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AIBU?

To send DS2 to 11+ tutor against his wishes?

103 replies

Fourarmsv2 · 09/06/2015 16:14

We live in a county with several grammar schools.

DS1 took his 11+ and will be going to a grammar school in September. He started one hour once a week tutoring in about Nov of Y5.

DS2 is not a reader like DS1. He's also a July baby. So I've booked him in a little earlier (June Y4).

He doesn't want to go and is in tears. AIBU to send him anyway? I'd rather not, but because I don't want to deal with him being difficult about going. DS1 was the same and I sent him anyway. DS2 always feels a little more fragile to me so I know I give into him more than I do DS1.

He's due there in just over an hour.

:(

OP posts:

Report

IHeartKingThistle · 09/06/2015 17:47

I'm a tutor. The ones who don't want to be there don't tend to make the progress that the ones who've chosen to be there do. And not because I'm crap!

SirChenjin · 09/06/2015 17:47

Phantom - I completely agree. Paying for coaching/tutoring for something like this strikes me as very wrong. At some point in their school or university career they are going to have to stand on their own two feet - if they need to be coached at such a young age I would question whether that's the right school route for them.

IHeartKingThistle · 09/06/2015 17:48

Terrible sentence there, sorry!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/06/2015 17:48

I'm not saying that all tutored kids scrape through, or that all borderline kids will struggle for the next 5 years, but for the ones who do just get in and do then struggle, then IMHO they are not 'up to it' and not best suited to grammar, whatever the parents might want. My friends DD much prefers to be top of the local comp classes, rather than bottom of the class at grammar. she is a much happier, totally different child now.

Mangolimes · 09/06/2015 17:52

Everyone YABUing and 'he's EIGHT' at the op might be wise to bear in mind he'd probably be considerably more upset if he didn't get into the grammar.

ashtrayheart · 09/06/2015 17:54

Op hasn't said whether HE wants to go to the grammar, just that she wants him to.

ltk · 09/06/2015 17:55

If you want him to get into the grammar, then either you tutor him or someone else does. You are sending him to a tutor, not down the coal mines. What is it he objects to? The work, going to a strange house, the grammar school itself, this particular tutor? Have you asked? I rarely accept crying and whinging about an activity until it has been tried. If the tutor is light and fun, as they should be with an 8 yo, then your ds should settle in fine.

Theas18 · 09/06/2015 17:56

Selly24 are you our tutor :)

Mangolimes · 09/06/2015 17:58

He may or he may not, but she has indicated the comprehensive schools aren't great and certainly it would probably be upsetting to him to have to go to one whilst his older brother is at the grammar. This is one reason I don't massively like the grammar school system, but given they live in an area with one ...

Mamus · 09/06/2015 18:00

I don't get the tutoring-for-11-plus thing, myself. If they can't pass the exam without being tutored, should they really be at the desired school anyway?

YABU to force him into this, yes.

Mangolimes · 09/06/2015 18:03

Well, that's like saying 'if they can't pass the exam without tutoring, do they deserve that GCSE grade'.

Unfortunately, not all things are equal. Most of us just want the best for our own children, I think.

TheFairyCaravan · 09/06/2015 18:06

YABVU 8yos should be out playing, get filthy and enjoying their free time after school. They should not be crying over going to a tutor who might get them to pass an exam to go to a Grammar school when they are 11.

CocktailQueen · 09/06/2015 18:08

Mm, he is young, yes, but if he sits the 11 plus next sept then many other people will already gave started tutoring! You clearly know the local schools and have good reasons for wanting him to go to grammar.

I'd sit down and talk to him. Find out how he feels and what he's scared of. I'd also get him to go to the first few sessions and if he really hates it after that, then stop. But at 8 he's old enough to tell you properly how he's feeling, and know that he needs to try an activity before saying he won't go.

Good luck!

CocktailQueen · 09/06/2015 18:09

If you want your dc to pass the 11 plus but don't agree with tutoring, you could be putting your dc at a massive disadvantage with the other dc sitting the test who will have been tutored!

Mangolimes · 09/06/2015 18:10

The thing is, I wonder if posters' responses would be different if it was just generally to help with academics.

My mum had me tutored in maths from a young age, and I'm fairly sure it was eight or nine when I think about it.

I don't think it helped massively with my maths, but that wasn't her fault and she just wanted to make sure I didn't fall behind. I did plenty of playing and getting muddy and cycling between seeing my tutor once a week!

tutorproof · 09/06/2015 18:12

I'm having the same dilemma (hence my name).

It's all bloody wrong and unfair. I too went through the old system of everybody just being chucked in for the exam one day.

However, as much as I hate it, it's my child. He's a bright boy and has always been in the top sets. However, what if I don't tutor and he misses out because of someone who 'scraped by' but had been taught timed exam strategies, question formats and had hours of practice.

How does that help him? I can wail about it being immoral and unfair and wrong but he'll be at the school just put into special measures because we've just missed out on the 'outstanding comp' due to massive oversubscription.

Not everyone is a hothouse parent - they just want to do the best for their child.

SirChenjin · 09/06/2015 18:23

I'm sure it must be an awful dilemma and thank goodness we don't have grammar schools up here. The idea that a child might be disappointed if he doesn't get into a grammar (if that child is crying (I don't hold with accusations of 'he's whinging') and needs to be tutored from an early age) suggests to me thst there is an external, adult pressure being placed on him to see one type of school as 'better' than another - which I abhor.

IvyBean · 09/06/2015 18:24

Our grammar schools tell you to familiarise your children with the exam,have example papers on line and sold papers alongside running VR days. I wouldn't do any exam without prep so certainly wouldn't expect my kids to particularly when I know for a fact the private schools teach to the exam alongside teaching the tutor homework set by tutors.

My DC hadn't covered half the curriculum in their state school so we had no choice but to tutor.One has had some shocking maths teaching and has had a shite year 5.As the exam is very maths heavy tutoring to make her at least on a level playing field is only fair.

Primary schools differ hugely as do teachers. Life is never fair.

Op the CEM is very maths heavy so he'll be laughing if he's good at maths.I'd focus on reading masses this year and start tutoring Sep of year5.

Would like to point out to the anti tutors that vocabulary is also key in the exam.Any kid in a vocabulary rich environment with access to a huge range of books will have an unfair advantage.Are they going to struggle too?

ChuffinAda · 09/06/2015 18:29

There are some good free 11+ apps for tablets and smartphones, try those. Otherwise leave him be. It's not for everyone.

Just don't go on the 11+ forum (not on here) it's scary how mad some mums are!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 09/06/2015 18:33

I'd say he has to go once bit if he hates it he doesn't have to go back (my standard tactic with DD, who hates trying anything new)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/06/2015 18:36

I thought the 11 plus was an intelligence test, not something you needed hot housing for.

ChuffinAda · 09/06/2015 18:40

The one in our area is supposed to be passable by kids with strong 5a/6 attainment levels. They do need familiarising with the tests and do need a massive vocabulary.

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selly24 · 09/06/2015 18:47

Theas18 wish I was you sound like the kind of parent who is a dream to work for. We seem to be on the same page 're: education. I love the sound of the activities your tutor got up to. That's the way to do it!

IvyBean · 09/06/2015 18:50

They do the 11+ 10 months before Sats so impossible to predict who will be 5a/6.

All those going to grammar at our school had tutoring and ended up being level 6 sitters.Personally I think the 11+ tutoring helps a lot as regards getting to level 6 level. Doing work that hard a year early also shows some tenacity and needs a decent amount of intelligence imvho.

Yarp · 09/06/2015 18:55

Does he really want to go to that school?

If so, that should be the motivation to take the test

You have got the skills to tutor him - it's just a matter of going through workbooks - but only if he can reserve the right to not want to take the test and you are not going to get emotional about it.

My son got into a superselective on 30 mins - 1 hour a day for about 4 weeks, simply familiarising himself with the type of questions and doing test papers under my supervision (CEM) . He is great at maths but his vocabulary needed some more focus - so we did some crosswords too.

BTW My 2 sons are at different schools and it suits them both very well. It should not be a given that if one goes they both go. Mine are very different - not in ability, but interests, motivation, outlook and competetiveness

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