AIBU to ask my husband to collect the children once a week?

[MrsAiolfi]

I work full time, my husband works full time, yet I do 95% of childcare and housework. I do all the laundry, tidying, I make all the packed lunches, meals and I collect the children every single day. I start work 15 minutes earlier than everyone else so I can leave 15 minutes earlier to reach the nursery my youngest is at.

This morning I suggested that on a Sunday he chooses a day that suits and he collects the kiddies that day, meaning I don't have to "chip off early" and I can put in an extra hour or so at work (new boss, keen to impress, etc). It would also mean that he might understand how stressful the time between 4.45 and 6.30 is - pick up dinner, homework, and ensuring the children are emotionally cared for. I have a work event this Friday and he has to collect the children, I had to text him the minute I found out about it (early last week), and remind him each day since. If he is going out for work drinks, or to meet a friend, or to play tennis, he doesn't need to book it in, he doesn't need to send me 26 reminders before and on the day of, he just does it.

If he earned A LOT more than me then I would understand, but currently I ear almost the same as him, yet I still should all the "mum duties" including getting up in the night to care for a sick child or taking days holiday to take the kids to the dentist. I worry about resentment building and damaging our relationship long term, I also worry about our roles affecting the way our children will act when they are adults...

Advice would be gratefully received, he was none to pleased with the argument that ensued this morning and I am keen to avoid further shouting (mainly from me).

[milkysmum]

I have a husband similar to this. I am currently considering making him an ex husband if he doesn't step it up a gear and start sharing the work load at home

[Fluffyears]

Have you tried saying 'I'm doing x can you do y?' See what his reaction is, if he mucks in maybe he's just unsure how to get involved, if he moabs then he is an arse who needs to be reminded you both work and the kids have half his DNA his involvement did not end with his orgasm!

[Fluffyears]

DP and me do all shopping and meal planning together. I cook as I'm better at it, he does dishes as I detest it and he isn't bothered. I clean bathroom (his standard isn't great), do laundry ( he worries he'll ruin my clothes). DP dusts, hoovers (very well), takes bin out and hangs up washing. Anything else we just do ad-hoc, sometimes I'll say 'oh whilst I'm doing x will you do y?' Or 'would you prefer x or y job as both need done?' He always helps. He also picks me up and yesterday I got a text 'we are low on milk, will you pick up from shop or will we go to shop on way home after I pick you up at station?' I had no idea milk was running out. He also does our 'inventory' before shopping as he's better at it.

It would never occur to him to let me do it all but I have sometimes spotted a cheeky 5 minutes i-pad time in middle of his 'tasks'. When I was young my dad never lifted a finger he was lazy and let my mum do it all even when she went back to work pt. I loved the time the worm turned. He kept moaning about her ironing and that she was ironing a double crease into his trousers, on and on he went. After that she refused point blank to do any laundry at all for him...he lasted two weeks! She also did all packing for holidays etc whereas DP prefers to pack himself so he remembers everything.

[TheVeryThing]

Totally agree. The best thing for us has been me getting a promotion last year which means I am frequently away over night. My dh is perfectly capable of sorting out whatever needs to be done at home.
As I tell my kids, if you want to be good at something you need to practice, but I suspect some men just cannot be arsed.

[tippytappywriter]

I fell into the trap of doing more but changed it. It is possible to reevaluate and get it right. We do 2 days each, drop off and pick up kids, make packed lunches and cook dinner. The other day is negotiable! DH thinks of the small things on his days because he has to - just as I do on my days. Other job like gardening and washing we split according to who hates them less!
Ask your DH to do the lot for a week and then see how he gets on. He will realise it is a lot of work that should be shared.

[OnlyLovers]

tobys, I totally agree. It sounds like something you'd say about a child who was just learning to pull their weight, not an adult 'partner'. It's what lets men – some men – continue to get away with laziness.

[FryOneFatManic]

And I am 100% sure mother's brains are wired differently. I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

That thinking is the product of the culture we're in, nothing to do with brains wired differently. If a bloke had to do the thinking, he would. After all, men who live alone manage it.

[tobysmum77]

I think one of the things that makes me despair most on this subject is when people describe men who do anything at all as 'good' ......

If a bloke wrote 'she's good, picks up the kids twice a week and cooks my dinner' people would be

[fourquenelles]

OP my late DH and I had f/t jobs in Central London with over an hour's commute. We took turns week on, week off to do early or lates.

Earlies meant getting the first train up to Town to be at the office by 7:30am so we could leave to be back in time to pick up DC from childminder by 5:30pm. Lates meant taking DC to childminder before school and getting into office by 10am. If big meetings or travel with work came up we worked around it.

My DH would often come home via the supermarket and cook dinner. He would run the vacuum round at the weekend and I would keep the garden under control. Everything else just got done between us.

He was an arse in all sorts of ways but we had a partnership as far as the DC and housework was concerned.

[however]

Mrs Aio, I live in Singapore. Families have maids/helpers whatever you want to call them No one wonders if there is food in the house, as they know it's taken care of.

Except me, coz I don't have one.

[Lweji]

Also pointing out that my 80 year old dad is responsible for getting bread in the morning and daily shopping for meals, as well as loading and unloading the washing machine. He drives grandchildren around when needed. He never forgets (apart from the odd confusion due to age).
He used to drive us to our transport when at Uni, and wake us up in the morning too. Bless him.

There is absolutely no reason for a father to be absent from family responsibilities.

[MissDuke]

My husband is good really, and does anything I ask of him. However sometimes I resent having to ask! I do all the organising of childcare, activities, school 'extras' (eg PE kits, dinner money - dd takes dinners on Wed and ds on Thursdays - dh wouldn't retain this info). It does get tiring being responsible for it all even though he shares the actual work. I do most pickups and drop offs because he has to drive his van to work, so cannot carry more than one passenger. We only have one car.

I couldn't cope in your position, I really couldn't. A calm conversation presenting your view point is definitely essential.

[AlisonBlunderland]

A WIFE?

Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc

Something needs to change!

[Blu]

OP: people's brains get wired based on habit and routine. We take equal responsibility for all domestic and family duties and DP absolutely picks up milk / bread / food for supper as required and without being reminded when it is his after school day .

I agree, it is easy to fall into patterns and harder to break them, for both of you. You will need to be clear , calm and direct and not give in and fall for 'oh, he's a man' thinking of your own.

Good luck !

[MrsRossPoldark]

Mine didn't even step up when I was recovering from surgery last summer. His chores included taking 6 bags of garden waste to the dump (I had a good go at the garden before going into hospital) and a weekly mow of the lawn. By the time I had recovered, 8 weeks later, the bags were still there filling the shed from floor to roof, and the grass was about knee high, meaning it took me (sic) 3 or 4 full mows to get it back to short grass!! I would add that we don't have a huge lawn and it take 20 minutes tops to mow, including nagging my DSs to help me shift the trampoline to mow under it!

His excuse is usually along the lines that his tolerance is higher than mine so he doesn't feel the need to mow the lawn. This argument applies too when it comes to housework - his dirt threshold is higher than mine - meaning that he simply gets out of it. Nice.

Have to admit I probably laid the groundwork when we were childless and both working f-t. We had a cleaner who did the ironing too and the landlord had arranged a gardener (he was a fussy landlord and obsessed with keeping the place clean and tidy - not many landlords would go to that extent so bless him), so when we started a family, I slotted in to that role (housekeeper and groundsman) and have never come back out.

[TheVeryThing]

This thread is really shocking.

I've always worked full-time so things were never that bad, but there have been times when I've felt I was taking on more than my fair share.

My approach was to simply state all the tasks I do and say my Dh that either he didn't think these tasks need to be done (in which case he needed to explain how the house would run otherwise) or that he thought it was my job to do them all (which he would have a hard time justifying).

Of course he had to admit that he was being lazy and needed to pull his weight a bit more.

The fact is that no reasonable adult ca fail to acknowledge that they need to take equal responsibility for running the home in which they live and for taking care of their children.

The question is whether your husband is a reasonable adult.

curlyweasel your routine sounds exhausting. Even if your DH comes home late from work, there is no law against putting on/hanging out a load of laundry past 7pm, we were doing packed lunches at 9.30 last night. If i were you I would pick a couple of tasks for him to do in the evenings, there is no way that all the donkey work involved in running a household should be left to one person.

[curlyweasel]

YADNBU op. If he is able to do it, he should. Don't take this crap.

[BitOutOfPractice]

How do you make the change?

You sit down and discuss with him how things are going to change. You brook no argument about "I earn more" or "I don't know what to do". Then you step back and let him do what he's supposed to. Any balls dropped will be his responsibility. Not yours.

If he objects / says he won't do it / whatever, then tell him what the consequences will be. And follow through.

Establish the boundary. And do not allow that boundary to slide or bend.

I suspect that the hardest part of this will be for you to stand back and watch him screw up. He will. Because his sense of entitlement and disengagement from day-to-day reality is engrained (as it is with you). But he holds down a job. In which case he is more than capable of holding down domestic responsibilities too. But you need to say it, mean it, and do it!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Yes, I agree wombat - by the time you've reminde him 26 times, you might as well have done it yourself. And it is that thinking that your "D"H is relying on.

I put "D" in iverted commas as I would not want such a lazy entitled person to be my H let alone my DH. Ugh.

[curlyweasel]

Watching this with interest, although my situation is similar to Filbert so there's less flexibility. DP now works FT (was SAHD for a while). He leaves around 6am, is self employed, travels around for work and generally comes home at 6.30pm or 7pm. Since he's started this job, my new routine (on top of also working FT) is:

get up
put a wash on, make bed, do a general tidy round
get kids up
feed DS
chase DD to get breakfast/dressed/brush teeth
get ready myself
drop DS at nursery
drop DD at friends who takes her to school
go to work
nip home at lunch to put washing out to dry
after work, pick up DD from friends who's brought her home from school
prepare tea
pick DS up from nursery
baths/homework
DP comes home
cook and eat tea (actually dinner by this time)

I also cover all days when kids are ill (a LOT of it about at the moment, particularly in DS's nursery), arrange dentist/social things etc.

I'm so FED up with it (DP also works most Saturdays), but if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid (he's also the driver for the team he works on, so if he doesn't go to work, his mate can't either).

So, I just have to suck it up really.

And drink many, many wines.

[wombatcheese]

reminding him constantly that he needs to pick up the kids is probably re-enforcing his thinking that it isn't really his responsibility. good luck with testing him as an equal partner with equal responsibility.

[squizita]

Another one saying YANBU and indeed don't go far enough.

I'm a sahp and dh works irregular and often long hours. Nevertheless he picks up things like bread and milk when needed and has several jobs (hoovering, 50/50 dishwashing, bins out...) round the house. Whenever he is home before bedtime he actively helps with bathtime etc.

One day I will return to work, and he recognises he might need to do even more (or help plan round it eg hire a cleaner or help me bulk cook and freeze) so I don't end up frazzled.

This is the norm with most of my peers too.

[CMOTDibbler]

Working long, unpredictable hours is no reason for escaping domestic responsibilities though - for instance, I can sit in a meeting in the US and sort the Ocado order. Ordering birthday/christmas presents can be done from my phone at a motorway services. DH did a Dropbox which school letters go into from the website, and photos of party invites - the response can then be done by either of us wherever we are.

We split things equally because we respect each other. And thats what it boils down to.

[hettie]

MrsA
And I am 100% sure mother's brains are wired differently. I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!
This ^ is the reason you have gotten into this pickle. I'm not wired differently to my dh. He cares and understands the needs of our children/domestic situation as much as I do. He would absolutley be thinking about bread. I would not be in a relationship with him if not. Plus I've never given him the option, I just don't do it. If he has half a brain (I am assuming so as he holds down a job) then he is absolutley capable of thinking about these things and doing more of the domestic chores, he's just been allowed to check out of that side of life...

[JaWellNoFine]

I do the morning thing, so leave early. DH, works from home 2 days (lucky bugger) and does the afternoon run, dinner, bath as is home early. If the washing is done we put the next load in, same with the dishwasher.
We both clean together and do whatever needs doing ..
DH doesn't iron and I don't do the toilets.

Oh, our house is 'lived in' if DH wants it tidier/cleaner he better get busy.