to ask what are you friendship red flags?

[Buffyitout]

(As opposed to romantic relationship ones.)

I ask because a friend of a few years' standing has always left me feeling uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think its because she has never introduced me to any of hers yet she's met most of mine. And isnt in touch with any of her old friends, or bridesmaids, everyone around her seems "new."

Are these red flags? What are yours?

[thewavesofthesea]

Bitching about other people behind their back and telli g me all sorts about them that I'm not sure they would want me to know. I have a friend like this atm; she is very popular and I do find her great fun to be with, but I am a bit concerned about what she says about me! So although I enjoy her company I am not investing heavily in her emotionally. Also those who don't seem to want to make the effort to see you or only contact you when they want something.

Green flags are those in whom I feel welcome in their home, who I can chat to as if we have just left off, people who I may not see for months but are happy to spend plenty of time and effort with me when we do see eachother. I only have three of these friends and I am very lucky to have them. Quality not quantity .

[ASettlerOfCatan]

I had a friend who was calling bff within weeks. Pushing to meet lots then came the requests for help. As soon as this doormat didn't have time to help every damn day she was dropped quicker than a whores panties. Since then fb tells me the girl has had 2 other bffs. I pulled back 6 months ago

[MartyrStewart]

For me it is very simple. There are two types of people, drains and radiators. I try to surround myself with radiators, although I have been caught out in the past. I

[Littlecaf]

Being let down is not an attractive trait. I have a 'friend' who constantly cancelled on me at last minute (Eg I've already left/bought train ticket, am at the restaurant and have ordered) or when we finally met up, she would say "I've arranged to meet xyz at 2pm, let's go there instead' So you've double booked yourself and a had a better offer and I've travelled an hour to see you. I don't want to traipse another hour across town to see someone I don't know. I don't make the effort to see her anymore. It's a shame.

I sort if echo the old friends thing - people who I've met over my life who say within 2 days of meeting you "I've never had a friend like you' are probably best avoided.

[AnotherGirlsParadise]

People who fall out with others in the friendship group, and expect everyone else to take their side or be damned - I'm very, very wary of this.

[peltata]

Stealth boasters.

Know a mum locally who, when we bump into each other, I'm mentally recording the time to the first stealth boast - it's like I'm seeing if she is going for the record that day .

Does mean I remember the time and not the boast which works out well!

[fairnotfit]

The school mum who informed her DS (in front of me, after 2 hours' acquaintance) that DS1 (then 6) and I were their friends for life. And asked me to be her son's guardian after a couple of weeks. And that was just the start... thankfully I managed to break free without triggering one of her notorious swivel-eyed screeching public rages.

[Branleuse]

people who bitch or judge other people more than occasionally. People who want too much too soon. People who ask for childcare/help with children but dont offer back or are unavailable to do similar for you

[fairnotfit]

Oh, and people who appear lovely - polite, kind, chatty - but who suddenly turn into a rude and snappy diva as soon as they are faced with a shop assistant/waiter/receptionist.

[ClaudetteWyms]

Great thread. I totally agree with avoiding people who bitch about others (particularly other women), people who are quick to judge others, and people who are envious of others.

Also fake people - performance parent, smiley and edgy cool in public, but bitchy, argumentative, and bitter behind closed doors? Bye bye (yeah, I am thinking of someone in particular!)

[AlmaMartyr]

Claudette - I know someone like your last too. Everything is a huge front and they seem massively lovely but are actually vicious and nasty. Difficult to identify quickly though, I wish I had backed away as soon as I realised.

[Potterwolfie]

Over sharing on social media, gossiping with menace, drama and narcissism are my main red flags.

[Laedee]

I'm mostly a live and let live person, but I can't be bothered with people who...

The big thing is those who put others down. Whether its in real life, or on facebook. It's just not a very nice quality to sit there and slag off people who put pictures of their food up on facebook, or who likes The only way is Essex TV show. To me, it just smacks of a smug superiority that's just not nice. Does it really bother you if that floats someone else's boat...?

Also not keen on people who are self centered, or are hypocrites. The kind of people who expect everything to revolve around them - make no effort towards you, but expect you to be there for them.

Finally people who lie / embellish or just plain rewrite history.

I always say, if I have friends who meet me 50% of the way, I'll go 100% for them. I'm lucky that I have a good circle of friends, who I have collected from childhood. Some I see regularly, others not so much. It's my 40th very soon, and arranging celebrations has reminded me just how important my friends are to me.

[hibbledibble]

Someone who always takes and never gives.

I cut a friend out who I realised was just using me.

[ACSlater]

When you think you know someone until they beg for cash at their wedding.

Those who expect their children to be your priority.

Those that don't understand that your life revolves around you and your family. Not them and their family.

[Bavmorda]

People who expect to hear from you all the time and get the hump/expect explanations when they don't. We all have busy lives and friendship should be a pleasure not an obligation.

Oversharing early on - often they turn out to be the types where the friendship ends up completely one sided and all about them. I'm stuck in that rut with one "friend" which leads me to my next point...

Emotional manipulators - anyone who turns on the waterworks to get the reaction they want out of you.

I feel guilty now I've typed all that...!

[Summerisle1]

Red flags:

Too much, too soon. In other words, far too much personal information shared before you've had the chance to build up a friendship.

People who have an awful lot of 'ex-friends'. None of which they are now speaking too. All of whom they fell out with rather dramatically.

Wild gossipers who will happily share every confidence that has mistakenly been shared with them! It'll be your business they are embellishing and spreading next!

Needy social media users. I'm never going to have anything in common with anyone who makes a soap opera out of their Facebook account. Especially if it comes with copious illustrations.

[griselda101]

had a mate who liked to constantly be an armchair psychologist, he used to decide what "disorders" everyone had and bitch about it to everyone else, making sideways comments as if he was implying you had something too. Not only on the psychological front, but also the medical front (tried to tell me I had MS & ME!). Everyone I knew was psychoanalysed, diagnosed (incorrectly) from every angle, whilst being bitched about to others. Did my head in!

And all about the drama. Had to move on from it.

Also people who are stuck in their issues and want to talk about it over and over, want sympathy but never listen to advice. I don't mind someone not taking my advice, but I don't want to relisten to that person going over the same problem x 1000 expecting the same response and sympathy every time when they refuse to do anything about it. It gets boring and pointless.

[NynaevesSister]

To the people who have said they don't have old friends ...

Don't fret! One of you said that your oldest friendship only went back ten years. That counts as a long term friend!

As someone pointed out it is more the complete absence followed up with declarations of undying friendship/BFFness/Friend for life after an inappropriate short period of time. I also find myself wary when women say things like 'I'm not usually good friends with other women, only guys. For some reason women don't like me/I usually find women too bitchy'. Anything like that sort of huge generalisation is a sign for me to back off.

A couple of years ago, after bring polite to a mum of my child's friend I got both the I don't usually have friends who are women speech AND introduced by her as N, my best friend!

Eeeek. I couldn't run away though as our kids were best mates. And you know what, she turned out to be absolutely lovely! So I was totally wrong.

Now I have learned my lesson. I would be cautious but not react on just the red flag. Everyone deserves a chance.

[SpecificOcean]

An ex friend who basically wanted my life. At first it was small things.
We went on a cruise they booked a cruise, DD started dance class- 2 weeks later her DD started, we got a puppy they got one a month later.

Whenever she was at my house it was always- "I want a house/kitchen/sofa etc like yours"
She was so nosey asking about really private stuff quite early on- money, mortgage etc.
DH took me away for a surprise weekend for my birthday. "I want a DH who does that"! she said when I told her. I started to feel a bit stalked and kept away from her after that which wasn't hard because we weren't big mates and hadn't known each other all that long.

When we moved she kept pestering to come and see the new house but I fobbed her off and she gave up. I heard a few months ago that she left her DH and ran off with his mate who was also the husband of her friend too.

[ZaZathecat]

When a friend of very short standing (a few wekks maybe) wants to make loads of future plans together, like weekends away. Maybe not quite a 'red flag' but definitely off-putting for me. I take my time to get to know people.

[Astrid28]

Women who befriend you just to acquire friends for their children.

DD had a girl
In her class who had quite challenging behaviour and was very controlling scary , her Mum would call or text me every day to pass on pointless messages to DD or to discuss any minor disagreement.

I'm also slightly wary of people who are best friends with everyone. They tell everyone everything, would do anything for anyone. I dont know why but it makes me suspicious!

My main bugbear - which has caused me problems in two friendships in particular, is controlling people. They 'suggest' things and plan all the details every time. They then get cross if these details are compromised. They also ram opinions down your throat so you feel you have to agree just to shut them up.

Not that I'm talking about anyone specific...!

[GoStraightGoStraight]

Agree with the people who constantly want you to look after their children. They are always the ones who seem to live such exciting, fulfilling lives - more glamorous better paid careers, more exciting social lives, more impressive friends, but they always need a good old reliable stay at home boring friend to rely on, so they can dump their kids at the drop of a hat....

[RoboticSealpup]

I cannot stand status-obsessed people who try to suss out how much money I have by asking loads of questions about my home and my husband's job when we've just met. We've just moved, and most people I've met seem to be a bit like this.