To tell a white lie to DC?

[Happyyellowcar]

This weekend I am taking DD (7months) on the train to visit my parents who live 300 miles away. DS1&2 (5&3) are staying with DH and having a boys weekend involving bbq's and bacon butties. I've done this twice since having DD and have told the boys I am visiting Aunty "X" who is a family friend rather than my parents. This is because DS's love to visit their grandparents and I feel they would be really upset if they knew I was taking DD and leaving them behind. We are all traveling up in the summer hols but I can't take DS1 as he has school and I don't like splitting up DS's as they are so close and have so much fun together. DH wants to tell them the truth as he doesn't like lying to them which I don't either but I really don't want to upset them unnecessarily either. AIBU?

[BankWadger]

I knew Santa would appear on this thread soon! My children kniw Father Christmas is just a game or story (awaits judgement about the magic of Christmas and ruined childhoods - they seem excited enough at Christmas!)

Actually Little I tried to not do Santa with DC1. I'm not a Christmas must be magical person but it better bloody have wine and roast!. The rest of the world didn't agree though so both my children believe in Santa anyway. I do however lie to my children on occasion, sometimes to protect them and sometimes because the truth is none of their damn business.

[BarbarianMum]

I think if you want to lie to them it's up to you (and it's not a white lie, it's a lie that makes your life easier) but YABU to make your dh lie if he isn't comfortable with it.

My parents were very big on lying to stop us being upset. Eventually we cottoned on and just generally distrusted what they said. Bwecause it was really all about them not wanting to deal with the upset their decisions caused.

I think you should either own your decision, or decide something else.

[SayThisOnlyOnce]

I say LIE whilst you still can.

My granny once went away for a few days and her older daughters managed not to tell the littlest one. They said mummy was feeling a bit poorly then took it in turns to lie in bed covered with blankets and showed the little one 'mummy having a nap, shh' and tiptoed out.

BTW all daughters grew up into wonderful amazing women so I don't think the lie damaged anyone!

OP I had a similar situation to you this weekend - DC1 was doing an activity I know he'd love but equally I was taking DC2 somewhere DC1 also loves during that time. I carefully didn't really mention my plans until DC1 piped up 'are you doing x while I'm away???'

Turns out he reads the calendar. I thought I was the only one who EVER referred to the calendar in our house. I wept little proud tears of joy.

[jossiesGiants1]

I hate it when people pipe up that they would never lie to their kids...
Give it a rest...why would the op want to risk a meltdown from a 3 an 5 year old when she doesn't need to.
Just stick to your story, the children will never know and everyone's a winner.
Why make life so difficult when you don't need to.

[Number3cometome]

Since when did kids dictate what parents do and don't do?

You are going without them and that's that.

Tell the truth and when questioned, explain to them that you are the adult and make the decisions.

[Happyyellowcar]

So many conflicting opinions! I wasn't sure about mentioning this but a lot of posters are feeling sorry for DH because I am making him lie...however he does exactly the same thing to his DM whenever his DF comes to visit (or we visit him) as the recently split. He doesn't want to deal with his DM getting upset so he does lie to her when she asks what we're up to at these times. Now I think that's wrong because she's an adult and needs to accept that the DC should see their grandfather. I keep out of it however as its DH decision. In this case I think the kids are to young to be able to deal with this sort of stuff. Also I would tell the actual lie, not DH, and from past experience they don't seem to ask questions while I'm away anyway.

[gingersquirrels]

Your other child will surely reveal the truth?

[Happyyellowcar]

You mean the one going with me ginger? She's only 7 months

[jossiesGiants1]

Why would anyone risk trying to manage a major meltdown by both a 3yr old and 5yr old child, when it can be easily avoided by saying you are going to Auntie X instead of Nan and Grandad's.

It's tough enough being a parent and having to manage unavoidable meltdowns.. Teeth cleaning, Bedtime, Dinner time, Homework Etc... without managing the ones that can be avoided easily.

[longlistofexlovers]

I wouldn't worry about it I'm sure parents tell white lies to kids all the time to get an easier life

Yep. The classic 'when the ice cream man plays his music, it means he doesn't have any ice cream left' borrowed from Jason Manford.

My own personal repertoire includes 'Oh what a shame, your really noisy toy is broken" when I've just taken the batteries out.

[littlejohnnydory]

I've never said any of the examples you mention 001 and hand on heart, I can't ever remember lying to them.

If they can't have an ice cream, I tell them the real reason. It could sometimes be 'not enough money' if it's true but other times it's going to be 'you had one yesterday', 'it's nearly tea time' or even 'we're not having ice cream today'. Genuinely never occurred to me to make up a reason.

I'm quite conscious of indiscriminate praise so I tend to say 'tell me more about your picture' or make a comment like 'you've used so many different colours' rather than 'that's a lovely picture'.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

It wouldn't cost me a thought.

But

If this is your third visit in 7 months without the 2 older children then you are setting a frequency for visits that you can't honour going forward when you have to travel with 3. Stop fretting but you will probably have to step up and just take DC1 or DC1&2 in the Autumn leaving DD with DH.

[littlejohnnydory]

I think 3 visits in 7 months without the older two is mean tbh, if it's just because travelling without them is easier. Agree that dh is being a hypocrite about the lying.

[littlejohnnydory]

001, genuine question, if your dh says you look lovely all the time, does it actually make you feel good? Wouldn't it be better if he only said it when he meant it, and therefore you knew it was genuine? I don't think my dh would lie in that situation, he'd probably make a joke and we'd both laugh!

[00100001]

no, it makes me feel better. If he said "god, yes you look fucking awful" I'd probably cry

[Ragwort]

Why on earth is it mean for someone to want to visit their parents without dragging all three children along? .

Why do you even have to say exactly where you are going, does a 5 year old really sit you down and ask about your journey/plans etc . I would have just said to my 5 year old 'I'm going away this weekend, you'll be having a lovely time with Dad' - he wouldn't have given me an inquisition on where I was going or who I was seeing.

[Happyyellowcar]

littlejohnny erm thanks but I wasn't asking AIBU to actually visit my parents! We live round the corner to DMIL and hundreds of miles from my folks. They're very dear to me so I think 3 times in 7 months is quite inadequate actually. DS1 & 2 are perfectly happy with DH but I'm guessing they would be upset if they knew I was visiting DM and DF. That's all.

[Welshmaenad]

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I often tell my children in doing 'boring jobs' whilst they're in school when I'm actually going for lunch with my sister.

But if your DH insists on telling them the truth, why not saying you're going to 'plan' their summer holiday visit? Bring home a few leaflets for attractions you'd be happy to visit and let them pick one they want to go to. If they have to know you're going, giving them a reason that involves them might make them less sore about it. And isn't really lying either as I'm sure you and your DParents will discuss the family visit.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Jaysus - I lie to my kids so much that I can't remember what I've lied about.

DS1 - "mama, can I have some wine?"
Me - "no DS1, not are you only 3, but wine is awful stuff!" - see? Total lie.

DS1 - "mama, can I watch tellytubbies?"
Me - "no DS1, the tellytubbies are dead..."

I'm sure my lies will become more elaborate as they get older and I look forward to the challenge of creating new and exciting fibs.

[Gottagetmoving]

If you want to tell them you are going somewhere else then do so, but selling them the truth should not be an issue.
OK, they may be upset but children have to learn that sometimes things happen that they won't like.
You can make a big thing about how much fun they are going to have with just all boys together and that they will he going to their grandparents soon.
I think your DH is right to want them to know the truth and stat to learn how to cope with it.

[BankWadger]

does a 5 year old really sit you down and ask about your journey/plans etc

DS started doing this at about 5. He's such a nosy little fucker darling . (Well okay, not actually sitting me down, but grilling me)

Go and have a good time OP.

[TinyTearsFirstLove]

I would tell them the same story as what you've said. Why go through all the upset and then guilt when they get upset. Tell them the white lie and enjoy yourself. If dh feels really bad about lying, you could always give him the go ahead to say "change of plans, Mummy's gone to grandparents" once your safely settled on the train, let him deal with the fallout if he feels that strongly about the white lie.

[littlejohnnydory]

I didn't say you were being unreasonable to visit your parents, OP! I said it was a bit mean to have been three times in seven months without two dc who want to see their grandparents. Do your parents not want to see them too?