to ask what are you friendship red flags?

[Buffyitout]

(As opposed to romantic relationship ones.)

I ask because a friend of a few years' standing has always left me feeling uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think its because she has never introduced me to any of hers yet she's met most of mine. And isnt in touch with any of her old friends, or bridesmaids, everyone around her seems "new."

Are these red flags? What are yours?

[MistressDeeCee]

People who have no real life friends but plenty of online friends. Ive met a few like that, makes me wary.

People who only ever talk about themselves. & are quick to use you as a sounding board when they have issues (on your phone day & night, etc) but either melt away when you have a crisis, or turn it round to being about THEM.

Its made me think of a friend I dropped recently. Known her many years. Looking back I realised she always had to drop bitchy remarks about women ie we could be on a night out & she'd mock someone's clothes or hair (random strangers, that is....). Actually, men too "oh look at that guy he's so fat..oh he looks old..." etc.

Horrible misogynistic cheating partner, & she wanted every conversation to be about how horrific he was, would phone me and diss him, but when he was back on the scene wouldn't hear a peep out of her...all was well in her world. When he misbehaved, of course she'd be back around.

When we were on nights out she'd actually be really straight faced. I like doing dance classes, she'd tag along. People socialise in bar after class and I remember her being so stony-faced when people spoke to us, that I felt embarassed inside. & that secretly, she wanted to be around me so as to cramp my style in some way...after all if Im sitting with her then, her attitude would drive people away. Made me very uneasy & Im much happier since I dropped her & her miserable ways and face from my life. I feel any friend that makes you uneasy, has to go. Life's too short.

[Whoregasm]

Oh yes, neediness is another one. Have made new friends in the past only to realise (to my horror) that they want to exchange a dozen texts per day and meet for a coffee at least twice a week.

And if I can't accommodate them it's resulted in intense [shudder] conversations about 'I need to know you're there for me'

Makes me want to run screaming for the hills and did

[FryOneFatManic]

When they phone you and you let it go to voicemail

Disagree with this. There are times when I've had my phone on silent and haven't been able to answer calls, eg driving or in a meeting. I call back when it's practical and safe to do so.

[LadyFlumpalot]

I have one acquaintance who has a serious victim complex. That is a massive red flag to me. For example, if a few of us wanted to do an activity one weekend that she didn't want to do then she would go on a massive rant accusing us of picking that specific activity deliberately with the sole intention of leaving her out. It makes any planning very difficult as we all feel we have to walk on eggshells.

Also overly needy people. I had a friend once who would text several times a day then get very arsey if you didn't respond within a few minutes. She stopped speaking to me over it - I tried to explain that I can't always reply straight away, what with being at work and everything but she wasn't having it.

[BeyondTheWall]

I'm disabled, have a few mum-friends with various health issues too (not that i only like people who are ill!). I know where they all are in their benefit claims as mine was one of the first, so i help out.

Very big red flag for me earlier this week. An acquaintance (who is very much an oversharer) was talking about how she was jealous of my wheelchair because of her health problems (i can understand this, before i did get my chair i was struggling pretending i wasnt that bad too). I asked if she minded saying what was wrong and was there was anything she needed help with. She said its her back and i sympathised about how it can take ages to find out what the cause is for a bad back (again, i know people who have had this problem. Even in my case, where the cause is known, its difficult to prove it from xrays etc). She says she isnt under a consultant and then said that she gets PIP for it, and goes on to explain that its disability benefit (to the woman in the wheelchair!)

red alert goes off in my head, it is nigh on impossible to get pip for a bad back. I wont say she was 100% lying of course, but that particular claim to me was a red flag.

[WinnieTheWilt]

The mention of aloe vera.

[kennyp]

i don't have any old friends!! shit!!! i'm facebook friends with schoolfriends but we don't see each other. i moved miles away (no hard feelings) (why am i defending myself?!!?!?!?!?!)

friend of mine is very - woe is me/i can't park the car - i need a man to help me/i can't cope etc. she's manipulative and others seem to drop at her feet to help her out. i've had a "friend" like this before though so i don't get involved. i'm wise to that kind of "ickly me. poor me" mantality.

other "friend" bangs on about pictures of her in a bikini on facebook and how she wears a size 8. i wear a size 20 and i think she's insensitive. or just rude? i can't work it out.

i give out short shrift in spades. (polishes halo)

[Whoregasm]

And I can't bear drama queens. I want my friends to behave like adults. I don't have anytime for histrionics or attention seeking ploys or tantrums thank you very much.

I have never tolerated that sort of behaviour in my own children so I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with it in a grown woman thanks very much.

And in a similar vein, I expect adults to be adults and be pretty responsible and non-flaky, especially where children are concerned (theirs and mine).

Went to collect DD from her new friend's house recently at pre-arranged time with her friend's Mum. When I arrived no one was home The Mum showed up 20 minutes later, but had no idea where our DDs were She vaguely remembered her DD had mentioned going over to see another friend but couldn't remember the name or where she lived Not such a huge deal if they were 15, but they're only 11!

By this point I could barely be civil to the woman. Luckily our DDs arrived within 10 minutes, DD looking very stressed as she knew I would be waiting and worried where they'd been.

It's highly unlikely DD will be going over there again until she's a few years older.

[madeitagain]

People who talk over the top of you, people who talk only about their life and the conversation is one sided. People who tell you about a nasty comment someone has made about you..................why?

[carabos]

People who want to be your friend because they think you are someone or could be useful to them. I get a bit of this vicariously because of DH's job and believe me, after 25 years I can spot it a mile off .

People who pretend they are your friend to others when they barely know you. Experienced this as recently as yesterday - my trainer said he'd met someone who was thinking of coming to our gym because she knows I go there and she's one of my closest friends. Except he couldn't remember her name and nothing in the description he gave rang a bell. He even told me the make and model of her car - nope, nothing, blank. Bit strange that I can't remember one of my closest friends .

[bertsdinner]

Bitchiness is my main red flag. If they bitch about other people, they will be bitching about you, too.
I also don't like subtle put downs/boasting in a way that is also a way of putting you down too. For example, bragging about going on holiday if you know the other person is skint and longing for a holiday. Nothing wrong with talking about the hols/whatever, but I'm sure some people do it on purpose.

Selfishness is annoying, I've got an old friend who talks constantly about herself, with little interest in anything that is nothing to do with her all important self. She is also very funny and witty, so we are still friends, but I could never rely on her in an hour of need.

[MewlingQuim]

Lying to me.

Rolling around on the floor crying when someone says something they don't like, a full on tantrum like a 2 year old.

Both of the above from the 30 something wife of a good male friend of mine and DH's. We both tried really hard to be friends with her too so we could all socialise together, but she was just nuts. Eventually our friendship with her husband broke down as she realised she could not manipulate us so she started making up tales to him about things we had supposedly said until he hated us

He then became friends with another couple (also friends of ours) and she did exactly the same to them too

[recall]

also - when you end up feeling guilty for not contacting them, and find yourself doing it to of duty - pointless

[recall]

When they phone you and you let it go to voicemail, when a proper good friend phones, I answer it immediately because I really do want to hear their voice.

[Fluffybear86]

I know a lady who is very over familiar and after meeting me twice was contacting me asking me to go out with her and not with other friends! She's also a coke head oh joys !

[Whoregasm]

Red flags for me include:

People who don't seem to really have many other friends and especially if they don't have any friends older than a few months to a year. Why is that exactly

People who seem to lead such complicated lives and have nasty issues with their ex partner (or several ex partners) and associated tangles with their shared families. And furthermore quickly want to drag you into their very messy lives. No thanks.

People who delight in gossip especially when it can be harmful. If you ever employ the phrase 'I shouldn't really be telling you, because I promised I wouldn't tell a soul, but...' then I will smile but mentally take 3 steps back from you and never let you within arm's length again. I will certainly never confide in you about anything.

People who are into power play and manipulation, trying to create separate sub-groups within the larger social group. I hate this sort of pettiness and I hate hidden agendas. I can spot these sort of people a mile off and I Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

[IUseAnyName]

People who scare me.... Such as locals who act like 'this is my village' and like to start fights, or known for being rough, sweary, loud, get drink lots etc... There are a few in my new local village (i'm an outsider) and although they're nice to me I am nervous of ever upsetting any of them so I keep my distance.

[Roussette]

Red flags...
Someone who tells you that all her previous friends have been horrible to her and just dumped her as a friend out the blue. (Then she behaves very poorly yet again and you've had enough and distance yourself. You then realise why all these friends of hers have disappeared on her!)

Someone who makes you feel you are being taken advantage of. In all sorts of ways - money, time and your own good nature.

Someone with whom you always have to agree or she will have a complete meltdown and be pretty nasty.

This is all the same person and I am so relieved we aren't in touch anymore!

[Hermi0ne]

ScrumpyBetty your friend sounds horrible, you should def reconsider the friendship.

[Hermi0ne]

I dont have any "super old friends", if you mean friends from school that is. I used to have a best friend from Kindergarten until our late teenager years, but we just grew apart, no hard feelings there. Then I had a good friend in school that moved pretty far away, we used to write eachother for years, but I havent seen her in ages.

In high School I had a group of friends but I cut all contact with them, and Im so glad I did! 2 of them are allright People but we just dont have much in commen. The reason Im so glad to be shot of the others is this:

One told constant lies, pretty obvious ones at that and got mad at you for not believing her. I kid you not! She was an allround nutjob really, her craziness got steadily worse the older she got. She had the weirdest opinions, said things like "breastfeeding is incest".... There is more to that loon but I dont want to bore you with it. So, very glad to be rid of that one.

The other one was a bossy, know it all who thought she was the smartest and always gave you that feeling to dumber than her. Nice. She also got mad if you had a better grade than her, which happened occasionally.

I can see why people would think not having old friends is a red flag but I also think in some cases (like mine) it s not their fault.

On top of this I moved country about a year ago, together with my best friend. We`ve been friends for 6 years now, and she is wonderful. I´ve made a couple friends here so far.

Sorry for the essay.

[ScrumpyBetty]

I am friends with a woman who is raising serious red flags tbh, because
-she has had dramatic falli outs with friends/ neighbours and almost all of her lodgers, but it is never her fault. Funny that

• she is completely self centred and talks about herself 99% of the time I am with her and I doubt that she actually knows much about me or what I have been doing but I sure do know everything about her
  

-she has made veiled remarks and insults to me, yet she is extremely quick to take offence herself

• and lastly, she has used me as free childcare, dumping her DS on me more than once saying she has needed to dash to an emergency appointment more than once
  

Sheesh. After writing all of that down, I realise I need to reconsider our friendship. The problem is that our DS's are the same age and get on really well.

[imwithspud]

I agree about the too much, too soon comments. I like things to happen naturally, and to me someone claiming to be my best mate after a short period of time doesn't feel very natural. I'm shy and it takes me a while to come out of my shell and feel completely comfortable around others, so how can I possibly be best friends with someone after a matter of weeks? I feel like a 'best friend' type friendship happens over time and once you get to that point of closeness it sort of goes without saying.

Lack of honesty is something I'm wary of, and false-ness.

Blowing hot and cold. Being off with me for seemingly no reason then within days being so far up my arse you can almost see what I had for breakfast that morning. It's confusing and annoying and makes me wonder if I've done something to piss you off.

Not being able to be happy for you (or even just feign it) when something positive happens.

Expecting people to be there for you when you're going through a shit time but not reciprocating and even becoming jealous/bitter when something bad happens in someone else's life because the attention isn't all on them for a change.

Arranging to do something in advance then the person you arranged it with forgetting and making other plans instead.

I don't really have many 'old' friends. There are a couple who I keep in regular contact with. I've just drifted apart from people over time as a result of settling down/having babies/life in general, afaik there's no animosity with the majority of them. If I bumped into them in the street we would probably be able to have a normal conversation. Unfortunately some friendships did end badly, sometimes it was my fault - sometimes not. I would hate to be considered a 'red flag' because of this though. I've made many mistakes over the years and I've tried to learn from them. Some of my experiences how ever have made me nervous about pursuing new friendships because I'm worried I'll screw things up.

[CrapBag]

"My main bugbear - which has caused me problems in two friendships in particular, is controlling people. They 'suggest' things and plan all the details every time. They then get cross if these details are compromised. They also ram opinions down your throat so you feel you have to agree just to shut them" astrid do we know the same person . I know someone like this and I have totally distanced myself as it gets on my nerves. I'm the only one to see it though. Everyone else thinks she's great.