Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

To tell a white lie to DC?

102 replies

Happyyellowcar · 16/06/2015 07:18

This weekend I am taking DD (7months) on the train to visit my parents who live 300 miles away. DS1&2 (5&3) are staying with DH and having a boys weekend involving bbq's and bacon butties. I've done this twice since having DD and have told the boys I am visiting Aunty "X" who is a family friend rather than my parents. This is because DS's love to visit their grandparents and I feel they would be really upset if they knew I was taking DD and leaving them behind. We are all traveling up in the summer hols but I can't take DS1 as he has school and I don't like splitting up DS's as they are so close and have so much fun together. DH wants to tell them the truth as he doesn't like lying to them which I don't either but I really don't want to upset them unnecessarily either. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/08/2015 15:47

*all the questions they had

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/08/2015 15:47

There's deliberate lying to decieve and there's omission of the truth to protect

I avoid don't the former as much as I possibly can, but the latter is not only unavoidable, many times it is necessary.

after all, you couldn't tell you best friend you are organising a surprise birthday party for her, you can't and won't discuss personal and intimate details of your life with anyone, you won't be descrbing the last gory details on the latest bloody atrocities to your young children etc.

OP

I understand the dilemma but I agree with your DH. at 3 and 5 they are the perfect age to start learning to accept that you go see your parents now, they will do it later.
you could ask them to send a nice drawing to granny, spin it positively.

I had a MC when our kids were 7, 5, 3 & 1. All the questions I had I answered to the best of my knowledge, and tried to keep it age appropriate.
but when DS1 wanted to know about the ERPC and asked "Is that going to hurt baby? is baby going to get squashed? is baby going to bleed? " etc I had no choice but to answer him properly. there's no way I could lie. he was worried about baby so much that the more he knew the more reassured he bacame.
it was hard. still makes me well up, thinking just how much he cared.
but I know that being honest about everything was the right thing to do

my mum, dad and sister are/were always big on fibbing. I hate/d that. I don't see the point of lying to someone who craves to know the truth. And I always know when DM lies to me. we have a bad relationship because I just don't trust her.
It's sad.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/08/2015 15:28

btw my post is not showing the winky face I thought I added.
oops

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/08/2015 15:25

does your DH tell them about Father Christmas bringing presents?
if yes then he hasn't got a leg to stand on

end of

tiggytape · 17/06/2015 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notso · 17/06/2015 10:27

I guess I just wouldn't assume that they couldn't cope with it. Maybe I'm mean but I don't think my children need protecting from their own emotions and I don't think it's a terrible thing for them to know they can't be part of everything.
At two and three my two youngest could understand that me or DH were going away and they would be staying at home with the other parent or that DH and I were going away for a weekend and they would be having a fun time at GP's.
They did cry a bit as we left but were soon distracted and happy all weekend. Now at three and four they don't bat an eyelid if we go away.

Happyyellowcar · 17/06/2015 09:46

Anyhow - had a talk with DH and we've agreed to go with the Aunty X story this time. I don't think I will look back in years to come and regret spending some quality time with my parents. I expect I will confess all to the DC when they are grown ups. If I remember.

OP posts:

00100001 · 17/06/2015 09:42

So a blanket "I don't trust them" is quite unfair.

BarbarianMum · 17/06/2015 09:22

I trust that my parents love me and I trust them when they say that they've popped to the shop, yes. What I don't trust them about are the big things. I don't trust them to tell me the truth about their health for example - they wouldn't want to upset me after all - so am constantly worried that things may be worse than they are.

I also don't trust them to cope when something bad happens to me. I know they can't handle me being upset so I make sure I don't share anything that upsets me with them. I don't want that for my kids - I want them to know they can come to me if they're upset and I'll be there for them. I want them to trust me to help them through bad times, whether that's being upset they didn't get a part in the school team, or the big stuff later on.

00100001 · 17/06/2015 08:43

So now Barbarian you don't trust your aotents at all... In anything? When they say they love you? When theyvsay "oh we popped to the shops the other day" you tuinkbtheure lying to you???

Happyyellowcar · 17/06/2015 08:28

Well that does sound like an awful situation so I'm sorry for you and your cousin- but how old are we talking about here? My eldest is only 5 and I am trying to shield him still from the harsher realities of life at least for a few years! I remember vividly learning about death at quite a young age and how terrifying it was. I still wouldn't tell a 5 year old about a person committing suicide!

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 17/06/2015 08:22

That makes you sound naive OP. Maybe i think it would have been better to have learnt the truth - kindly told in an age appropriate way - from people who loved me, rather than from other children in the playground. Certainly it would have been better for my cousin He got to find out in a shitty way then had to deal with it alone for years cause he wasn't supposed to know.

Happyyellowcar · 17/06/2015 07:47

Think that makes you sound a bit childish if I may say so barbarian - can you not see it from their point of view now you're an adult? Why would you try to explain suicide to a child?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 17/06/2015 07:29

My parents lied to me and I don't trust them. It wasn't the Father Christmas lies that did it, it was all the lies to avoid causing us upset. The dog had gone to live on a farm dog has gone back to the dog's home after biting my dad , dad has a new job and hasn't been paid yet dad has lost his job and money's really tight Uncle J died in his sleep uncle J committed suicide

They would have loved the OP's approach - so sensible - and they used it all the time. They couldn't deal with negative emotions healthily -ours or theirs - so they didn't.

00100001 · 17/06/2015 07:02

Were they little lies or big fat hurtful lies though?

SayThisOnlyOnce · 17/06/2015 07:01

Crying tears @ 'tellytubbies are dead'. Priceless!

littlejohnnydory · 17/06/2015 06:56

My parents lied to me all the time too. I don't trust them.

00100001 · 17/06/2015 06:50

I really want to know how many people on this post that are harping on about trust, did you fibbed to as kids and now do not trust their parents? And do you know a 5/6/7/8/9 who claims not to trust their parents because of a fib?

Seriously.

I got lied to about little things all the time. Like father Christmas. Where we were going for a birthday outing. why I wasn't allowed that Toy etc

I still trust my parents

StrumpersPlunkett · 16/06/2015 21:53

I would go ahead with what you have decided for this time.
However I wouldn't do it next.
I think it is straightforward to be honest with the boys, you and dd are going to see gp's to leave boys to have Daddy adventures.

Happyyellowcar · 16/06/2015 21:53

There won't be many more times sadly - I work term times too so all too soon these little trips will end...

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 16/06/2015 21:46

Because (some might say) trust is based on honesty, and it's important that they trust you long term. Because your dh doesn't want to lie to them. Because, sure, you could lie this time but what about next time, or the time after that? Because this is exactly the sort of scenario which gets found out in the end.

Happyyellowcar · 16/06/2015 21:34

notso of course I say no to stuff all the time: can we watch TV? No! Can we go on the iPad? No! Can we have ice creams? No! Can we have cake after breakfast? No!
All from today
But why would I unnecessarily upset them when I don't have to? I don't want them upset if I can help it.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Happyyellowcar · 16/06/2015 21:30

notso see above post - the eldest DC have been twice in the hols since DD was born but no I won't take them all just for the weekend for reasons I already stated in a pp.

OP posts:

Happyyellowcar · 16/06/2015 21:27

littlejohnny we have all been as a family twice since DD was born as well back in the feb half term and at Easter. Of course I would love to take all the DC all the time and indeed I used to before DS1 started school. Work permitting we could go for long weekends whenever we wanted. Since September however we are really restricted to the school hols and we couldn't go last hols because of another family commitment. We are all going again in August and probably before Christmas so the DC will have been up 4 times for at least a week each time. This will be the 3rd time since last November that I will have taken DD by myself - mainly so I can have a "proper" catch up with my folks without having to run round after all the DC. I find it almost impossible to even have a conversation with my DP when all the DC are there so I may as well just have stayed at home and picked up the phone once they are at school and pre school. However the DC love to go as there is lots to do in their particular town. Hope that clarifies things.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 16/06/2015 21:20

I think you should tell them. It's ok for kids to get upset, and it's ok for them to understand they can't always do everything even if it's fun

Agree with this

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.