Aibu to feel a bit resentful re their childhood?

[HamishMacTavish]

I was the only child of older parents (ivf baby) who were 45 and 47 when I was born - I'm 25 now.

They are good people and the benefit of their age was that I had a secure, comfortable childhood with nice things etc but was not spoilt... They are baby boomers and although pretty well-off due to some good decisions, were pretty traditional parents and v good bargain hunters! Charity shops all the way

Anyway, all good but I remember being jealous of my friends with their young, cool parents and fun days out during the holidays. My mum in particular was a big believer in kids having opportunities and signed me up for everything in sight: after school brass bands, karate, swimming practice, which was great in hindsight but there was pressure on me to agree to all of this and just do it; at 9, I would have loved a simple day out or a meal out with the family (waste of money!!) or eg a light-hearted friends day out.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I love them a lot but feel a bit jealous for the type of childhood I sometimes hear about on here or saw first hand with my school friends. Genuinely fun things to do, letting children be children.

My mum would lose her rag quite quickly when I was growing up and again was from a different era; when she got angry, she would lash out at me (not abusively but impulsively, so not ideal). There was pressure put on me when she was annoyed with my dad for some perceived slight to toe the party line and not "upset" either of them - I honestly think that that they had no idea kids could pick up on a bad atmosphere, but believe me I could!

Neither of them had close friends in our area due to moving around a lot for my dad's job in the early days, so weekends were spent inside the house reading with them doing odd jobs around me, taking me to activities that I secretly hated but my mum insisted I attend for confidence (!) or going on protracted family walks which were boring and a trial for everyone. Fun wasn't a thing!

I hope I'm not going to ge flamed for this. They were good parents and did their best but I hope I'm a bit less neurotic than my mum, a bit more calm and less inclined to taking my moods out on my children. Aib to think it's nice to plan things solely for the "fun" with your child, to relax before they grow up and life isn't as light-hearted anymore?!

[HamishMacTavish]

I'm very very sorry for your loss Shazza, how awful for you and your family I didn't realise the loss was so very recent and I'm sorry that you're going through this

You're right, I do need to tell them I love them more, we haven't fallen out thankfully but I will make sure not to let anything I've said here slip into real life and to support them more. It was a rant but I can imagine how insensitive it must seem while you're going through hell Sorry again

[rosenylund]

So sorry to hear your news Shazza, I can't imagine anything harder

[shazzarooney99]

Hamish you re saying my post sounds judegmental? where the hell do you get off? i have said my mother died last bloody friday!!!! and like you i harboured feelings of resentment, however mines were for much more valid reasons! although i did not say that in my post! and what i was trying to say was do not carry them through your life!!!!!

so judgemental? good god!!!! when your parents are gone you will have wished you diddnt have these feelings trust me!!! you would have wished that youd made up and helped them best you could!

[rosenylund]

Sorry I meant to add, when I think about my nana and great aunties with their blue rinses, tabards and brown tights, I do think look how people have moved on in terms of age - women used to be 'old' at 55 or even younger - my mum looks like Helen Mirren, has a six pack and swims for hours on a daily basis. Doesn't stop me worrying though :(

[rosenylund]

I understand where you're coming from, my parents are in their 70s - I was a surprise apparently. I'm 34 and my friends parents are significantly younger, I just worry about them dying soon now :( and sometimes wish they were younger so I was old enough and more mature to deal with that when it happens, even though it won't change anything. And really, losing a parent is always awful, regardless of your age.

My sister and brother are approaching 50 and I suppose I still feel very much the baby of the family, I only just started swearing in front of my brother!

To be fair they have both suddenly become aware of their mortality as the last six months have seen some of their friends pass away, along with younger peers like Cilla for example.

My mum had terrible pnd when I was born and it affected her greatly when I was a child. She often talks about how awful she felt. I love them dearly but if I ever have that choice, I hope to have children at an earlier age.

[MrsMolesworth]

OP, I think what you are doing is an essential part of maturing. You're processing and analysing how you were raised, evaluating it and making plans for how you might raise DC. It's a very healthy thing to do and you come over as very level headed.

I still, decades on, have days when I resent my father's perpetual anger. But then I think of what I know of his childhood, and how far he came. DH and I are rarely angry with DC, so we've progressed too.

If your parents had you late on in life, chances are they grew up in an era where physical punishment of children was really normal. teachers used to beat boys because they had had a bad day. Parents used to beat children for stuff like wetting the bed! they were coping with that level of brutality and the odd smack or yank of the arm was nothing at all in comparison. That's what I try to remember.

[KatharineClifton]

Hamish are you feeling the responsibility of having a child quite keenly atm? Is it this that has prompted your post?

I remember the almost overwhelming sense of having so much power to create/mould/push my children into being a certain way. It scared me. Like most folks here, and I more than expect you, we know about person centered care now - it's a norm. Which is the ideal in parenting.

Having children also made me utterly question the smacking - how could anyone raise a hand to something so completely helpless. I understand the stress caused my mum to behave in a way which she now very much regrets. So much so that I have to assure her it did us no long-lasting harm, and I understand why it happened. But there was a lot of violence and consequently fear in our household from my Father downwards, and I think that is something that does have a life-long effect. Can't tell my mum that though. But also a lot of happy. A mixed bag really, which is what most people would say I suppose.

Just babbling really but your post has really made me reflect again today.

[mellowfartfulness]

YANBU, Hamish. You're not condemning your parents and saying how awful they were. You're not saying you don't love them or don't want a relationship with them. You're just making a perfectly natural evaluation of the past, at a perfectly natural stage in your life to be thinking about this stuff - you're becoming a parent, so of course your own childhood will be running through your mind. It's an OK thing to think about! Not least because our upbringing pops up in our own parenting even when we don't expect it or want it to, so it's really sensible to consciously go over what we intend to do differently.

And yes, some of what you plan when your first child is tiny will turn out to be bollocks, because parenting is a massive learning curve. So what? You revisit your plans, you make changes, you understand even more of what your parents did right and what they did wrong. It's not as if you're tattooing FUCK YOU MUM AND DAD on your forehead. You're just thinking. It's allowed.

It's OK for people to feel critical of their parents. It doesn't have to mean hating their guts. You grow up, you recognise that your parents are fallible beings. You figure out that you don't agree with some of what they do or did, and that's how you start unraveling those particular bits from your personality and your world view. It's not a huge deal or a huge rejection, it doesn't mean the sky's falling or that you won't miss your parents when they're gone (ffs!). You can feel critical of people while loving them with all your heart. You're even allowed to feel critical of people after they die, imagine that.

[HamishMacTavish]

Thanks Shazza but I don't think I'll feel guilty for emotionally offloading in an anonymous Internet forum!! I'll probably be devastated about their deaths yes but better I say things here than to them. Also, I appreciate them as good people and only human on one hand, but on the other, yes, I do still carry a residual feeling of resentment at some of the ways in which I was treated as a child. As other posters have said I think it's possible to feel conflicted about it, there's no right or wrong and your post is a little judgmental...

[shazzarooney99]

Just be careful as those parents wont be there one day and you will feel incredibley guilty about your words!

[HamishMacTavish]

The things I said earlier do still stand but yes, it's important I recognise that I could have done a hell of a lot worse and that I'm lucky to still have them in my life. It's a bit strange because now I look at them and see them as these very kind, loving, decent people but then I'll remember certain incidents from childhood (which may or may not be inflated in my head due to how I interpreted at the time) and just think how could you? Eg re the hitting. But it's hardly caused any lasting damage and it's in the past. I need to give them a break I guess

[HamishMacTavish]

Thanks roundabout, that's a really kind post and apologies for having called you preachy - I can see your words weren't meant that way and you are right that I sound a little harsh towards my parents (and definitely did in my initial post).

The reason why my father isn't referred to so much in this thread is that due to his line of work, he lived away for a lot of the time I was very young (eg 6-11), so I don't remember his input as much as I remember my mother's. I think things must have been very hard for her in fairness, she must have been lonely and found it tough to solo-parent a young child in her own for weeks at a time with no physical or emotional support from her husband or other family members (who while lovely lived too far away to be of use).

In fairness to both my parents, they dedicated a hell of a lot of time, resources, support and of course (inevitably) hard-earned money to me as I was growing up, and still now in other ways. They are savers by nature and the good money they have they've worked very hard to keep and not squander. Im always at them to do nice things for themselves and enjoy their retirement but they're modest people and were/are very good to me.

Yes they flew off the handle every now and again but no one can fault them for their lack of care or attention, or the fact that they are very selfless people. Thank you for helping me understand this and you're right that probably natural qualities within me are reminiscent of my mother and will make themselves apparent in my parenting!

[roundaboutthetown]

OP, I do think it's great you want to try to be a bit more relaxed and fun-loving than your parents, and less volatile than your mother. My mother wanted to be more fun and understanding, and less angry, than her mother. In comparison to her mother she was, but aspects of her personality were the same as her mother's, so that inevitably came out, sometimes, along with some of the behaviours she was trying to suppress. I still had a very happy childhood and knew how much I was loved, and recognise how hard she tried to be the best mother she could be, and respect her for trying to change things in my upbringing that made her sometimes feel a bit negative about hers.

Unless you have a very different personality from your mother's, and a very different sort of partner from your father, I can't help thinking you will find your parents a little bit easier to understand as your own children get older and you really feel some of the things they felt and realise how hard it is to avoid all your parents' mistakes. At least you are going to try to protect your children from some of the less positive things you experienced in your childhood, rather than uncritically repeating them, and hopefully your children will recognise that and love you for it.

Finally, sorry if I sounded preachy, but tbh, in your enthusiasm to do things differently, you came across to me as being a bit harsh on your mother for being who she was and loving you in the way she did, and made your father sound like a bit of an irrelevance in your childhood. I know you keep trying to counteract that by saying you do think your parents were good and you love them, but having started the thread talking about resentment and focussing on why you feel resentful, it's quite hard to pick out what they did do right in your eyes. So long as you do, in real life, ruminate also on the things your parents did really well, what you liked about them and how much you do love them, I guess that's OK! And yes, definitely expect your mother to be a big softie with your children, so that they think you are the dragon in comparison - my mother does that to me! I don't think my kids believe she was twice the dragon I am when I was their age, and her mother was twice as fiery still!

[stoppingbywoods]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP.

I spent a portion of my twenties recovering from aspects of my childhood, which would be viewed by many as very privileged. It surprises me that acknowledging and dealing with the negative should be seen as self-absorbed and ungrateful by so many. It's true that thinking about what went wrong in childhood is an evaluative exercise, but you are not doing it to be judgemental. it doesn't mean that you are blind to what went right, or that you want to make you parents suffer for their mistakes. All loss and damage needs to be confronted head-on and mourned, however briefly. You will be a better parent for having done so.

[HamishMacTavish]

Thank you so much for that Maria

That's very interesting to hear, I agree that I'm being pretty Kevin the teenagerish and unreasonable about the activities side of things and I will try to be firm with my dd (and any future DC) about continuing things if they're enjoying them for the most part I think; v v true that this will be a good thing for them in the long run!

Thanks for understanding re the lashings out and I'm sorry you had similar again I don't mean to suggest they were abusive (in my case), just felt very wronged and aware of the injustice even when I was younger, and occasionally still do now. I know that children can be trying but just can't imagine wishing to deliberately cause physical pain to a little defenceless child?! I think sometimes my mother interpreted any perceived misbehaviour as malicious and reacted as if an adult had done it to her (armchair psychology here) whereas it was just normal childish testing of boundaries, and not knowing social codes. And so if she was frustrated or cross or angry I became a way of letting that anger out under the guise of punishment. She was always remorseful after and I never had injuries or anything but the act of smacking someone little is pretty humiliating: it physically puts you in your place, shows you who's boss and is pretty fucking scary. You just feel like you have no autonomy over you own body.

[maria543]

Dear Hamish, I think you have every right to feel horrible about the lashings out. I had the same and feel very angry about it now, particularly since I would never lift a finger to my own child and frankly cannot imagine how anyone has it in them. I just don't get it. So I am not repeating that pattern, I can assure you.

What I do think is that your point about being made to do all these things that you don't like is valid, as is someone else's further up the thread who says they were envious of people whose parents made them stick at things like music lessons or sports....

I don't know what's best. I am probably in the camp of giving up under pressure from my dc when they don't want to carry on with things, but in my heart, I know that sometimes, I need to be tough with them for their own good in the long run; for their future.

So don't be resentful for the boring activities, but do have a good rage about the hitting. That was unacceptable and in my view, unforgivable.

[HamishMacTavish]

Nataleejah - well the fact that you're both even aware of it shows it probably won't be a problem I'm very keen btw that this doesn't become an older parents bashing thread and don't meant any disrespect towards older parents! My oh is early 40s so funnily enough he is an "older parent" if that's the term people use...

[HamishMacTavish]

Fair point. And yes I can see why. But, ya know, I've admitted iwbu and held my hands up to that but doesn't mean I can't resent certain aspects of my upbringing right? Just because I got opportunities and a nice home etc, it doesn't mean that I can't look at the physical discipline/lashing out side of things and want to not repeat them does it?

[Nataleejah]

There's a significant age difference between me and OH. Its sort of legitimate to call him an "older parent" -- he's late 50s, i'm early 30s. However, he's very far from typical representative of his age group, and i don't think i could call myself "young and cool". I'm also pretty far from "norm" among my peers.

Will our kids cuss at us when they grow older? Who knows...

[Darkbehindthecurtain]

Of course it wasn't a personal attack! I just (personally ) have little patience with spoilt whiny behaviour from people because their childhood didn't look like a cereal advert.

[HamishMacTavish]

Sorry, above post was to darkbehind.

Thank you mrsmolesworth, really lovely thoughtful words and yes I totally agree with you. Iabu

[HamishMacTavish]

It certainly wasn't a personal attack on you though...

The older parents thing is just a fact. It's not personal, nor do I resent it per se. Just stating its not the norm and was providing it for context.

I have stated time and time again that my parents were not abusive so I'm not sure why you feel that I need to separate "actual childhood niggles" from it in my mind? Kind of have done already

I actually find your post (and indeed your posts on this thread) to be incredibly condescending. So what if I'm being self indulgent and navel gazing? I'm saying something I don't say in real life, I'm letting my thoughts out in a healthy way that can't hurt people I love and who love me, with all respect if you don't have anything to add except criticism... Erm don't keep posting on the same thread then to attack...

How can you compare being dragged around art galleries etc to being smacked? I'm upset and resentful about that treatment because it was unfair and sometimes even cruel. Not deliberately so, but nevertheless it was definitely ruling through fear. And yes, I'm sure if my friends received similar treatment, I still would have felt the same.

I'm sorry your parents are dead, I truly am, and I absolutely value my time with mine because they're not getting any younger so I will take that onboard.

But who are you, with all respect, to tell me whether or not I should feel resentful about something? I have made peace with things and acknowledge absolutely that for the most part they were fine and my parents are only human, just as I am. But to tell me to "grow up" - there's just no need, thanks, I'm a big girl yeah?

[MrsMolesworth]

It's natural in your twenties to be hypercritical of your parents, so YANBU. But neither were they. It's a massive mistake to take, piecemeal, good things from other people's lives and wish you'd had them. I bet you are looking at X from one person's life and Y from another's. If you studied one family in depth, then you'd see their failings were just as acute.

My parents never pushed us to stick at anything like music or fitness/sport. I have always been envious of people whose parents had the kind of love and foresight and interest in their children's long term happiness that they insisted on self-discipline and developing life long skills.

We never went for meals out either, and 'fun' often had to be gruelling as my dad thought we'd appreciate it more. (Go to the theatre, but be made to walk all the way there and back - about five mile round trip in dainty shoes that cut your feet, while being shouted at for being too slow.) Now, I take DC for meals out all the time. We got to the theatre a lot too, and I make sure it's not stressful. You can learn from their mistakes, but don't blame them too much. Think of what they DID give you: they made sure you can swim - a life saving skill, and play an instrument - instant access to a social life via a band or orchestra.

They were human, sounds like they had to be careful with money and chose to spend it on you in ways that would last. Not taking their side, just - don't be angry with them for not being perfect. You're not either. No one is. Part of maturing is forgiving your parents for being fallible human beings.

[Darkbehindthecurtain]

OK then Hamish, assuming you do want honesty, I do think your posts are coming across as incredibly naval gazing and self indulgent.

I will admit that the seeming-distaste with having 'older' parents got my back up somewhat: I understand that it was relevant to your post in a way but you do seem to fixate on it somewhat.

Other than the smacking, nothing in your posts stands out as being particularly terrible to be honest - my parents were a similar age to yours (dead now) - both born in the mid 1940s though I am ten years older than you - and I identify with much of what you mention, but there does come a point where you just have to separate irritating childhood niggles from actual damaging abuse, if you see what I mean.

I had years of being dragged around European churches, art galleries and museums which was dull, but it wasn't abusive. Your complaint about the smacking seems to be based around the fact your upbringing was different to your peers, not actual distress if you follow me. I could be wrong.

I'm saying this kindly but also firmly: grow up, accept your parents for the humans they are and were and acknowledge that while you won't make the same mistakes, you'll make plenty of new ones!

[HamishMacTavish]

I mean bloody hell.

They were good. They are good. My childhood had some fantastic elements and they worked bloody hard to give me these.

You are deliberately choosing to misinterpret what I've spent the best part of this thread spelling out: we all make mistakes, they made a few, I'll make a few. I'm hardly worse off for it.

Oh and are you my mother...?