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AIBU?

Another wedding one!

88 replies

paddypants13 · 10/05/2015 12:21

Hi,

I am supposed to be attending a family wedding abroad (mainland Europe) but I will be 36/37 weeks pregnant.

I really want to go and had fully intended to but I have discovered I cannot get travel insurance. I think I would be an absolute fool to travel without insurance esp' at such a risky time and my DH agrees.

However, the rest of my family thinks we're being ridiculous and should go and the bride is already annoyed at us because we were not intending to arrive more than 2 days before the wedding and we were going to leave the day after.

My DD who will be 2 and 1/2 will be a flower girl and the bride wants her to attend a rehearsal, which is fair enough but she can't tell us the date for this!

My suggestion is my DH and DD go and I stay here.

I am worried the the bride and her family will stop speaking to me altogether. They are already angry with me because I was unable to attend my uncle's funeral 2 years ago. This was a combination of the laws over there dictating that a funeral must be held 5 days and so many hours after the death, the fact that I had just had a baby and couldn't get a passport for my DD in time and lack of funds due to maternity leave.

AIBU not to attend this wedding? Thanks.

OP posts:

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Stitchintime1 · 10/05/2015 16:17

Of course you can't fly that late. I would imagine you would be turned away at the gate.

honeyroar · 10/05/2015 18:11

You can't fly after 35 weeks and have to have a letter from your doctor at 30 weeks. You can't fly, full stop. Tell your family that.

Will your DH take your DD to be flower girl though? When is the wedding? Can they not find another flower girl?

Your family will get over it, as will the bride if they've anything about them.

Sixgeese · 10/05/2015 18:30

I wouldn't go (and wouldn't be happy with DH going either) but then having three DC at between 35 and 37 weeks gestation is probably clouding my judgement.

Sallyingforth · 10/05/2015 19:01

You wouldn't even get insurance.
And do you want to risk having the child in a strange hospital away from your midwife and birth plan?

ChatEnOeuf · 10/05/2015 19:29

Definitely don't go! No insurance (EHIC won't cover you as it's pregnancy), and even if you could, no doctor would issue a fit to fly note at full term, barring emergencies. You'd risk a DVT driving all that way, not to mention being hugely uncomfortable. My DD arrived very quickly at 37w, so I'd be reluctant to see my DH away at that point either.

Delivering a baby on the continent is an expensive business, you'd need several thousand pounds to spare if you laboured where I live. There's also the language issues, the different systems (very medical, MWs don't really do deliveries here), the lack of pain relief options and accommodation troubles. That's before you even get to the stage where you realise you need a passport for the baby to get it home - this entails all the paperwork, full international birth certificate, yours and your DH's birth certificate, your marriage certificate and the signed photos of the baby, all getting to the passport office, and back to you in continental Europe before you can even book travel home. A two-day jaunt turns into at least a month, and none of it is covered by insurance.

Of course, if the bride is willing to cover all of these eventualities, then go ahead!

manchestermummy · 10/05/2015 19:37

YANBU and I cannot believe how your family is carrying on. You've come up with a reasonable compromise (dh and dd going), what do they want from you?

My FIL was very cross with us when we said we couldn't attend his brother's birthday party as we had a newborn. As in, I had given birth that morning.

I suggest that you plan a Very Important Family Event when the bride is 37 weeks pg and get all eye-rolly with her.

ChangingTiming · 10/05/2015 19:42

YANBU, do they realise how much it would cost with even a straight forward birth? Any complications and you are looking at selling your house.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 10/05/2015 20:05

If they are like that now, imagine your DH running to catch earlier flight in the middle of ceremony because you have gone in to labour. Don't go and don't let him go.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/05/2015 20:15

The EHIC does cover routine maternity care, as long as it is not the purpose of your visit. That's not to say I think you should go, mind you.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 10/05/2015 20:20

How much of the local language do you speak? And the countries you pass through on the way they and way back? I've always found accessing healthcare abroad a bit daunting because of the language barrier but I'm crap at languages though and even if I wasn't I doubt I'd know the German (or whichever language) for epidural!

FeelTheNoise · 10/05/2015 20:33

As Madonnas said, EHIC do cover pregnancy as long as you're not going away to give birth. I went through all this with them last week as I'm going away soon during my pregnancy.

But no, feign medical needs at the last minute if you can't pull out now without a fuss

sunnyawry · 10/05/2015 20:33

YANBU, I have declined 2 weddings this summer for between 34-36 weeks just because I don't want to travel 3 hours from north to south england ! Can't believe you are thinking of going overland through 3 countries and they haven't told you not to put yourself out.

Pilgit · 10/05/2015 21:32

YANBU! DD2 would have been born at the wedding with those timings. What odious person would guilt trip a heavily pregnant woman into putting herself at risk of giving birth somewhere they were not comfortable with?

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 21:32

EHIC wouldn't cover for specialist transfers though, would it? If a patient needed flying home in a special care unit, for example?

maddening · 10/05/2015 21:38

What relation are bride and groom to you?

Yanbu anyway but just feel it would add context eg your dsis could understand her upset but she wbu to insist you travel at this stage without insurance, a cousin or more distant could take a running jump imo.

ooerrmissus · 10/05/2015 21:51

Quite apart from anything else, your family are getting huffy because you are unwilling to risk your health and that of you unborn child for the sake of a party.

I wouldn't be going anywhere. They can huff all they like but they aren't my priority. If they can't understand how unreasonable they are being I would be cutting or reducing contact.

BlinkAndMiss · 10/05/2015 22:09

I'm completely baffled as to why any member of your family are huffy about the possibility of you not attending a wedding abroad at this late stage of your pregnancy. Has your mum been understanding at all?

You absolutely should not go, nor should your DH, you could go into labour at any time and you could also develop complications at any time. I very much doubt you could get a fit to fly confirmation from your dr and no airline will take on the risk without it. The decision is going to be taken out of your hands and maybe you could get this is writing to show the selfish members of your family that they should be more understanding.

Don't feel guilty, the bride is being a bitch and if she decides to have children then you absolutely must bring this up with her when she reaches this stage too. Maybe then she'll have more of an idea of what it's actually like. FWIW I'm 35 weeks, usually very healthy and have had a previously uncomplicated preganacy and I can't even get a fit to work note let alone the go ahead to leave the country.

paddypants13 · 11/05/2015 09:48

Bettybyebye I forgot to say hope your son is doing well. What terrible luck on holiday.

Maddening, the bride is my cousin but we are a very close family. She often uses emotional blackmail to get her own way (she's not a bad person, just rather self centered).
The rest of the extended family know what she's like but she seems to have some sort of grip over my mum.

We have decided to tell her today that I will not be attending because of the insurance issue. If she throws a strop DD and DH will not be going either. As for the wedding rehearsal if she can't tell us when it is until 2 weeks before, we can't guarantee DD will be there.

My unborn DC is not going to be treated as an inconvenience to her!

Thanks so much for all the advice, I think I just needed to hear it from people not directly involved. xx

OP posts:

VeryAgedParent · 11/05/2015 10:11

Actually Op if you tried to board a plane I think you would be refused. I believe obviously very pregnant women get asked by airline staff how many weeks they are and are they insured, I think its airline policy.
YANBU at all you can't possibly travel all that way by car and ferry either you could run the risk of DVT or, worse case scenario giving birth en route. I would just tell them your doctor and your midwife have said "Out of the question"

Hersetta427 · 11/05/2015 10:29

This is a complete non talking point as airlines will not let you fly after 36 weeks anyway. End of story.

WireCat · 11/05/2015 10:38

You won't be able to fly. No matter what your cousin wants or says.

No way could you go without insurance. Imagine the medical costs if anything happened! Would they contribute to them?!

Mousefinkle · 11/05/2015 10:43

My DH did have to go away for three days for work when I was this stage with Dc2. I remember us panicking that something would happen and he'd miss the birth but in the end she came late just as DC1 had. So if you were overdue or on time with DC1 chances are you will be this time too... Just saying, you'll probably be okay with your DH and DD going alone. I don't see what their issue is with that arrangement, she gets her flower girl (which seemingly is the only reason she's having a bitch fit over it) and you get to sit at home with your feet up for a couple of days.

Just tell them airlines won't accept you, you can't get insurance, it's too risky, the doctor won't let you fly... It's just not a good idea.

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 11/05/2015 10:44

Ask a doctor for a letter stating that you can NOT fly. Take a photo of it/scan it and send it to them. Make sure the GP surgery address and doctor's name are on it for when your charming relatives decide to 'check you story'

They sound like self-centred twats. Please don't stress yourself out over people who are belittling your very valid concerns, and please consider whether you want your daughter to grow up watching you placate people of this type.

Collaborate · 11/05/2015 10:48

Might you suggest that they let you have a valuation of their house, a mortgage statement, and then a charge on their house to cover loss of earnings and any hospital costs in the event that you or your baby need medical treatment while abroad? Oh, and don't forget to cover loss of earnings and accommodation in all of that.

There's a reason that you can't get insurance for this sort of thing. It's too likely to happen, and it's hideously expensive when it does.

00100001 · 11/05/2015 10:53

This cousin is being a wanker, I hate how weddings bring out the worst of some people in what is supposed to be a happy occasion!

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