To tell a white lie to DC?

[Happyyellowcar]

This weekend I am taking DD (7months) on the train to visit my parents who live 300 miles away. DS1&2 (5&3) are staying with DH and having a boys weekend involving bbq's and bacon butties. I've done this twice since having DD and have told the boys I am visiting Aunty "X" who is a family friend rather than my parents. This is because DS's love to visit their grandparents and I feel they would be really upset if they knew I was taking DD and leaving them behind. We are all traveling up in the summer hols but I can't take DS1 as he has school and I don't like splitting up DS's as they are so close and have so much fun together. DH wants to tell them the truth as he doesn't like lying to them which I don't either but I really don't want to upset them unnecessarily either. AIBU?

[HellKitty]

You need to be honest. Big up the 'boys' weekend and all the fun stuff they'll be doing but I'd over emphasise all the 'girl' stuff you, DD and Grandma will be doing that they wouldn't enjoy. That's a white lie. Telling them you're somewhere else with someone else is a full blown lie.

It'll make it easier for when/if you go in future.

[00100001]

TH eproblem with MN is you have a undercurrent of "we must never lie to our children" when in fact, people do it everyday and it does them no harm.

If DH wants to tell them, because he's not comfortable with it, but he needs to do it in a way to cause least upset.

[BankWadger]

Do they believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy? And if yes is DH complicit in their belief of them?

If he is he needs to stop with his moralising and enjoy his time with them.

On the part of your parents and you, will you manage not to slip up and mention this visit when the whole family is there. 5 is plenty old enough to realise he's been duped and be upset about it.

[NerrSnerr]

What if Grandma says something like 'oooh you've grown since I saw you in June' to your dd over the summer and gives the game away? I would tell the truth personally, it's not worth the fallout.

[Shetland]

I tell the exact same lie to my 2 - aged 4 and 2. They love visiting grandad and we go often but I also have one weekend a year when I go alone. I tell them I'm visiting 'a friend' It saves upset all round. I do feel guilty about it but I think it's best. I would certainly fib if I was taking one child with me as that would seem very unfair to them even though there are good reasons.

[littlejohnnydory]

People often do lie to their children, I'd disagree that it's harmless. How are they supposed to trust you?

[00100001]

LIttle - you have NEVER lied to your children? Ever??

[00100001]

litle ^

[00100001]

People lie all the time little

My husband tell fibs about me like.. when I'm feeling particularly grotty at certain times of the month, I'll say things like, "I look awful" and he'll say "No you don't love" even though I'm standing there in scruffy PJs, hair a mess and tear stained clutching a chocolate bar.... DOens't mena I don't trust him!

[AuntyMag10]

Goodness what a big deal over nothing. Can't believe some people are so self righteous they never ever lie to their children. Your kids are little they will get over it. Hardly need to run every decision by them.

[littlejohnnydory]

I don't think I have ever lied to my children, no.

[Purpleflamingos]

Whatever you decide...if this continues past the age your dd learns to talk then you're going to have to tell them or she will, much like how my half day nursery attending 4yr old winds her 5yr old brother up after school by telling him what we've done together whether it be the park, a cafe with friends or baking..

[RainbowFlutterby]

I'm with Bankwadger on this.

If your DH doesn't do Santa etc then he can take the moral high ground that it's wrong to lie. If he does do Santa etc then he's being a hypocrite.

[00100001]

littlejohn

No tone teeeeeny tiny fib... ever?


You've never once said something like this;

"Oh wow, what a good picture of soandso" when in reality it was a stick man?

"Let me kiss/rub it better" when they hurt themselves?

You've never ever indulged in tooth fairy/father Christmas/Easter bunny?

You've never ever said you 'don't have enough money' when they pester for ice-cream/sweets/whatever, whilst there's money sitting in your bank account?

[00100001]

you've never given them a surprise?

[00100001]

purple I doubt this will continue to when the DD can talk! It's whilst she's a baby obviously.

[littlejohnnydory]

I knew Santa would appear on this thread soon! My children kniw Father Christmas is just a game or story (awaits judgement about the magic of Christmas and ruined childhoods - they seem excited enough at Christmas!)

[00100001]

what about the other examples?


because I just do not believe that any parent has NEVER lied to their children.

I believe that they aren't deceitful, or telling huge lies when they say this. But they will at some point have told a lie to their child. It's human nature to lie. We lie so as not to hurt other people's feelings all the time

[00100001]

and we do lie to children because some things they just don't need to know about.

[SkippyTheBushKangeroo]

I wouldn't lie about that although I'm sure I have lied about other things. I'm all for an easy life but if you pander to their feelings all the time then they get too spoilt. Even at their age. Little dissapointments are part of life. I don't think you need to be brutally honest about everything but I wouldn't shield them from this. I never shielded my DC if they didn't get an invite for a school friends party.
You should tell your DC how it's nice for you to visit your parents and how excited you are are rather that underplaying it. You might be surprised to find that they are happy for you rather than being upset for themselves.

[00100001]

I agree about the intention being the key to 'lies and fibs'

but you do get parents who insist they never even tell fibs!

[undoubtedly]

I lie all the time to DS!

No darling, mummy's just tired = mummy's hungover

Don't worry, it's fine = it's not fine, you've broken mummy's best cup

We'll maybe go to the park tomorrow = no we won't because we've got other plans tomorrow

Oh yes you're right, Daddy's so funny = Daddy is a cheating knob end

etc

[SkippyTheBushKangeroo]

I've really try to never lie in real life. Obviously it would be a lie to say I manage it but I try hard not to. I certainly would never say to my kids I couldn't afford something when I could Just for an easy excuse. I would also not make up an lie about why I couldn't do something or go somewhere with the kids if the really reason was that I couldn't be arsed. I think not being arsed is a perfectly good reason and one that kids can understand. .

I'd tell white lies about how they look and things like that but not overly so.

[RumbleMum]

I think YANBU. I tell my eldest a fib when I visit my Mum or sister with DS2 (nearly 2) as DS1 (also 5) would be SO upset if he realised we'd gone without him, and we're similarly restricted with when we can go. I feel we're saving everyone a lot of upset.