Advice with fat comments

[balls2DWall]

I get on really well with my sil. she intimidates me slightly as she is so slim and pretty but very nice girl. however, her kids (4 and 6) constantly say to me "have you a baby in your tummy" and when i say no they say "then why are you so fat?". she brushes them off and says don't be rude to the kids but thats it. aib overly sensitive? i am "fat" so they are not wrong though i teach my son that the word "fat" can hurt people's feelings. my weight is a big issue for me and knocks me every time i hear these kids say it.

[MsJuniper]

Funnily enough this came up for me recently, my SIL came to stay and her DD (4) who has always been very affectionate towards me started making comments, asked if I had a baby, if not why did I have 'a lump' (especially tough as I've had 2 mc in the last 6 months) then kind of repeatedly brought it up, things like 'oh you can't do that because you're too fat' or even in general conversation using the word 'fat' a lot and saying it very loudly. It was definitely too pointed to be innocent and aiming for a reaction so I am guessing it's been picked up either at school or home (unlikely as SIL is lovely).

At some point I said, we don't comment on people's personal appearances as it is rude. I am not sure if it made a difference but perhaps over time.

I did then have to remind myself not to comment on her appearance (eg she is very tall) as I thought it was important to be consistent.

[balls2DWall]

RonasldosAb spot on ... self esteem is rock bottom. Well done TheOriginallem thats brilliant. I need some serious motivation but life is shit at the moment. but ye have all given me great ideas and things to say.

[Garlick]

5-year-olds-can goad It sounds like it's an in-joke to them, not necessarily with any adult input at all. I remember, with shame, how my friends and I decided a woman down the road was a wicked witch - no reason, it was a game - and used to dance around her house chanting 'spells' to kill the witch Apparently she was upset by it and we were sent round to apologise.

So I would say rude remarks about people aren't funny and you'll withdraw some privilege or other until they stop being rude. Don't be all smiley about it, either!

[Garlick]

... although I LOVE "eating rude children"!

[Leviticus]

OP my DS asks me a lot if his grandad is fat (he is) but it's definitely not anything he's heard from us so please don't worry that your SIL has said this. Kids are just very factual, it takes time to learn which facts are rude to state.

I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this.

[Scoobydoo8]

I'm with mummymeister and would respond with No, but why do you have funny white eyelashes, funny teeth, skinny legs or whatever and let them feel the same emotions. best lesson.

The DCs sound like bullies in the making. Though there will be pearls grasping on here.

[myusernamewastaken]

On another note..i have a uncle who always comments on my weight....im not even overweight im a size 12 but i have a generous bum and he always comments on it..
This has been going on for ages and ive got to the point where i avoid him and i avoid family occasions as i find it really tiresome to be told i have a fat arse for the 100th time x

[scarlets]

Children of that age don't mean to be cruel, but that doesn't mean that their parents should tolerate comments like this. YANBU.

[Vatersay]

Actually if you think that the parents aren't being firm enough about this it might be worth quietly pointing out that they could well end up in serious trouble if they said it to another pupil or member of staff.

That might make them think.

[ArcheryAnnie]

just tell them you are fat because you can't stop eating rude children

I'm totally pinching this! Best answer yet.

[itsbetterthanabox]

Say to them.
Some people are fat and some people are thin, everyone is different. No one is better than anyone else we just have different body shapes.

[YeOldeTrout]

Maybe they really think you are pg?
Are they 4, 5 or 6?

Part I don't understand is why they ask again & again. What reward are they getting to always ask same Q?

[Lurkedforever1]

As a toddler dd went through a phase of commenting on 'people growing babies' about anyone with a less than washboard stomach. And commenting on personal appearance 'oh look mummy she looks like a witch' etc. So we frequently discussed that making comments about people was only ok if they were nice words rather than facts. Down to the point 'that lady has blonde hair' wasn't ok, but 'that lady has pretty hair' was ok.
Dd knew what fat meant, but didn't think it was a negative word, eg puppies have lovely fat tums, babies with gorgeous fat legs, ponies with lovely fat bums etc. I was a bit stuck because on the one hand I didn't want to give the impression fat meant bad, but at the same time didn't want her casually going round calling people fat thinking it was complimentary.
I eventually settled for explaining most people don't like others talking about their shape, when dd felt it necessary to share with a crowded bus that when she grew up she wanted round boobies like Aunty x, rather than tiny ones like mummies or very long dangly ones like that ladies. Thus avoiding the whole 'fat' question till she was older.
Next time they say it I'd actually tell them that it's very rude and hurts people's feelings to make comments about their shape and size, and would they like it if people called them names. Alternatively, if their mum is thin, rather than slim, and I say this as a skinny person, if they won't listen and continue to say it, ask them how they think mummy would like it if people called her skeleton or too thin and ill. That should get it through to their ill mannered mother too. If the mum is just slim or likely to take skeleton as a compliment, then use 'nose like a witch' 'chicken legs' 'spotty' or whatever else seems appropriate.

[MamaLazarou]

I would say something like, "when you say I am fat, it hurts my feelings. Please don't say things like that". Not shouting, not guilt-tripping, just straightforward and to the point. Say it every time. They will learn.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Children can be incredibly blunt and mostly they don't mean any harm and aren't picking it up from anyone. I don't think you should think it's coming from SIL, if it were they'd probably say "mummy says auntie is fat", you can't say feck all in front of kids without it being blabbed to someone!

A relative of mine once declared on the bus that she "doesn't like brown people" she was 3 and I can assure you she certainly didn't get that from any of us! Thankfully she soon got over her dislike and isn't a raving racist. It didn't stop the mortification at the time though.

All your SIL can do is tell them not to say those things. I like the eating rude children response!

Fwiw, I know how you feel, my eldest is always prodding my "squidgy tummy" and saying there's a baby in there.

[Rosieliveson]

I'm fat too and don't appreciate it being pointed out.

In your case, my answer would be "I said no last time. Don't talk about my tummy again now. It's very rude and it makes me sad" I'd then ask a question about school, toys or favourites to change the subject entirely.

I think I'd also tell SIL that although they're children, it's still hurtful and that you'd appreciate her reminding them not to say unkind things. It might just give her a jolt of she is having conversations they're picking up on.

[Spinningplates10]

What exactly is SIL saying when they keep repeating it and laughing? I'm trying to picture myself with my almost 4 and almost 6 year old, visiting someone's home and this going on in front of me. I have to say I'd be chastising them the first time it happened and then at home I'd explain that it's hurtful and rude and absolutely not allowed. If they carried it on the way your niece and nephew are there would be trouble!

Sorry Op but it doesn't sound at all like SIL is addressing this beyond a wishy washy response in front of you. Ok they (the adults) are probably not talking about you specifically behind your back but I'd strongly suspect there are some negative comments being made about fat people, appearance etc. the children are picking it up somewhere. It sounds pretty crap and in your shoes I'd have to say something.

[DesertIslander]

I don't think this sounds like something the children have overheard, so I would try not to worry about that, and I disagree that the children wouldn't know words like 'fat'. It an everyday term, think back to Christmas, Father Christmas is the most famously fat man in existence!

If I were you I would say "It really hurts my feelings when you say that, it's not kind" and make sure SIL hears the exchange.

Children can be mean, but I'm sure there's no malice (and to the PP who said they sound like future bullies... WTF!? )

Big hug x

[3dogsandaboy]

Balls2. I am fat and I am disabled....saying that I have lost 3 stone so far this year, been so pleased with myself. It was my birthday week before last and my 7 year old walked in on me watching pitch perfect and said I look like Fat Amy (google her if you dont know who im talking about!). I just brushed it off but my goodness it hurts :( somehow it hurts more now than it did at the time. My ds is kind and is clued up that people dont all look the same. He just said it, it wasnt malicious. My birthday week of gluttony has come to a swift end!

In your case I would probably tell you sil and her kids that its very hurtful to say things like that to somebody and not very kind. I would also be very frank with your sil in isolation from the kids and just tell her it fucking hurts when her kids say stuff like that. Its her responsability to bring up kind and considerate children, not yours. And you have to be a special sort of someone to not be aware that you nip these comments from your kids in the bud asap.

I know how you feel keep your head up

[fakenamefornow]

I would think it unlikely that this is coming from sil and think it just sounds paranoid or even down right nasty to imply it is.

[PoundingTheStreets]

When my DS was four, he asked a cashier on a till "Why are you so fat?" I wanted to disappear through the floor. I said nothing for about five seconds while horror and embarrassment flooded through me, and then I lamely said, "I'm so, so sorry. That was so rude! I'll speak to him about it later, but I'm really sorry." The guy was lovely about it but to this day, years later, I feel bad about it.

I had a long chat with my DS. He still went on to say it about three to four times at various points in his childhood. AS he got older, I became more scolding than educating, as I felt he was old enough to know better. Fortunately, that did the trick.

What I mean to say is that the children don't always reflect the attitudes of the parents. I've never called anyone fat - either to their face or about them - around my children. Even when my children aren't around, I wouldn't use the word fat, either - it seems so loaded with negative connotations. I would either use the clinical term - obese, or be euphemistic - she's a well-built lady for example. My best friend is obese so I understand how sensitive this can be.

However, that doesn't mean you have to let it pass. Next time they say something, look at them directly in the eye and say, "Do you know that using the word 'fat' is really unkind? It's very hurtful. If you call me that again, I will feel that you want to hurt me on purpose, and i'm sure you don't because you're a lovely little girl/boy who I'm sure would never be so spiteful."

[HelenaDove]

Garlick When i was a little kid in the late 70s early 80s there was an older stern looking woman who lived round the corner. We heard adults myDM saying she had a temper and was a "bit mental" so me DB and a couple of kids we used to play with all got into our heads she was a witch and used to scream and run and hide whenever we saw her leave her house.

It wasnt until i got older i found out she went out of her mind with grief when her husband died I still feel terrible about it now... decades later.

One day she threw something that looked like white paint up against the wall by her front door and it made white splodges on the brickwork.

When i walk to my parents now i have to walk past what was her house and those white splodges are still there. I get a lump in my throat every time.

[Xenadog]

OP if this happens again I think I would reply with a: "Why are you so rude? Haven't your parents bothered to teach you any manners or are you just too lazy to learn them?" type comment. Those children (at 4 and 6) know they are being rude and it sounds like that they don't care about your feelings if this has been an ongoing thing.

I think their mother needs to not just brush their behaviour off with a "Don't be rude." but also speak to them later on about why some things are inappropriate. I'm guessing she hasn't done this and so this is why I would make my comment. She needs to parent them.

Alternatively go with eating rude children comment.

[Imlookingatboats]

My child did that once. It was perfectly innocent. She'd spent plenty of hours watching Thomas the Tank engine and the 'fat' controller.

She only did it once as I put a stop to it of course. I think your SIL is rude not to have done so.