not wanting to lend sister money!!

[waitaminutenow]

AIBU to not want to lend my sister money. (5k)!! I have never loaned her money before (she has never asked) I just don't see how she will pay me back. And I have a sneaky suspicion she only asked because she saw my bank statements when she was helping me look for a document. She is getting quite insistent that I should as that's what sisters do. (Her words!) I'm a sahm, my hubby has a great wage (over cb threshold) her df is a waate of space (that worries me too) . I haven't mentioned it to my hubby...I don't know what his opinion would be and I don't want her to think im basing my decision on what he says (because I don't need permission....its my money after all) WWYD!!!???

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

Tbh, if you lend it she will just come back for more. You are delaying the horrible fall out and losing money in the process.

So nip it in the bud, survive the shitstorm and move on

[justbatteringon]

Don't lend it to her and I say this as someone who lent £500 of her own brother. I've only paid back half and even though I keep meaning to other things keep getting in the way. The fact I know he's as strapped for cash as me as I am delays me repaying him. Terrible but true. 5k is allot of money and will only cause conflict.

[justbatteringon]

He's not as strapped that should say

[Shakey1500]

Ye Gads no way lend her the money. If she wants to get arsey, then let her. She'll need you before you need her, and I'm sure she'll get over it once she realises that what you provide to her kids may dry up.

[BlueMoonRoses]

Don't do it. I lend my brother money and it really causes rifts when it doesn't come back. And it probably won't. I might gift him money now but nothing like 5k or even 500. Or even 200 actually. My sil is strapped for cash. She would NEVER ask. Can you talk to her about how she might get herself out of whatever situation she's in - if that's remotely possible, it's tough times. And talking of tough times, you don't know when you might need that money.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Op, you know in your heart that she won't consider it a loan, and that she will never pay you back. Don't do it. If you feel bad now, think of how you will feel when she makes 10,000 excuses not to pay you back...
And that will most likely cause bad feeling between you and your DH.

I talk from personal experience. We lent a substantial amount to help BIL with a tax bill. He is self employed and was expecting a large bill to be paid shortly and we were to get our money back then.
Guess what, 3 years later, we haven't seen a penny if it.
Meanwhile they have a family holiday each year. I keep bugging DH to follow up on it, but he won't.
PIL are both in poor health, so we don't want to do anything to upset them.

While substantial amount, we can afford to write it off. So I've reconciled myself to that, to stop the bad feeling eating away at me. But I now consider BIL a dodgy character.

Lesson for me, only give it if you can reconcile yourself with never getting it back.

[Iamfrankieheck]

Given her circumstances I'm not sure I would lend money in this position either.

What I would do though, is have a few big shops delivered (with lots of treats for the kids) during the school Summer holidays. I know it's not your responsibility to feed her kids but they are your family too and as you said it is just your treat money.

You sound a wee bit snobby tbh. The only difference between you and her is the earning power of your husbands. Be a great Aunt.

[CruCru]

Say no. It'll only end up causing bad feeling between you. You can say this to the rest of your family if they give you a hard time.

[expatinscotland]

'She's hard to deal with. My whole family walks on eggshells with her. It's all 'poor jess'...etc etc. My mum just text saying that I need to chat to her....here we go!!!!'

You have to stop enabling her and walking on eggshells. She is hard work because people let her.

Think about all the hours you worked for that money. And what it means to your kids.

She wants to piss it up a wall.

She'll talk you down in person, tbh. You need to have your husband there, too.

You already give her a lot. All she will do is demand more.

[expatinscotland]

'You sound a wee bit snobby tbh.'

She worked for that money.

Be a great aunt?! She already is. She buys a lot of stuff for her nephews and nieces.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Well done OP. YANBU at all.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Agree with ExpatinScotland Never, ever loan money to friends or family. We have done so in the past, and it never comes out well. (We're still owed a substantial amount from a 'friend' from several years ago). And have fallen out with DP's sister, who owed us money over a period of time and got narky because we dared to ask her to repay.

Never again . . .

[BackforGood]

Of course YANBU.
The most helpful thing to do, if she struggles to manage her money, would be to offer to help her look at how she might rearrange her finances / start paying off debts / make a payment plan / cut down what she is spending each month.
If you have debts, then you don't have the money to replace your carpets.
If she (or her family) were genuinely going hungry, then by all means pay for an online shop or go to the supermarket and pay when you get to the till - as a gift - but it is NOT your responsibility to give her handouts for luxuries.

[jacks11]

Iamfrank

I think you've been harsh there. She doesn't sound snobby, just upset at the way her sister has unfairly attempted to emotionally blackmail her into lending money for non-essential purposes. On top of this her Dsis has no possibility of paying back OP because she and her husband currently struggle to make ends meet as it is, have debts and a poor credit rating. Lending her money would be foolish.

OP has already been giving her sister money for foods etc including very recently based on her post. How long should she keep doing this? Indefinitely? I don't think she should keep doing this all through the summer with lots of treats. Her sister/BIL need to address their problems, not rely on OP to feed and clothe their children.

If OP were going to do something to be a "great aunt", she'd be better spending time with her sister/BIL and try to work out ways they could sort themselves out financially/work out where they could go to get the help they need to start making improvements which would benefit themselves and their children. Giving them money for treats/buying their groceries really isn't going to make things better in the long-term.

OP has stated the money in her ISA was saved while she was working, this is her nest egg for emergencies/treats- and as she earned it, she is entitled to some pleasure from it.

[Iamfrankieheck]

I am saying this because I was in the exact same position with a family member who had an addiction and a loser DH(which is why I said I wouldn't give her the money)

For years I gave her loads of money etc but i was a bit snobby about it, looked down on her for getting herself in this mess and I feel ashamed about that now. She needed my help and support(which I gave) but I guess I just wish I had been a little less judgmental.

Sorry op, probably projecting.

[Fluffyears]

Don't give her it you won't see it again and she will keep needing more.

[RackofPeas]

If you lend the money you know very well you're going to see a whole load of photos turn up on fb from their foreign holiday and showing off all their new shiny pointless gadgets.
Sorry to be so cynical but from what I've read I think it's odds on likely.
Stay strong. It's your money, you earned it so you keep it.

[Iamfrankieheck]

x post....

Ok, I get it people and I actually agree! The OP is right! All I'm saying really is none of us should be smug about how sorted our lives are as you never know what is round the corner.

[gamerchick]

Don't do it, this type of arrangement ALWAYS ends in tears.

Also don't see her alone just in case she brings backup to persuade you.

[clam]

She doesn't want you to lend her money - she wants you to give it to her.

[RandomMess]

Oh so you are already giving her money regularly through buying stuff for her dc!!

Sounds like they have serious financial issues and you can't keep bailing her out she needs to learn to live within their means I'm afraid

you're a good Aunt to your DN

[batfish]

You should say that it is your only easily accessible cash as other money is tied up long term and you cannot give it away as you would then be stuck in case of an emergency.

If you do want to help her then ask for details of exactly what she needs it for and the cost of each item and then you can decide what you think is essential and reasonable up to £1000 or something and ask her to agree to a repayment plan.

I would definitely tell my husband - even if it is 'my' money it is essentially his money too as we are married and it would be a lot to lend without letting him know - not to get permission but just to inform him.

[Xenadog]

I think wait you have inadvertently, through your own generosity, helped to create this entitled attitude your sister has. She knows she can always turn to you when there are financial issues as you will bail her out, buy her shopping, get the kids a few essentials etc.

She has seen you have some cash and thinks she is entitled to this as well. Basically I would be telling her that the bank of wait is closed indefinitely and she needs to learn to manage her finances and get herself out of her hole. I would stop lending (giving?) her money for anything as until she really hits rock bottom and has to figure it out for herself she will continue to sponge.

I say this as someone who repeatedly bailed out my sister and then, along with other siblings, leant her thousands of pounds for her to get out the mess she was in. Needless to say none of us ever saw a penny from what we leant her and this is even after she received an inheritance which would have meant she could have paid us all back and then still had a little bit left for herself. We are all nc with sponging sister.

If anyone else tells you you should be helping her out financially then I would tell them to dig deep and do the lending because just because you have some money (regardless of how much and what for) it isn't there for others to leech from.

I suspect your sister won't ever admit there is a real problem and begin to tackle it until she is in utter dire straights. You could offer to help her get financial advice to tackle her financial issues but I suspect she would much rather you just opened your purse and coughed up.

[Xenadog]

Lent not leant btw! Grrr!

[viva100]

Either give it as a gift or not at all.

She won't ever pay it back, especially if she doesn't know what she is going to spend it on, has bad credit etc. It will lead to soooo much resentment, your relationship will be ruined forever. And you'll be the one losing sleep over it, examining her spending, wondering if she'll pay it back, thinking maybe she doesn't give a shit about your family the way you do abour hers. And whether you give it or not she will continue to think you're the lucky, rich one, sitting on a load of money and not helping your own sister.

She'll never appreciate the gesture. Why should she? In her mind she is entitled to that money as your sister. That's what she actually said.

And, even as someone with a good income, I think 5k is A LOT of money. Your DH does have a say in this because the sum is so big it will be relevant to the family as a whole.