AIBU to ask my husband to collect the children once a week?

[MrsAiolfi]

I work full time, my husband works full time, yet I do 95% of childcare and housework. I do all the laundry, tidying, I make all the packed lunches, meals and I collect the children every single day. I start work 15 minutes earlier than everyone else so I can leave 15 minutes earlier to reach the nursery my youngest is at.

This morning I suggested that on a Sunday he chooses a day that suits and he collects the kiddies that day, meaning I don't have to "chip off early" and I can put in an extra hour or so at work (new boss, keen to impress, etc). It would also mean that he might understand how stressful the time between 4.45 and 6.30 is - pick up dinner, homework, and ensuring the children are emotionally cared for. I have a work event this Friday and he has to collect the children, I had to text him the minute I found out about it (early last week), and remind him each day since. If he is going out for work drinks, or to meet a friend, or to play tennis, he doesn't need to book it in, he doesn't need to send me 26 reminders before and on the day of, he just does it.

If he earned A LOT more than me then I would understand, but currently I ear almost the same as him, yet I still should all the "mum duties" including getting up in the night to care for a sick child or taking days holiday to take the kids to the dentist. I worry about resentment building and damaging our relationship long term, I also worry about our roles affecting the way our children will act when they are adults...

Advice would be gratefully received, he was none to pleased with the argument that ensued this morning and I am keen to avoid further shouting (mainly from me).

[RandomMess]

I would delegate all the food shopping & catering - it's a very very visible task and he needs to eat not just you and the dc...

That plus 2 picks up per week minimum!

[HamAlive]

DH and I alternate starting early/picking up and dropping off/working late. We need to do this because work is over an hour away and nursery is 8-6 so it's not possible for one of us to drop, work and pick up. We work around who has what going on at work that day. Would something like that be possible?

Definitely talk about the housework too. It should be equal, not you running yourself into the ground trying to do it all.

[flora717]

Tell him you want an equal relationship. As for not thinking of what needs doing. You're basically saying you don't consider him (and men but I shall step aside from that for a moment) capable. Every communication you have will express this. He's an adult; perfectly capable of household management. You need to stop reminding him repeatedly. He is not a child.
Believe he can do it. Act like he will do it. Work from that basis.

[FilbertSnood]

The reason he doesn't think about bread for packed lunches is because he knows you do, so there is no need to worry about it.

I agree it is easy to fall into this, as I too am there. I work part time after 5 years as the SAHP. My husbands job involves long unpredictable hours in various locations and he simply can't guarantee to drop off or pick children because he leaves before they wake and gets home usually when they are asleep.

So what should I do? It's not so easy to split 50: 50 in some
Situations.

I think people have good advice about talking to him about it all, I have found an email of my main points before a discussion in person worked especially well, because it allowed me to be clear.

There are some aspects of my life / day that he simply doesn't realise are so hectic because of the work / school run/ before after school club / childminder madness.

You have my sympathy

[arethereanyleftatall]

Thankfully you have realised your current situation is utter nonsense.

I'm loving bathtinefunksters list.

But I also really think the 100% responsibility For one thing works best. Eg you do all the laundry, I'll do all the dishes.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

DH remembers musical instruments, restocks the toilet roll, organises the DD's social whirl of birthday parties (including the acquisition and wrapping and gifting of age-appropriate presents), arranges car pools, cooks, shops, I could go on and on and on.

Bolleaux to not knowing a single husband who blah blah blah etc. I will introduce you to mine. And hopefully you will be able to be proper LIFE PARTNERS with this self-absorbed manchild in the future.

[Allwayslookingforanswers]

In exact same position but actually I currently earn more than him. I run the house, do 99% of nursery collection/drops. His excuse is his commute is a daily event, I don't have an office so wfh when not traveling for meetings. I am horribly behind at work at mo. Planning on getting up at 6am to get a head start on day.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

The whole thing about them not realising how difficult some things are.

One thing that my gem of a DH had never done until recently was pack for the girls / family when we went on holiday. He would help if I asked, but mostly he was just in charge of his own suitcase and I did everything else. Not just the DD's and my clothing (and now that they are a bit older they are very helpful themselves) but all the other crap. Snacks for the plane. Chargers and plug adapters - including making sure everyone's devices are charged for the actual journey. Which carry-ons to take. The little plastic bags to get through security. The various little presents for the people we are visiting. Bathing suits. Hair towels (we have special ones, I'm a bit weird about hair).

So I was sick of this so last time I went on strike. He had to do it all. He was NOT a happy camper and finally understood why I get so grumpy and frazzled. I fucking hate packing.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Experimentally tried this this eve. We are in near identical situation.

DP will (when he is here) watch children for 30 min in morning before nanny arrives, Zak one of them out for a bit every now and then. Change, feed and comfort DD more than half the time and full the dishwasher in the morning. He pays for and organises a cleaner to do his share of the house stuff a week. He makes A Lot of mess. Never ever cooks. Had recently started to make tea.

But never THINKS about stuff - who will look after the children-if he works late he just assumes I'll be there. If I work late I could not assume, would have to check he would be back, endure huffing at having to suffer 'such stress' of sorting childcare. Indeed he would be so STRESSED that the thought would mean a separate bedroom. Fgs

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Take!

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I hope you get this sorted.

I will add my voice to the chorus of those saying of course dh will think of things we might need on the way home.

I do all drop offs all week, dh does all pick ups. I do most of the cleaning, he does the vast majority of the cooking, we share tidying.

I do all clothes washing, but if I fall behind a bit and say to dh, "I'm sorry, I've let it pile up", he'll say, "you've got nothing to be sorry about, I could have put a wash on if it was needed", which he does do sometimes.

I'd certainly say that when we are both here he does at least half of the childcare and housework. It helps that we both have the same level of expected cleanliness. If one of us wanted minimalist perfection there would be issues.

If I get up to do something then dh will get up to help. He's always been happy to get up in the night as often as I do with the dcs.

I think he just comes at it from the assumption that he is responsible for the house and the dcs. Which is my assumption too.

The only time it's really caused problems is when we managed to kill the plants on the window sill, because we were both watering them :o poor things drowned.

But dh is more likely to come home with milk when I've just bought some too, than he is to come home empty handed.

There is no housework-gene that women have and men don't. It's just a change in attitude that's needed.

I would hate to be responsible for everything.

Oh and dh packs for the dcs too. Mainly because I become a frothing rage-beast when I pack, and the sooner it's over, the better!

[howabout]

YABVU in letting down the sisterhood. I am a SAHM with a severely disabled working DH and I get more input from my DH than you!

I accept that it may be easier for one partner to be more flexible about work and childcare than another and that this has little to do with relative wages and gender. I would not put up with the father of my DC running his social and domestic life unilaterally at my expense whether or not he was part of my family unit.

I worry that in not providing a WOHM role model I am letting down my dd but I would worry far more about modelling a doormat!

[AlanBstardMPagain]

I has the same problem with my ex-H. Its one of the reasons he's now my ex. It all came to a head last year when I was offered an amazing job that meant he would have had to do some of the nursery runs due to my commute. He point blank refused. I had to turn the job down.

This happens to FT mums more than it should and the OP's DH needs shaking up. If he refuses (as mine did) then inevitably the next thought needs to be about going it alone with the kids, since thats what you're doing anyway.

[MrsRossPoldark]

Seems to be a recurring theme sadly. My DH works afh M-Th and often 'works from home' on a Friday. He never takes the kids to school on Fridays, but sits in his scabby d.gown watching breakfast TV while I get up early, make the breakfasts, drive MS to school, see YS off to his school, wake up ES, walk the dog and then go to work. I work p-t so finish at 1 on Fri and often come home to find him sitting in exactly the same place, still in his d.gown.

He works & sleeps. I work, do the garden, mow the lawn, feed, wash, harass the DKs, walk the dog daily, cycle to work, run 3x a week...need I go on?

His chores are written on a whiteboard in the kitchen and very rarely change as he doesn't do them. At least this way though I don't need to nag, but I can actually demonstrate that he has done nothing when I feel the need to!

[LotusLight]

No one has been as sexist as you describe in this family for generations! Why do women tolerate this even for a day? Don't you sound out your man for feminist principles before you get to bed with him and marry him? Are these kinds of men so good in bed that their sexism and unfairness is worth tolerating on a daily basis?

I don't even know how it emerges like this. My children's father had had his own house so he was showing me his methods of emptying dishwasher and how to work an oven and washing machine. He did more than half and we both worked full time. Thus ultimately I earned 10x more than him. It rocks.

[Christelle2207]

Another one to say Yanbu. In terms
Of reminding him to do stuff can you send him outlook reminders to his work diary eg LEAVE EARLY TODAY TO COLLECT DC and set appropriate reminders so you don't have to? Works for us

[mandy214]

OP I think as you have said (to be fair to your H) that the situation has probably arisen over time, not because he's a bad husband or anything.I know lots of people have said it has to be 50:50 and men should assume the responsibility too, but I think sometimes women (certainly at the start with little ones) if they are on maternity leave or work part time pick up the child-related chores and you just end up drifting into the situation you're in now.

I agree that he needs to experience the sheer horror of a 4.45 race to nursery / school, throwing dinner on the table to overtired children, the chaos that is the bedtime / bathtime routine. Throw in some squabbling too. Thats a joy that deserves to be shared .

But as everyone has said, I think its about having a conversation about it, how you feel, what needs to be done and how you're going to deal with that as a couple. There are some things that I am better at - packing / organising social lives of children / food shopping / cooking etc / family finances, and he is better at DIY / cleaning the bathroom etc. Just find a solution that works for your family.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I truly do despair when I read threads like this

[JaWellNoFine]

I do the morning thing, so leave early. DH, works from home 2 days (lucky bugger) and does the afternoon run, dinner, bath as is home early. If the washing is done we put the next load in, same with the dishwasher.
We both clean together and do whatever needs doing ..
DH doesn't iron and I don't do the toilets.

Oh, our house is 'lived in' if DH wants it tidier/cleaner he better get busy.

[hettie]

MrsA
And I am 100% sure mother's brains are wired differently. I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!
This ^ is the reason you have gotten into this pickle. I'm not wired differently to my dh. He cares and understands the needs of our children/domestic situation as much as I do. He would absolutley be thinking about bread. I would not be in a relationship with him if not. Plus I've never given him the option, I just don't do it. If he has half a brain (I am assuming so as he holds down a job) then he is absolutley capable of thinking about these things and doing more of the domestic chores, he's just been allowed to check out of that side of life...

[CMOTDibbler]

Working long, unpredictable hours is no reason for escaping domestic responsibilities though - for instance, I can sit in a meeting in the US and sort the Ocado order. Ordering birthday/christmas presents can be done from my phone at a motorway services. DH did a Dropbox which school letters go into from the website, and photos of party invites - the response can then be done by either of us wherever we are.

We split things equally because we respect each other. And thats what it boils down to.

[squizita]

Another one saying YANBU and indeed don't go far enough.

I'm a sahp and dh works irregular and often long hours. Nevertheless he picks up things like bread and milk when needed and has several jobs (hoovering, 50/50 dishwashing, bins out...) round the house. Whenever he is home before bedtime he actively helps with bathtime etc.

One day I will return to work, and he recognises he might need to do even more (or help plan round it eg hire a cleaner or help me bulk cook and freeze) so I don't end up frazzled.

This is the norm with most of my peers too.

[wombatcheese]

reminding him constantly that he needs to pick up the kids is probably re-enforcing his thinking that it isn't really his responsibility. good luck with testing him as an equal partner with equal responsibility.

[curlyweasel]

Watching this with interest, although my situation is similar to Filbert so there's less flexibility. DP now works FT (was SAHD for a while). He leaves around 6am, is self employed, travels around for work and generally comes home at 6.30pm or 7pm. Since he's started this job, my new routine (on top of also working FT) is:

get up
put a wash on, make bed, do a general tidy round
get kids up
feed DS
chase DD to get breakfast/dressed/brush teeth
get ready myself
drop DS at nursery
drop DD at friends who takes her to school
go to work
nip home at lunch to put washing out to dry
after work, pick up DD from friends who's brought her home from school
prepare tea
pick DS up from nursery
baths/homework
DP comes home
cook and eat tea (actually dinner by this time)

I also cover all days when kids are ill (a LOT of it about at the moment, particularly in DS's nursery), arrange dentist/social things etc.

I'm so FED up with it (DP also works most Saturdays), but if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid (he's also the driver for the team he works on, so if he doesn't go to work, his mate can't either).

So, I just have to suck it up really.

And drink many, many wines.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Yes, I agree wombat - by the time you've reminde him 26 times, you might as well have done it yourself. And it is that thinking that your "D"H is relying on.

I put "D" in iverted commas as I would not want such a lazy entitled person to be my H let alone my DH. Ugh.