to ask what are you friendship red flags?

[Buffyitout]

(As opposed to romantic relationship ones.)

I ask because a friend of a few years' standing has always left me feeling uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think its because she has never introduced me to any of hers yet she's met most of mine. And isnt in touch with any of her old friends, or bridesmaids, everyone around her seems "new."

Are these red flags? What are yours?

[BeyondTheWall]

I'm disabled, have a few mum-friends with various health issues too (not that i only like people who are ill!). I know where they all are in their benefit claims as mine was one of the first, so i help out.

Very big red flag for me earlier this week. An acquaintance (who is very much an oversharer) was talking about how she was jealous of my wheelchair because of her health problems (i can understand this, before i did get my chair i was struggling pretending i wasnt that bad too). I asked if she minded saying what was wrong and was there was anything she needed help with. She said its her back and i sympathised about how it can take ages to find out what the cause is for a bad back (again, i know people who have had this problem. Even in my case, where the cause is known, its difficult to prove it from xrays etc). She says she isnt under a consultant and then said that she gets PIP for it, and goes on to explain that its disability benefit (to the woman in the wheelchair!)

red alert goes off in my head, it is nigh on impossible to get pip for a bad back. I wont say she was 100% lying of course, but that particular claim to me was a red flag.

[LadyFlumpalot]

I have one acquaintance who has a serious victim complex. That is a massive red flag to me. For example, if a few of us wanted to do an activity one weekend that she didn't want to do then she would go on a massive rant accusing us of picking that specific activity deliberately with the sole intention of leaving her out. It makes any planning very difficult as we all feel we have to walk on eggshells.

Also overly needy people. I had a friend once who would text several times a day then get very arsey if you didn't respond within a few minutes. She stopped speaking to me over it - I tried to explain that I can't always reply straight away, what with being at work and everything but she wasn't having it.

[FryOneFatManic]

When they phone you and you let it go to voicemail

Disagree with this. There are times when I've had my phone on silent and haven't been able to answer calls, eg driving or in a meeting. I call back when it's practical and safe to do so.

[Whoregasm]

Oh yes, neediness is another one. Have made new friends in the past only to realise (to my horror) that they want to exchange a dozen texts per day and meet for a coffee at least twice a week.

And if I can't accommodate them it's resulted in intense [shudder] conversations about 'I need to know you're there for me'

Makes me want to run screaming for the hills and did

[MistressDeeCee]

People who have no real life friends but plenty of online friends. Ive met a few like that, makes me wary.

People who only ever talk about themselves. & are quick to use you as a sounding board when they have issues (on your phone day & night, etc) but either melt away when you have a crisis, or turn it round to being about THEM.

Its made me think of a friend I dropped recently. Known her many years. Looking back I realised she always had to drop bitchy remarks about women ie we could be on a night out & she'd mock someone's clothes or hair (random strangers, that is....). Actually, men too "oh look at that guy he's so fat..oh he looks old..." etc.

Horrible misogynistic cheating partner, & she wanted every conversation to be about how horrific he was, would phone me and diss him, but when he was back on the scene wouldn't hear a peep out of her...all was well in her world. When he misbehaved, of course she'd be back around.

When we were on nights out she'd actually be really straight faced. I like doing dance classes, she'd tag along. People socialise in bar after class and I remember her being so stony-faced when people spoke to us, that I felt embarassed inside. & that secretly, she wanted to be around me so as to cramp my style in some way...after all if Im sitting with her then, her attitude would drive people away. Made me very uneasy & Im much happier since I dropped her & her miserable ways and face from my life. I feel any friend that makes you uneasy, has to go. Life's too short.