To think if the school says that girls can no longer wear shorts to school, then they should say the same for boys?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

DD1's school has no uniform. She got sent back to the dorm last week because she was told that shorts were no longer permitted for girls at school. They are not "short shorts" with her arse hanging out, and she was wearing thick tights underneath them. They have since banned shorts for girls but not for boys. The boys seem to get away with wearing what they like" vest tops and shorts, T shirts with inappropriate slogans and pictures (eg a photo of a woman's breasts, a cartoon of the cookie monster with a naked woman thrown over his shoulder), whereas girls get sent to change for any minor infraction - eg a skirt that is slightly above knee length.

They have no dress code as such (we have checked). AIBU to think they should bring one in for both sexes, if they are going to police the girls so rigorously?

(We have already had one run in with the girl, as the girls were expected to do their own laundry, whereas the boys get it done for them, and have won that battle...)

[BathtimeFunkster]

It sounds like there is a case against them for sexual harassment given the clothing they are allowing the boys to wear.

Sounds like an awful place.

[Shinyandnew1]

How long has your daughter been at this school and how old is she?

The school sounds awful but unless she's only been there a week, it seems odd that it's nearly June and you've only just realised?!

[RandomMess]

Absolutely not on at all. They need to have the same rule for either sex and as for inappropriate slogans and images being acceptable

I would be writing to ask why they think it's appropriate for women to be treated so disrespectfully!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

It's not an awful place. It just needs to be brought into the 21st century. And obviously, it's not all boys wearing the inappropriate T shirts, but a minority. But it's the fact that they let them get away with it that is the problem.

[MyVisionsComeFromSoup]

we have a "no shorts for either sex" rule in our 6th form (unless they're worn over leggings), but that then causes issues when girls want to wear three quarter length trousers, as they are considered shorts .

We also have a "no cleavage (top or bottom)" rule for both sexes which also covers boys with their jeans round their thighs.

Some double standards in previous years though as staff were seemingly allowed to wear strappy/sleeveless tops/dresses, but students weren't as it wasn't "professional looking". Mind you, new female head tried to tell a hall full of students that wearing makeup didn't look professional, as they sat there looking at her and ticked off "foundation, yes, eyeshadow, yes, mascara, can't really tell" . In fairness, I expect she meant oompa loompa tide marks and marker pen eyebrows, which i agree don't look great

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Shiny - the issue has only just come up, because this is the first time that my DD has been "dress coded" - wearing a pair of shorts that she has been wearing for the past two years. So this is the first I have heard on what the boys can get away with, but the girls can't.

Random - that will be key to my email. DD1 has already emailed the teacher who sent her back to change, pointing out that she did nothing about the boy with the inappropriate T shirt, who was in the same class.

[paxtecum]

Boys' shorts are usually at least knee length and baggy.
Girls shorts with tights underneath are usually short and quite tight.

Maybe the type of shorts need banning and a dress code implementing.

[Shinyandnew1]

Ok.

Can you answer how old she is and how long she's been at the school?

[Kampeki]

Wow, I would not have left my dd in that sort of environment for so long! Can't believe you're paying for it!

I don't get how the "education" can be good, when they're sending so many unsubtle messages about gender privilege. Surely education is about the overall ethos of the school, and not just what happens in the classroom?

[BertrandRussell]

Sound a ghastly place.

[BertrandRussell]

And I woild be amazed if the washing thing was the only bit of Institutional sexism- that sort of thing never exists in isolation. Particularly if t shirts like th dones you describe are unquestioned.

[Kampeki]

I agree bertrand. The laundry thing would have set massive alarm bells ringing in me!

[BathtimeFunkster]

You have chosen for your daughter to be educated in a place that is teaching her, explicitly, that she is a second class citizen.

That she must do shitwork that boys don't have to do (for the same fees?!) and that the boys she goes to school with can wear clothes that demean her but she can't wear shorts.

But yes, "ho, ho, it's just a little bit old fashioned. No harm done."

It's like sending a black child to an openly racist school and then shrugging your shoulders when their lower status is repeatedly rubbed in their face.

"Oh, this extremely wealthy organisation, that gets massive state subsidies through tax breaks for being a "charity" just needs to be a bit more modern and realise that you can't be so openly racist any more. No harm done, though, eh?"

[SirChenjin]

Well, that's school sounds like great use of your hard earned pounds

It's a private boarding school, therefore you can either write to the Head and ask him to review the policy (although given what he's let them away with so far I suspect you'll not have much luck there , or you pursue legal action, or you withdraw her from that place and look for something that has a more enlightened approach.

[MrsHathaway]

I've remembered that we had a washing machine in our boarding house and the boys didn't. You could send your laundry off but we didn't because it was more convenient to DIY. It may have been a setup resulting from an earlier and kinder decision.

School needs a more explicit dress code full stop. If DD thinks she was appropriately dressed and her classmate wasn't, but the teacher disagrees, then they need a code of standards to refer to.

Once the dress code exists (even in draft) one can object to its content.

[Shinyandnew1]

You have chosen for your daughter to be educated in a place that is teaching her, explicitly, that she is a second class citizen.

I have to agree with this. How would you feel if she leaves school and gets a low paid job if her male school friends walk into high powered, lucrative ones? Would that be fine? Fees well spent there?!

[SoldierBear]

I would be putting in an official complaint that the school was allowing boys to wear t-shirts with offensive and sexist slogans on them and leave the whole shorts thing out of it.

TBH, any time I've seen a girl wearing the shorts/tights combo the shorts have been pretty short and not something I'd judge appropriate for school. But that is just my personal opinion.

However, at a boarding school there is much more to consider than the quality of the education. You have sent your DD to live in a community and now know this community is sexist and discriminatory and allows boys to wear tshirts that denigrate women. I would not be happy about leaving my child exposed to those sort of attitudes and would be removing her to a different school to complete her education. Your DD needs to feel she is supported and this school seems unlikely to be able to do that.

[SoupDragon]

Can you answer how old she is and how long she's been at the school?

How is that relevant to the disparity between the male and female dress code and what is deemed appropriate?

[404NotFound]

DD's (state) secondary school has no uniform, and they do not allow shorts at all, in any style, even with tights or leggings underneath.

The reasoning is, yes they fully accept that the teenage girl shorts-and-leggings look can be perfectly decent, however it is inevitable that allowing shorts in any form would result in endless arguments about how short is too short, and frankly the teachers have better things to do with their time, and so it's easier just to ban shorts completely. They do the same with leggings - yes, some leggings are perfectly decent, but others are so thin that you can see the knicker patterns through them, and again it's highly likely to result in pointless arguments with stroppy 14yo, so easier just to ban them.

Obv you can never eliminate all slippery slopes, like the jeans-jeggings-leggings continuum, or the cropped trousers-shorts one, but I can see why they go for a blanket ruling instead of arguing the toss all the time.

This is an all-girls' school, so no issue around sexism, but I'd expect the rules to be formulated in a way that was equivalent across the genders, eg to say 'all trousers must be ankle-length' or below the knee or whatever.

[paxtecum]

Bathtime: I don't consider washing my own clothes to be shit work.
Ii is a life skill that they should be teaching all pupils, but it is not shit work.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Are you sure they had to do their own washing?

We could all (girls and boys) send it away to be done if we wanted or we had the option to wash it ourselves because back then we created a huge fuss about not having access to a washing machine in the girls dorm because we didn't want to always be sending off our underware and sanitary wear.

[thebigblackhole]

You say the education is very good OP. But it isn't is it? Education isn't all about what they can do on paper. You've entrusted a school to provide care and upbringing for your daughter and they are failing her. They are failing all those children in fact, the boys included.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Needsasockamnesty: in the sixth form, the girls were told they had to do their own washing. The boys still got theirs done for them. We (and others) complained. Now they all get it done for them, unless they specifically want to do it themselves (which DD1 does sometimes - she doesn't want all her clothes boil washed and tumble dried).

404: I agree - ban shorts, vest tops, inappropriate slogan T shirts for all.

Bathtime: it doesn't pretend to be a charity and gets no state subsidies (it may be unusual in this). And doing washing is not shitwork, it is a life skill, surely?

Shiny: why does how old she is, and how long she has been at the school have any relevance to the thread? She's in the sixth form and has another year to go. She has been there for just over a year.

How would I feel if she left school and got a low paid job, while her male friends walked into high powered lucrative ones? That it's her life and up to her. She wants to be an academic/historian, rather than a merchant banker, so if she wants to pursue her dreams that way, it's up to her. Money is not the be all and end all, although I'll agree that you can be miserable in comfort.

The issue of the slogan tee shirts did not come up before Friday, as dress code hasn't been an issue before, so I didn't know anything about this. I can't address a problem when I don't know about it. Now that I do, I will.

[BertrandRussell]

"And doing washing is not shitwork, it is a life skill, surely?"

How incredibly remiss of the school to fail to give boys the opportunity to learn it then!

[OVienna]

Haileybury has this thing with the washing but I think they have s uniform....