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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so gutted about losing out on this break?

128 replies

JammyGem · 28/07/2015 07:56

Was supposed to be going to France next week to meet DP's parents for the first time. It was going to be a nice break for us both as well as things have been a bit tough recently for both of us.

DP told me last night thatched doesn't want me to come with him anymore. His parents are quite ill and he doesn't think they'll cope. Which.is completely fair enough and I understand completely, but I'm so gutted.

I'm being selfish I know, and I hope his parents get better. But I'm so disappointed - I really wanted to meet them, I wanted to get on with them, and I wanted the break away from everything.

I'm on a zero hours contract so put myself as unavailable for the two weeks, and now the rota is set in stone so I'm missing out on work when money is tight enough as it is. I can't afford to do anything else so I'll be sat at home for two weeks.

I'm being so selfish but I'm just so upset. Tell me I'm being unreasonable so I can feel better about it all.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 28/07/2015 10:51

I reckon he's got a second family or something over there.

For gods sake, Drama Llama, much?

How about his parents actually aren't well and don't need a houseguest for a week???

WayneRooneysHair · 28/07/2015 10:52

Yeah I think some PP are adding fuel to the flames.

onedayiwillmissthis · 28/07/2015 11:00

this sounds really crap for you...where are you?...we camp regularly and could probably help lend you some basic equipment. maybe others on here too...1 week...we could do thisSmile

InTheBox · 28/07/2015 11:05

I reckon he's got a second family or something over there

Christ on a speedboat! I think I've heard it all now!

I agree with OhahIlostmybra If they're ill and communication will be an issue then it's probably best all round that you sit this one out. It's perfectly reasonable to feel a bit put out but don't let this cloud your thoughts.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 28/07/2015 11:08

I am wondering whether he has messed up with booking your flights, or something like that, and doesn't want to admit to it? As it does sound a bit odd to U-turn so suddenly at the last minute.

I suspect also that part of the reason you are hurt is because meeting his parents feels like a big relationship step to you, which now won't be happening for a long time (if at all). It does have an element of making things more official/showing he sees it as a serious relationship, so you are probably questioning why that now won't be happening any time soon.

I also agree you should DEFINITELY still get either your flights, or the money back, and still have some sort of break if at all possible - either do the camping thing in France as suggested, or get the money back and book something you fancy in the UK (yes it IS possible to have a lovely time going away on your own in the UK, or you could travel to visit friends or something like that).

Original poster
JammyGem · 28/07/2015 11:09

Thanks for the offer oneday, I'm in Reading.

I'm into work now so can't post for a while, but thank you to you all for being so lovely. I know it's for the best for his parents but I can't help feeling gutted about it.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 28/07/2015 11:20

Get the flight money back or do as a pp suggested and go camping on France. You sound like you really really need a break.

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2015 12:13

I was with my DP for six years, he was my DP despite not living together.

He made it clear to his family that this was the case, so I was treated as family, not as a guest who needed entertaining.

Likewise I have treated my adult DDs Partners, the same.

He is a Boyfriend and one that would see his financially struggling (to put it mildly) GF, out of pocket, when he could change things, by assuring his parents that the OP does not need the status of "guest".

His parents are in their 70's, I'm late 40's, my GM, my Mum, I and probably nearly all of you, will be having to still work full time, if there is work.

He should of, at least, reimbursed the OP.

OP, if you were to move in with him, as a Partner, then he could of guaranteed the rent, very different if he described you to his LL as a co-tenant, or lodger.

"There's something bothering me/not sitting right" (your phrase), because there isn't.

Ignoring and advising him until you feel a bit better, isn't the way to handle this,

Is this and not moving in together the only "blibs" that you have honestly had?

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2015 12:14

"Work full time in your 70's", that should of read, it isn't old and unless they've recently moved, "the heat", is a non issue.

BolshierAyraStark · 28/07/2015 12:54

I didn't actually call him a twat wayne, read the post. Not much of a reach though considering he has told the OP a week before they are due to go when it is quite obvious from her posts that she needs this break & can't afford an alternative, not to mention using 2 weeks on leave when she could've worked-clearly it's lost earnings she can ill afford...
Hardly the actions of someone who gives a shit.

BadLad · 28/07/2015 13:04

This was us - we had booked to visit my parents, then one of them became very ill mentally, and didn't want us to go at all. In the end I still went to lend support, but my wife didn't. She had met them a few times before and got on fantastically with them, but on this occasion it was agreed by all that it would have just been too much for my parents to worry about entertaining a guest. We just had to suck up the flight, although I made sure it was me that had less disposable spends for a bit, not my wife. Things are better now. I hope nobody in my wife's family and circle of acquaintances was stupid enough to think I had a second family. Sorry you can't go and hope your in- laws are better soon. You won't look like an idiot at work - it's just one of those things.

UrethraFranklin1 · 28/07/2015 13:11

I think people are being rather harsh on the boyfriend. The likeliest explanation is that his parents have said they don't want to have a guest for a week. They are elderly and ill and both undergoing tests, if they were a woman posting on here about being expected to have a houseguest they'd be told to say no way!

I appreciate OP needs a break, but not at the expense of a pair of frail, ill and elderly strangers suffering in a heatwave who don't even speak the same language as her. Most posters don't seem to have considered them for a moment.

HazelBite · 28/07/2015 13:17

As previous poster has commented when you are not well the last thing you want is an unknown houseguest.
At the moment I am laid up and the last thing I would want is someone staying at my house who I had never met before. It would stress me out no end and I would be upset about someone using my bathroom. kitchen etc if I have not been able to maintain my usual standards of late.

The OP.s DP has no hidden agenda here he has asked by his elderly parents to not cause them stress, he is their son they can accept his prescence but not a strangers,

OP you are being VVU

mugglingalong · 28/07/2015 13:26

If he was willing to reimburse you would he be willing to give you that money towards a pitch at a campsite in France. You get to go away, practise your French and maybe pop in to see parents one afternoon but otherwise have a nice break from home. It is easy to do nothing on a campsite in France! The municipal ones are generally v cheap although fewer facilities.

youareallbonkers · 28/07/2015 18:29

Your flight is paid for use the money you were going to use for food and excursions to find a cheap b&b

Original poster
JammyGem · 29/07/2015 09:09

He gave me the flight money back by slipping it into my birthday card this morning.

I didn't realise, apparently he's very upset because he really wants me to go with him, it was his parents who (understandably) uninvited me, and he's pissed off they left it so late to tell him.

Looking at prices and stuff I really can't afford to take the flights and do something else over there. I guess it's just two weeks of staying on my own here instead, and maybe use the flight money to go on a day trip somewhere, although seems kind of pointless when you're on your own.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 29/07/2015 09:35

It may well be that his mother's health (or his fathers) has taken a more serious turn in the last week or two - you say his mother has been in and out of hospital getting tests?

Maybe they need some private time with their son to talk about this and don't feel it would be something they could do with a guest there?

I agree too with P&P that if this was someone on here saying their were being expected to host a stranger during illness/after childbirth everyone would be up in arms for them Hmm

ButterDish · 29/07/2015 09:47

As someone with elderly, unwell parents and ILs abroad, I can entirely understand the situation from both the boyfriend and his parents' pov, tbh - things can get distorted by distance, and when you don't see elderly people often, you're reliant on what they tell you on the phone about their health and spirits, and its not always true or accurate. Plus it's possible they've been hinting about not wanting a house guest for a while, but he didn't pick up on it on the phone until this late stage.

DH and I are at least lucky in having been together and knowing both sets of parents for over 20 years, but I can imagine the difficulties if it was a new relationship.

It's hard on you, OP. Is there no way you can convert the flight money into some kind of inexpensive holiday for yourself? If I unexpectedly had a fortnight to myself but no funds, I would walk the Pennine Way or another long distance path with a tent. Which may not be your bag, obviously.

FunnyNameHere · 29/07/2015 09:47

I'd spend these 2 free weeks working, or looking for work. £70 a month to live on is awful.

Lots of shops and cafes around here (I'm near you) are looking for staff. Could you get a second evening job? Or just hit up EVERY job site around and apply for EVERYTHING. or go to Wokingham library - they're running free CV workshops.

I believe in Fate, and feel you can totally turn this upset into a positive. At the moment you sound like your world revolves around your DP. You'd be happier with more friends, your own interests, etc. Spend one day in bed watching TV, eating all your favourite ice creams, etc... Then spend the rest of the break pounding the pavement and looking for a smashing new job. I know you've been looking, but I think you'll find something this time. There has to be a celestial reason for this. Fate wants you in Reading...

musicalbingo · 29/07/2015 10:04

+1 for FunnyNameHere's idea.

What struck me from your post is how much your job is holding you back in several ways and you might have a better quality of life/be able to achieve more of your dreams/ambitions if you had guaranteed hours/better paying job.

Two weeks uninterrupted time is actually a lot.

FWIW...
I hate doing my CV even though interviewers often compliment me on them it's just a nightmare. I make it easier by doing it in chunks.

In your shoes, I'd start the CV on Friday evening (at this stage a rough outline and I make notes about key achievements/responsibilities etc. it doesn't need to be perfect I just get it down), revisit on Saturday (this is the editing bit where I reword it all so it sounds super professional) and then have a browse for jobs in front of TV.
Final edit of CV on Sunday and shortlist some more jobs. Then you are ready to the ground running on Monday.

Dowser · 29/07/2015 10:10

Such a shame not to be able to use your flights. All you need is somewhere to stay.

Do the parents not know a friend who could rent you a spare room? Pitch a tent in their garden ?

If they knew someone like that at least the two of you could be together. If everything is really good between you I certainly would be looking at creative solutions.

I'm not elderly but often unwell and It it would stress me out on those days having a stranger in the house so yes his parents are entitled to their own space.

But I can't understand your DP not looking at other ways round it. If it was me I'd suck it up and pay for a b and b for the two of you. Or a campsite. It's your holiday time and it means a lot to you.

I think he needs to get cracking and sort it. He's not going to have much fun looking after sick relatives without a lit bit of dalliance with you.

I can't see the problem here. Rather than paying two weeks for accommodation cut the visit to one week and have a week stay cation at home.

Sorted!

marchart · 29/07/2015 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hooliodancer · 29/07/2015 10:25

I know it's quite short notice now, but what about house sitting in France? If you Google there are a few websites. We live in an area where people pay to go on holiday, yet have paid housesitters. It's worth a try!

Could you ask your parents for a little money to pay for a campsite in France? The flight will just go to waste if you don't take it, so use the money he reimbursed you for a campsite. Maybe he could lend you a bit extra as well.

I don't think staying with his parents would have been much of a break by the sounds of it, as he will be looking after them primarily.

Charley50 · 29/07/2015 10:30

I think if you look online the first campsites to come up might be the more expensive ones. But there will be affordable ones. Your boyfriend could camp with you half the time. You can buy a cheap tent in Lidl or similar over there. It's doable! Go for it. So much more mentally and physically refreshing than two weeks at home.

googoodolly · 29/07/2015 10:30

It sounds like a tough situation all round. I would use the flight money to treat yourself to something nice - shopping trip, day out, spa treatments, new books or whatever you want. You deserve a break and some time out, so make the most of two weeks off work and try and relax - even if it just involves sleeping and chilling out at home!