Aibu to feel a bit resentful re their childhood?

[HamishMacTavish]

I was the only child of older parents (ivf baby) who were 45 and 47 when I was born - I'm 25 now.

They are good people and the benefit of their age was that I had a secure, comfortable childhood with nice things etc but was not spoilt... They are baby boomers and although pretty well-off due to some good decisions, were pretty traditional parents and v good bargain hunters! Charity shops all the way

Anyway, all good but I remember being jealous of my friends with their young, cool parents and fun days out during the holidays. My mum in particular was a big believer in kids having opportunities and signed me up for everything in sight: after school brass bands, karate, swimming practice, which was great in hindsight but there was pressure on me to agree to all of this and just do it; at 9, I would have loved a simple day out or a meal out with the family (waste of money!!) or eg a light-hearted friends day out.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I love them a lot but feel a bit jealous for the type of childhood I sometimes hear about on here or saw first hand with my school friends. Genuinely fun things to do, letting children be children.

My mum would lose her rag quite quickly when I was growing up and again was from a different era; when she got angry, she would lash out at me (not abusively but impulsively, so not ideal). There was pressure put on me when she was annoyed with my dad for some perceived slight to toe the party line and not "upset" either of them - I honestly think that that they had no idea kids could pick up on a bad atmosphere, but believe me I could!

Neither of them had close friends in our area due to moving around a lot for my dad's job in the early days, so weekends were spent inside the house reading with them doing odd jobs around me, taking me to activities that I secretly hated but my mum insisted I attend for confidence (!) or going on protracted family walks which were boring and a trial for everyone. Fun wasn't a thing!

I hope I'm not going to ge flamed for this. They were good parents and did their best but I hope I'm a bit less neurotic than my mum, a bit more calm and less inclined to taking my moods out on my children. Aib to think it's nice to plan things solely for the "fun" with your child, to relax before they grow up and life isn't as light-hearted anymore?!

[HamishMacTavish]

Katharine - I feel like my mum will be too! She absolutely adores small children and is very warm and loving with them. I think that with the rose-tinted grandparent glasses on (and of course being able to hand them back!) she'll be super indulgent and probably tell me off for not being just as indulgent The irony haha

Aw handbags, thanks, I really hope I do do that now! It's nice to hear you say that, I was getting a bit worried because lots of other posters seemed to be recommending activities etc. I definitely don't have the inclination or ability (!)!to be some kind of all singing all dancing Mary poppins but hope I can do that for them... God I hope I don't end up going back on this years later in one of those "what you said before you had dc" threads Good luck with your own future dc too and I'm sure you'll be fab

[LaContessaDiPlump]

My mum has turned out to be a wonderful grandmother though, she can be fab without the stress she felt when we were all small.

I agree with this. My mum was a horrible bitch when we were growing up and we couldn't wait to leave home. When I had my own kids she was able to be lovely to them and I felt irrationally really fucking furious at her for that. I make an effort to not be a bitch to my kids so why couldn't she have made that same effort with us?

Anyway. We'll never know how good a grandmother she would have been to older kids (she always preferred tiny babies and toddlers) because she died when they were 1.8 and 2.9. In some ways it might be better that I have nice memories of her being lovely to them rather than uncomfortable memories of her obviously favouring one over the other and them being old enough to notice.

I think we all try to be the better version of our parents, in one way or another.

[Treats]

I sometimes read posts about MNers who have problems with their parents and it makes me worry about how my children will judge me when they're older. My own mother was far from perfect, and - if I chose to - I could look back and be very negative about aspects of her parenting. I did judge her very harshly when I was younger.

But now I have a DD of my own and I know how much of yourself you have to give to parenting. As a child, I sefishly took everything my parents gave me for granted - both materially and emotionally - and even felt resentful that I didn't get more. Now I realise how much they gave me.

So I've struck a bit of a bargain with myself. Don't judge or resent my parents - give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they always did what they thought was best - and then perhaps my own children will be lenient in their judgement of me.

[manechanger]

www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm
my dad's favourite poem (and mine, spot on phil).

[HamishMacTavish]

Ha mane

My dads fave poem too!! V spot on

[MrsJorahMormont]

Look, you can reflect on it but you can't change your own childhood (much as we would all like to change different aspects of our childhoods!) so all you can do is change your own parenting. Only your children will resent you for ruining their childhoods only it will be for completely different things :o There are no perfect parents.

I do understand though OP so YANB totally U. Sometimes becoming a parent is what leads you to be more critical of your own childhood, even though you have a better understanding of the demands too.

[manechanger]

Ha, it's so true and as long as you go into parenting realising your kids will hate you for something but perhaps not the thing you anticipate it's all good. we are all fallible.

for the record i have four so I didn't take his advice. Just re read and thought might be a tad depressing for someone talking about their future kids!

[MrsJorahMormont]

And axekick your point about 'rewriting' things rings very true for me. I get very angry when my parents have rewritten events at times to paint themselves more favourably. When DD is old enough to hurl accusations at me I want to be able to take it on the chin and say yes, I got that wrong and I'm sorry for how it made you feel. Something my parents have NEVER been able to do.

[MrsJorahMormont]

Also FWIW I would have loved a childhood like yours - lots of opportunities, no siblings :o The reality was probably different of course, just as the reality of your friends' childhoods was probably different for them actually living them.

[Jw35]

Yanbu as this is your experience and your past and how it all affected you is personal. Of course there's worst childhoods (mine was) but that doesn't mean you can't have a rant. Get it all out I say and learn from their mistakes

[HamishMacTavish]

Agreed Mrsjorah! If ever I have discussed past events with my mum, she gets very defensive and huffily says "oh I hope your daughter says similar things to you one day" (cheers mum!) or trots out the whole "well it's very difficult being a parent".

I see her point but equally hope i can take criticism on the chin one day... I think my parents were very stuck in the belief that parents/adults know best whereas I think there is room for compromise, within reason! And definitely prepared to accept I don't know best don't have a clue most of the time

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Wrt rewriting: we make a point of admitting it to the DC when there's a argument discussion going on and it emerges that us parents misunderstood the initial situation - I always say 'Oh, I didn't realise that. Sorry DS1, I got it wrong.' It's obvious that he's starting to understand that we are admitting to an error and apologising, and fair play to the boy for not holding grudges (apart from the odd reproachful 'You got it wrong earlier Mummy, didn't you? Really really wrong' ).

I hope that we can carry on in this vein and that neither we nor him will view apologising as a sign of weakness. My mum definitely would have and I have to fight down the feeling in myself.

[Hullygully]

yanbu

you felt unheard and unfairly treated.

[SkyFoCrumbo]

YADBU ...in the nicest possible way!

You had a happy, comfortable childhood with loving parents.

Nobody is the perfect parent or has the perfect childhood. If you were well loved and provided for, count yourself very lucky.

[HamishMacTavish]

Aw thanks hully means a lot

I'm not trying to have a pity party by the way, I do recognise that I hardly had some awful childhood Thanks for people's lovely posts though.

Would be interesting to hear more about what other posters are doing with their children to give them a childhood they never had... Anyone else try to make a concerted effort to do just purely fun, enjoyable things with their dc (not necessarily paid for)? As I said this is my pfb so I hope I don't eat my words a couple of years down the line

So yeah at the risk of sounding spectacularly cringy how did/do/will you "make memories" for your dc? Without making them spoilt entitled brats obvi (this parenting lark is hard work...)

[HamishMacTavish]

SkyFo (LOVE the nn), yeah I appreciate that totally And I def don't hold any of these things against my parents, it's not a biggie, just a musing on what I plan to do

[Ratbagcatbag]

My childhood was awful, I don't have one happy memory. It was full of violence from my dad, sexual abuse from my uncle and a mum who let her husband throw her child down the stairs.
I don't see my dad (or uncle) any more, my mum I struggle with as she's a weak person, if my dad came home spoiling for a fight (he hit mum too) rather than take it, she's start saying things like "Ratbagcatbag swore etc" so my dads anger would head my direction. I was never allowed to be less than perfect, if I was told I was stupid (told that every day anyway) if I achieved anything it was only because my dad (in his opinion) made it so. My dad is a typical narricist, my mum weak and my brother the golden child. Life was shit.
I'm terrified my DD would have an awful upbringing and have had lots of councelling to help. Her life is full of fun, cuddles and me telling her I love her everyday. I figure from my childhood the only way is up

[Darkbehindthecurtain]

The point Hamish is not that you were 'lucky' to be whacked in the 1990s but that this is related to who your parents were, not the age they were when they had you.

[Owllady]

I'd have like having your parents :o I think it's a grass is always greener thing
Mine were young and selfish, they still are. I longed to have older, more interested parents!

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Anyone else try to make a concerted effort to do just purely fun, enjoyable things with their dc (not necessarily paid for)?

Yes!

I took DS1 to South Kensington and we sat in Pret and spent a happy hour spotting supercars - Lamborghinis, Ferraris, you name it. He still speaks of it fondly now

I often chase them around the living room pretending to be the Rock Lobster and pinching them.

We dance to YouTube videos.

DH wrestles with them every night before bedtime and then plays a card game with DS1 while DS2 sits contentedly on his back.

Every night we alternate bedtime stories so we get to spend quality time with each child.

I hope they remember these incidents fondly, 'cos I will.....

[Owllady]

I'm not saying all young parents are selfish btw, just that mine were. My father was domestically violent to all of us and emotionally abusive, we are no longer in contact thank God. It was always what THEY wanted as people though, rather than what was best for us. They did all that we are your friends bullshit too, when what we actually needed was someone responsible. My mum still views me as a younger sibling tbh, rather than her daughter. I often feel like I'm the adult in our relationship :( I love her Inc, but it's not an easy relationship

[roundaboutthetown]

Baby boomers your parents were not, if they were born during, not after, WW2, OP. It's entirely possible that from their perspective, they were giving you important experiences they missed out on as a result of being born during wartime (rationing also continued until 1954), whilst still being unable to get away from the make do and mend mentality instilled in them by genuine shortages of goods and services (and less of the general physical comfort we all take for granted these days). So their "failing" was probably, actually, partly due to their over zealous efforts to give you what their parents couldn't give them - ie to do things differently... whilst still wanting you to be prepared for the fact that nothing in life can be taken for granted. Do remember that when your children criticise you for your imperfect attempts to do things differently! You too are of a different generation from that of your child and there is no doubt whatsoever that he or she will think you got some things wrong, whether that be failing to prepare them for an increasingly difficult and overcrowded world, force feeding them sugary cake and giving them diabetes, not being generous enough with your money, or not saving your money to help them in the future... however good your intentions.

It genuinely is really hard working out how best to show your children love, give them security and prepare them for an unpredictable, potentially harsh world, whilst simultaneously overcoming all your own childhood-created insecurities so as never to send mixed messages, despite your own confusion over what sort of world you have brought your children into. From the way you write, I suspect your own child is still too young to be at school or be of answering back age. Good luck!

[Lynnm63]

YANBU. You are entitled to view your childhood as you wish. It was better than some but not perfect. Some people had horrendous childhoods and my hear goes out to them.
I like Larkins poem too. Parenting really is the only job where you're thrown in the deep end with no training and you won't know if you've done a good job for 18 years by which time it's too late for a do over.
Im an older IVF mum and im sure my dc could tell you stories to make your hair curl! The only one criticism I've always said would be unreasonable of my parenting was they were unwanted as no one who puts themselves through IVF has an unwanted child everything else they throw at me in future will probably be fair.
I definitely won't let them post on here!

[cantucci01]

I don't see the point of the naval gazing - if you feel it's made you dysfunctional, get counselling. Otherwise, why are you mulling over things past that you can't change? Your parents aren't capable of being anyone else, so they'll never get it really. It is partly your age, you want apologies for perceived sleights that will never happen. Best to be direct if they're doing things that upset you on an ongoing basis and then leave the rest of it. I have no axe to grind btw, my babies are too young to tell me what I've got wrong, but I hear a lot of this about my p from my sisters and we're getting to middle age now & I just think 'so what'?

[manechanger]

I think it was important that my kids were given a wide range of clubs and they do something organised every night. I want them to have a taster of physical clubs, music lessons so they can work out what they like. If I could squeeze in some martial arts and languages i would. I don't think this will give them good memories, I think this will give them a wide experience of life and what is possible. I'm lucky we have the money to do so (though my kids have never flown so we do local cheap holidays) they probably feel a bit like you did. I don't feel guilty!

the memory filled experiences will be playing board games together as a family and digging sandcastles in the rain. I learnt from my parents mistakes that its important to have a set bedtime.

now my kids are getting older i accept some of their point of view and have revised my plan to take them to an apple pressing during half term and am instead taking them to soft play followed by macdonalds. See - i bend.