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AIBU?

to not want to say yes to relative asking to come and stay with us?

64 replies

Hellotherehowareyoudoing · 25/08/2015 18:31

A younger relative (on my DH's side) has asked to come and stay with us 'while she looks for a base', for 'a week or two' from monday. We have a spare room but our house is tiny (feels too small for the 2 of us and our 6mo DD), I am here in the day time with DD and hate the thought of someone else being here as well, and feeling like I can't just be completely relaxed in my own home. DH works long hours so it wouldn't affect him as much. I don't want to be cruel and just say no, but I am also really worried about 1 or 2 weeks turning into 3 or 4. There is also the financial implication of having someone else to feed/ hot water etc - I doubt any contribution will be offered. Oh I feel like a really horrible person for just wanting to say, no, sorry it's not convenient. But the thought of it makes my heart sink. I am so tired with DD waking in the night etc that I really, massively value totally chilled out evenings/ weekends with DH. I know how selfish I sound!
WWYD?

OP posts:

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dustarr73 · 29/08/2015 11:20

The baby has moved in to the spare room so no room now.

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SwedishEdith · 29/08/2015 11:28

I'd think about it with set terms - ie 2 weeks max, needs to help around the house - that type of thing. My instinct would be "No" but I read a quote the other day that's making me think - "If you can help someone, why wouldn't you?"

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Floisme · 29/08/2015 11:39

In your situation, I wouldn't like it either but I think it's pretty sad that some posters are already assuming she'll take the piss or even that she should have found somewhere to live before getting the job - in London?

Finding a footing is pretty tough for young people and I can't help thinking that this could easily be my son in a couple of years. So personally - while I wouldn't be thrilled - I would say 'yes' but put a strict time limit on it.

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Dieu · 29/08/2015 12:12

Some very cold and unobliging replies on here ... and talk about leaping to the worst case scenarios I hope none of you are ever stuck! OP, it could turn out better than you think. Entirely reasonable to put a time limit on it (you could say that you're decorating it and moving baby's cot in there in a couple of weeks) but NEVER ask a family member for money. Cringe ...

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sonjadog · 29/08/2015 12:21

I think you should let her for a week or two if you can stand it. If she lives far away it can be hard to arrange accommodation. Be a little generous in spirit to her. If you think there is potential for her sticking around and doing nothing while there, then make it clear that she has to do certain chores, be quiet after whatever time because of the baby, pay a contribution towards food, etc. In other words, don't make it too comfy for her.

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lastqueenofscotland · 29/08/2015 14:58

I did this for a relative. It was 2 weeks, after 11 weeks I ended up kicking him out!
Set a totally strict no budge time limit, set a financial contribution and make it vvvv clear from outset what's expected from them re cleaning etc. You can indeed say no!!

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DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 29/08/2015 15:07

If you don't.want her to stay then just say "sorry, it's really not convenient at the moment, we're sleeping in separate rooms and up all night with the baby, there's loads of accommodation on air bnb, I'm sure you could find something cheap and suitable on there".

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CalmYourselfTubbs · 29/08/2015 15:16

say no.
surely the fact that you have a young baby would be reason enough??!!

i suspect you'll never get her out of the house otherwise. she sounds like one of those kind of people.

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TheSpectator · 29/08/2015 16:21

You could give her this link - uk.easyroommate.com/ maybe she can find somewhere to live before moving but I don't blame you at all for not wanting her in your home for 2++weeks

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2015 16:59

I think you mentioned she's going to be working irregular hours? Have you any idea what she'll be earning? I'm just wondering how realistic her plans are for funding "a base" in the London area ...

I completely get the suggestions about letting her come with a time limit, but what then happens if she insists she'll be able to get that lovely flat/that better job if she can hang around just a little longer?

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hibbleddible · 29/08/2015 17:42

We had someone move in 'for a couple of weeks', come 3 months later he still hadn't even looked for somewhere else.

Say no!

Otherwise I can see this turning into a long term arrangement, and you becoming the villain when you try to put an end to it, rather than getting any thanks.

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Floisme · 29/08/2015 17:52

she sounds like one of those kind of people.
What kind of people would that be?

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Atenco · 29/08/2015 17:54

I think yes, with a time limit and tell her what the rules of the house are from the outset. Sometimes people have no choice but to call in favours.

I couldn't personally refuse because I and my daughter have had occasion to be put up by other people.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2015 19:09

Personally, I would just say no. And if I allowed a SHORT stay, I would definitely not ask for money, as this will likely make her feel more entitled to stay longer/not lift a finger/be loud because she's PAID and she's OWED what she paid for.

But really I'd just say no.