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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to say yes to relative asking to come and stay with us?

64 replies

Hellotherehowareyoudoing · 25/08/2015 18:31

A younger relative (on my DH's side) has asked to come and stay with us 'while she looks for a base', for 'a week or two' from monday. We have a spare room but our house is tiny (feels too small for the 2 of us and our 6mo DD), I am here in the day time with DD and hate the thought of someone else being here as well, and feeling like I can't just be completely relaxed in my own home. DH works long hours so it wouldn't affect him as much. I don't want to be cruel and just say no, but I am also really worried about 1 or 2 weeks turning into 3 or 4. There is also the financial implication of having someone else to feed/ hot water etc - I doubt any contribution will be offered. Oh I feel like a really horrible person for just wanting to say, no, sorry it's not convenient. But the thought of it makes my heart sink. I am so tired with DD waking in the night etc that I really, massively value totally chilled out evenings/ weekends with DH. I know how selfish I sound!
WWYD?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/08/2015 19:55

How did she think she was going to live, when she applied for and got the job? Did she ask you before she applied for it? I bet she didn't!

I'd just say the baby's up all night and you and your OH are having to sleep in separate rooms, but you need to go to the kitchen at night, so it would be hell for her. Sorry!

SanityClause · 25/08/2015 20:05

What about brightly saying, "oh, fabulous! I could really do with some help around the house. You can do the ironing, and the cleaning for me, while you're here. I'm so shattered, all the time, it would really help me catch up a bit."

Either they'll get the message, and pull their weight, or discover a "base" without having to stay with you.

(If they do stay, make sure you have a list of jobs they can do, every day. "Can I just get you to clean the bathroom?/hoover the stairs?/do the ironing?")

This could work well for both of you.

Skiptonlass · 25/08/2015 21:25

Set a definite time limit and get a monetary contribution.

This happened to a family member of mine - a couple of weeks flat hunting turned into 3 fucking years of the guy living in her spare room.

3 years...

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2015 23:25

Hustle say no from the outset, don't offer I week etc, as it could. We'll be difficult to shift her. Try the Mumsnet Classic, no sorry that doesent work for us.

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/08/2015 23:35

Two weeks is much too long. Either what Branleuse says or one week only (and no extensions - be clear on this from the outset and don't budge). We live in Central London and our place seems to be like a permanent hotel for friends who "need to come to London for work/shopping/appointments" and "oh it's so convenient if I stay with you as I can be at Harley Street/Parliament/Selfridges/my office in 20 minutes." I put my foot down now, and have been blunt enough to say to people "Can't you stay with someone else/in a hotel this time? This week is not convenient for us."

amarmai · 25/08/2015 23:45

is the YWCA a possibility for her ?

Radiatorvalves · 26/08/2015 00:01

BIL stayed with us for 18 months. We have a bg house and no baby but it got on my wick hugely. No rent, hardly any wine...and the tight wad was on £100k.

Just say no!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 00:04

Just say no and save yourself the hassle.

Poppyclock · 26/08/2015 00:07

Say you're really sorry but no, you'll feel bad for five minutes which is better than being pissed off with a houseguest for a month!

Mermaidhair · 26/08/2015 00:26

Only you know op if she is taking the piss. If you know her to be genuine, and a nice person then I think I would let her stay.

recall · 26/08/2015 00:41

Say the Midwife doesn't recommend you having guests during the first 3 months while you are trying to establish a feeding regime ?It's a shame it wasn't earlier or later, but this is such critical time. Could she not come in 6 months instead ( obviously not )

Onedirectionarestillloved · 26/08/2015 09:10

I would do as Branleuse suggests.

A friend of mine was asked if a relative could stAy with them whilst he moved into the same town. He told my friend that it was just until he found a job and then his wife and dc would follow and they would of course get their own place.

Several months later he is still there.

Turns out his wife has left him.

My friend is not happy at all and has t old the relative he has x number of weeks and then simply has to leave.

coconutpie · 26/08/2015 09:27

You have a 6mo - I would be telling relative that no it's not convenient. I wouldn't even put the relative up for one night - it's not a close relative and your house is too small, never mind that you are up doing night wakings.

If DH kicks off about it, then remind him that he'll be off day while you are stuck entertaining this relative of his after sleepless nights so it is not his decision to make.

florentina1 · 29/08/2015 08:57

I would keep it really simple, "I am so sorry but we are really not able to accommodate a house guest at this time. I am sure you understand. Good luck in your new job"

You really don't have to offer any explanation, and I would not offer to meet her at a later date.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/08/2015 09:08

I disagree with asking her for money - not ok in the circumstances IMO. You have to do her the courtesy of honesty - just tell her that you'd find it too stressful in such a small house with a tiny baby. I do think that you're being quite un-generous in your assessment of her though - it can be horrific finding a rental in London, and frankly however 'nicely kept' your house is, I doubt that hanging out with a family in the suburbs is her idea of a great time.

fuzzywuzzy · 29/08/2015 09:16

I wouldn't do it, especially as you know her well enough to know moving into her own place will not be a priority.

Lj8893 · 29/08/2015 09:20

Don't do it!! We had dhs younger sister stay with us, was meant to be for a month tops and was more like 3 months. It was awful and has definetly tarnished our relationship with her. Never mind the extra cost!

My cousin had a similar arrangement with her sil a couple of years ago, they have only started talking again in the last couple of months!

AyeAmarok · 29/08/2015 09:35

The baby waking through the night is a perfect excuse not to have visitors staying for all that time.

Littlef00t · 29/08/2015 09:41

Do you know anyone who would be happy taking a lodger for a short period of time? If you could mitigate your 'no' by saying you have a friend in the area who has space and is willing to rent out their room for x a week on a week by week basis, that might be a massive help.

I can imagine it's hard to find somewhere when you're looking at paying so much for a hotel each night.

Birdsgottafly · 29/08/2015 09:44

I've had young relatives stay, given the housing/benefit/job market, it's going to be what's expected of famies, as far as the Government is concerned, we should be putting each other up.

I've always, made it clear that they haven't been invited, as such, do they are an equal member of the house in regards to their own housework and food/bill budget.

I also, put time limits on.

lemoncordial · 29/08/2015 09:55

Yabu. You're being a bit mean. If you have a spare room then you saying that it feels too small for you and your dh is a bit precious. I have a 12 month old and she shares our room. The idea of having a home like yours with an unused room is a massive luxury compared to me home.

I totally understand that you don't want sa long term house guest. But I think giving her a 2 week time limit would be fair.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2015 10:54

lemon just because you have a spare room, does not make you a free for all. Op house, op entitled to decline. I would, especially if you know that it will be difficult for them to leave, despite time limits being put into place. Some will just flout them, and take the piss.

Rachel0Greep · 29/08/2015 11:06

No, I wouldn't do it, and there is no small baby here. I think if you know her, and know that a week is likely to stretch, all the more reason to say no.
Any bit of downtime, I imagine, is precious, with a small baby in the equation. If it was someone you or your husband were particularly close to, maybe, but, in this case, no.

YANBU.

wickedwaterwitch · 29/08/2015 11:06

YANBU - say no. You don't owe her anything.

goldglittershitter · 29/08/2015 11:13

Branleuse has nailed it.

Good luck, OP!

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