Aibu to feel a bit resentful re their childhood?

[HamishMacTavish]

I was the only child of older parents (ivf baby) who were 45 and 47 when I was born - I'm 25 now.

They are good people and the benefit of their age was that I had a secure, comfortable childhood with nice things etc but was not spoilt... They are baby boomers and although pretty well-off due to some good decisions, were pretty traditional parents and v good bargain hunters! Charity shops all the way

Anyway, all good but I remember being jealous of my friends with their young, cool parents and fun days out during the holidays. My mum in particular was a big believer in kids having opportunities and signed me up for everything in sight: after school brass bands, karate, swimming practice, which was great in hindsight but there was pressure on me to agree to all of this and just do it; at 9, I would have loved a simple day out or a meal out with the family (waste of money!!) or eg a light-hearted friends day out.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I love them a lot but feel a bit jealous for the type of childhood I sometimes hear about on here or saw first hand with my school friends. Genuinely fun things to do, letting children be children.

My mum would lose her rag quite quickly when I was growing up and again was from a different era; when she got angry, she would lash out at me (not abusively but impulsively, so not ideal). There was pressure put on me when she was annoyed with my dad for some perceived slight to toe the party line and not "upset" either of them - I honestly think that that they had no idea kids could pick up on a bad atmosphere, but believe me I could!

Neither of them had close friends in our area due to moving around a lot for my dad's job in the early days, so weekends were spent inside the house reading with them doing odd jobs around me, taking me to activities that I secretly hated but my mum insisted I attend for confidence (!) or going on protracted family walks which were boring and a trial for everyone. Fun wasn't a thing!

I hope I'm not going to ge flamed for this. They were good parents and did their best but I hope I'm a bit less neurotic than my mum, a bit more calm and less inclined to taking my moods out on my children. Aib to think it's nice to plan things solely for the "fun" with your child, to relax before they grow up and life isn't as light-hearted anymore?!

[HamishMacTavish]

Oh sorry flanja, I dd of course mean nokids.

Fair point contessa - my post really isn't meant as a dig though. I'm the first to admit they were good. I just feel like there's a difference between doing the best for your child and press-ganging them into self-development opportunities at the age of 7 They forced me to go (which is fine now as I'm a self sufficient grown up with good qualifications etc) but just don't think that's always the most sensible route to go down!

Perhaps similar parents could look at their own parenting methods? Not saying it's bad, just sometimes a little in advisable and more about the parent than th best interests of the child

[nokidshere]

I'm not sure age is relevant though. I am an older parent and I don't micromanage my boys, I don't insist they go to family outings just because it's something I think they will like, I don't arrange lots of activities or days out. We just go with the flow really and let them try things when they ask or do things as a family that we all enjoy. Home life is pretty calm on the whole.

[BurningBridges]

I think I might go against some of the posters so far - its sounds suffocating and miserable, and what about her mother lashing at out at her? OP is only 25 so its not even as though she was born in the 50s/60s etc when physical punishment was the norm.

I was an only child in an unhappy household, my parents were in their early 40s when I came along - although my mum died when I was 13 so things got very much worse very quickly. I still don't look at the OP's life and think hmm how lucky. How is it lucky to be forced to go to every after school club and activity under the sun when all you want really is a day out in the park with your friends?!

You can be stoical about it, you can be respectful of how their lives were, you can reflect and put it behind you, deciding to do things differently yourself, but you certainly don't have to be grateful!

[Aliceinwonderlust]

I do think you need to remember that your children will reflect back with a list of complaints too, they'll just be different. it's not your parents, it's just what people do.

It was incredibly important to my mum to be a sahm as her mother had gone out to work and she was what was known in the 70s as a latch key kid. Mum stayed at home with me and my siblings and I was bored all the time and used to wish I could go to nursery or even boarding school so I could do lots of activities rather than sitting round the house all day. I go to work; my DC will probably stay at home because their childhood with a working mother was so crap it's just the way.

[fearandloathinginambridge]

YANBU to take a view that you would do things differently to your parents. My mum sounds similar to yours, I used to hate all the bloody activities and I was never allowed to quit something I didn't enjoy - there was no discussion she "didn't raise quitters" which is all very well but there are better ways of teaching tenacity.

I did set out to be less rigid than her and in particular to let my ds feel as though he has choices and power over his own life.

Funnily enough my mum was only 25 when I was born but my dad was 40. He was far and away more fun and easy going than her, easier to talk to and more open minded.

[Indantherene]

Op your parents are too old to be baby boomers. Don't know why you felt the need to add that.

They sound like normal parents, perhaps more interested than usual but that isn't a bad thing.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I understand that op (I'm 34 with two little ones and they both detest educational opportunities, so I wouldn't be offended anyway)!

I just meant there are more parents on this forum aged 40 or over than you'd find on average in RL and so they might be a bit 'Pardon?' when they see a post from someone who was also a child of older parents seemingly commenting on their age in a negative manner - it opens the horrifying possibility that their own kids may think like that. I don't think you meant it as a general criticism at all though.

[HamishMacTavish]

Thanks nokids.

Yes, age is irrelevant, I was just saying it for context - ie some of their parenting was perhaps from a different generation or reflected how they had been treated.

Yes, I plan to do similar as you're doing and ask my child what they would like to do eg at weekends. With me it was more of a oh you're going to such and such a swimming event which I physically dreaded, but felt duty bound to go to. Obviously there's worse things but then years later they suggest that they gave up their lives for you to have such and such an experience and there's an element of hang on, I didn't want to go Would have loved to have a tea and cake day with my mum for example but that was seen as frivolous, just want to enjoy simply spending time playing with my dd if I can, that's all

[Darkbehindthecurtain]

Well, to put things into context a bit, if mum was 45 when she had you, and a cool younger parent 25, then you'd have been born in the 1970s when you would definitely have been whacked, at school as well as at home, and so would your friends.

I think things have become increasingly child centred now - good or bad thing; I'm not sure? - but all we can do is try not to repeat mistakes.

[Janeymoo50]

I kind of think that all of us (ok, most of us) could probably find something (or a lot of things) we could be really unhappy with about our childhoods (especially those with traumatic childhoods). I wished I had a dad when I was little (luckily got one when I was 9 but he died when I was 16). I wanted a pony too - never got one. It sounds to me that you were a much wanted baby - what a lovely, lovely thing. I guess the best way forward is to do those things you feel you missed out on with your own little ones at some point in the future hopefully.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think a balance of activities is needed, or your DD will be all like 'Mum you never took me ANYWHERE, everyone else did AMAZING things and I was stuck having cake with YOU'

Just warning you. I do sometimes wonder what my boys will berate me for when we're all older

[diddl]

I don't think that YABU.

Some kids probably would have loved what you were able to do.

But if you didn't want to & were made to then I think that that is quite sad tbh.

[HamishMacTavish]

Um no they're not indan!! They were both born in 1944-45!! I have knocked off/added on year here and there for anyonymity!

Weird post

They're hardly fair off, I used that detail as context, ie the baby boomer generation are more inclined to be savers, whatever. Just so people knew what generation I was referring to, their parenting styles were obviously influenced by treatment they had received themselves and quite strict I guess

[TremoloGreen]

Of course your feelings are valid. You don't have to be ashamed because some people had it worse than you. What matters is whether you dwell on them and allow them to colour your relationship with your parents today. It sounds like it doesn't too much(?) It is good to learn from our past experiences and use that to shape how you behave with your own children, in fact that is very healthy.

FWIW, my parents were also older and they had a very different way of doing things to mine, or what would be considered acceptable today. The teenage years were very rough as they were very authoritarian and it affected our relationship for a long time. I think they did their best though. When you talk about your parents having unreasonable expectations of your behaviour as a child, that is really not uncommon, and I still hear things like that all the time from modern, young parents, so it's really good that you are aware of it and trying not to do the same with your own.

If you feel upset about anything that happened during your childhood or are really struggling to get past it, looking into some counselling might help you reflect and move on in a positive way. Counselling doesn't just have to be for those who suffered terrible traumas, it can be used as a prevention as well as a cure. If you think you would benefit from say 6 sessions to really get yourself to a healthy space, you may even be able to find someone who has a focus on family relationships and can help with any feelings you have about parenting yourself.

[KatharineClifton]

A lot of your post resonates with me Hamish but instead of being a singleton there were lots and lots of us!

This 'I hope I'm a bit less neurotic than my mum, a bit more calm and less inclined to taking my moods out on my children' is exactly how I feel and try to parent. I'm far from perfect obviously so don't always achieve it when I have raging pmt! There's still enough structure as required by age, but also a lot more 'just being' as well. I wasn't allowed to do sleepovers at all. Complete ban on them.

[HamishMacTavish]

Thanks for the posts, all of them.

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad, Janey, that's terrible.

Laughing a bit to myself about comparing elements of my childhood to not having a pony though Ha, yes i wanted one too! I hope I don't sound like some spoiled "oh but i wanted a pony" child!

Also interesting about how I should count myself lucky for not having a cool young mum in the 70s when physical discipline was everywhere. Oh lucky me ey only getting smacked in the 90s!! Jeez

I have readily admitted so many times that nothing I had was that bad so maybe the "YABvU count your blessings OP" posts are a bit much.

It's not so much the opportunities element I'm complaining about, more about my parents' natural emotional thermostats... And the galling element that they only did things for me and shouldn't I be so lucky! Which I am, but it's all a bit like emotional blackmail

[KatharineClifton]

My mum has turned out to be a wonderful grandmother though, she can be fab without the stress she felt when we were all small.

[101handbags]

YANBU. I know how you feel. I often feel sad about my childhood, even though in truth I have very little to feel sad about. My parents were also older (many people thought my dad was my grandfather as he was, in some cases, 25 years older than my friends' dads) and we never went out anywhere or did anything that could be described as fun. My dad was very very strict, very critical & although my mum told me he was very proud of me, he never showed it. He cared only about academic success. My mum went out with her girlfriends almost every weekend leaving us all alone with dad. I do remember the joy I felt when mum had a night off from going out with her friends and took us to the cinema or for a meal. I feel bad for what I would say to them (wishing my friends' parents, who always invited me out with them, could be my parents). I admit that, like you, I was (and still am...bad, I know..) jealous of the childhoods that my friends had. I don't have any children, but I must say that if you're planning lots of things with your children which are purely for fun...well, it sounds absolutely brilliant to me. Lovely for them to look back on & remember.

[diddl]

I was born in the 60s & wasn't smacked as a matter of course.

I do remember being given warnings that it would happen if I carried on.

That was generally enough!

As for being whacked at school-it was a rare occurance at primary & not done at the all girls grammar that I went to!

[HamishMacTavish]

Tremolo and Katharine, really really lovely posts thank you.

I definitely don't dwell on it but interesting about preventative counselling, after all we could all benefit from using elements we didn't like that much from our own childhoods and trying to change them for our own kids

Absolutely agree with the mix between "just being" and activities, def important to have done structure and don't want them to be feral little brats

[rainydaygrey]

"Well, to put things into context a bit, if mum was 45 when she had you, and a cool younger parent 25, then you'd have been born in the 1970s when you would definitely have been whacked, at school as well as at home, and so would your friends."

I was thinking this OP, my mother was 25 when I was born and I am now over 40, so I probably have parents from around the same generation as yours IYSWIM?

Certain things about your childhood sound very similar to mine - organised activities (though not many, just one each at the moment) + mooching/entertaining ourselves while parents got on with stuff around the house.

Funnily enough I am now an older parent myself and am bringing my kids up in that same way . No whacks though (illegal where I live) but we also do meals out and the occasional day out. And yy to tea and cake, one of life's essentials if you ask me!

But anyway, as others have said, YANBU to have the feelings that you have. Personally I think it's a good idea to try to get to the stage where - and I realise this is exactly what you're doing - you can acknowledge your parents as people who did their best, rather than putting the 'blame' on their age/generation/anything specific. Parenting brings up so many feelings and memories in my experience, it's only a good thing that you've been reflecting on your own childhood and what worked/didn't work for you.

[Fizrim]

I would certainly agree with the building memories aspect - we have far more disposable income than my parents did (one benefit of being older) and we do a lot of days out and seasonal activities.

I was a bit of a serial quitter myself - I'd do something for long enough to get the uniform and then 'I don't like it ...'. To my complete surprise, my own DD is the exact opposite and never gives ANYTHING up, just adds things on!

It is an interesting topic - I'd like to think that we all take the best bits of parenting and add some extras of our own on.

[Axekick]

I had a very up and down childhood. Mum suffered from depression. We were under pressure from my grandparents to keep it under wraps.

I won't go into detail, its long. Anyway, I don't hold any of it against her. She tried her best and I know she did. I do get annoyed a bit as she tends to rewrite history as though alot of it never happened, until I remind her that i actually remember something.

My point is that yanbu to want to do somethings different. Yabu to thing anyones childhood was perfect and you would have been any happier had they have done things differently

We all have shit bits and good bits. I do things differently to my parents (massively so) but I also accept my kids will probably wish I had done somethings or not done others.