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AIBU?

to be so gutted about losing out on this break?

128 replies

JammyGem · 28/07/2015 07:56

Was supposed to be going to France next week to meet DP's parents for the first time. It was going to be a nice break for us both as well as things have been a bit tough recently for both of us.

DP told me last night thatched doesn't want me to come with him anymore. His parents are quite ill and he doesn't think they'll cope. Which.is completely fair enough and I understand completely, but I'm so gutted.

I'm being selfish I know, and I hope his parents get better. But I'm so disappointed - I really wanted to meet them, I wanted to get on with them, and I wanted the break away from everything.

I'm on a zero hours contract so put myself as unavailable for the two weeks, and now the rota is set in stone so I'm missing out on work when money is tight enough as it is. I can't afford to do anything else so I'll be sat at home for two weeks.

I'm being so selfish but I'm just so upset. Tell me I'm being unreasonable so I can feel better about it all.

OP posts:

Report

paxtecum · 04/08/2015 05:47

Go and enjoy the change of scene.
Make yourself useful when you are there and all be will well.

HMSmostleaky · 04/08/2015 05:34

What about saying that you'd love to go and meet them but as they have been unwell the two of you were thinking it might be nice for the two of you to go visit (insert touristy place a couple of hours away here) for the weekend in the middle of your stay so they can have a few days without the two of you there. You could bill it as a romantic birthday gift from DP to you. You could leave early on Saturday and stay over night then come back Sunday after dinner so they wouldn't have to cook for you that day either and it would only cost you a cheapy hotel for one night and some food.

...??

Ouchbloodyouch · 04/08/2015 04:35

What epilepsy and pp's said.
Have a great time

Epilepsyhelp · 03/08/2015 21:41

Christ OP you have not been selfish, ignore the miserable bullshit from posters who do not know you. You were put in a massively difficult position and you didn't impose yourself at all, it wasn't even your idea to still use the plane ticket and stay elsewhere, it was someone on this thread! Please do not feel down about any supposed 'self-revelations' it's just judgemental shite from people hiding behind their keyboards.

Summergarden · 03/08/2015 20:54

It's all sorted now, so try to just enjoy it. Guilt is a totally wasted emotion so push it away.

It's a good chance to get to know his parents and it sounds like they are much better now.

Have a good time.

BovrilonToast · 03/08/2015 18:22

I don't think it was selfish - you were diasppointed, FGS... Most people would react in a similar way, and you recognised it in your OP

I'm being selfish I know, and I hope his parents get better. But I'm so disappointed - I really wanted to meet them, I wanted to get on with them, and I wanted the break away from everything.

Please enjoy yourself, you sound like you need a break!

ListenWillYou · 03/08/2015 18:14

Jammy. Please stop overthinking this now. They have asked you to go and your DP wants you to go so thats that.

The best thing is to relax and have a great time. I'm sure you will be a considerate guest.

I don't think your initial reaction was selfish, you were just dissapointed. I think that was understandable.

JammyGem · 03/08/2015 18:02

Thank you to everyone who posted.

His parents are insistent that they want me to come and stay with them - since his mother's treatment and the weather cooling they say they're pretty much back to normal and wouldn't want to miss out on meeting me. DP also said he'd be pretty upset to go without me so he's 'made the decision for me'. So we're heading off tomorrow.

This thread has forced me to realise how selfish my initial reactions can be at times, and I'm going to be working on that.

I'd like to say I'm looking forward to going, but that would be a lie. I'm too worried about whether they are well enough, or whether they'll like me, and a bit down about some of the self-revelations from this thread.

Thanks again though.

OP posts:

Geekymeeky · 03/08/2015 11:04

Jem, you come across as a good person. You have enough self-awareness and a conscience to question whether you are being unreasonable. You probably are. However, you are where you are now with this so do try to reduce the drama and enjoy yourself.

NEVER shut down your conscience for selfish reasons. It is far too easy for some to encourage selfishness and say what they perceive are nice things to say. But are these nice things to your real benefit?

Hope others like me who challenged you have helped with some self reflection that will be of use.

waterrat · 03/08/2015 10:55

Jammy gem - please listen to me. Go on your holiday.

I cannot believe complete strangers in the interent are telling you to feel bad about it or telling you not to go. Jesus christ, what a horrible thing to do to someone when you don't actually know the reality of the situation.

Please do not miss out on your holiday because of this thread. Shut down mumsnet, dont come back - go on your holiday and enjoy it.

end of.

TendonQueen · 03/08/2015 09:34

I 'd go now or it gets a bit stupid - but say you will be going out on your own every other day and leaving him to have time with his parents. Take plenty of books with you and go out and explore the area, have a coffee and read etc. Also say that of course you will help with any jobs that need doing and will leave the room at any point if they feel ill and uncomfortable. It can be fine with a bit of sensitivity and willingness to do things on your own, which you have.

ihatethecold · 03/08/2015 09:09

I agree. What a load of drama.

Geekymeeky · 02/08/2015 16:48

Jammy, it is turning into a bit of a drama so my only other advice at this point is to try to relax and focus on how to make the best of this situation.

Personally, I really think you should have respected his/their wishes. Given where things are now, I suggest just putting it to bed, go on the holiday and be sensitive to the needs of his elderly parents. He may want to spend time with them alone and they also may not be up to entertaining you much. If that's the case, then try to be understanding.

Enjoy your time.

JammyGem · 02/08/2015 12:22

He's talking to his parents later today and is double checking with them for an honest answer on how they feel about it. He was a bit upset and disappointed when I explained why I couldn't go with him after all, and so made a deal that he'll ask his parents again what they really want, and that'll decide whether I come or not.

OP posts:

quietbatperson · 01/08/2015 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalunicorn · 01/08/2015 20:54

You should go. You sound lovely and considerate and ready to help. As their son's DP you are becoming family to them anyway.

JammyGem · 01/08/2015 20:29

No youth hostels nearby

That had been my first thought too but DP said he didn't know of any nearby (I didn't believe him either but after lots of searching it appears there really aren't)

OP posts:

quietbatperson · 01/08/2015 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JammyGem · 01/08/2015 20:20

Thanks quietbatperson for the suggestion. I hadn't looked on there, but unfortunately the nearby places are a little too expensive for me - thanks though.

DP finishes work late again tonight but I think I'll be telling him I'm not comfortable putting stress on his parents and that I'd like him to go alone.

OP posts:

quietbatperson · 01/08/2015 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JammyGem · 01/08/2015 19:47

As hurtful as it was to read some of the comments, I do want to say thank you to Salmotrutta, Geeky, Goblin et al. I hadn't even thought that they might have felt guilt tripped into it, I just assumed it was a change of heart, as that's what DP described it as. I know I've been a bit selfish about it all, and I think I needed someone to say that to me.

OP posts:

JammyGem · 01/08/2015 19:37

I was honestly ok with staying somewhere else and not even meeting his parents if they didn't feel up to it, and when DP let his parents know this, they invited me to stay anyway.

I certainly didn't mean to guilt trip them and I really hope the way DP told them didn't come across like that.

But maybe you're right. I've spoken to DP and as much as he reassures me that they're feeling a bit better now (the heat was making them feel worse and has actually turned out to be the direct cause of his mother's illness) I still don't think they'll have recovered just like that this quickly. I don't like the idea that they may have felt pressured by my planning to stay elsewhere. Perhaps it really is best for everyone if I don't go.

I'll speak to DP again tonight.

OP posts:

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Kayakwonder · 01/08/2015 19:04

Good for you JammyGem, glad to hear you will get your much-needed break after all!
Don't listen to the negative posters. You sound like an empathetic and conscientious person who will be far from a burden on your DP's parents. After the initial meeting (when they might be slightly anxious) I'm sure they will see that you are there to help around the house, support DP and give him space with his parents as required.
You can take walks in the French sunshine to give them some daily family time

Aridane · 01/08/2015 18:50

I agree with Goblin, I'm afraid. My elderly mother, in poor health (but not at death's door)' will have me or my sister stay with her but cannot 'cope' if our respective families accompany us. Even though we would bring supplies and feed ourselves, help about the house etc. so we don't impose ourselves on her with families in tow as it makes her I'll at ease.

But you sound like you need a break - and I hope you enjoy it

Ouchbloodyouch · 01/08/2015 18:44

You didn't impose yourself OP. Have a wonderful time and ignore the miserable fuckers at the latter end of the thread.

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