To think that it's ok that I didn't bond with my son straight away?

[guajiraguantanamera]

Just that really! It's taken me 5 months to feel a deep bond with my beautiful ds and while I feel guilty about that sometimes, there must surely be other mums out there that felt overwhelmed at the start and struggled to bond a bit! Or aibu??

[Mrsjayy]

Yanbu i think that bonding face on tv programmes is actually relief the baby is finally out i had a tonne of stuff going on with dd1 it was just hard took me awhile to bond with her i cantremember exactly but it was months

[jonrotten]

I bonded immediately with ds, thought he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen the second he was born.

The first couple of days with DD, I just remember thinking how ugly she was. I didn't feel the same and felt so shit about it.

After the first few days I fell in love with her, but it wasn't instant like ds.

[MissEeerie]

I didn't bond with my DD until she was 2 (PND). She's 9 now and we are extremely close.

[Iloveonionchutney]

It took me at least 12 weeks to start to feel a bond, I had a fairly traumatic birth and I think that contributed too. It's a new situation and it takes a lot of getting used too, I'm due again in 3 weeks and am hoping it will be easier this time, but not expecting an instant bond.

[MaccaPaccaismyNemesis]

Took me ages, struggled with pg, birth was shitty and made me prolapse/incontinent/fat/miserable. Couldn't bf. Felt like I was treading water for a long time. There was no rush of love but a gradual move towards it and now I'd move heaven and earth for my lovely boy.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Of course it's ok! It took me 2 years!! DS2 adored his father from the day he was born, and quite noticeably rejected me whenever he was around. Fortunately I was able to spend 6mths off work with him when he was older and we now have a lovely bond.

[MimiLaBonq1]

It is absolutely OK. I didn't have any sign of PND or trauma, especially with my second birth which was as straightforward an ELCS as you could wish for, but I did take a good while to bond with both my kids. The first about 5 or 6 months and the second was a bit quicker.

The tiger instinct kicked in immediately - I felt protective of them both - but bond, or even real love? Happened slowly, like in many other relationships.

I agree with the pp - we are not supposed to say it, and I have raised many eyebrows by saying it - but we don't all get the rush of love at the beginning.

Give yourself a break, and look forward to the many years of love you will share. And he won't remember this, or be affected by it in any way at all.

A friend mentioned just before the birth of my first: don't panic if you don't instantly love the baby. It will come, give yourselves time to get to know each other.

I often thought about that advice those first months and am so grateful that I had received it.

[LadyDeirdreWaggon]

My mum came to stay when DS was about 4 weeks old and I cried when she was leaving because I was jealous she got to go home and not have a baby It took me months to feel bonded, in hindsight I probably had a bit of pnd. I would move mountains for him now.

[Hoppinggreen]

I had a mc at 12 weeks and then got pg by accident 1 week later so I can had very mixed feelings about being pg. when added was born I was taken away for retained placenta surgery pretty quickly and missed Dd's first feed, nappy change etc ( DH did it instead). I didn't really bond with Dd until she was about 1 but she's 10 now and we have a brilliant relationship.
I bonded immediately with DS, which made me feel even more guilty really but Im mostly over that too now

[guajiraguantanamera]

That is how I felt for a long time, macca, like I was treading water, just coping, keeping him alive, doing all the things I was supposed to do, but not getting anywhere!
I don't know if I had pnd but I spent most of those first weeks crying in my bed, then putting on a brave happy face whenever I saw friends/family. I resented how my life had changed, I missed all the time my partner and I used to spend together, just the two of us. But I sm starting to get used to it being "the three of us" now, and dare I say it, enjoy it.

[jeanmiguelfangio]

5 months for me too! I had a screamy refluxy non sleeper and I felt like death. I adore my DD now, but its really bloody hard, and everything tells you that as soon as your baby arrives you love it endlessly and the world is all roses, but it really isn't!

[Biggles398]

It took me way longer than 5 months I think!
I Loved being pregnant, and heard so much about how mothers feel this huge rush of love the first time they see their baby, but all I felt was that I missed my bump!!
I felt guilty (especially as when she cried, she wanted me!), a failure and all sorts of other feelings. I remember being in a complete mess when a friend had their baby a good few months afterwards, when she told me she loved her newborn already "sooooo much", because I just didn't get it.
Even now, it makes me upset when new mums say similar things!
If you have a nice HV, it's always worth mentioning it to them. I didn't until I broke down on her when LO was about 1 (at which point she also started welling up as she felt so guilty that I hadn't said anything!!)
Anyway, DD is now 8 and I don't know when it happened, but it did - I adore her, and would move heaven and earth to support/protect/be with her!!

But please don't feel like you're on your own, because you really aren't!!

[ShakesBootyFlabWobbles]

I took quite a while to bond with DD1. It was if someone had turned up and left a baby on the doorstep and I was just looking after her.

I spoke to my HV at about 4 months who asked, "Have you ever wanted to put DD in a cupboard?" When I was faced and said no, she told me I was bonded, I just didn't know it.

I never experienced that 'rush of love' with either child at birth; love them to bits now though and have no guilt about it. We are all different.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

I was like a robot for the first year, I didn't even feel the rush of love until she was six weeks.
She's 14 now and I adore her, would walk over hot coals etc.

[guajiraguantanamera]

Forgot to add, when ds was born I was so out of it from all the drugs, anaesthetic etc, I never got to hold him first- his dad was the first to hold him and that pissed me off for
ages. I know I definitely abu about that, but the whole time I was pg I dreamed about being the first one to hold my little baby, I was so upset that i never got to hold him until we were in the recovery room. I didn't get any skin to skin contact for hours, could this possibly have affected how I felt about him?

[Loki17]

This is a lovely thread. I bonded immediately, but had moments where I fantasised about throwing myself down the stairs so that I could be taken to hospital and I'd be able to sleep. It is reassuring to read about other people's battles and how they got through it. Cheers

[Hoppinggreen]

gujira see my post above , my experience was similar to yours

[Geraniumred]

I had c section and great trouble breast feeding. I was too knackered to bond and would have been grateful to anyone who took her away for a while so I could sleep. Probably took a few months of looking after her because she was there and I had to before I bonded.

[guajiraguantanamera]

That made me half smile half nod in sympathy, loki, I remember doing what felt like my millionth breast feed at 4am one night and I felt exactly the same! I would gave done anything for a few hours solid sleep!

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Loki I was rushed into hospital with sepsis when DD2 was 9 days old. The hospital did everything possible to ensure she could stay with me as I was BF-ing. I was silently praying someone would say it wasn't possible and DH would have to take her home and bottle feed her. No such luck.

[Dawndonnaagain]

guajira The birth of my first was so fucked up it's not true. The consultant was sacked about a year later. I had 42 stitches and severe pnd. He's 30 now and he's just nipped out to grab some wine to go with dinner tonight, as it's his drop in and see how the old bat is doing night! We have a fab relationship. He lives near, drops in and helps out all of the time. So, in a long convuluted way, I'm trying to say: it's all going to be fine!

[redexpat]

I felt very protective, and knew that i would take care on him but the love took a few months. No pnd here! I dont see the rush, youve got them for the next 18 years.

[AlphabetStew]

Yanbu, I had similar with DD. When she was born I definitely did love her and if I'd been asked about bonding I would have said that everything was fine but soon after she was 6 months I realised that my feelings had intensified and that now I understood about that 'rush of love' that people talk about. But I hadn't noticed it was missing until it kicked in.

Now I'm pregnant with D? (don't know the gender yet, that's not a typo) and have concerns about bonding. Normal stuff like 'will we bond?' 'will we bond straight away or will it be delayed again?' and silly stuff like 'what if I do have a instant bond with DC2? Is that unfair on DD?'

[guajiraguantanamera]

dawn I thought you meant your consultant was 30 now and bringing you wine- was very confused! Ha ha but I understand now

[HoopsAlot]

I don't even know how long it took me but it Definetly was not in the first 6 months, drugged up and sleep deprived and didn't know what to do with this wailing thing.
Yabu.