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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what are you friendship red flags?

106 replies

Buffyitout · 28/06/2015 19:25

(As opposed to romantic relationship ones.)

I ask because a friend of a few years' standing has always left me feeling uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think its because she has never introduced me to any of hers yet she's met most of mine. And isnt in touch with any of her old friends, or bridesmaids, everyone around her seems "new."

Are these red flags? What are yours?

OP posts:

Tizwailor · 28/06/2015 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

andyourlittledogtoo · 28/06/2015 20:40

OP you say you're not 100 % what the reason is for your uneasiness... Is there anything else you think it might be?

Allisgood1 · 28/06/2015 20:43

Lies. I always listen, so when you tell me about that thing that happened 5 years ago and then re-tell that story in front of me and a bunch of other people with some exaggeration, it raises many red flags.

andyourlittledogtoo · 28/06/2015 20:48

Had a new BFF once who never seemed to see anyone else... Turned out she'd dumped all her old pals over some petty issue and then proceeded to parasite off my mates, before catapulting herself out of my life in a spectacular display of animosity and villainy.... Think that was an extreme example tho

Mintyy · 28/06/2015 20:53

Op, I agree with you. A friend who doesn't have any old friends seems a bit iffy to me.

Also, I can't get along with people who can only talk about children all the time.

Thirdly, I am freaked out by friends who want to see me more than once a month or so. I have a busy life (don't we all) lots of people to see. Wanting daily or weekly contact seems a bit clingy to me.

Original poster

Buffyitout · 28/06/2015 20:56

Andyourlittkedogtoo. Hmm. She keeps her friends separate, but talks about them a lot, right down to personal stuff. And I realised she had told one of them about something I had shared that was HIGHLY confidential. Obviously she shared it to people I don't know and have never met, but all the same my senses tingled.

I also think that with her you're either ON or OFF. Whereas with my old mates we always bubble along and pick up where we leave off.

OP posts:

lomega · 28/06/2015 20:58

I have 2-3 'old time' friends, we've stayed friends because we appreciate our lives are busy and we don't always have time to meet up like before. But whenever we do meet, it's always like no time has passed, it's never awkward or forced. I guess it works because we are all understanding and busy, but value the other person too, to the point of arranging meet ups etc. I also have a few new friends (past 5 years or so) but they are mainly work connections. Which is nice!

Anyway, red flags:

Asking me to lend you money (unless it was an old time friend in a real emergency)
Likewise, using me as your personal ATM/petty cash or guilting me into paying for you (ie drinks on a night out, unless pre-arranged)
Being rude/nasty to me because of a difference of opinion
People who are outwardly racist, sexist, homophobic, prejudiced etc
Overly jealous/competitive personalities who have to make digs about things in my life that they want, but can't have, so try to bring it down a peg or two....really does my head in!!

mamadoc · 28/06/2015 21:05

Slagging off other people.

Because you will be next!

PenelopeChipShop · 28/06/2015 21:06

OP I'm also depressed that your 'red flag' is not having old friends! Some people have bad experiences when young and can't wait to leave school and everyone associated with it behind - they can still be a good friend!

I had a simolsr experience to flessen too - a mum who told me constantly that I needed to work on my social skills, was too quiet and didn't have enough friends - it becomes the truth as you think, if my mum is saying that it must be right. In actual fact I now realise I have limited myself through lack of confidence, but it's become so difficult to do anything else. That voice is always there saying 'people don't want to hear your stories/ hang around with you/ knew about your life'. Just to give you some background on why people may be like that...

Anyway from my PoV it is people who just talk about themselves and display no interest in you whatsoever. I've known more than my fair share of them, though oddly they always seem to have plenty of friends, so perhaps this is fine in most people's eyes??!!

ollieplimsoles · 28/06/2015 21:06

Ive always felt extremely uneasy around 'friends' especially women, who feel the need to step over other women in order to succeed or get what they want.

Another big red flag for me is a friend who patronises me or uses thinly- veiled insults and stealth boasts to make herself feel better: "You have more weight on your hips so you can wear this style better"

"its so annoying when I'm trying to have a conversation with a man, they always try to ask me.out all the time"

So boring, gets old fast

mimishimmi · 28/06/2015 21:20

Asking for childcare shortly after making an attempt to befriend you, asking for money, belittling you, running down other people.

Original poster

Buffyitout · 28/06/2015 21:24

In this case she mentions old friends from university and travelling - where they lived, what they did etc, but then that she's not in contact because they had a falling out. The same with her bridesmaids. The same with her NCT group. All full on friendships and then she distances herself, I suspect for some imagined slight.

OP posts:

susurration · 28/06/2015 21:37

I don't have many old friends, unfortunately people seem to drop me and not the other way round (a whole different level of paranoia for me, am I a crap person?!) But I wouldn't necessarily confide that in a new friend so I hope it wouldn't be a red flag for people not to like me :(

Problems for me are when people are drama llamas. And if you only ever talk about yourself and never have a two way friendship. What's the point? you're not really a friend, just someone to sit and listen to the person talking about themselves. I'll be there for you if something happens to you, but if you're going to create drama just for the sake of it and then only talk about yourself and how awful it all is for you then it's not a friendship I'll keep going.

Also racist, homophobic, generally intolerant views really put me off.

To be honest, I just want a quiet life and to have a giggle over a cup of tea with my friends.

susurration · 28/06/2015 21:40

Oh and lies and half truths are a huge issue. If I don't think someone is being genuine I'm very wary. Honesty is a huge thing for me.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendlyghosts · 28/06/2015 21:40

If they bitch about their other friends. Yet 5 minutes earlier they were licking their arse. If they are bitching with you they will bitch about you. I left all that behind in school

ChuffinAda · 28/06/2015 21:43

BItching and two Facedness
Lying
Attention seeking

All of which I got from one person. They never seemed to be able to say anything nice about a mutual friend then the next day were posting on Facebook about them being their best buddy. Also the number of times she'd Say 'dont put this on Facebook I've told x I'm sick so can't meet with them today' it wound me right up

She's an ex friend

holdyourown · 28/06/2015 21:53

yes bitching about other people is a definite no-no - as pp said it will be you next!
competitiveness (with you)
not being pleased for you when something good happens

GoStraightGoStraight · 28/06/2015 21:53

Clingy, overly needy people.

Bitchy people. If they bitch to you about everyone and anyone they'll bitch about you to them as well.

Drama Llamas and emotional vampires.

FunkyPeacock · 28/06/2015 21:57

Agree with much of what everyone else has said

For me the biggest turn off is when a new friend is too intense when you've only just met them. I'm very slowly slowly with friendships and hate it if someone I've just met expects to be BFFs immediately.

CrapBag · 28/06/2015 22:02

I don't really have old friends. I have a habit of making crap ones who treat me badly so I end up ditching them.

Mine are judging and talking about strangers for no reason and pointing it out to you whilst you are out and about. I have someone who is doing this and it's really pissing me off.

Making bitchy comments about friends behind their backs but being nice as pie to their face.

Saying one thing but doing another.

Saying one thing to me but when in different company saying the complete opposite.

Publicly humiliating me even if it's done 'nicely' or as a 'joke'. You can fuck right off.

Being a general pain in the ass and just bloody awkward in general. I cannot be bothered with crap like this.

Not replying to messages and needing to be chased. You are not that important that you cannot spend 30 seconds to reply to text from a friend. I am not going to waste my time with people who can't be assed.

Talking over me like you couldn't care less about what I am saying. Repeatedly.

Being an utter snob and constantly rubbing people up the wrong way to the point they are left with their mouths open.

Me being there for someone in time of crisis but not bothering to reciprocate.

All of these are about people I know.

MissBananaMama · 28/06/2015 22:03

Wow. I've recently cut a couple of 'friends' out of my life (they are friends with one another) Not majorly. Just distanced myself from them and stopped socialising with them. I felt like I was being used and taken for granted (childcare, parties etc) They have since made out like I am a horrible person and have been making a big deal about this to other people (I never said anything to them and was still polite and pleasant if I ever came into their company). I've genuinely questioned myself and thought so many times 'am I the one who's done wrong?'

I know deep down I never done anything and some people are just selfish and so involved in their own shit to realise how badly they treat people but reading this thread has made me feel so much better!! Almost everything mentioned above describe these women!

Thanks :)

andyourlittledogtoo · 28/06/2015 22:13

Buffyitout That new info about dropping multiple friendships def strikes me as a bit odd! And yes that would make me wary... Either she's pissing people off somehow then downplaying her side of things, or she doesn't value friendships enough to tolerate the slightest upset, which sounds a bit thin skinned and diva ish. And the passing on of things told in confidence is v v bad!!

Birdsgottafly · 28/06/2015 23:30

I also don't have any old friends from childhood.

I haven't fell out with them, it's a range of circumstances.

It would be nice to think that people would take into account the reasons why before judging me as "iffy", but then I wouldn't want to know anyone so quick to judge.

Quick to judge, generally judgemental and a gossiper, are mine.

Fatmomma99 · 28/06/2015 23:50

All of the above! (this is a great thread!)

And to the 3(?) of you who haven't kept in touch with old friends and are worried about that being a red flag (one of you was called "curlypoo" - now there's a name! - and I didn't clock the rest) it's not a red flag if there's a good reason (moved, was bullied etc). It only sends up a red flag if you are also someone who seems quick to take offense/love a good drama, etc.

I have a bit of a thing about time keeping. I don't like arrangements being messed around, because I have very little spare time. So if we make an arrangement and you regularly cancel and short notice, I'll stop making arrangements with you. And I don't like being stood up either!

The thing I was thinking while I was reading this was I DO have Bffs, and I do have old friends who I'm in touch with, but only see occasionally (live far apart/have busy lives/I have a child and they are childless so our lives are different) but what I didn't have (until v recently) was mates. Or not Bff friends, but local friends. I didn't have anyone to have a 'quick drink' or "fancy a cuppa?" with. That's changed a bit now, as i have good acquaintances now I've taken up regular exercise classes. But that's been the thing missing from my life for about the last 15 years. And it has worried me v much, and made me sad.

And like so pps, I have also taken it as a sign that I'm not very get-on-with-able.

kissmethere · 28/06/2015 23:56

Attention seeking
Jealousy
Possessiveness
Over sensitive
Really these are an issue I'm having with a friend at the moment that I've had to back away from. She accused me of also not being there for her when all I've done is be there for her over the years. It's like she has forgotten everything

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