Utterly bored and frustrated by living in a small town

[saltnpepa]

We live in a small town and I am so bored and frustrated by the mundaneness of it. I'm from inner London and here I am in the middle of effing nowhere and all the families are white and middle class and wear Boden. There is no crime and no bad behaviour from anyone at anytime. Nobody swears or cracks jokes, there's no vibrancy or creativity, everyone is the bloody same. The mothers are polite and very decent and the husbands are all doing the right things and I only know of one single mum. I stick out like a sore thumb and am sick of rubbing people up the wrong way unintentionally just because I'm different. My kids love it here as does my rather conservative husband, I feel like running down the street naked covered in talcum powder and jam just to cause a stir. It is a 'nice' life but unstimulating and I worry that my kids will grow up to be just like the locals.

[Lucy61]

Cardibach is right. There must be a happy medium. We're moving out of this town and to a small city with festivals, arts and a good music scene which is also surrounded by countryside. Can't wait.

[Mintyy]

I would feel the same as you op and you have my sympathies!

I just cannot understand why someone would want to live in the same place all their life! All their life? For the whole of it? You only get 80ish years if you are very very lucky, but 80 years in a small town or village. Not for me, no.

[DinosaursRoar]

Well if moving isn't an option, then finding a way to feel less bored is going to be your only option. That said, you haven't said what, other than an apparent lack of racism, you miss about London, while there is much more cultural stuff going on in London/big cities, it's not that you miss, what is it you think you'd be doing there instead? Is it more that your a SAHM with school aged dcs and life can be pretty dull doing that anywhere if you don't make an effort to do other things. Is it the buzz of work you miss? Friends you'd known for years and had shared history with? (I didn't grow up in London, so that wasn't part of my city experience)

What interested you in London that you've not found in your local town?

You say where you live is beige, but think the other way, what sorts of things gave you the feeling of London not being dull?

It might be the case you need to find work (ideally in a busy location) as being in the "at home" community doesn't suit you (and it might not have done in London either), or hobbies that might give you more than just the dcs and the dcs classmates mums in your life.

[Dijon888]

I'm in a small town but it's great. Creative, active, very PC but hilly and rather niiiiice at the same time. Sadly we don't have the science museum at our doorstep - today my boys spend hours building damns in streams, then building their own fire to cook some marshmallows. We generally make a lot of our own fun but there's also a good amount going on in our community

[ragged]

Does everybody connect to everyone else?

You dare not slag anyone off because sure enough, they'll turn out to be someone's best mate or sister.

You don't socialise with any of these people. Your DS upsets Amy. Then Penny says her DD Pam is too busy to come play with your DD. You can't figure out why (Pam plays by herself in the park on the day she was supposed to be 'too busy'); until you find out Penny is Amy's aunt. No surprise, since 6yo Amy told (my) DS all about when Amy's mom got stopped by the police for using a mobile while driving. Someone else tells you about how Amy's mom kicked her husband out. Yet if you don't pick up some gossip you run risk of putting huge foot in it by trying to be friendly asking Amy-Mum about how is Amy-Dad getting on with his new job much discussed previously.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH...

I fantasise about the day I go back to live in the Big Bad City.

[NinkyNonkers]

Oh my life. Just move already. Leave the boredom and beige to those who don't seem to see stereotypes everywhere.

[tellmemore1982]

Surely the issue here is that OP has identified in her town a community of like minded people living within a like minded set of social norms, that she doesn't like very much.

I have lived in both rural and city areas, and communities in this sense are just as prevalent in cities, there are just more types of them. They are very often shaped by nationality, religion or wealth, there's nothing unusual about that.

What you also get in cities though are blended identities, where people choose qualities from various communities that they like and live by their own set of values. It sounds like this is the type of person or group OP is missing.

Highlighting a difference between your own and another community will invariably lead to feelings of divide, prejudice, even racism. But it doesn't mean that small town folk are any more prejudiced or boring than any similar community you might find living in a city, or that there's anything wrong with them simply because you don't identify with the community you've chosen to live in.

[dementedma]

I often visit my sister in London and love my trips and the buzz about the place, but boy am I glad to get home to my semi-rural village. No crowds, air that smells sweet and fresh, less traffic, birdsong, no constant wailing of sirens. Yes, most of the faces here are white but so what? Why should that be a problem?
I find Londoners very friendly compared to here - central scotland- but it is ridiculously overpriced, crowded and dirty. Rural wins for me....

[bigbluebus]

I live in a rural community having moved here from a small city 20 years ago. It takes time to be accepted by the locals but we have never regretted moving here. DS went to the village school and apart from some 'traveller'children the rest were white british. His large secondary school is also not very diverse but my DS is certainly not racist. I don't know anyone who wears Boden here and we have great evenings of entertainment at the local community facility. I am not bored here, nor have I ever been. We talk to the neighbours and in fact sometimes I have to resort to going to the village shop in the car when I am short of time and haven't got time to chat to all the people who I might see on the way if I go on foot.
My DD is severely disabled and everyone accepts her and asks after her if they see us when she is not with us.

We went for a 20 mile bike ride today on quiet country roads and every walker or cyclist said 'hello' as we passed.

We can be in London by train in 2 hours and that is quite close enough for me. London is fine for an occasional visit but you can keep your dirty, noisy, unfriendly city the rest of the time.

[Jux]

Oh boy! I've been mulling over joining the WI too. It's not all Boden mummies here, we've plenty of diversity as long as you like it in White. And the locals hate the Incomers and the Incomers are the Boden-wearers and look down their noses at the locals.

And there is no culture or creativity or anything of real interest. Someone told me they'd once queued outside Smith's all night ready for the final HP publication because it was something different to do. Aaaaaaaargh.

[EthelDurant123]

My parents were townies, but because of the price of housing in the early 70s in their town moved to the country after they got married. I was brought up there, then left aged 19 to live in London because I could not stand the small mindedness and boredom any longer. My parents socialise still with friends in local towns, but also are involved in village activities. I am now married with a daughter and still live in London. As a huge fan of art, museums and rock music I love the convenience of jumping on a tube or bus and doing something. When I take my husband (Lambeth born, Southwark raised) and daughter (ditto) to visit they are Soooo bored as am I. Because DH and I don't drive (don't need to living in zone 3) I have to ask Mum to take me everywhere and at the age of 37 it's quite embarrassing. (The bus service is lousy and overpriced).

Yes London is expensive but there's always something going on. Most people I meet are tolerant. I cannot live near my parents again. Too small minded.

[Dijon888]

Ninkey - not all small towns are the same. Just like all big cities aren't the same

[LapsedTwentysomething]

Are you Liz Jones?

[saltnpepa]

ragged that is it in a nutshell. I have an excellent job, a career that I adore and spend very little time at school gate. I have made a big effort so kids have friends, which they do. I mostly keep my mouth shut but think my face gives my thoughts away sometimes and I have got a very London accent, look nothing like the people round here, not interested in things they value highly such as a big car or nice house on new estate or glamping or wearing effing wellies as if they're shoes etc etc. Maybe another big city would do the trick.

[Lucy61]

Yup- another city or regular sanity trips to London, if distance permits.

[NinkyNonkers]

But you can do something in most places! Depends what you want to do! We back onto fields, kids have free range. Within a 2 min walk is a bluebell wood, river, farm to walk/play/swing/build dens...for free, whatever the weather. 3 minutes drive to beach and local small town with butchers, bakers, fish monger and lots of small, artisan restaurants etc. 8 min drive to market town with cinema, museum etc. Few minutes more to country parks, zoo, more beaches etc etc. And all without air pollution, litter and over crowding!

There are 'things to do' everywhere, if you can't see past the prearranged that is a different matter.

[flixybelle]

Salt I feel exactly the same, I am orginally from a city (though lived on the outskirts) moved to a small town as a teen and for some reason have never left.I didn't want to leave my large family after we finally settled after a difficult childhood.
Sometimes I feel like I am crazy because I just don't seem to fit here, despite being chair of the PTA a governor and very active in the community. The people are lovely I have made some great friends but I feel out of place and feel like I am constantly 'that' person challenging casual racism, sexism, homophobia etc. At work last week a colleague of mine told me that the photocopier was being gay. WTF! I said don't use that word like that and everyone stared at me like I had 6 heads. It gets so tiring being 'that' person in every conversation.

[christinarossetti]

I think the 'hushed tones' post is completely believable, based on my experience of small town actually, caribach.

I fully appreciate that this may not be yours or others' experience of small towns.

I've also heard plenty of racism in London, but here is sort of seems easier to get away from (in my experience).

I've also heard 'we had a reggae band play here last month BUT there wasn't any trouble' and lots of similar types of comments by university-educated, lefty people who would definitely see themselves as very tolerant and open-minded.

OP is describing her experience - she says that she feels like a square peg in a round hole - not suggesting that she is superior to anyone else.

I don't feel superior to people to live in small towns or have such 'hushed toned' conversations - I'm just glad that it's not me and from that basis I empathise fully with OP's situation.

[MammaTJ]

I live in a small town and love it. There is plenty going on for those who search for it.

My DS who looks a little different has not had a days bullying because of it.

We have poor road links but I am told that contributes to the low crime rate, which makes sense!

I would not change this for the world!

[LashesandLipstick]

Ninky - so if it's raining what do you do? Sorry but I don't consider muddy fields an activity...fair enough about the other stuff but you have to drive. Some of us want the freedom of having it close by

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

ragged you have described my town there, pretty much .

I couldn't live in London though, or any big city I don't think. Horses for courses as they say.

People aren't generally racist or bigoted much here though. Not the people I speak to anyway.

And I can assure you that not everyone is naice & Boden wearing .

[saltnpepa]

flixybelle totally agree. Fields walked, crap local 'indian' eaten, shops exhausted. I see the same faces everywhere and have to say 'hello' pleasantly, everywhere, swimming pool, docs waiting room, train station, supermarket, out for dinner with DH, out under a tree wanting 5 mins retreat but oh no 'helloooooo'. I don't want to talk to everyone and don't want to know everyone, London is great like that.

[Bunbaker]

"You sound like you're judging them. All at once. With a giant tarring brush."

I suspect that with your attitude people don't really want to engage with you. You have never given them a chance and they have written you off as well. I agree with cardibach that you give the impression of being more superior than the small town bumpkins because you are from London.

FWIW I am from London and now live in rural South Yorkshire and absolutely love it here. I work in a city, but am lucky that I can escape to my village after work. There are loads of opportunities in nearby towns and villages to join theatre groups, arts societies, choirs, bands etc, which are all thriving. The youth choir in the nearest large town won several gold medals in the world choir games last year. We often have various arts events and music festivals in the surrounding area, and a local farm holds a lot of music and comedy events in his field.

Admittedly there isn't a lot of ethnic diversity in our area, but you don't have to travel far or for too long to find more of a mix.

"I'm also lucky enough to live somewhere with a low crime rate. They publish a crime round-up in our village magazine. It will usually be two oil-thefts and a car bring vandalised - and that's in a month. I consider myself hugely fortunate to live somewhere where there is so little crime."

That sounds like our crime round up.

I'm sorry salt, but your last post tells me that you have already written off people you barely know as "not your sort". You say that the look on your face puts people off, and it sounds like you are right. I have a very home counties accent, but it doesn't put people off. It probably helps that I have made an effort by getting involved in the local community - taking DD to local toddler groups and talking to other parents, joining the PTA, helping out at rainbows and guides, fund raising for the children's hospital and church events etc.

How much have you tried to get involved in the local community? Or is it beneath you?

I wouldn't recognise Boden clothing BTW.

I love visiting London, but wild horses couldn't drag me there to live.

[saltnpepa]

Like I said a few times I have a job here, local friends, kids have lots of friends, volunteer for things at groups involved in, no trouble getting stuck in.