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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my inlaws to stay while they have their house boat built

134 replies

rf1990 · 02/08/2015 21:36

basically my OH parents have sold their house and are staying in a caravan whilst they have a boat built but they can't stay in the caravan for 6 weeks over November and December because of the park rules. We have a two bed house and our DD will be just 1YO in October. The problem is they also have 2 Labradors and we have 2 cats it just seems a bit much for a small house. They've said the dogs will be in the caravan in the day whilst they are at work but they want them in the house overnight so they aren't left alone. They have offered to give us £1000 for the inconvenience of it all and DH has obviously already said yes as it's his parents but I'm the one that's home all the time while he's at work and I just know they'll want to spend anytime they have with DD and I'll get less time with her, so me and DH are arguing now as I can't say no but am really unhappy about it all AIBU?

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 03/08/2015 08:26

Im with the first comment.

No fucking way.

Lashalicious · 03/08/2015 08:29

No need to explain to dh or pil why it won't work, it is obvious to all that have an ounce of brain. As Calm says "No is a complete sentence." This is not an emergency, they can take their money and pay for accommodations like most people. I can't believe they think it's ok to move in 2 adults and 2 dogs into a 2 bedroom house that already has 2 adults, 2 cats, and a baby! AND not even ask you! Absolutely not, the end. Stand your ground, OP! If my dh did that, he'd be reversing his decision quick, doesn't matter that he already said yes, that was his mistake. The answer is NO.

juneau · 03/08/2015 08:31

What hours do your PIL work? If its FT then my advice would be different and along the lines of yes, they can stay, but the dogs have to go in kennels. I wouldn't have two stinking labradors in my house every night. And they DO smell. My aunt breeds them so I'm well familiar with the greasy dog smell of her house!

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/08/2015 08:31

The dogs will traumatise the cats and they will shit and piss everywhere (or even pack their bags and leave home). The PIL are unlikely to be able to leave their dogs in the caravan during the day - if it's of the sort where they can't stay for six weeks, they probably won't be able to leave the dogs there either.

I agree with others - an out of season holiday let is the way to go. And £1000 should cover that nicely.

LazyLouLou · 03/08/2015 08:32

OP had it right all along.

She is NBU as they are not her parents. But her DH was also right to say yes, as they are his parents.

It will be hell, OP will resent them being in her space, with her child, her time, her everything.

But her DH will be doing what he fells he should to support his parents with his space, his child, his time, his everything.

It is best to get the rows done and dusted now, OP. That way you will both be able to support each other through the six weeks. Your DH will have to accept that you do not love his parents in the way he does, that you think of them as close strangers. You will have to accept that he loves them the same way you love yours and he is comfortable in doing this (yes, I am assuming a lot there, I know).

What you really need to get sorted, right now, is that this is a one off. They will not be coming to you every year for those six weeks. No way, not ever! They must get something more sustainable in place. Mind you, after this year I would assume that everyone will be on the same page, anyway!

Icimoi · 03/08/2015 08:34

Apart from the dogs, I don't really see what the problem is. It's for six weeks during which they will apparently be out working on weekdays. The only other objection you raise is that you will have less time with dd but honestly, does it really hurt for you to hand her over to her grandparents occasionally? After all, plenty of mothers of children that age are out working full time. To be honest, in November and December I would regard it as a total bonus to have babysitters on hand automatically whilst I flog round the shops Christmas shopping, and it would also give you and DH an opportunity to go out together sometimes.

I would suggest DH persuades them to investigate kennels for the dogs and maybe use at least some of the £1000 for that.

Wolpertinger · 03/08/2015 08:34

Her DH was definitely not right to say yes as they are his parents. It isn't his property to say yes or no on, it's his AND the OPs.

Personally I'd say no, I might be persuaded to a yes but definitely no dogs. But seeing as he didnt ask first, it would be a no.

GreenishMe · 03/08/2015 08:38

OP I think the differences of opinion here are based on feelings towards their own PILs - some like their PILs, others don't.

If you're fond of them it might be just about bearable but if you don't like them very much now, you'll despise them (and your DH) by the end of six weeks.

We can't choose our PILs - we either genuinely like them or we tolerate them. To me it seems that your DH and PILs are the unreasonable ones here, but as it seems as though as it's already a done deal I think, for the sake of your sanity, you should make your own groundrules very clear.

Then when it's over you can all go (with the cats) and stay with them in their new houseboat for six weeks can't you? I'm sure they won't feel in the least bit inconvenienced.

happystory · 03/08/2015 08:39

Agree with all those that have said the dogs will upset your cats greatly, even the smell of them when they are not there. We had a puppy here for ONE DAY and our not-particularly sensitive cat took weeks to recover.

VulcanWoman · 03/08/2015 08:42

What about a B&B.

redshoeblueshoe · 03/08/2015 09:03

Ici - why on earth should they use the money to pay for kennels ?
The PIL's sold their house. Its not like they got evicted - they planned this - or just didn't think it through properly.
I also disagree with pp who said people are projecting if they don't get on with their own PIl's, no its the 4 adults, 2dogs, cats and a toddler in a 2 bedroom house. Also if the caravan site is closed in November and December I bet its not open in January of February. We are not talking about 2 old vulnerable pensioners, its 2 healthy adults who are both working. DH ignoring you and putting his DP's above you and your DC could do very serious damage to your relationship.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 03/08/2015 09:05

I think YABU a little bit, in the grand scheme of things it's only 6 weeks out of the rest of your lives. Yes, inconvenient, yes, a pita with dogs etc BUT they have given a token amount for that reason IMO. If for any reason you and your DH were to find yourselves in a similar situation would they return the favour? Do you generally get on with them? You need to weigh up all the pros and cons and put things into perspective in practical terms aside from the short term inconvenience and lay down some ground rules for them to stop or prevent frustration, conflict etc.

StaceyAndTracey · 03/08/2015 09:09

Can I just check - the terms of their lease are that they have to vacate the caravan for 6 weeks ? But they are allowed to go there twice a day , before and aftre work, to leave / collect the dogs ?

And they will be leaving two Labradors in a caravan for , what, 9 hours, while they are at work ? Really ?

I wonder if they have checked that this is OK? Because it woudo be a shame if they discovered a few days before that it's not allowed . And you will have two large dogs to care for 10 hours a day for 6 weeks

redshoeblueshoe · 03/08/2015 09:18

Yes Stacey I totally agree - there is no way they can take the dogs to the caravan, the caravan park is closed. They won't put the dogs in kennels - that would cost more than the £1k they are offering the OP.

diddl · 03/08/2015 09:21

" it's only 6 weeks"

It might be 6wks of OP being expected to cook for two extra adults.

Even if not, unless you all get on very well, 6wks of them there every evening...

Do they both work FT?

If so, the dogs might be better off in kennels.

Surely a dog walker would be needed?

Lavenderice · 03/08/2015 09:22

Would you do it for your parents?

HazelBite · 03/08/2015 09:27

I think this is perfectly fine and reasonable, providing of course that you have a decent relationship with your PIL's, however I would insist with your DH that the dogs go into kennels for the duration, or go to a dogsitter (check with your local vets).
When my son and his wife come to stay with their labrador, she does tend to "fill" the room, even though she is impeccably behaved and ignores our cats. Two labs in a small house, with two cats is could cause more problems and upset, than even the vilest IL's could!

PerspicaciaTick · 03/08/2015 09:27

I'd be tempted to waive the £1000 and ask them to put it towards kennel fees instead.
And have some clear house rules up front, presenting a united front with DH.

Minicaters · 03/08/2015 09:29

It's a big ask but I like to think that in extremis my parents or in laws would let us stay for a bit without shrieking "are you on glue?" etc etc. And likewise we'd accommodate them and be vaguely hospitable if they needed it, even if we secretly wished they were elsewhere.

However the dogs would be a big issue especially as you have cats. I think I would grit my teeth and welcome the in laws, not accept the £1000 apart from a contribution towards food, but say the dogs would need to go to kennels (which would eat up a big chunk of the remaining money, possibly even all of it).

Sigma33 · 03/08/2015 09:30

My thoughts were based on the fact that if I found myself in need of somewhere to stay for 6 weeks, I would hope my family's reaction would not be 'go and find a B&B'.

I would be happy if they set out their ground rules, rather than have me try to guess what they would want, and then find out that I'd guessed wrong and done the opposite.

Some cats are fine with dogs, some aren't - the OP doesn't say. If hers aren't, then one ground rule would be the dogs don't go there.

Both my grandmothers lived quite a long way away, so when they came to visit it would be for a couple of weeks at a time. One brought nothing but stress and tension, one was lovely and we all enjoyed having her to stay (though no doubt not as a permanent arrangement). I have no idea which category the OPs PILs fall into - and that is the crucial question surely?

Sigma33 · 03/08/2015 09:32

It seems a bit weird that anyone can say definitely yes/no for the OP - surely it's a matter of exactly what her concerns are, and can they be managed?

meddie · 03/08/2015 09:34

I couldnt do it. I would be tempted to take that £1000 and get myself and my baby the ho;iday let for 6 weeks and leave him to cope with having his parents and dogs in the house.After all he agreed to it

thunderbird69 · 03/08/2015 09:36

In-laws staying - a pain but if they are paying their way and I assume offering free babysitting, then maybe it is worth it.

But dogs staying when you have cats - noooo way!

aprilanne · 03/08/2015 09:45

when i was a young woman in my twenties i would have thought why not .now i am in my middle forties i would say no bloody way .i would be heading for a divorce lawyer but then i detest my mil she is the biggest cow ever .and why should your pets be harrased because they are being selfish .

SuperFlyHigh · 03/08/2015 09:50

the cats will love it -not-- for the cats' sakes I say no. I suppose it'd be hard trying to find accommodation to accept 2 boisterous labradors. also what would they be like around your young DD? no way on this earth.