contessa, yes things like that are exactly what I mean You sound like you're doing a great job and I'm sure your dc will be very thankful for it one day (and indeed are now!)

Owllady and ratbag - how awful, I'm so sorry you had to endure those things I appreciate I was a damn sight luckier than the majority of kids in this world so I hope you don't think I'm "woe is me" about it, not at all, and ratbag, you sound like you're making a massive effort to make things better for your dd, good for you, she's very lucky to have you

darkbehind - well, it partly relates to their generation in that they grew up receiving such treatment and thus I presume were more likely to use it. But yes in a sense it is down to them as people too. I think my mum (as she used it in particular) knew that it was wrong and indeed hated seeing other parents use snacking as a parenting tool, which was pretty ironic! But I remember incidents (we've all got similar stories I know) such as being lost aged 5 or 6 in a shopping centre and her smacking me out of anger/panic/fear when they found me... I had been terrified, it was an accident and absolutely not down to disobedience... Which she knew. Similar incidents occurred throughout my childhood, she would give me a volley of snacks when she was angry if she was in a bad mood and I was being a kid and perhaps testing the boundaries or being "cheeky"... But this wasn't all the time, just frequent enough to remember it now and still feel the injustice.

Roundabout - point taken. They were both born right at the end of the period in question (mum c. 1946, dad before) but fine. Thanks very much for your advice and I truly appreciate your insights but am at pains to let you know I do get (or at least an trying to understand) how tough those years must have been, and totally accept that - even respect them for - the fact they did their best, and of course we are all by nature going to do things our children will one day resent us for I did find your post a little preachy at times though, as I have clearly said all this upthread and mentioned time and time again that they are and were good. What I am trying to do is be different. I am sure my children will one day resent me but the point is I'm trying to look at things from their pov too and be s little less authoritarian in my parenting. It's a fine line, though, I agree

[AtrociousCircumstance]

OP I think you spent your childhood feeling like you had to fall in line with everything your parents wanted without much for your needs, your mum lashed out at you, they didn't listen to what you wanted, there was tension and a bad atmosphere.

None of that is ok and just because childhoods can be much, much worse than that doesn't mean that you are BU.

YANBU. And I can tell you are trying to be ultra understanding of everyone else on here, to accommodate everyone else's feelings and experiences yet again to the detriment of your own. That is learned behaviour.

You are allowed to be fucked off and hurt. You are allowed to wish things had been different. You don't have to apologise for that. And you don't have to pretend things were better than they were to make other people feel better.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

without much space* for your needs

[hackmum]

YANBU. Of course there were lots of good things about your childhood. But it sounds like there were a lot of quite unpleasant things too. Your parents weren't abusive, and they loved you - obviously that counts for a lot. But it doesn't mean you have to be grateful for the ways in which they weren't great, or the ways they let you down.

FWIW, I think it's particularly hard if you're an only child (and I have an only child myself) that you don't have anyone to team up with and roll your eyes with when there's an atmosphere or when parents are being ridiculous. You really do have your parents' agenda imposed on you - no room for subversion at all.

I've never really seen the point in relentlessly focusing on the positive and pretending the bad things didn't happen. Sometimes you have to think about the bad things, reflect on them, work through them before you can move on to a happier place.

[Florriesma]

My parents are the same generation as yours op.
So I imagine if I feel theres generation gap you feel it doubly. We never set foot in a theme park. Ever. Or even Blackpool! It was viewed as a waste of money. I can remember looking longingly at leaflets about theme parks when we went on holiday. We usually had the traditional picnic on a wet beach instead
Consequently I'm reliving the bits I didn't do in my childhood now! And probably enjoying it just as much as I do things with mine that my parents would never have dreamed of. It wasnt a joyless childhood by any means just different.friends who had dp similar age to mine all had the same experience. We all used to laugh about the antics of our eccentric dp. Those who had cool younger dp would never have understood.
Anyway my dc will probably resentful over screen time limits when they're older so horses for courses and all that.

[HamishMacTavish]

Agree with all the posters warning about child-centric rearing, I agree, I intend to be firm but fair - not overly strict but manners are key and I want them to be polite and respectful

I just feel like my parents could see this "new wave" of spoilt kids growing up in the 90s and were so shocked by it that they decided they would go back to their own childhoods for inspiration. Doing their best for the kids meant doing stuff their way as they knew best, and not really listening to the kids. They had very clear ideas (especially mum) as to how children should behave and what they should do and didn't take (attempted, light ) rebellion well at all...

[hackmum]

Also, fun is a really important part of growing up. Just messing around with your friends and being allowed to do silly, pointless things. Much more important than having karate lessons, in my view.

[HamishMacTavish]

My dd is four months old private!! I have no doubt I'll make countless mistakes in the future and am confident therekl be bad times just as much there will be fun times... But I was just thinking today about how I can make her childhood fun if possible, I was an 11+ tutor for a number of years at uni and whilst I thoroughly admire the parents for giving their kids every opportunity (as indeed mine did), I'd love her to have a balance of time just being a child before the big old world hits her and she has to do this, has to do that, whatever. I want to give her at least the illusion of choice whilst making sure she's not some horrible spoilt madam... Will that be possible dyou think?!

Fwiw I was the swottiest, most polite child you could ever meet from the ages of about 6-16, then copped on a bit and normalised! so my parents must have been doing something right

[StarOnTheTree]

I remember arranging to take the DC swimming with a friend and her DC. She then cancelled because the children would just play in the pool and not do any lengths. Her DC were 8 and 10

I remember thinking WTF was wrong with playing in the pool with your friends?

[StarOnTheTree]

It is possible Hamish It doesn't have to be one way or the other, a balance is good. You can encourage your DD and make sure that she has some educational opportunities as well as ensuring that she has times to just hang out with her friends and have days out with you.

[HamishMacTavish]

Exactly star!! I completely agree, just silly things like that will be things your kids will treasure as they grow up! Being allowed to be children... God knows I'd love to do that now, not quite as socially acceptable at my age though! yay for dd and "being forced" to now have to do such childish activities

[Orangeanddemons]

I'm an older parent. I want to do fun stuff with my dd! but she doesn't want to do it!

[shazzarooney99]

Just dont do it, dont even go there, i spent a lot of time resenting my parents for many reasons, my mum and alcholic, my dad a manic depressive, my father we beat the shit out of my mother, take a belt to us or a slipper and we were left to our own devices whilst they sorted out my disabled brother, then when he died they were greiving and still had no time for us, then came all the constant mental abuse, there was lots lots more i could go into but im not.

I lost my mother last Friday and i now wish i would have been a hell of a lot closer to her than i was, i now wish i had not spent all that time being resentful, it sounds like youve had a good life, so look after your parents, there are probably thousands of children out there that are abused ect that really should feel like this.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

My PIL had their children young and MIL is firmly of the opinion that their own children/in laws are better parents than they were precisely because we reproduced much later and so are more settled in ourselves and patient.

[HamishMacTavish]

Am not at all saying my parents were worse or better due to their ages; its true that they were settled, I was obviously very much wanted and that they were winding down their careers; this meant that my mum was a sahm whilst my dad didn't have to work all hours and I never wanted for material comforts (well I wanted a pony and was never spoilt with "things" but didn't go without re the basics).

I also don't think v young parents would have necessarily been better or worse. Just commenting that they were two generations ahead of me and parenting practices had changed drastically during that time. A lot of my friends had grandparents just a little older.

My point is that I don't want my parenting to be either dated and old-fashioned (maybe a bit too "set in their ways") but similarly I don't want to overcompensate and spoil my children with a ludicrously indulgent approach...

[HamishMacTavish]

Just to clarify, I never actually got this pony, just trying to imply that there were healthy boundaries in place and I certainly didn't get everything I wanted (as it should be). I got the basics and of course presents but was always the kid who was gently teased at school for not having cool clothes etc, I was dressed like a bit of a 70s kid!!

[Darkbehindthecurtain]

well, you've certainly spent time angsting over the pony, not having the cool clothes and ensuring you'll be a far superior parent than your own awful parents were to you, so good luck with it.

[HamishMacTavish]

Jesus dark!!

I'm sorry if that's how I'm coming across but I'm pretty shocked that that's how your choosing to take my post...

But yeah, they were awful, terrible, abusive parents, I cry nightly about the lack of the pony and cool clothes, and I do fully intend to be the perfect parent to my perfect dd

Thank you so much for the good wishes

[HamishMacTavish]

I mean bloody hell.

They were good. They are good. My childhood had some fantastic elements and they worked bloody hard to give me these.

You are deliberately choosing to misinterpret what I've spent the best part of this thread spelling out: we all make mistakes, they made a few, I'll make a few. I'm hardly worse off for it.

Oh and are you my mother...?