AIBU to ask my husband to collect the children once a week?

[MrsAiolfi]

I work full time, my husband works full time, yet I do 95% of childcare and housework. I do all the laundry, tidying, I make all the packed lunches, meals and I collect the children every single day. I start work 15 minutes earlier than everyone else so I can leave 15 minutes earlier to reach the nursery my youngest is at.

This morning I suggested that on a Sunday he chooses a day that suits and he collects the kiddies that day, meaning I don't have to "chip off early" and I can put in an extra hour or so at work (new boss, keen to impress, etc). It would also mean that he might understand how stressful the time between 4.45 and 6.30 is - pick up dinner, homework, and ensuring the children are emotionally cared for. I have a work event this Friday and he has to collect the children, I had to text him the minute I found out about it (early last week), and remind him each day since. If he is going out for work drinks, or to meet a friend, or to play tennis, he doesn't need to book it in, he doesn't need to send me 26 reminders before and on the day of, he just does it.

If he earned A LOT more than me then I would understand, but currently I ear almost the same as him, yet I still should all the "mum duties" including getting up in the night to care for a sick child or taking days holiday to take the kids to the dentist. I worry about resentment building and damaging our relationship long term, I also worry about our roles affecting the way our children will act when they are adults...

Advice would be gratefully received, he was none to pleased with the argument that ensued this morning and I am keen to avoid further shouting (mainly from me).

[Koalafications]

I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!



No wonder you have got yourself stuck in this situation with that attitude.

[madreloco]

Why have you allowed this situation in the first place? This is a ridiculous way of living.
You need to throw the whole lot out and start again.

[northdownmummy]

Reading your post has me realise I should making a bit more of an effort to show my DH how much I appreciate him.
We split all the family chores 50:50
I do all nursery drop offs, he does pickups at least 4 days.
Since he's home first he also does the majority of cooking.
Food shopping/ meal planning is shared as is cleaning.
I do most of the laundry but he'll do it without prompting if I'm falling behind. He also takes care of all the gardening and bins

I just took this for granted but am realising not everyone has such a healthy balance.

I live that this is the example were setting for our 2yr old DD, there are no mummy jobs or daddy jobs. In fact when I took we out to an event at the weekend that he couldn't come to, she commented that there were lots of mummies and not many daddies.

[DoADittyBingBangBell]

I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!


My dp quite often comes home from work with bread or milk or toilet rolls if he has seen we've been running low and thought I may not have chance to get to the shop. He works 13 hour days minimum and hour and half away from home....I'm a sahp. He quite often will ring me and tell me not to worry about tea too as he will pick up something for us to save me....not all men are selfish.

[Golfhotelromeofoxtrot]

MrsA I'm sorry your husband has made you feel like that. My DH is far from perfect, but he certainly does think of mundane things like that, and would never assume I was doing pick up.

[toomuchtooold]

I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

Don't believe their bullshit DH started taking an interest in all this sharpish when I got a job that meant I left the house before the kids were up and got back shortly before they went to bed.

[FastForward2]

OP to change you could ask him to do a particular job all week - washing or cooking or shopping or taxiing - whichever he is likely to do properly because sfter letting you do it for years he will probably be rubbish at it.

[FreeButtonBee]

My approach is to hand something over 100% to my DH. So for example, DH is in charge of passports and teeth. I do nothing to do with them. He arranges check ups and either takes them or arranges with our nanny for them to go. Passports, similar. If he doesn't do it, I say nothing or shrug my shoulders. If he asks for my advice, I will share my thoughts but take zero responsibility. Our last holiday he was in charge of working out our stops along the way (2yo twins and a 6 hour journey means these need military planning).

It's much easier if some erratic jobs are taken completely off your plate as well as the day to day responsibility for pick up/drop off, as I find it's the combination of the daily drudge along side the having to do all the organizing that totally kills your brain.

I also make him take leave to cover sickness in turn with me. If there is something he honestly can't miss, then I will step up but he will owe me a day. I'm not trashing my reputation so he can be golden boy and always turn up to work no matter what is happening at home.

[DoADittyBingBangBell]

Oh and before he changed to a different company he used to drop the dc at school on the way to work to save me having to get the youngest ready in a rush and get out.

[Icimoi]

Is the problem in part that 4.45 is a rather early pick up time from the nursery? Possibly as a result of working in a big town, in my experience the norm tends to be around 6 p.m. allowing for a full working day and then time to get to the nursery/child minder. Would it help if you extended that to, say, 5.30 making it easier for both of you to fit in with the working day?

[KittiesInsane]

I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

Well, mine does, because he does all the shopping. Always has, stemming from when we only had one car and he needed it for work. The kids know that if they look in the bread bin and it's empty, I don't feel remotely responsible.

He's also been responsible for the journey to school for the past 4 years or so.

Still doesn't sort out your evenings and leisure time, but I think you should know that he is really taking the piss.

[NRomanoff]

Jesus wept. How do men sit and watch their wives run around like this and do fuck all to help out. How do women get to breaking point, without saying something earlier.

After I returned to work ft, me and dh both shared all responsibility. Some weeks I do more, some weeks he does. No need to have lists and shit. You are meant to be partners. Why would anyone sit back and watch someone they love do it all by themselves? Pisses me off.

Op YANBU, he should be doing more than one. It should have been sorted earlier, he needs to pull his weight

[Fooshufflewickbannanapants]

Mine checks too! He will often notice the whole bread/toilet roll etc, we share household chores apart from I plan food and shop online and he does the bins, im a sahm for now as toddler has a few problems health wise, we both do kid stuff, in evening and weekends, he had a day off this week as I was incredibly poorly with norivirus alongside two of the kids, it wasn't even asked about he just did it, sent me to bed and looked after them, next day it was a different two and I was a bit better so I told him to go it was fine but he was expecting to have the time off for me to recover.
That's what a family does surely!

[Llareggub]

I am a lone parent so do it all anyway, but thought I would chip in to say that my 8 year old son notices our lack of toilet roll and bread and will remind me to stock up on the way home.

[tobysmum77]

Yabu to treat men like idiots. My dh and I share it, I leave the house at 6.30, he does the morning I leave work early and do the pickup. OK sometimes dd goes to school with dodgy looking hair, but you have to let them get on with it.

[JassyRadlett]

don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

Yep, mine is another you should meet. Everything is shared pretty much 50/50. I earn double his salary but that doesn't make any difference. We each pick up the slack when the other is busy. And he did everything when I had hyperemesis (now under control, thankfully). Not too much of a shock as he pulls his weight already.

A marriage = a partnership.

[BackforGood]

I agree you need to move away from the "asking him to help you out / do you a favour" occasionally thinking, and make time to sit down ad state that, as you are now both working outside the home full time, then obviously all the rest of your responsibilities in life need to be evenly split too.
Maybe at that point make the questions - do you want to split all the jobs 50:50, or do you want to split the week 50:50 or do you want to go through all the tasks that need doing and see if there are some you'd prefer, some you'd hate, and I do the same and see if we can split more by 'things we don't mind doing so much' (ie he might like cooking and you might be happy to do all the laundry or something)

But the point is - it needs to be split, that's not the question, the only question is how are we going to work this.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

You just say bathtimes list...

He should be doing 50%, more wheb you're trying t9 make a decent impression.

Buy wife work... Make him read it too...

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Oh yes and your starting position should be:


which 4 days are you going to be solely responsible for the kids? (say this without laughing!)

To be reviewed in a year, in honor of all the extra work you've done.

[comedancing]

Had a friend who went to counselling as husband constantly complaining when asked to pick up children etc
..both working but he was more flexible but still complained. The counsellor said after hearing him air his complaints.. So let's get this straight..your wife is asking you to pick up her kids from school...he said..well they are my kids too...counsellor says.. Oh so your wife is asking you to pick up your kids from school..he says..OK ok l get it. Friend said she felt like kissing her..that argument had driven them into counselling.. never looked back.. He began to row in on all sides for HIS kids.

[m0therofdragons]

I start work at 8am 3 days a week so dh takes dc to school 3 mornings a week. We discussed it when I took the job though. I'm part time so I do still do more than dh but gradually dh is taking on more as we tag team childcare. I cook he clears away the rest is adhoc.

[expatinscotland]

What Bathtime said.

[PandaMummyofOne]

Bloody hell I could have written this myself! DP is a right PITA he's 15 years older than me but mentally is back in the bloody 50's when it comes to child care. I've had this for nearly three years and have finally cracked! I've told him if he wants me to continue as I am then I'll leave work and be a SAHP. If not then he steps up a gasps be's a fucking father!

[Lweji]

Don't suggest or ask.

Tell him. And tell him that he either picks up the child or nobody will. And that if he doesn't, then he can pack his stuff.

The same for the rest. Unless you are prepared to walk out, I doubt anything will change.

[Lweji]

I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

They will if it's their responsibility. And if yours doesn't want to take that responsibility, then he shouldn't get the benefits of family life.