not wanting to lend sister money!!

[waitaminutenow]

AIBU to not want to lend my sister money. (5k)!! I have never loaned her money before (she has never asked) I just don't see how she will pay me back. And I have a sneaky suspicion she only asked because she saw my bank statements when she was helping me look for a document. She is getting quite insistent that I should as that's what sisters do. (Her words!) I'm a sahm, my hubby has a great wage (over cb threshold) her df is a waate of space (that worries me too) . I haven't mentioned it to my hubby...I don't know what his opinion would be and I don't want her to think im basing my decision on what he says (because I don't need permission....its my money after all) WWYD!!!???

If you were to lend give it could you use it to pay off some of her debts? Not saying you should mind, but maybe that would be a wAy to do it. (If you felt you had to help - which you don't - your hard earned money etc etc)

I would pretty much guarantee you will never see that money again if you "lend" it to her. And that she will get snarky and nasty if you ask for it back. DON'T DO IT! A friend of mine lent her BIL about £20,000 as he was struggling. It was a loan and was promised to be paid back. Here's a surprise -the money was spent weeks on "stuff, BIL has now accumulates more debts and not a penny has been paid back in 8 years or realistically will ever be. In fact, he asks for more on regular occasions in begging emails and letters (guilt trips). Friend would have gladly taken £20 a month but nothing has ever once been offered. The money is yours, you earned it, you saved it. If you want to give her the occasional amount got shopping then lovely, but don't give her this lump sum.

She is a grown woman and u are under no obligation whatsoever to lend her this money. I would never put my sister in this position, or her me. Trust me, this really would not be a good move.

Your sister is completely and utterly out of order!!! Shame on her!

Don't do it, you will lose the money & your sister. Tell her you value your relationship with her too much to put her in the position of owing you money.

Please don't do it. My father 'lent' money to one of his sisters many years ago, on more than one occasion. Never saw a penny of it back.

Now my father's parents are dead and the estate is being divided up as per the will. Sponging, entitled sister is now causing merry hell and threatening to drag the whole thing through the courts because she thinks she should get more than my dad and their other sibling.

Put a stop to it now OP, otherwise this will dog your steps your whole life.

Just tell her it's tied up in an ISA.

Once upon a time, the lady who worked in the boulangerie opposite one of my pubs came in crying. We had been seeing her every day for over two years and had got to know her well, husband had left her and daughter, kept mucking about on maintenance payments, was a general arse etc ….

It turned out he had gone back to court, claimed he had been paying too much and had got the amount reduced…. and backdated. She had two weeks to find €1,000. She was beside herself as she had no idea where she could find that kind of money.

I spoke with Mrs Maison and we came to an agreement. The following morning over coffee, i gave her an envelope with the cash and said we can sort out repayment schedule when she had her head straight., this was followed by tears of gratitude, a million kisses on both cheeks and the promise to pay back the whole amount when her divorce was settled in six months time.

Funnily enough even though we knew her so well she didn't come in quite as often, then started blanking me in the street. When after 6 months Mrs Maison brought it up "there's a delay in the court proceedings", then again a few months later, ad infinitum

The irony is if she'd have repaid a fiver a week the debt would have been paid off long ago.

It's now been about 8 years, I lost what I thought was a friend, faith in human nature, the urge to help anyone out who gives me a sob story and a thousand euros

DON'T DO IT !!!!

There's nothing to sour a relationship / friendship than money.

don't lend her money
I have a sister, she and I might have lent each other money in hard times but this is not that, is it? "Carpets & stuff..." Say no. She is hard work because people let her get away with it. And that comment about food over the summer holidays - entitled much?!

Either give it as a gift or not at all

Definitely

Many years ago I lent my BIL a large sum of money because he was in a real pickle. He's never paid it back and it still rankles, which is a shame because he is otherwise lovely and my pleasure in his company was ruined for many years.

No you shouldn't feel under any obligation to lend her the money. It will only lead to fallouts and rows. She is cheeky to put you in this position especially as she knows you are a SAHM even if you say your DH wouldn't mind he should still have a say. As you should if it was the other way round and it was his sister wanting the money.

I offered to lend her for this and asked her to sign a payment agreement...which she declined to do declaing I was obnoxious for even asking.

^ This.

If she is not willing to sign an agreement then she is not willing to pay it back. If t was her intention to pay back she would not have minded signing one bit.

'She needed my help and support(which I gave) but I guess I just wish I had been a little less judgmental.'

She did not need more money to enable her. And we don't know if the OP is not already giving that.

tbh she sounds an utter pain.

You need to re-train her. Stop all buying stuff and loans etc. My bet is you won't see her as much.

She ought to be ashamed of herself still acting like a petulant teenager.

I think your thinking needs to change slightly. Your "AIBU?" isn't 'AIBU not lending my sister 5k' it's actually 'AIBU not to give my sister 5k' and i'd bet there's not a single person in the world, possibly apart from your sister, who thinks you should just give your sister 5k simply because you've saved it and she'd like it.

When you can't trust a relation to stick to their word over money borrowed it can become toxic. My brother and my cousin were best mates all their lives until cousin borrowed £800. He never made any effort to repay it, will actively change the subject if anything money related comes up and has promised (and failed) to make payments anytime he's directly asked. He now actively avoids any family situation where he's likely to bump into my brother.

On the other hand my sister borroweded 2k from her 3 siblings. It was desperately needed, gratefully received (full on tears) and even though she's only paid back little bits and pieces here and there we know, 100%, that she has paid back every single penny that she can afford too. She was also very, very honest when we offered to chip together to give her the money that she was going to struggle for a long time to pay it back. It hasn't harmed our relationships at all, but we trust her and she'd never take the piss by asking for our savings for 'stuff'.

Why are you even inviting her round tonight to justify yourself?

And it's not 'what sisters do.'

I have 4 sisters, and we don't lend each other money. We all have vastly different incomes / family circumstances, and we have all learnt to live within our own budgets.

Please don't be put on the back foot by having to proffer reasons or excuses as to why you aren't prepared to lend it to her.

100% agree with everyone else. Do not give lend her the money. You will never see it again. She doesn't really need it if she's talking about buying a new carpet (I might have been a bit more sympathetic if she'd specifically asked for it to pay off her debts, but I still wouldn't give her £5K!).

Think how much you could do for yourself and your family in the future with that money - uni fees, put it towards new kitchen/bathroom etc. Or use it for emergencies, what if your roof starts leaking, or your DH got made redundant or fell ill and couldn't work for a few months?

You will only fall out with her later when she doesn't pay it back. Get it over with now, and £5K better off!

Don't do it OP - she has no intention of paying it back (in her eyes she is ENTITLED to it) and don't for a moment think that will be the end of it.......

Plus, as this is your "emergency" fund, you need it for, well, emergencies - perhaps if you had £50k "spare" you could lose £5k to her as a one-off, but not the whole pot.

She will rant and rave and probably get DM on board too (sounds like she is used to getting her own way), but DO NOT GIVE IN TO IT.

'And it's not 'what sisters do.''

It isn't. I have one sister, my only sibling. Both her luck and her life choices have been different. As a result, she lives a very different life from mine, and has more financial wealth. I am so happy for her and her two adult children.

She is supportive and wonderful.

I would never dream of hitting her up for money for carpets and 'stuff' or making her feel guilty for not handing over her money for my wants.

DH and I are moving soon and will have a wee bit of spare cash.

We know DBIL has credit card debt (coz I helped him sort it a couple of years ago) due to my bitch of a soon to be ex-SIL which he is paying off on a 0% card and which he will need to transfer soon - but will incur a fee to do so. So we have offered to pay it off for him on the understanding that he sets up a standing order to pay us back monthly plus a "token gesture" of interest (which we will probably use to buy beer for everyone with!).

He is considering this and looking at all his options, including a bank loan. It's not his nature to request help, but quite frankly if we have cash, then we would get more interest from him giving us a wee bit extra than from a savings account, and the banks would lose out a bit making me irrationally happy!

However, if he doesn't repay (not he won't, more if he can't due to job loss etc) then we could stand to lose the cash and it wouldn't bother us. But then, we know that he'd start to repay again when he could.

There's a huge difference between offering what you can afford to lose, and being asked for what you can't.

My mum just text saying that I need to chat to her....here we go!!!!

I hope you told your mum, that you won't be "loaning" any money to your sister, but she (your mum) is quite welcome to do the loan instead?

Don't do it, I did (double the amount actually) and still waiting for repayment 12 years later.

After an earfull from my mum...about family/helping yada yada yada. Grrr...I hung up. My sis came round and I said I would get carpets if needed on the same conditions as I offered on the holiday. Guess what....she said NO. That it sounds like I don't trust her! I explained it was my nest egg etc etc....to which I got the 'it's well for some response'!!

So that was it. To the PP who stated that our only difference is our hubbys earning power....well it maybe now. But I was in a great teaching job before I gave up work. I saved my ass off and don't think I should be penalised for that. Tbh her hubby is a clever guy and could probably earn more....but that's the problem he's one of those "im too clever for that job" people. So really its hubbys personalities that are different.

I told hubby all when he got home...he was upset I hadn't spoken to him as I was all upset and had it on my mind the past 3 days. And then chat with mum didn't help.

I do help her with kids things (shoes, outfits etc) throughout the year. Her eldest is my godchild so I spoil her tbh. But I do have no2 on the way so I need to get myself sorted too. Thank you all for your advice....I was one big hormonal mess!!

Well done OP! Her comment after the nest egg explanation really gets me - she resents you for being sensible with your money and not getting into a load of debt, like she has! It's not a question of trusting her or not (which IMHO, you are justified not!), the money is yours to do with as you wish. She has no business even asking you for it, let alone getting stroppy and running to mummy when you say no!

Glad your DH is onside. I would be prepared for more grief from her and possibly your mum about it, but stick to your guns, especially with DC2 on the way