Advice with fat comments

[balls2DWall]

I get on really well with my sil. she intimidates me slightly as she is so slim and pretty but very nice girl. however, her kids (4 and 6) constantly say to me "have you a baby in your tummy" and when i say no they say "then why are you so fat?". she brushes them off and says don't be rude to the kids but thats it. aib overly sensitive? i am "fat" so they are not wrong though i teach my son that the word "fat" can hurt people's feelings. my weight is a big issue for me and knocks me every time i hear these kids say it.

[squoosh]

For them to ask you once is fine, kids can be bluntly honest. For them to constantly ask is extremely rude and they should be firmly put in their place. Even if you're the one who has to do it.

[meadowquark]

I also wouldn't take as offense. I am fat by the way and I have a niece who has said this to me in the past (not meaning bad). I felt uncomfortable but explained myself (because I just had a baby ) and that's was it. No rudeness intended but we have to educate children.

[Gottagetmoving]

I wouldn't take offence if a child that young said that to me.
Children comment on what they see and it is not rude. You cannot get angry about a child being honest, you just have to explain why sometimes people get upset if you call them fat.
They were not saying being fat is bad,..or judging. It was a comment from curious children. As adults we should be able to deal with it.

[LittleGwyneth]

It's horrid :( I had that happen to me when I was baby sitting (aged 17, size 10/12, really fit!) and it still ravaged my confidence.

Bear in mind that kid's perceptions of all sorts of things can be warped - I asked a five y/o how old she thought I was the other day and she said 40 (I'm 24).

[Lurkedforever1]

As a one off children aren't rude for making personal comments, but 4 & 6 are old enough to understand we don't continue to do so if it's hurting someones feelings.
Dd once spent a long time looking round when we were at the supermarket checkout before announcing loudly people came in silly colours. She did expand to explain she thought people should have stripes/ spots/ patches/ patterns/ markings etc like animals, because being just white, brown or red (one woman) wasn't very pretty.
Which is very different to not intervening if she frequently quizzed the same person on their monotone colour.

[UnashamedMOB]

I'm not sure it's right to say such young children are being rude. I am pg, and my 4 yr old yesterday asked me if a friend also had a baby in her tummy. I said no, he said, well why is her tummy so big then? I just said, well people are all different sizes. That is the first time he has ever commented on anyone's size, and I don't want to get into a whole discussion about how it would be rude to mention to her, I think it's better to just not make a big deal of it, so that he accepts that people come in different shapes and sizes and it's not something to be surprised about. Same as I do with people's skin colour on occasions when he's asked about that. I don't think I'd be able to explain what is rude about mentioning it without making it into a bigger issue than it is. It's just natural unprejudiced childhood curiosity.

[Imlookingatboats]

My child did that once. It was perfectly innocent. She'd spent plenty of hours watching Thomas the Tank engine and the 'fat' controller.

She only did it once as I put a stop to it of course. I think your SIL is rude not to have done so.

[Xenadog]

OP if this happens again I think I would reply with a: "Why are you so rude? Haven't your parents bothered to teach you any manners or are you just too lazy to learn them?" type comment. Those children (at 4 and 6) know they are being rude and it sounds like that they don't care about your feelings if this has been an ongoing thing.

I think their mother needs to not just brush their behaviour off with a "Don't be rude." but also speak to them later on about why some things are inappropriate. I'm guessing she hasn't done this and so this is why I would make my comment. She needs to parent them.

Alternatively go with eating rude children comment.

[HelenaDove]

Garlick When i was a little kid in the late 70s early 80s there was an older stern looking woman who lived round the corner. We heard adults myDM saying she had a temper and was a "bit mental" so me DB and a couple of kids we used to play with all got into our heads she was a witch and used to scream and run and hide whenever we saw her leave her house.

It wasnt until i got older i found out she went out of her mind with grief when her husband died I still feel terrible about it now... decades later.

One day she threw something that looked like white paint up against the wall by her front door and it made white splodges on the brickwork.

When i walk to my parents now i have to walk past what was her house and those white splodges are still there. I get a lump in my throat every time.

[PoundingTheStreets]

When my DS was four, he asked a cashier on a till "Why are you so fat?" I wanted to disappear through the floor. I said nothing for about five seconds while horror and embarrassment flooded through me, and then I lamely said, "I'm so, so sorry. That was so rude! I'll speak to him about it later, but I'm really sorry." The guy was lovely about it but to this day, years later, I feel bad about it.

I had a long chat with my DS. He still went on to say it about three to four times at various points in his childhood. AS he got older, I became more scolding than educating, as I felt he was old enough to know better. Fortunately, that did the trick.

What I mean to say is that the children don't always reflect the attitudes of the parents. I've never called anyone fat - either to their face or about them - around my children. Even when my children aren't around, I wouldn't use the word fat, either - it seems so loaded with negative connotations. I would either use the clinical term - obese, or be euphemistic - she's a well-built lady for example. My best friend is obese so I understand how sensitive this can be.

However, that doesn't mean you have to let it pass. Next time they say something, look at them directly in the eye and say, "Do you know that using the word 'fat' is really unkind? It's very hurtful. If you call me that again, I will feel that you want to hurt me on purpose, and i'm sure you don't because you're a lovely little girl/boy who I'm sure would never be so spiteful."

[fakenamefornow]

I would think it unlikely that this is coming from sil and think it just sounds paranoid or even down right nasty to imply it is.

[3dogsandaboy]

Balls2. I am fat and I am disabled....saying that I have lost 3 stone so far this year, been so pleased with myself. It was my birthday week before last and my 7 year old walked in on me watching pitch perfect and said I look like Fat Amy (google her if you dont know who im talking about!). I just brushed it off but my goodness it hurts :( somehow it hurts more now than it did at the time. My ds is kind and is clued up that people dont all look the same. He just said it, it wasnt malicious. My birthday week of gluttony has come to a swift end!

In your case I would probably tell you sil and her kids that its very hurtful to say things like that to somebody and not very kind. I would also be very frank with your sil in isolation from the kids and just tell her it fucking hurts when her kids say stuff like that. Its her responsability to bring up kind and considerate children, not yours. And you have to be a special sort of someone to not be aware that you nip these comments from your kids in the bud asap.

I know how you feel keep your head up

[DesertIslander]

I don't think this sounds like something the children have overheard, so I would try not to worry about that, and I disagree that the children wouldn't know words like 'fat'. It an everyday term, think back to Christmas, Father Christmas is the most famously fat man in existence!

If I were you I would say "It really hurts my feelings when you say that, it's not kind" and make sure SIL hears the exchange.

Children can be mean, but I'm sure there's no malice (and to the PP who said they sound like future bullies... WTF!? )

Big hug x

[Spinningplates10]

What exactly is SIL saying when they keep repeating it and laughing? I'm trying to picture myself with my almost 4 and almost 6 year old, visiting someone's home and this going on in front of me. I have to say I'd be chastising them the first time it happened and then at home I'd explain that it's hurtful and rude and absolutely not allowed. If they carried it on the way your niece and nephew are there would be trouble!

Sorry Op but it doesn't sound at all like SIL is addressing this beyond a wishy washy response in front of you. Ok they (the adults) are probably not talking about you specifically behind your back but I'd strongly suspect there are some negative comments being made about fat people, appearance etc. the children are picking it up somewhere. It sounds pretty crap and in your shoes I'd have to say something.

[Rosieliveson]

I'm fat too and don't appreciate it being pointed out.

In your case, my answer would be "I said no last time. Don't talk about my tummy again now. It's very rude and it makes me sad" I'd then ask a question about school, toys or favourites to change the subject entirely.

I think I'd also tell SIL that although they're children, it's still hurtful and that you'd appreciate her reminding them not to say unkind things. It might just give her a jolt of she is having conversations they're picking up on.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Children can be incredibly blunt and mostly they don't mean any harm and aren't picking it up from anyone. I don't think you should think it's coming from SIL, if it were they'd probably say "mummy says auntie is fat", you can't say feck all in front of kids without it being blabbed to someone!

A relative of mine once declared on the bus that she "doesn't like brown people" she was 3 and I can assure you she certainly didn't get that from any of us! Thankfully she soon got over her dislike and isn't a raving racist. It didn't stop the mortification at the time though.

All your SIL can do is tell them not to say those things. I like the eating rude children response!

Fwiw, I know how you feel, my eldest is always prodding my "squidgy tummy" and saying there's a baby in there.

[MamaLazarou]

I would say something like, "when you say I am fat, it hurts my feelings. Please don't say things like that". Not shouting, not guilt-tripping, just straightforward and to the point. Say it every time. They will learn.

[Lurkedforever1]

As a toddler dd went through a phase of commenting on 'people growing babies' about anyone with a less than washboard stomach. And commenting on personal appearance 'oh look mummy she looks like a witch' etc. So we frequently discussed that making comments about people was only ok if they were nice words rather than facts. Down to the point 'that lady has blonde hair' wasn't ok, but 'that lady has pretty hair' was ok.
Dd knew what fat meant, but didn't think it was a negative word, eg puppies have lovely fat tums, babies with gorgeous fat legs, ponies with lovely fat bums etc. I was a bit stuck because on the one hand I didn't want to give the impression fat meant bad, but at the same time didn't want her casually going round calling people fat thinking it was complimentary.
I eventually settled for explaining most people don't like others talking about their shape, when dd felt it necessary to share with a crowded bus that when she grew up she wanted round boobies like Aunty x, rather than tiny ones like mummies or very long dangly ones like that ladies. Thus avoiding the whole 'fat' question till she was older.
Next time they say it I'd actually tell them that it's very rude and hurts people's feelings to make comments about their shape and size, and would they like it if people called them names. Alternatively, if their mum is thin, rather than slim, and I say this as a skinny person, if they won't listen and continue to say it, ask them how they think mummy would like it if people called her skeleton or too thin and ill. That should get it through to their ill mannered mother too. If the mum is just slim or likely to take skeleton as a compliment, then use 'nose like a witch' 'chicken legs' 'spotty' or whatever else seems appropriate.

[YeOldeTrout]

Maybe they really think you are pg?
Are they 4, 5 or 6?

Part I don't understand is why they ask again & again. What reward are they getting to always ask same Q?

[itsbetterthanabox]

Say to them.
Some people are fat and some people are thin, everyone is different. No one is better than anyone else we just have different body shapes.

[ArcheryAnnie]

just tell them you are fat because you can't stop eating rude children

I'm totally pinching this! Best answer yet.

[Vatersay]

Actually if you think that the parents aren't being firm enough about this it might be worth quietly pointing out that they could well end up in serious trouble if they said it to another pupil or member of staff.

That might make them think.

[scarlets]

Children of that age don't mean to be cruel, but that doesn't mean that their parents should tolerate comments like this. YANBU.

[myusernamewastaken]

On another note..i have a uncle who always comments on my weight....im not even overweight im a size 12 but i have a generous bum and he always comments on it..
This has been going on for ages and ive got to the point where i avoid him and i avoid family occasions as i find it really tiresome to be told i have a fat arse for the 100th time x